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Particular Friendships In Religious Life


TeresaBenedicta

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TeresaBenedicta

This is a topic that I've thought about fairly often... and I wanted to introduce it to VSers, to see what everyone thinks about it. I'm especially interested in those who have "been there/done that" in regards to religious life, although everyone's welcome to contribute, of course!

Are particular friendships acceptable in the religious life? Certainly I'd imagine that some sisters are drawn more to some than others. But what level of friendship is appropriate in the convent? Might one have a "best friend" in the convent? Or is that more frowned upon? What level of sharing can one share with her sisters? Particularly when it comes to spiritual matters?

The Cistercian model of monasticism was based on a [i]schola dilectionis[/i]; a school of delight or of love. Friendship was foundational to proper living as a religious. St. Aelred wrote extensively on Christian friendship.

But, it would seem, that that sort of friendship is much different than the sort we are generally accustomed to having.

I once read an excellent book by Mother Mary Francis PPC called "But I Have Called You Friends" where she treats of particular friendship in the religious life. I might post some of her thoughts as the discussion progresses... but until then, what are your thoughts? Your experiences?

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Totally Franciscan

[quote name='TeresaBenedicta' timestamp='1309045501' post='2258757']
This is a topic that I've thought about fairly often... and I wanted to introduce it to VSers, to see what everyone thinks about it. I'm especially interested in those who have "been there/done that" in regards to religious life, although everyone's welcome to contribute, of course!

Are particular friendships acceptable in the religious life? Certainly I'd imagine that some sisters are drawn more to some than others. But what level of friendship is appropriate in the convent? Might one have a "best friend" in the convent? Or is that more frowned upon? What level of sharing can one share with her sisters? Particularly when it comes to spiritual matters?

The Cistercian model of monasticism was based on a [i]schola dilectionis[/i]; a school of delight or of love. Friendship was foundational to proper living as a religious. St. Aelred wrote extensively on Christian friendship.

But, it would seem, that that sort of friendship is much different than the sort we are generally accustomed to having.

I once read an excellent book by Mother Mary Francis PPC called "But I Have Called You Friends" where she treats of particular friendship in the religious life. I might post some of her thoughts as the discussion progresses... but until then, what are your thoughts? Your experiences?
[/quote]

I was in religious life a long time ago, actually at the time of Vatican II., so take this for what it is worth. My community was a large teaching community, and the postulants were separated from the novices, novices from professed, etc., except for very special occasions when recreation would include postulants and novices. Particular friendships were never a problem in our class of 19, small enough to get to know each one even though we came from different states/backgrounds. I happened to enter with a girl from my parish/schools. We had been very close since 2nd grade through high school. I believe our mistress mentioned very early on that we were to treat each of our sister postulants the same, which we did. I can see that particular friendships might be a problem in a very large postulant class, where one might be looking for the comfortable and familiar, but aside from the DSMME and Nashville Dominicans, I don't think that situation exists any more. Before VII, however, religious life was very different. That was one of the points of VII, for those in religious life to become more spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically normal.

As postulants, and I believe this was true of novices at least in our order, one was to discuss one's spiritual life/trials/problems with their mistress, not their class members. I think that was wise.

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faithcecelia

This is a really good question.

St Teresa valued friendship very much; she had a number of extremely close friends herself, and specifically told her sisters that 'all must be friends'. Indeed, it is one of the reasons that she set the maximun number in a Carmel so low (originally 13 then raised to 21). She had also witnessed and been a part of the cliquiness that was common in convents of her time, and particularly the way the social hiararchy was reflected in religious life with the rich sisters 'holding court' together or in the parlour while the poor sisters were their servants. By banning particular friendships in her Carmels (plus her other rules such as no doweries etc) she hoped this would be less of a problem.


It is, however, human nature that there are some people who we feel more attracted to and have a greater affinity with than others. The way it was put to me was that it is absolutely fine (and completely normal) to find yourself growing closer to some sisters. Its fine to find that there are some sisters you are able to share with on a deep level. It is fine to 'click' with someone. These closer friendships, when lived sensitively and prayerfully, can be of massive benefit to the sisters involved and the community as a whole.

The other side of the coin is that there are some people who rub us up the wrong way, and that is completely normal. There are people who (unconciously) offend us by their manners/ways, and that too is completely normal. But while the natural friendships need to be nurtured, so do those between sisters who do not have the natural attraction to each other. All these relationships - both easy and hard - need to be discreet (not hidden, just discreet) so that cliques do not form and so that noone feels left out at recreation. You need to love all your sisters through Christ, and will find you love some of them more humanly.

When I was first at Quidenham there were some sisters who I struggled to get on with, people who 'snapped' easily, or who seemed aloof, or who just had very different views of life to me. It is amazing how quickly, when you choose each day to love these sisters through Christ, you then find yourself loving them in a human way as well - there is not one sister there who I do not love with my whole heart, and that is what made being sent away quite as hard as it was.

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Great topic and Id like to mention the book "But I Have Called You Friends: Reflections on the Art of Christian Friendship" by Mother Mary Francis PCC. If the name sounds familiar it is because she also wrote The Right to be Merry. Only a few (33) pages of the book are available online to read so that is the extent of my knowledge of the book but so far so good. I encourage anyone to read it. The online part does contain a mention of "particular friendships" starting on page 18 [url="http://books.google.ca/books?id=KGniJl4IdhMC&printsec=frontcover&dq=mother+mary+francis+but+i+have+called+you+friends&source=bl&ots=uq_CO4wWN7&sig=TEsuGF3GO5GNBv6gqA4H07kr_PA&hl=en&ei=gPCfTb_HE5S00QH_tryIBQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CBYQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q&f=false"]Here[/url] is the link to the online copy.

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TeresaBenedicta

[quote name='vee8' timestamp='1309048400' post='2258773']
Great topic and Id like to mention the book "But I Have Called You Friends: Reflections on the Art of Christian Friendship" by Mother Mary Francis PCC. If the name sounds familiar it is because she also wrote The Right to be Merry. Only a few (33) pages of the book are available online to read so that is the extent of my knowledge of the book but so far so good. I encourage anyone to read it. The online part does contain a mention of "particular friendships" starting on page 18 [url="http://books.google.ca/books?id=KGniJl4IdhMC&printsec=frontcover&dq=mother+mary+francis+but+i+have+called+you+friends&source=bl&ots=uq_CO4wWN7&sig=TEsuGF3GO5GNBv6gqA4H07kr_PA&hl=en&ei=gPCfTb_HE5S00QH_tryIBQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CBYQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q&f=false"]Here[/url] is the link to the online copy.
[/quote]

:like:

I'm glad there's some of it online- that's the book I was referring to in my original post. Thanks, Vee!

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Lilllabettt

A very wise Sister from the Georgetown Visitation told me that in religious life, the problem is not particular friendships - but exclusive friendships. No Sister should ever be made to feel an "outsider" to any other, and no two Sisters should ever have anything between them that they would not happily share with a 3rd party.

Friendship in religious life can be a painful thing. One, for people who find they cannot love some Sisters on the natural level, and so have to struggle to show supernatural love. And also for people like me, for whom natural affection for everyone comes very easily, and who must deal with the reality that this cannot always be returned...

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[quote name='Lilllabettt' timestamp='1309050104' post='2258784']
A very wise Sister from the Georgetown Visitation told me that in religious life, the problem is not particular friendships - but exclusive friendships. No Sister should ever be made to feel an "outsider" to any other, and no two Sisters should ever have anything between them that they would not happily share with a 3rd party.
[/quote]

I agree with Lilllabettt's statement (above). I have had the experience (in one of the communities that I was with) that there was a fear of closeness ... i.e. growing too close to one sister or another.

I think the statement above hits it on the head -- as long as that closeness does not hinder your relationship with the other sisters, then its a healthy relationship.

It is a major blessing when you develop a friendship in the Lord. And a challenge to love those who you do not "particularly care for" (my words).

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[quote name='TeresaBenedicta' timestamp='1309049535' post='2258782']
:like:

I'm glad there's some of it online- that's the book I was referring to in my original post. Thanks, Vee!
[/quote]

:doh: I missed that part :paperbag:

Edited by vee8
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BarbTherese

I am not in religious life nor considering it but have experienced it. I should think that particular friendships are very normal in that we cannot feel drawn to every person; however, I think particular friendships in religious life or in any way of life are spiritually 'dangerous' if it means that one is not aware of nor interested in the needs of all others in one's community whatever that community may be (and we are all in community somewhere) i.e. if one relates only to one's particular friend and completely ignores all others in one's community and their needs. To be aware of and responsive to the sad, the lonely etc. and to be rejoicing with the joyful in their particular joys and victories that may come along. One could even say that a particular friendship should be forged with each of these, including that person that one feels personally drawn to in some way. I dont think it is possible or even spiritually beneficial to all in the community to have the same kind of relationship with every person except that every relationship has genuine Charity and Humility and a sense of community as guide. I think "community" is a very very important word and concept and usually not forged in a day but in a journey.
Sometimes, no matter what one says or does one can come across a very difficult person to oneself on a personal level - then genuine Charity and Humility and a sense of community will be sensitive to that other person and their needs and pray about the relationship, seek advice about it if this is appropriate.
I have a saying for myself "sense the gap . . . bridge it" and another is "only put a full stop after someone if absolutely necessary"

[quote]Before VII, however, religious life was very different. That was one of the points of VII, for those in religious life to become more spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically normal. [/quote]

Amen to that.

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carmenchristi

[quote name='Lilllabettt' timestamp='1309050104' post='2258784']
A very wise Sister from the Georgetown Visitation told me that in religious life, the problem is not particular friendships - but exclusive friendships. No Sister should ever be made to feel an "outsider" to any other, and no two Sisters should ever have anything between them that they would not happily share with a 3rd party.
[/quote]


This is sooo true. In my early years of religious life, particular friendships were frowned upon, but things progressed and changed and I can honestly say that these particular friendships have been a great blessing. A particular friendship between two religious should be a gift for the whole community. I agree that exclusive friendships are the real problem. In the past there was somewhat of a confusion between the two. Infact, God has blessed me with some particular friendships even outside my community, but these have proven only to be a great gift for myself and for the community. My sisters love my friends who come both from other religious institutes or are lay people. Friendship is a gift from God, and must be lived as such. In that way it compromises nothing but gives much.

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IgnatiusofLoyola

[quote name='carmenchristi' timestamp='1309131055' post='2258929']
This is sooo true. In my early years of religious life, particular friendships were frowned upon, but things progressed and changed and I can honestly say that these particular friendships have been a great blessing. A particular friendship between two religious should be a gift for the whole community. I agree that exclusive friendships are the real problem. In the past there was somewhat of a confusion between the two. Infact, God has blessed me with some particular friendships even outside my community, but these have proven only to be a great gift for myself and for the community. My sisters love my friends who come both from other religious institutes or are lay people. Friendship is a gift from God, and must be lived as such. In that way it compromises nothing but gives much.
[/quote]

Off-topic, but Carmen, if you are currently a religious Sister (as it sounds like you are), send a private message to dUSt (the Phatmass owner/administrator) letting him know, and he will give you a super-fantastic, gorgeous "Religious" tag that will show up on your posts, all at no cost to you. I confess I'm not completely sure of the difference between a religious Order and a religious institute, but give the basic details to dUSt, and he'll know if you qualify for the "Religious" tag. Active religious are especially valued in Vocation Station.

Edited by IgnatiusofLoyola
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MissScripture

[quote name='IgnatiusofLoyola' timestamp='1309135057' post='2258935']
Off-topic, but Carmen, if you are currently a religious Sister (as it sounds like you are), send a private message to dUSt (the Phatmass owner/administrator) letting him know, and he will give you a super-fantastic, gorgeous "Religious" tag that will show up on your posts, all at no cost to you. I confess I'm not completely sure of the difference between a religious Order and a religious institute, but give the basic details to dUSt, and he'll know if you qualify for the "Religious" tag. Active religious are especially valued in Vocation Station.
[/quote]
I think dUSt's PM box is often full, so if that's the case, either PM IcePrincessKRS (she is another administrator) or PM me or any of the other mods, if you so desire. :)

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IgnatiusofLoyola

[quote name='MissScripture' timestamp='1309136203' post='2258940']
I think dUSt's PM box is often full, so if that's the case, either PM IcePrincessKRS (she is another administrator) or PM me or any of the other mods, if you so desire. :)
[/quote]

MS--Thanks for that. I didn't know if mods were officially allowed to do that.

When did you become a mod?(I'm sure you'll tell me you've been a mod for a year, and I'll feel like an idiot--so what else is new?)

BTW--I think we need a new tag for "Relative of Religious" or perhaps "sister of Sister." :joecool:

Edited by IgnatiusofLoyola
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MissScripture

[quote name='IgnatiusofLoyola' timestamp='1309136737' post='2258943']
MS--Thanks for that. I didn't know if mods were officially allowed to do that.

When did you become a mod?(I'm sure you'll tell me you've been a mod for a year, and I'll feel like an idiot--so what else is new?)

BTW--I think we need a new tag for "Relative of Religious" or perhaps "sister of Sister." :joecool:
[/quote]
We can't give the tag, but we can tell Icey and Dust to. :hehe: I've been a mod for a few months. Maybe since March? I don't really remember, actually...lol!

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[quote name='MissScripture' timestamp='1309141278' post='2258956']
We can't give the tag, but we can tell Icey and Dust to. :hehe:
[/quote]

Well as long as you don't let all that power go to your head ...

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