Okay, so my mom found out that I had contacted a group of Benedictine nuns about going on a retreat, just a retreat mind you, and she flipped out. Seriously her reaction wouldn't have been worse if she had found marijuana in my sock drawer. She keeps telling me that we have to "talk" which is what she usually says when she's going to punish me.

This is weird.

Can anyone tell me from experience how to handle something like this? I love my mom, but this situation frustrates not to mention confuses me.

I never discerned seriously so I'm not sure what to tell you. In general though perhaps you can get her to sit down and chat about why she seems so upset about you going on retreat?

Maybe she's just shocked, or maybe there's some underlying concern that is causing her to react this way. I know my Mom often will do and say weird things (about various issues) and eventually it comes out that it's something legit or whatnot, but because of the way she's been acting I'm going nuts thinking she's unreasonable. LOL, I'm 30 and it STILL happens!

keep us posted!

I'm sorry about your mom's reaction. I didn't tell my parents anything until I'd already discerned a vocation to the religious life and after I'd been on one retreat and was getting ready to go on another. (I'm away at school so it's a little easier not to tell...) They definately flipped out and actually are still, just a little less vigourously...

My advice would be to pray for your mom and ask God to give her whatever grace she needs. Also, depending on how far you are along the discernment process, you may want to share that with her, slowly. Just give her a little time to get over the shock and then sit down somewhere privately and ask her to express her concerns/fears/worries, etc. And then be as open as you think is appropriate with your discernment etc.

Another thing that helped me a lot was I had a priest from home who knew I was discerning and I'd kept in touch with after leaving for school. After things hit the roof with my parents, I suggested that they talk to him since they knew him well. He was able to offer them a different "adult" perspective and help calm things down some. And if you haven't yet, I'd suggest talking to a priest or religious about it, since chances are, they've gone through something similar and can give you more personal advice.

Hope that helps. Peace & prayers.

Define, 'flipped out'.

Pray before you do anything. But don't avoid talking with her about this - they're a big part of your life and you're a huge part of theirs, so - when you feel the time is right - let the Spirit help you to try and explain.

From what I gather talking to people, it's rare that parents will have an overwhelmingly positive reaction to the idea that their child is considering the consecrated life. It's most likely far out of their sphere of experience, so be patient with both them and yourself. Most importantly, let everything you do and say be infused with prayer! Offer, if you can, a decade of the Rosary each day for your parents, that they will support you in your search for God's will for your life.

Know that we're all praying for you here too

Love and prayers,

PP

Sit down and speak with her CALMLY. She only wants what is best for you in your life. It is hard for some parents to consider religious life for one of their kids. She probably thinks you are too young. Tell her you are exploring and want to learn more about religious life. And also that you are interested in learning more about your religion. Be gentle with her too. Above all be honest, don't hide the truth, that is not a good thing to do. If she punishes you, or says you can't go,, well then you must accept it. Offer it to Jesus. You will not be young always and have your whole life ahead of you. The Lord speaks through our parents, and if you will be a sister, He speaks through your superiors.
Prayers!

I agree with the advice of Alicemary. As a parent of young children one of which is to become a novice in August, and a 13 year old that appears to be called by God to consecrated life by what I can tell, I can tell you it's not easy for parents. Please be patient with them. Give this cause to Jesus afterall He is the one asking for your hand.

Everything depends on how old you are. If you are under 18 then follow the direction of your parents. Be obedient to them as you would to a Superior and accept the cross. Continue to pray, frequent the sacraments and practice piety. Mostly just love them. Love is what it is all about. They will see the desires of your heart and because they mostly want your happiness, they will come around. If they oppose you making a retreat then accept it. Make your own private retreat with Jesus, He will love that.

If you are over 18 then you are a little more independent to pursue God's call. Follow the desires of your heart. If it means taking a course of action that they do not approve of, then be as gentle and as kind as you can and tell them what they mean to you and what a sacrafice it will be for you to leave them but you are compelled to follow God's call. If you can afford to make a retreat then attempt to do so, but weigh the amount of heartache you actions will cause and then decide. If you are over 21, girl you are on your own and I would say run to Him.

Of course the above statements make sense if you have already completed you initial discernment and are reasonable sure you have a vocation. If you are in the beginning stages of discernment then it is probably wise to keep this discernment to yourself and your SD. However openly practice devotion and piety. They will see that something is going on in your soul.

Not knowing your circumstances it is difficult to express advice or even discussion. But these are the thoughts that came to me for what they are worth.
Mr. Ray

Hang in there! Jesus, I Trust in You!

Pray first.
Start out by remembering your mom loves you, and you have thrown her a loop. We all dream of our daughters producing granddaughters , so give her lots of time to radically change her thinking.

I agree with all the good advice given here. If this was the first inkling your mother had of your interest in religious life, it well may have been a shock to her. I think you mentioned in an earlier post that you are not yet 18 but pretty close. If she nixes you going on the retreat this year, accept it as gracefully as you can; while waiting to turn 18, share your thoughts about exploring religious life when those moments present themselves, and try and go out of your way to be helpful to your mom in general.
God bless!

Try not to make all out war. That is a good place to start.

She opposes you doing this, try to find out why. Is it something that she really thinks would be bad for you? Does she want grandchildren? Questions like that lead to real problems that can be addressed and taken care of. Don't leave things as just this idea that is out there. Try to get to something substantial.

Be patient, my mom was not supportative at first when I decided to enter the seminary. She may come around eventually. I priest once reminded me that God reveals his plan to different people at different times. He used the example of Mary and Joseph. God revealed his plan for them and Jesus to Mary first, and well, Joseph was not to supportative, not until God revealed his plan to him in a dream. When the priest explained that to me a few years ago it really helped me so I thought I would share it. Hope it helps you out. You will be in my prayers.
God Bless

I'm an only child so the first time I told them I was v isit a religious order they got really weird and told me "of course God wouldn't call you because there is only one of you. How else are we going to have grandchildren?"

Yeah that was fun. Then when I told my parents that I was almost certain that God was calling me to religious life and I had in narrowed down to two orders, my dad got excited ( kind of ) and my mom mysteriously got "sick" and stopped talking to me.



I think many parents jsut don't understand and they have made plans for our lives and so when they start to take a direction they didn't excpect they don't handle it as well as they should.

Keep praying, try to keep your parents in the loop and let them be a part of your discernment

Your mom goes nuts. Well i do not know exactly why, but let me offer you what might be some reasons.

Your mom loves you. She does not want to loose you. And the strangest and most mysterious and unknown place you can go is the convent. If you were single or off getting married, she probably has an idea from experience what that is like. But i imagine being a nun is so foreign to her, that she fears she will loose you entirely.

She wants to know that you can love her the way she loves you. She has sacrificed herself to bear you into the world. And as most moms do they want that love reciprocated in return. Maybe she is unsure if you do love her. Be sure to articulate that to her. She is probably hoping that you know that you can always turn to her in need. Being in a convent makes you so independent from her, probably even more so than getting married or being single.

She may fear that you are not ready to go out there. She wants to have a say, because she wants to make sure everything will be well for you in the decision you make. Entering a convent, like i said is probably so foreign to her, and it is so terribly risky to let you go there, because she doesnt know that you will be safe.

Finally, probably one of the very serious ones, you shouldnt feel responsible for, but your mom may feel rejected. She may feel that she is inferior and not good enough. That you are choosing a life of what seems to be greater holiness. This scares her, maybe because she believes she is not a good enough mom. If you were to get married, heck she knows she could give you pointers in that. But that you would choose something she absolutely cannot help you with , is probably scary to her. She wants your love in return, and to her, and her ignorance of what religious life may actually be like, thinks this is the greatest rejection. Not just that, she could be struggling in her own faith and relationship with God. She may even feel that she is not good enough in God's eyes. She may feel that God doesnt love her. she may be afraid to turn to him in forgiveness, that she will not be accepted.

Some, all, or i wouldnt be suprised none (just because i am so foolish in my assessment of the situation) of these accurately describe your mothers concern.

SHALOM

I've been telling my mom for years not to expect grandchildren because instead of getting married I was just going to become the crazy cat lady. I guess she didn't believe me.

Thanks for all the advice guys, I think that since I'll be going to college in a year, I'll just wait until then to do this when I can just sneek around behind her back. (Come to think of it, I don't really have a choice since I'm now forbidden contact with the Benedictines.)

Thanks again, you guys are good advice givers.

Anna

i know i am replying late to this one, but this reminds me of my dad!!!

He flipped out when he found out I was discerning a religious vocation. We would get into huge 2 hours fights over it and it ending with me walking away in tears and him telling my mom, "I wish it was a f^#&ing stage!!!!" I would hear that and say to myself, No its not deal with it!!!

But the last fight we had was december or January, and it was about visiting Lockport!!! If think he has gotten the idea that it's not a phase!!!! THANK GOD!!!!

I know this is going to sound like 'promotion' for HIAL but here goes.

Face it, most parents and adults don't REALLY know priests, brothers, and sisters

Yeah they may know who the parish priest(s) are and they might knoe them. But really know them..... Doubtful

So let's start with the Vocation of Marriage. If you were dating someone and cared for them and felt called to Marriage would you do it on the sly or would you introduce this person to your folks? As a parent, I would hope so. If not, I would probably 'flip out' if my 24 yr old daughter was sneaking around. It would be like, why don't you want your mother and I to know about this guy, learn more about him, meet him.

Getting the picture..


Ok so the same goes for Religious Life. I was fortunate to grow up knowing priests and sisters (I'm 54). We did, have and continue to develop friendships. So first and foremost I have a foundation to make decisions from. But as I said, most parents, sincce they don't know priests,brothers,and sisters are clueless, confused, frightened and or all of the above.

That's why we have the HIAL Conference at parishes, why we have host families for them to stay with, why we are now inviting p,b & s's to come on retreats with us. The more parents are exposed to p,b & s's the more comfortable they will be.

To all - if you are beginning your discernment process then start introducing the p's to the p,b, & s's. It really will help their comfort index.

All of us are afraid or wary of what we don't know

When my nieces an nephew were first involved in Youth Ministry 15+ years ago I was very skeptial. 10 years ago I closed my business to work in Youth Ministry and 5 years started the HIAL Vocations conferences. I now have more p,b & s friends and can better assist parents by introducing them and taking away some of the anxiety they have.

Remember with God all things ARE possible but it helps if you get your parents to know more about p,b & s's rather than just springing it on them

It's like saying 'Mom, Dad, I just got engaged, you know know him(her) but I want your approval like right now

Anyway I will keep all of you who are discerning your vocation in my prayers

Guys I'm probably just venting now, but I just have to keep complaining.

My mom e-mailed the Benedictines about me to make sure they knew that I was forbidden to go on the retreat. I'm totally mortified. I don't really think that it was her buisness to do this, I must be entitled to some kind of privacy.

This really sucks.

I'd say that until November, you should respect your mother's wishes, as odd as they are, since you are still under 18. Pray very hard that you will have the strength to persevere if it is your vocation, and even harder that your mom will be open to receiving the grace to accept your call. At this point, prayer is your best weapon!

Oh Dear, hang in there. There is a plan in all of this. Perhaps God is teaching you obedience, or humility, or something that we simply just cannot see right now.

One thing is for sure, now that your mom has emailed the Benedictines you can bet that there's a whole convent of 'em praying for you and for her Bet your mom didn't bank on that sort of supernatural pressure Remember you can still start to seek God's will in your heart even if you can't yet do it with your body.

Prayers!

Try not to become resentful to your mother, however much her actions seem incomprehendable.

PP

Don't forget the Chaplet of Divine Mercy.

Hearing all these responses remind me of just how much a rebel I was when I told my parents I was becoming Catholic. I was about to turn 16. We had to go through family counseling, but as far as I was concerned, I had to follow God and get to the Blessed Sacrament asap. I couldn't say no to inspiration--I had to go.

Which is why all this advice to be submissive steams me. It's your life, not hers. If I had been in your place, I would've exploded and told her what was going to happen, whether she liked it or not. Then I would've made arrangements to move in with friends. In fact, I had a "safe house" arranged in case my situation at home became untenable. "Catholics stealing her child" was her mantra.

My mom actually threw away a letter from the Farmington Hills Dominicans. She tried to talk me into joining the Sisters of Charity outside of town. No way; they didn't wear the habit and were walking around like laity. I wanted to be cloistered. It wasn't until the trainer who had been giving me raceriding lessons said she thought the cloister was the place for me to be that mom started listening.

Then my sister said my parents were afraid of losing me altogether--that they'd never be able to see me again. I told them not to listen to Hollywood.

Another reason why I founded the SOLC--to dispel these myths about "I'll never see you again."

Mom harassed me about being Catholic until I started praying for good things to happen to her, which is advice I heard in the Baptist church. It worked.

Sorry to be such a bad example, but God's will comes first, not the world's.

Blessings,
Gemma

My friend, I don't blame you for being upset. My mom did the same to me when I was younger as well. I was just starting my journey in the Lord and I wasn't sitting at home anymore. Nope I was out giving talks about the Lord and enjoying myself. My mother didn't like it and a battle started.
I am sorry to say the final outcome was me leaving home and mother and myself no longer have a real relationship.

I am writing this because Gemma is right, it isn't easy to deal with your parent/others when you give your heart to Lord. I hope you don't have the trouble I had but for me there was no turning back. Pray for your mom, yes of course obey her because you do live in her house but you need to protect your spiritual life. Pray for perseverance and for friends to support you. It was the community help to continue to run the race and help me heal my pain with my mother.

Until you are 18, you must honor your parents. The convent and the nuns will still be there, and you will have more time to prepare and pray. If that is where God wants you to be, you'll get there.
Be kind but firm, to your mom, even when she drives you crazy. Love does funny things to parents when they discover they are no longer first in their childs life. She could compete and direct you more if you had a boyfriend. Its hard to compete with God.

Who says she has to be 18?

I have an aspirant who is 17. Since her mom is involved in the occult, her grandmother (our eldest aspirant) raised her and homeschooled her. I had to look up on the internet what the "age of majority" was for their state, which is when she can legally leave the state without her mom taking legal action against us. There she has to be 18.

What state are you living in? What is the "age of majority?"

Stick to your guns. I see anyone getting in God's way as being a bully. That's why I have to stand up to it.

Remember how Mother Angelica got to her monastery? One bishop I presented the SOLC to said he agreed with everything I was doing, except for the "Flight into Egypt." I had to plot with my SOLC co-founder to get her away from her family to get her back to her monastery when the time came (but it never did). She would send her clothes, etc., via snail mail to the monastery, so she just had to jump into the car when we went to pick her up.

Hubby had just come on the scene, and he said using a stick-shift car would be better. The Knights of Columbus even offered help. I discussed this with a pro-choice attorney, and she said "just take her to the bus station or the airport."

However, I didn't want to leave anything to chance. I even had the inspiration to have a front license plate made up with Jesus, Mary, & Joseph--and donkey--with "Small One" on it. For those who don't remember, "Small One" was the name of the donkey in one of the kiddie movies about the Nativity.

Go ahead--think I'm nuts. I'm a "fool for Christ's sake."

I think I managed to witness to Christ while having the plate made up. The girl who took the order didn't know Christ. The artist, however, did.

The license plate was so the nuns could look out the window and see that this was indeed the car to be expecting. I would've had the "Joseph and Mary" put the plate on the dashboard when they drove up to the convent.

AMDG.

Blessings,
Gemma

Dear phamily, I must disagree with Gemma's most recent posts here. None of us here knows just yet what God's will is for Zwergel88.


To Zwergel88:
What your mom did really makes me feel so bad for you; however, it would be equally WRONG to have a kneejerk-in your face reaction to her as well. Yes it is only a retreat and you are in the very beginning of discernment, not as if you are getting ready to move into the convent, so it sure doesn't make sense that she took those actions. Your time to take a stand will come if you still feel strongly about visiting these sisters.
Your mom seems so fearful and is in need of prayer too.
Are you an only child? That might explain why she wants to squash this aspiration to religious life. Would your mom be willing to talk to a priest or a friend or relative who might give her some perspective?

Know that your mom loves you, even though her words and actions may anger or frustrate you at the moment. A priest once mentioned in his homily about young women who gave themselves to God. He mentioned that it was a bit hard for the parents to let go. But he encouraged all parents at this Mass to understand it this way, if our daughters are ever called: That we [as the parents] have raised our daughters so well that God wanted her heart for Him alone.

Give it time. The nuns will most certainly look to your reactions in all of this as a test of your love and obedience. If your mother does not forbid writing to them, do so. If not, give her time. I am sure with a good spiritual director and prayers, things will work out. Perhaps she can even speak to a priest she is comfortable with?


With prayers!

[quote name='Gemma' date='Jun 3 2006, 06:12 AM' post='995998']
Which is why all this advice to be submissive steams me. It's your life, not hers. If I had been in your place, I would've exploded and told her what was going to happen, whether she liked it or not. Then I would've made arrangements to move in with friends. In fact, I had a "safe house" arranged in case my situation at home became untenable. "Catholics stealing her child" was her mantra.

***Zwergl88...I will decline to answer any post that responds or posts that tries to launch a debate. I won't detract from the thread of your need for help and comfort. But my conscience wouldn't rest until I told you what you probably know: that there are better ways of interacting with your mom and better solutions than taking off for someone else's house.***


As a mother, I am outraged at this advice. Zwergl88 is a minor if I understand it correctly. Adults should never encourage a minor to go against their parents in this manner. "Exploding" at her mother would have only convinced her mom that 1. She is too immature to know her calling and 2. Gotten her in even more trouble and probably grounded and miserable.

I am only guessing here, but I am assuming that zwergl88 is not 100% self-supporting financially or yet graduated. To feed her pipe-dreams of a going to a "safe-house" [aka running away] is not only irresponsible but could prove to be dangerous for this young woman.

When she is of adult age, then she can make plans and go about her life and discernment in a reasonable, clear-headed, and above all SAFE manner. By then, I am praying that her mother will have calmed and accepted the idea of her daughter's discernment. There's a few months there to dispel myths and to assure her mom of always, always being loved.

Doesn't matter to me that moms are disagreeing with me. I realize as a mom myself that my boys have a calling in life, and it's up to me to help them find it. God put them here on this Earth to do a job that only they can do. They're 12 and 13 now, and the 12 year-old is bigger than I am.

Okay, so we don't know if God is actually calling Z88 to the convent.

Her mom's reactions struck a nerve with me, and brought back all kinds of nasty memories of my conversion process. A family counselor told my parents that if they believed that I was "saved" to let me convert. Pope JPII was in the U.S. that day. I mean what I say when I tell you to check the age of majority in her state. Age of majority means she is able to sign contracts without parental consent.

But, then again, if the moms here read my story, they'd roundly and soundly condemn me for how I did things. I'm autistic. I did the best I could. As an Aspie autistic, I'm bluntly honest. I see the path to take, and I will not be dissuaded. A girl can be rebellious against her parents, and a perfect saint in the convent. Sometimes parents have to have their attitudes adjusted--a new perspective given. "Get a grip. I know what I'm doing."

Look at Mother Angelica's flight to the convent.

You'll all probably be very offended by what I have to say next. You all sound like you're coming from "perfect" Catholic families. I know there's no such thing as "perfect," but compared to dysfunctional families like the one I grew up in, they are. I guess Z88 can email me off-board if she wishes. This'll be my last post for a while.

Blessings,
Gemma

I would talk to your mother and find out what bothers her about it. My mom, who is a very spiritual woman who trusts God, freaked out and still cries when I talk about the religious life. This will hurt your parents in some way, because growth hurts. I have discovered this, and we just have to trust the Lord.
If she still forbids you, ask her how long she will do this. My mom has forbidden me to enter a convent or get married until I am done with school. It is a sacrafice for me, but I am being obedient because I think Jesus speaks through my parents.
Pray for your mom and then ask her why she is forbiding you. You may be surprized.
Gemma, I totally respect your viewpoint. But I feel that if the Lord wants someone in a convent, he will get them there. If you fell in love at 17, you wouldn't get married just then... you would wait and discern until it made sense and you felt peace about it. Same thing with the convent.
This may be a cross for you dear but your mom will come around, and if she doesn't, God will open doors for you.
Hang in there.
God Bless You.

I would talk to your mother and find out what bothers her about it. My mom, who is a very spiritual woman who trusts God, freaked out and still cries when I talk about the religious life. This will hurt your parents in some way, because growth hurts. I have discovered this, and we just have to trust the Lord.
If she still forbids you, ask her how long she will do this. My mom has forbidden me to enter a convent or get married until I am done with school. It is a sacrafice for me, but I am being obedient because I think Jesus speaks through my parents.
Pray for your mom and then ask her why she is forbiding you. You may be surprized.
Gemma, I totally respect your viewpoint. But I feel that if the Lord wants someone in a convent, he will get them there. If you fell in love at 17, you wouldn't get married just then... you would wait and discern until it made sense and you felt peace about it. Same thing with the convent.
This may be a cross for you dear but your mom will come around, and if she doesn't, God will open doors for you.
Hang in there.
God Bless You.

zwergel88,

Sorry to hear that your mom emailed them. Don't worry too much because nearly all vd's have probably had experiences with girls' whose parents are not supportive of their vocation...you'd be surprised, some of them were probably in your shoes before!

Keep praying & try to find a priest, religious, or just any friend wherever you are who will support you as you wait. Be patient and pray that God shows you his will in the little things.

Peace

I went through something similar when I was discerning religious life. It put a HUGE strain on my family life, but it's a sacrifice worth making. Remember that Jesus says that those who put Him even above their own families will be rewarded in heaven. If you truly are called to religious life, it won't matter what your family thinks because your desire for that vocation will be too strong to ignore.

It's always good to choose your battles. That's not to say you shouldn't have a spine, but don't waste time trying to explain things that your family just isn't going to understand. I know, at least with my own family, that sometimes you just can't reason with people. It's REALLY hard for parents to understand religious life, even if they are Catholic because the lifestyle goes against everything our culture teaches us. It's such a radical way of living the Gospel that some people may call you an extremist or fanatic. Religious life is an inherently supernatural vocation... everything about it is meant to reflect the kingdom of God, not the ways of the world. If they're not acquainted with the things of God, they probably won't understand.

Do what God wants for you anyway.