Hey guys... I don't exactly know what to say... And at the same time I feel like saying so much... But in a nutshell I'm REALLY feeling frustrated and confused right now... And I know the answer is prayer and all... But right now... It's like I'm getting an answer in prayer but it's not helping me feel much better...

Okay I'll start at the beginning... Sorta... I started really discerning religious life starting in March... Years previous, my parents thought I had a possible vocation, but I never felt joy only fear and.. Well I don't know why but I would cry every time they brought it up... And I only looked into it because I felt it a sense-of-duty... You know, "I guess this is what I'm SUPPOSED to do... So I have to do it... despite everything." Eventually it got so bad my parents thought maybe it wasn't for me after all.. I was relieved and started looking into other things and was thinking of being single for the Lord which was in my mind for years...

Then I went on a vocations retreat and was praying a TON in earnest that I wanted to do the Lord's Will not mine... I was sick of my own paths... I came back thinking of (and I was thinking of this previous) becoming a 3rd order religious, but I told Jesus I'd be more open... I thought I was but apparently not... I went online looking at 3rd orders then thought, "Okay Lord... I said I'd be more open..." And looked up the SMME website because I knew a bit about them! To make a long story short I really feel drawn to them... I mean really.. Whenever I get doubts I seem to get in my heart that what I am thinking isn't legit or that I"m not getting the whole story and will be shown the other half...

But I guess I really I don't want to make a "mistake"... I want to KNOW where I'm supposed to go and why I feel drawn to SMME... Some of my doubts contradict each other so they could just be temptations.. I rather think they may be... But my big 'ol question remains... Why? Why?? I personally don't think of myself as... I don't have very much confidence in my ability to teach kids? Why? I'm the oldest of a lot of kids and my sibs sometimes don't like what I say... "That show isn't appropriate" those clothes are too tight... etc... I get rolled eyes... And once when I was younger I had a "mutany" when I patrolled the first grade... My sis was in that grade and she sorta.. Well after what she was doing the class was not so apt to listen and just stay in line... And I'm afraid of that.... A whole class of kids? And my tone of voice isn't always enthusiastic... I dunno.. I feel like I"m making excuses... But my question to you is did you ever feel things like that? THANKS SO MUCH FOR YOUR HELP!!!!

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Have you talked with Sister Joseph Andrew (VD at DSMME), my dear? I really recommend talking with her. Send her a quick e-mail at: sjab@sistersofmary.org

I'm going to try to do that real soon! Pray for me cause I don't know how I'm going to explain it--it sounds so dumb!

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Trust me, she's heard EVERYTHING. Just be honest and forthright with her.

Veritas is right.

Send her an email hon.

A religious vocation is really a love story...the journey of your soul in its search for Our Lord. Take the time to develop a good spiritual life. Explore different convents..it matters little where you go, as long as you make the effort. Each order is so very different, but what the common denominator is, your love of the Lord and you desire to serve Him. Do not limit yourself to just one order, look around. Speak to different sisters. Explore. If you don't feel called to teach, then heck there are alot of other fields to research. Find out what is in YOUR heart. What your parents feel is only a guide. It seems like you are young, so you have time. And believe me, younger siblings never listen to a thing their older sibs say!!!
God Bless,
Alicemary

Just tell Sister what you told us. Feel free to im or pm me if you need to talk!!
In the Sacred Heart,
HC

Sent her an e-mail today... Thanks for the encouragement!

I'll keep you in prayer also. Don't be afraid...just keep following in the way Jesus leads you. Pray and listen and every obstacle will be removed and you will find your way to all He has planned for you.

No problem.

Just a note, it may be a bit before sister can get back to you. They just had a group make final vows, and they have first vowss and pre-postulent week coming up, so she has a lot on her plate right now.
Prayers.

I just want to echo some other people's suggestions. I got in touch with the SMME's via e-mail, and I can vouch for their sweetness. They're totally true and totally comforting. Please contact them.

You're in my prayers!