QUOTE(Janua Coeli @ Apr 23 2008, 07:38 AM)
I knew I was feeling called to be a hermit, and not a "hermit in community" as the Carmelites describe themselves. Although they are called to a life of hermit-like silence, the Wolverhampton Carmel is probably similar to many OCD Carmels in that they don't have a lot of time alone with God. They spend a lot of time in community - reciting the Divine Office together, mental prayer twice a day in the choir together, Recreation twice a day, eating meals in common, and many other tasks during the day together. They are certainly hermits compared to active orders, but their life is not one of solitude, which I seem to need more.
O Mary, we trust Thee!
“At Carmel and at the Judgment, I am alone with God”. A few thoughts on what the hermit aspect of Discalced Carmelite life means to me.
In Carmel, we live as “hermits in community”, individually and collectively loving God and giving ourselves to Him Who is our All. The eremitical side of our life is fostered by solitude and silence, aided on a practical level by the observance of Teresian enclosure and a determined withdrawal from the world, including the limiting of personal contacts with people outside. Within the monastery itself, when the sisters are not with the community or occupied with house duties, they remain in their cell, praying, studying or working. There is no common workroom, although at times they may need to work together on tasks that require collaboration. This solitude, even though it may not be perfect, is a great help for maintaining the silence and for prayer. Furthermore, sisters may only speak when required to do so by necessity or by reason of their duties, unless they have special permission to talk in response to some practical need.
According to the Rule and Constitutions handed down from St. Teresa, there is a certain number of community acts performed during the day. The community together pray the Divine Office, participate in the celebration of the Eucharist, spend their two hours of silent prayer/meditation (normally in choir), share their meals and hold recreation in common. These common acts do not, however, take anything away from the eremitical aspect of the life or prevent one from preserving an interior solitude and silence. As St. John of the Cross exhorts, one is to “live as though he were alone in the monastery”. (One explicit way of putting this into practice is striving deliberately not to notice what others are doing, or whether they are present at community activities, or what they are eating in the refectory, etc.) In fact, the cenobitical side of Carmel provides structure, stability and support for living a deep interior life, as well as offering opportunities to practise mortification, renunciation of one’s self-will, charity, patience, generosity and all the other virtues. Practising obedience in even little things is also a safeguard for knowing that one is doing the Will of God and keeping a proper balance in, for example, one’s penitential practices.
Being a hermit is not just about being physically alone (though normally that helps!). It is more an interior “living apart”, continually in God’s presence, and demands a detachment from everything that is not Him. At times one can feel an intense loneliness and isolation, even when surrounded by others, and it is only human to occasionally feel the need for affection, support and encouragement. In Carmel, not only are we not able to phone or e-mail a friend to chat to when things are difficult or we would like to express our feelings about something, we do not generally talk about personal stuff with our sisters either. And this can be very hard, especially when one is going through a particularly rough patch. (Some exception, of course, is made during formation, when one usually has more opportunities for sharing things with one’s novice mistress or some other sister. And at any stage one can always speak with the Prioress or ask permission to speak to a sister in answer to a spiritual need. Nevertheless, in practice it is frequently the case that when one really feels the need to talk, it is either not an appropriate time or the sister you have permission to talk to is otherwise engaged; and so one somehow just has to cope on one’s own, with the grace of God.)
Ordinarily, in due course, there is a gradual stripping away of all external supports and one is left truly “alone with God alone”. It is a valuable time for growing in self-knowledge but often distressing. There is no one to turn to, nowhere to go or to hide, no outlet for expressing one’s inner pain, fear and confusion, only Him. As we read in the psalms: “O where can I go from your spirit, or where can I flee from your face? If I climb the heavens, you are there. If I lie in the grave, you are there.” (Ps 138:7-8) In this dreadful solitude one is thrown back on God as one’s only security and support. And even He may seem to have abandoned or rejected you, so that you are left in darkness, emptiness and desolation, with apparently nothing to hold on to. At times like these it can often be a great consolation to have others sitting/kneeling near you in choir praying. One learns to value the hidden, prayerful support and example of other community members who are persevering in the same life, going through similar struggles and experiencing similar joys and sorrows. One also finds oneself turning even more to the saints and angels for help, especially Our Blessed Lady. She is a beautiful example of a hermit soul as she “treasured all these things and pondered them in her heart” while at the same time being fully committed to the needs of her family and her daily household duties.
In conclusion, may I just say how grateful I am for the tremendous privilege of being given a Carmelite vocation, however imperfectly I actually live it. I know that others may be drawn to an even more solitary life but, for me, Carmel is the place where I can be very deeply a hermit even while being part of a busy sisterly community. And should the path to union with God seem, at times, fraught with difficulties and desolation, deep down, below the level of feelings, there is a real joy and that true and enduring peace promised by Jesus, a peace that the world cannot give.
What truly beautiful feelings. It is wonderful that you have found what you need in your community and that your vocation is so clear to you. These are graces for which no price can be paid. I'm probably hyper sensitive these days, but your post seemed a little critical of what I had posted previously, as if my seeking more solitude was a failing of some kind, by not being able to find this in Carmel - but in the interests of the well being of this forum, I am going to reply as if nothing personal was meant, and that you are just sharing your own joy at your life in Carmel - ok? I realize too that I might have sounded as if I were criticizing Wolverhampton because I wanted more solitude, and your post might have been a "defense" of what you see as the Carmelite way of life. I certainly did not intend to disparage WV because I love them there very much, but what I post here is intended to help others in their discernment. The fact is that I
did find the lack of solitude (time physically alone) to be an impediment to my vocation within that community. The Terre Haute Carmel, for example, does their 2 hours of mental prayer alone instead of in community and they have one hermit day per week. This is the type of thing that I needed but did not have - not everyone needs this or indeed even wants it! One sister at WV said she didn't want a hermit day and would gladly give it up to someone else!
What your post does prove to me that each of us has to find the right "home" in religious life, so that we also feel what you do. But what is the perfect community for one person might not be so for another. We have to remember that we are all individuals and that is why discernment is so important, and why I now think that live-ins are a very good idea. It is true that a person might do a live-in and then decide not to return. The previous Prioress where I was did not like live-ins because she said that women who did them usually didn't return to enter. But how much better for everyone if the incompatibility is discovered prior to the "marriage" so that there is no divorce! As the new Prioress wrote to me... "We are all seeking the will of God." and I say "Amen" to that. And this also points out to me that the Prioress herself is a big factor in the spiritual and emotional health of the monastery, so it is a good thing that Rome prefers to have the Prioress change after a maximum of 2 terms of office (6 years). When one is in office for too long, I think they might begin to see
their will as the will of God instead of the other way around! I admit that I could be all wrong about my views on this - since the Benedictines have a superior for her life (I think) but this is a whole different topic anyway!
I too love the part in the Constitutions that you quoted: "Within the monastery itself, when the sisters are not with the community or occupied with house duties, they remain in their cell, praying, studying or working." I did not find this to be true during my brief time in my particular community, since every moment of the day was scheduled and time in the cell was discouraged - but each of us experiences life differently, so it is no wonder that we also experience religious life differently, even if we are within the same community.
You also state that "And at any stage one can always speak with the Prioress or ask permission to speak to a sister in answer to a spiritual need." That sounds wonderful and I am glad it is true for you, but speaking of my own situation, I was denied permission to speak with another sister during a time of crisis and on several other occasions as well. I was denied access to some books I had requested and I was also denied access to a regular spiritual director, having been told that there "weren't enough priests" available and other various reasons. I believe that this lack of spiritual guidance was a very strong factor in my being unable to persevere in my vocation. After months and months of pleading, a spiritual director was finally located for me just two weeks before I left, but by that time I had pretty much started thinking that this was not the community for me. Having said that, I want to add that there is nothing to say that it wouldn't be the perfect community for someone else, since we are all so different. There was a lot of love in the community and many very holy sisters (and some rather "unholy" ones
as well - but that can be found in any community! ).
Your post is beautiful though and it describes the almost romantic ideal of religious life - so you must be very grateful to God for allowing you to experience such a thing. Keep us all in your prayers please, especially those of us who haven't found our "homes" yet. God bless you.
She does write letters, so perhaps you could contact her to ask for her prayers and advice.
I don't want to judge a community for my failings - but would like to stress that proper discernment is most important.
I hope that in time the false feelings of guilt and failure will pass. To look at the blessings: you have some practical experience of the religious life now, you have added a monastery of nuns to your group of special friends, and you have a much deeper sense of your calling in life that you wouldn't otherwise have had. For the nuns' part, they have received some insight into the particular needs of overseas postulants. That's not failure.