It usually takes a lot to get me to cry, but the last few days I have been tearing up at the drop of a hat. I have spent a LOT of the last 24 hours crying my head off. Last night, I cried more desperately than I think I ever have in my life. It was like someone had died. I am talking laying on the floor, literally pounding my fists and wailing. It was draining. I am still exhausted.

Why am I crying so much? Well, because of my family. Every time I think about what a religious vocation means for my relationship with my family, the tears start. I did not realize how fiercely I loved them until I thought about how my contact with them will be so far cut down if I am called to religious life.

In my head, I know that if God is calling me to the religious life, he will give me such joy and grace that I will be able to deal with being away from my parents and siblings. Right now though, my heart hurts so much. I feel like a sad, scared little girl and I want my Mom and Dad so much.

Yesterday, my Mom sent me an e-mail and in it she said, "The thing I want most for my children is happiness." I read it at work and immediately started crying. I'm crying now, just typing it. Today I sent my parents a really long e-mail that would leave no doubt in their minds that I am seriously discerning the religious life. I mean, they knew this before, but this felt like the definitive occasion of telling them. I was so scared while I waited for my Mom to read that e-mail and call me.

When she did call, she was so wonderful. She is not Catholic, and she has a hard time understanding my faith. She is never going to be truly happy about this decision for herself, but she will be glad of it for me if this is what I joyfully choose. She said again, "Your father and I love you, and we want you to do whatever will bring you the most happiness. Don't worry about is, don't worry about giving us grandkids, don't worry about taking care of us when we get older." She said she was worried about me because I seem very confused and sad (both true) but that whatever I chose to do, she and my Dad would support me.

Oh my goodness, I am bawling again. I can hardly see the screen. This is so difficult. I feel like I am going to pieces.

Dear one,
Your mother just gave you a marvelous gift in that e-mail. It brought a tear to my eye too. You know you are loved no matter what. That gives you the freedom to explore until you know what your vocation in life will be.
God bless!

You've got great parents. I would miss them too.

Disclaimer: The advice that I'm about to give is totally uninformed and most likely going to be useless. My intent is to tell you what I think you need to hear. I hope that I do NOT hurt your feelings in any way.

I'm putting on my 'dad' hat now.

You're feelings are totally normal but I think you're letting your emotions get away from you. They certainly seem to be preventing you from seeing the entire picture. For example:

- You'll still be able to see your parents and other family members
- God has a way of making families closer in these situations. I have no doubt that your family bond will be strengthened too.
- The religious vocation, like all vocations involves crosses as well as joys. Offer up these sufferings for others. When I was suffering greatly after Sr. Lauren entered I offered up my sufferings for parents who have lost their children to death. You might want to offer your sufferings up to those who have lost parents to death. Doing this really helps to put things in perspective. As hard as these times are, think of how much worse they could be and offer up your sufferings to those suffering even greater grief.
- At some point you're going to go off and 'do your own thing' anyway. Take comfort that you will be doing what you feel God is calling you to do and not just what you want to do. Your parents seem to get this.

My advice to you is to pick yourself up and look at the big picture. Go spend some time in front of the Blessed Sacrament if you can and pray that God gives you the grace and strength to get through this.

You'll be in my prayers.

Michael

Dear Michael,

Thanks for that advice. Although intended for SeekingHisPlan, it has once again helped me and I am sure it will help others!

SeekingHisPlan, I can relate to where you are coming from. When I first started to discern my biggest stumbling block was my family ties, specifically my mum. In fact, I refused to look at any communities that were more then a few hrs away (Bad idea Now I know how crazy I was trying to put limiations on God's call and I am all gung ho to move clear across the continent!) My mum and I are so close that people laughed when I told them about my discernment. Their first thoughts were, you could never survive without your mum! I went through a really dark time at first. I would get teary and almost paniky at the thought of leaving for good.
Believe me, this will pass. As time went on and I spent more and more time getting to know my most precious Saviour I began to be filled with more peace and now even joy! I came to see that as close as we are to our family, God is All and the gift of a vocation is an incredible blessing!

This is the visual I have come to form in my head. Right now it may seem hard and not what you want to hear but thanks to the help of Mother Assumpta (SMME) it really changed my outlook.......
We always existed as God's beloved children and God decided that this time in history is when we could serve Him best and so we came to be. He entrusted us to our families for a short while to mould and support us on our journey. Ultimately this life is about our personal journey with God and we must learn to let go of all that is other. Now by no means do I mean that we should just up and leave our families and that is that. It is hard to do justice to what Mother Assumpta said but it just helps to put thigs in perspective. We will always have our families but this short time we are given on earth should be used to fuflill God's plan for our lives. Now if that is indeed in the form of a religious vocation God WILL give you all the graces you and your family need to make this transition. It may also be helpful to talk to other sisters and families of sisters who have gone through this (Thanks Michael!!!!) I am always amazed how the sisters I have talked through say their relationships have been sanctified and strenghtened. I figure if you are willing to sacrifice the most important thing in your life for the love and service of God, His blessings surrounding the matter will be 100 fold

Please try to be at peace and pray, pray, pray! It really did help me. Hand it all over to God, tell Him exactly how you feel and He will bring you through this. Think of it as a time of purification. God is purifying your relationships so that you can hand them over to him and surrender all aspects of your life to Him. And as Michael said you will still be able to see your family during visits and write and call. Some active communities even let you come home for a week in the summer

It is reallllly late here and I feel like I have been rambling somewhat. I hope some of what I said will help you. You are in my prayers

God Bless,

Allison

Praying for you to the Mother of God. :hug:

Thanks for your prayers and insight Michael. Much appreciated.

I was clearly having a "moment" when I posted. I had just burst into tears again, for what seems like the hundredth time in a few days. I have some other emotional stuff going on at the moment, so I'm just one great big basket case it seems.

First point- true of course. I mean, I talk to the 'rents on the phone once a week if that, and see them once every few months. The adjustment won't be impossible, just hard.

Second point- Even as I was talking to my Mom, I was thinking, "God has this all in hand and he will bear out what needs to be done. Stop worrying." Then I would start crying again and the logic would go to heck in a handbasket. I've learned I can't cry and think logically at the same time. LOL.

Third point: (Folks, this OLAM Dad guy is pretty darn smart!) I was just down in the kitchen thinking: "put your sufferings next to the sufferings of Christ on the cross, put your sadness next to the sadness of Our Lady of Sorrows, and see how small yours are, and yet, how your cup of blessing overflows. Christ has taken all of my cross but a sliver which He left for me, and here I am complaining as it pokes me in the side.

Fourth: True. But right at this exact second, I am having all of that insecurity that comes with one's first "real" job, regular hours, adult co-workers and all that jazz. It has been an "I'm a bad grown up." few weeks, and I've been needing my parents like I haven't for years now.

"Your parents seem to get this."

Ah-HA. Perhaps here is the lynchpin. They haven't gotten it in the past. They have been fighting it tooth and nail since last year around this time, and making their unhapiness known in subtle and not so subtle ways. That, "We want you to do what makes you happy." from my Mom yesterday is the first outright supportive thing either of them have said. That is pretty overwhelming. All of a sudden I get confirmation of what I have been praying for for months ("Lord, open their hearts.")

They're finally softening and it's totally excruciating. For some reason it's OK when I have a big blowout with them and I have to be all tough, and then I and walk away saying to myself, "I will set the mother against her daughter and the daughter against her mother." When all of a sudden they get it and start softening up waxing poetic, it throws me. You know? When it felt like they were "blocking" my vocation I could buck them. I HAD to. Now all of a sudden I have nothing to get stubborn and obstinate and even angry about, so all this emotion I've been dealing with is suddenly sadness and it's overwhelming.


So you see, I'm not simply cracking up and letting my emotions have the best of me. There are a few reasons I'm having trouble holding it together these days.

Piobaire, I did the same thing with putting limitations on God. "OK God, I'll be a Sister for you, but only in an active order. OK, maybe active-contemplative, but I don't want to leave Canada. " Oh, I cooked up all sorts of conditions Reality check!! God doesn't work like that!!

The things you and OLAM Dad have said are things I have been telling myself for the past few days too. I just have a hard time remembering them when I am in tears. Tears and rationality don't happen at the same time for some reason!

In that ridiculously long e-mail I sent to my Mom, I was talking about how, ultimately, we should use our time on this earth to do God's will, and that if we choose to do our own will instead, we cannot really be happy and fulfilled. If I am called to religious life, the holiest earthly husband and the greatest kids in the world would not fullfil me! And it is the same with the family of course. If I "miss" my vocation because I am too wrapped up with them, well then didn't I just miss my truest happiness? I just keep coming back again and again to the notion that the things we give up for God are so small in comparison to the grace and the joy He pours on us when we do His will. It's like....I KNOW all of this deeply in my heart, but before I could think of it as just an idea. Now it is starting to become real and it's difficult and very emotional.

The fact that I'm so emotional in and of itself is pretty off-putting because I'm not usually an outbursting type of person. I write and think. I don't scream and bawl. I find it interesting that the last few huge cries I have had have all been God related. However, this constant crying is something else altogether, and I think my very emotional state is making me more emotional if that makes any sense whatsoever.

Wow OlamDad that should be pinned! I think most every person discerning a religious vocation goes through what SeekingHisPlan is going through, though maybe not as severe and this post helps.

Dear SeekingHisPlan,

Michael and Allison have spoken so well, it helped me also. I think their advice is very sound and I hope it has helped you at this time in your discernment. As a parent of a religious I can sympathize with your parents and the relationship you have with them. Your parents sound great. Maybe it didn't start out that way but I think you would agree that God answered your prayer and soften their hearts. Thank Him for this blessing. I think your emotional struggles or very normal and probably more healtthy than a disagreeable relationship with them while seeking God in your religious vocation.

I think God has and will bless you abundantly for the sacrifice He is asking of you. I wish to encourage you in vocation and thank you for sharing this difficult time. I will pray for you and your parents, God bless 'em.

Mr. Ray