Last year at this time, if I was having trouble that involved my Mom and my vocation,, I was usually angry, or at least mifffed, and feeling as though she was picking on me. Right now, I'm just sad. This post is long by way of many expainations, so if you get all the way through it, thank you.



Bit of backstory: I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for a number of years, and have tried a number of treatment options. I was never on meds, and don't intend to be. Most of this past year, I have been self-managing with counselling once in a while. I'll be re-evaluating this in a month or two.


For most of the last few months, I've been in a mental state wherein the depression is pretty constant, but low-grade. I'm functioning adequately, but not optimally, and most days are in that "Ok, but not great" range. Every two weeks or so, I'll have a few really intense days, during which I will start bawling at the drop of a hat. (This is definitely a new thing for me!)



Over and over again, I have noticed that the times when I see the most change (for the better) in my moods are the times when I am at Mass or in prayer. A phrase that keeps coming up in my spiritual journal is, "The peace of God which passeth all understanding." Sometimes, especially after receiving Eucharist, the feeling is absolutely all-encompassing- physical, mental, spiritual. Completely amazing.

My current response to the call to religious life seems to be that I am scared to take that step of declaring with absolute certainty that I am going to be a Sister. It's not born of, "I don't want to." anymore....it's born of "I want to, but I'm not sure I can." But God is working on my human heart. The scripture where Jesus calms the storm is really resonating with me right now: "Why are you afraid? Have you still no faith?" and the assurance that Jesus has everything in hand.

This fact that I am the most "OK", the most stable, the most at peace when I am before the Lord in prayer is telling me something important. If I keep living my life the way it is now, those feelings of peace and security will continue to be as fleeting as there are now. As long as my life keeps being so busy that I feel like I'm trying to "squeeze God in around the edges." my heart will not be at rest. Those with vocations to marriage and family can, by the grace of God, find those important ways to serve the needs of their family and still place God at the centre of their lives. I don't think I'm one of those people. I keep thinking, "Here I am having trouble as a single and mostly independent person with a good amount of free time. How would I manage if I were somebody's wife and somebody's mother?" I don't think I would. The religious life has its own challenges, but by the grace of God, I'll be able to meet those challenges. I;ve never lived those challenges, but they seem more the type that, by discipline, perserverance, faith and the grace of God, I would be able to handle

I've been talking to my Mom a bit about how I've been feeling lately. She has been wonderful, really. If I am at work and having trouble getting through the day, she will send me a few supportive e-mails to encourage me. She is trying to offer advice and insight as to how I can help myself feel better.


What she's saying and what I'm thinking seem to be essentially the same thing: I'm doscombobuated because I don't have all I need for spiritual fulfillment. The problem is that we see spirituallity in two such vastly different ways that neither can relate to the other. For me, the fact that my Mom can't relate to me is sad, but at the end of the day, I'm glad we've gotten to a place where she can at least say, "Do what you need to do to be happy." I'm not holding my breath for her to understand me.

On the other hand, she seems to be desperate for me to be able to see things from her POV.

To give you a bit of background on my Mom's spiritual beliefs, they center around "Tobias", who is believed to be a reincarnation of the Tobias from the biblical book of Tobit. It is believed by "Tobias" followers that he is now giving "lessons" or messages, channeled through a human medium. These lessons are channled once a month and are available online. These lessons are to my Mom what scripture and the teachings of the Church are to me- instructions and guidelines for how to live her life. I believe there is unimaginable reward in the keeping of the Lord's word and teachings. My Mom seems to feel the same way about the channeled Tobias....and not that she worships him as I do God, but that she puts so much stock in everything he says. Every time we talk, every second sentence begins with, "Tobias said...." This is a blurb from the website, explaining the type of things this Tobias is saying:

Tobias is an energy, or spirit, channeled by Geoffrey Hoppe. Tobias is part of a spiritual group called the Crimson Council. This council has the spiritual purpose of teaching the use of energies on this planet and other places in Creation. Tobias and the Crimson Council bring an energy of wisdom and love, and a perspective from the other side of the veil.

I don't post this to ridicule my Mom or her beliefs, but to show where she's coming from and why it's hard to relate. She is always offering words of wisdom from Tobias, or asking me to read part of a "lesson" and she seems so sad that I can't begin to understand I know what I believe, and no matter which way I slice it, this does not fit in. Maybe I'm being silly, but it seems almost dangerous for me to try to get it. It seems as though it may start undermining my faith, and because I feel that way, everything in me is telling me, "Have nothing to do with this."


It just makes me sad that my Mom is so hurt by it. As much as I complained at the time, it was easier when she baited me and mocked me and told me I was closed-minded, elitist and a hypocrite. Now it's just that she sees me hurting and wants to help, but the way she knows to go about that is not a way I can understand in the least. That hurts her, and the hurting makes me sad because she's my Mom.

I guess all I can do (and it's powerful, I know) is pray for God to bless and console us both, and to make a way for me to grow closer to her without having to compromise my faith.

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Thanks for sharing. That is tough stuff. You will be in my prayers.

That being said, stay away from "Tobias". You probably don't need me to tell you this but any use of a "medium" is an opportunity for Satan and/or his demons to pretend they are someone else e.g. "Tobias". I'm not trying to scare you, but you need to know the truth. I realize you love your mother, but don't risk the eternal salvation of your soul.

If you haven't, I would recommend telling her in a very firm way -just once-, that you will not listen when she talks about "Tobias" as it is against your religion and that if she is truly "open-minded" she will respect that and respect your decisions. Then, decisively change the topic anytime she brings it up and mentally resolve to dismiss what she has said. You don't want to alienate her further into the clutches of this farce at best and demonic at worst, so continue to be very kind to her and supportive in other ways if possible, e.g. compliment her about her hair or cooking, how pretty she is, help her with dishes or gardening when you are at her home -things she can't tie back to her involvement in "Tobism" and things that communicate your love for her even though you reject the beliefs she is being deceived by.

Also, have you started talking with a vocations directress, spiritual director, or priest? I think it would be VERY beneficial for you to have other reliable Catholics to be supported by. That way, you can be a support to your mother on her journey home and not be tempted to rely on anti-Catholic mumbo jumbo. Finally, it is good that you don't understand "Tobism" -for your own mental and spiritual health, I would refrain from trying!

God bless you -keep praying!

Before anything, let me be abundantly clear:

I find 100% of the capital-T Truth in the Church, as it was given by God through the Holy Spirit. I don't need to look anywhere else for anything else. It is all in the Church, and it is beautiful.

What's happening now is that I feel kind of like I'm swinging a giant axe around over my head, and I need to bring it down in exactly the right place, the place that will seperate who my mother is as a person from those beliefs she holds which are not of God, thus allowing me to say, "Mom, I reject this Tobias you believe in, and everything he/it says, but I love YOU." You said it exactly right with regards to rejecting the beliefs without alienating her. That's what I' trying to find how to do just now. The relating I was speaking of was not in terms of, "I can see how you may be right," but in terms of "I disagree with you, but I can sort of see what you're saying." Having thought about it as I wrote the original post, having read my Mom's latest e-mail and having prayed about it last night, I realize that that's not the route I need to go. I can't have this around me at all. Last summer was pretty agonizing as I was home with my parents for financial reasons, and every second sentence out of her mouth started with "Tobias said..." I spent a lot of time that summer invoking St Michael the Archangel, that's for sure!

This has been an ongoing problem with my Mom and I since I got really serious about my faith. She's never been Catholic, nor does she understand in the least why I would choose to be so.


As for me, yes, I have been in lengthy and continued conversation with my priest, several Sisters (including Vocation Directors of several communities) and also a Spiritual Advisor. In fact, I need to sit down and finish the letters I have in progress to several Sisters.

Thank you so very much for your prayers, and worry not. From my faith I shall not be shaken.

Keep strong and stay close to Christ! I'm praying for you.

PP