22 replies to this topic

[Annie12]

I am worried that the order I am looking into will be, for a lack of a better word, extreme. I am looking into an active/ contemplative order and I am scared about what their customs are. I don't want to have to ask for personal products while on my knees. I feel terrible in saying this but it is really worrying me. How do I know God is calling me to an order if I already have set things I don't want in an order???? I hope I don't sound like a fool and I hope I get as many replies as possible because I need all the advice I can get!

[TheresaThoma]

Have you visited this community yet? Sometimes the only way to know is to see how things are for yourself. Things that may seem a bit odd or extreme at first may actually turn out to be really quite minor.
But if after a visit you still feel really uncomfortable that is probably a sign that you should look elsewhere.
Prayers!

[maximillion]

Annie - I do hope this wasn't a fearful response to my post.

I entered this austere order a long long time ago. I don't know if sisters still have to ask for every last thing on their knees. Some do and some don't. I agree with the above poster in that you would need to visit to find out about this. There is a thread on here somewhere about just such things but I can't find it.

I do know lots of people posted and it seemed that practices were very different community to community.

[Annie12]

I actually started worrying about this when I found out about the Missionaries of Charity. I don't think I am called to a life that strict. I already find it immensely difficult to give up all that I know ( family, friends, house, pets etc.). I am having second thoughts and I don't know if they are for the right reasons. I would appreciate your prayers and advice.

[maximillion]

Annie, a life as a religious sister is as you are already aware, not an easy one.

It IS hard to give up the things and people we love, our family, friends, pets etc. This is why only the love of God can support us to take such a step. While there are many who enter with joy, this does not mean they shed no tears for those they are leaving, or that they find this easy.
I would not say that finding this hard is a barrier to becoming a sister. There are lots of beautiful communities out there that are not so austere as the MC's..............

I would say that if there is no distinct natural inclination towards the life then it may be that it isnt for you.

Keep an open mind, a heart turned towards Him, and a will free enough to follow where He leads.


Prayers!!!

[beatitude]

The biggest thing that God asks us to give up - and the hardest to let go of - is our fear.

Think of St Peter trying to walk on the Sea of Galilee when the storm was up. He did want to go to Jesus, so he got out of the boat - he made his best effort. But he was weak and afraid and he began to think that he was sinking. Jesus was there all the time, and he needn't have been afraid. But his fear was too big and he just wouldn't let go of it.

Sometimes we cling to things in our lives - friendships, pets, our favourite armchair - because they fill up a lonely hole, and we're terrified of what that hole might do to us if we let it. This isn't the right way to enjoy our friendships and other good things in life. Serving God in whatever way he asks (as a nun, as a single person, as a wife, as a priest...) won't take these things away from you. It will just teach you to appreciate them in the best way possible, with no fear of loss in there at all.

[LaboureSociety]

A few ideas...

It is important to listen to yourself in the process. Of course, religious life is challenging -as are all vocations. Not knowing this community, I am not making a particular judgement, but sadly, not all religious communities are healthy. Good formation and healthy relationships are really, really, important.

If this community seems so 'extreme' or 'strict' as to concern you -continue to investigate. Trust your gut and don't feel guilty if you decide this is not the right place for you. There have been many devout, orthodox, sisters who have tried to 'fake it till they make it' who have ended up leaving even after vows because they just weren't in healthy communities. That is painful for everyone involved.

God has given you free will -some religious groups (the Legion was a good example), even though they were orthodox, did not use healthy recruiting practices and sometime those philosophies still spill over into our Catholic ideas of discernment. What are the fruits of the Spirit? You might find Father Scanlon's book, 'What Does God Want' very helpful.

So, in sum, don't be afraid when there are challenges or different approaches that is to be expected to a certain extent -but be smart! I know this note heavily focuses on the latter, but sometimes we get so excited about vocations, we fail to address that part, too, so I'm just making up for a little ground.

[LaboureSociety]

A few ideas...

It is important to listen to yourself in the process. Of course, religious life is challenging -as are all vocations. Not knowing this community, I am not making a particular judgement, but sadly, not all religious communities are healthy. Good formation and healthy relationships are really, really, important.

If this community seems so 'extreme' or 'strict' as to concern you -continue to investigate. Trust your gut and don't feel guilty if you decide this is not the right place for you. There have been many devout, orthodox, sisters who have tried to 'fake it till they make it' who have ended up leaving even after vows because they just weren't in healthy communities. That is painful for everyone involved.

God has given you free will -some religious groups (the Legion was a good example), even though they were orthodox, did not use healthy recruiting practices and sometime those philosophies still spill over into our Catholic ideas of discernment. What are the fruits of the Spirit? You might find Father Scanlon's book, 'What Does God Want' very helpful.

So, in sum, don't be afraid when there are challenges or different approaches that is to be expected to a certain extent -but be smart! I know this note heavily focuses on the latter, but sometimes we get so excited about vocations, we fail to address that part, too, so I'm just making up for a little ground.

[EmilyAnn]

Don't freak out before you know what the practices of the order are! It may be you're panicking over nothing.

I think others have given good advice about visiting and seeing what it's like. If it doesn't feel right then that's nothing bad, it just means look somewhere else. When you find the right place you'll know. If your heart is telling you an order like the Missionaries of Charity isn't for you then trust that. I know I could never live like they do.

Fear is normal. It's a big change and a big decision and fear is a normal reaction. There is a lot to give up but there is also a lot to be gained. Life is not all sunshine and roses, whatever life you choose. Part of life is learning to cope with fear.

[Annie12]

I can't understand my own heart sometimes. With religious life, I am scared to be leaving everything behind. With Marriage I am afraid ... well... pretty much everything and with single life I am afraid of guilt that may be because of not following God's path for my life. I have 4 years of College to discern but right now I am terrified of slipping up. I don't want to hurt anyone and mostly God. I have already promised him that I would follow him in religious life and If he really IS calling me there and I don't I would feel guilty for the rest of my life. I feel like this has become a huge burden in my life. I wish I wasn't so obsessed with finding my vocation. I wish it could just happen.

Sometimes I wonder if I really do have a vocation or if it is a way of running from my fears. Even worse is that sometimes my belief that I have a vocation to religious life become a moment of pride! At times I really feel deep down that I am called and other time I feel like I am just faking it. I don't know what to do because I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. Thank you for all of you help everyone!

Edited by Annie12, 26 April 2012 - 02:00 PM.

[EmilyAnn]

I can't understand my own heart sometimes. With religious life, I am scared to be leaving everything behind. With Marriage I am afraid ... well... pretty much everything and with single life I am afraid of guilt that may be because of not following God's path for my life. I have 4 years of College to discern but right now I am terrified of slipping up. I don't want to hurt anyone and mostly God. I have already promised him that I would follow him in religious life and If he really IS calling me there and I don't I would feel guilty for the rest of my life. I feel like this has become a huge burden in my life. I wish I wasn't so obsessed with finding my vocation. I wish it could just happen.

Sometimes I wonder if I really do have a vocation or if it is a way of running from my fears. Even worse is that sometimes my belief that I have a vocation to religious life become a moment of pride! At times I really feel deep down that I am called and other time I feel like I am just faking it. I don't know what to do because I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. Thank you for all of you help everyone!

Maybe you could do with taking a break from it. If you're going to college you have plenty of time. I did the same thing when I started discerning, I wanted to rush everything and hurry it. Taking a break could be good for you. It's not saying no to anything, it's just giving yourself a little space to figure things out without as much pressure. I don't know how long you've been discerning for or how seriously you've been discerning lately but maybe your anxieties are a sign you should slow down.

[cmariadiaz]

A few ideas...

It is important to listen to yourself in the process. Of course, religious life is challenging -as are all vocations. Not knowing this community, I am not making a particular judgement, but sadly, not all religious communities are healthy. Good formation and healthy relationships are really, really, important.

If this community seems so 'extreme' or 'strict' as to concern you -continue to investigate. Trust your gut and don't feel guilty if you decide this is not the right place for you. There have been many devout, orthodox, sisters who have tried to 'fake it till they make it' who have ended up leaving even after vows because they just weren't in healthy communities. That is painful for everyone involved.

God has given you free will -some religious groups (the Legion was a good example), even though they were orthodox, did not use healthy recruiting practices and sometime those philosophies still spill over into our Catholic ideas of discernment. What are the fruits of the Spirit? You might find Father Scanlon's book, 'What Does God Want' very helpful.

So, in sum, don't be afraid when there are challenges or different approaches that is to be expected to a certain extent -but be smart! I know this note heavily focuses on the latter, but sometimes we get so excited about vocations, we fail to address that part, too, so I'm just making up for a little ground.

I wished I could give 100000000 props to the post. It is spot on.

Look ... I entered two different communities. The first wasn't perfect (no community is) but they never did anything to affect my freedom/ability to choose.

The second I have to admit (and it has taken 3 years to get to this point) took my freedom away, and has a lot of the characteristics of a cult.

I am *not* necessarily saying that any of the communities mentioned during this thread are healthy or not, but I am saying that proper discernment is necessary.

There is a post by TradMom that was perfect -- and this was posted about 8 months after I returned from that bad experience. I recognized that there was truth in what she posted even then, and I see it even more now.

http://www.phatmass....tion-resources/

Note that the thread has a bit of "controversy" but if you read what TradMom was trying to do you understand that she really was only sending a warning out (not on any particular community).

In summary -- do your proper discernment. If you get a sense of any warning signs, whatever they are (subtle or otherwise) pay attention to them. It could simply be the Lord guiding you in a different direction, or it could very well be that something is amiss.

Edited by cmariadiaz, 26 April 2012 - 06:12 PM.

[maximillion]

I agree with other who have posted, and I would add that it is natural for us, as humans, to compare, contrast and to be confused!


Everyone experiences what seem like opposing ideas, notions or thoughts, and it is perfectly possible to hold two apparently contradictory notions at the same time. I want marriage and I want to be single and I want to be a religious. Oh gosh....which is it?
In this time we are constantly being told we can 'have it all'. Hardly surprising that you feel some degree of confusion - which is nothing to be guilty about.
This is what discernment is, in part. It is holding those opposing notions and slowly discovering, through careful listening, to our own gut inspiration, the Holy Spirit and our natural joy in situations, which of these ideas does resonate, really resonate. Resonate to the point where we cannot walk away...........
This is a process.
Be re-assured, you are engaged with this process in a real way otherwise you would not be having these thoughts.

[Annie12]

Is there only one Community where God could be calling me to? Should I expand my horizons instead of only looking at one community?

[PadrePioOfPietrelcino]

It seems to me that discernment is about the differences between good choices...first married or single...then single and secular or religious (add priesthood for men)...then what order...If we have both attraction and gifts for married life AND religious/priesthood then it seem logical that their may be multiple orders/diocese that we may feel drawn towards. I know for me early in my seminary discernment I was looking at a couple of different diocese. I made sure they both knew that they were not the only one I was looking at and they seemed encouraged by that fact. However when it comes to APPLYING we should have reached a solid decision and apply only to one. Otherwise it may serve as a sign that our discernment has not been completed and all may reject us.

[mantellata]

I would "expand your horizons" just to get a sense of what "fits" best. Not that you should go looking all over creation - you don't want to get stuck in the perpetual boat of discernment -- looking for that "perfect" community -- but that doesn't strike me as you. I know I visited a couple communities. The one I entered -- and the place that ultimately is leading me to where I am headed next -- just seemed like family. My worry initially (unfounded) was that I wouldn't be able to sacrifice enough because everything was just too joyful, too prayerful, too amazing.It was the right place to be.

[cmariadiaz]

Is there only one Community where God could be calling me to? Should I expand my horizons instead of only looking at one community?

If you are being called to religious life, then there is a community that will both fulfill your vocation, be wtihin God's will, and sanctify you. In addition, it will bring you happiness, peace, and life, because the Lord will not call you to something that is not life giving.

Now what that community is? Gosh wouldn't it be wonderful if some day the Lord mailed you a letter that said "Annie12 -- I am calling you to XYZ community. Get ready to enter -- I want you there on such-and-such-a date."

It doesn't work that way.

As mantellata suggested -- expand your horizons. Be open to discover where the Lord wants you, and to discover where you will be fulfilled. Unless you have a strong sense of calling to one community, I would look around. And pray -- prayer makes you more sensitive to the Spirit's guiding. It will help you discern your vocation, and if it is to religious life, the where.

[Theresita Nerita]

I can't understand my own heart sometimes. With religious life, I am scared to be leaving everything behind. With Marriage I am afraid ... well... pretty much everything and with single life I am afraid of guilt that may be because of not following God's path for my life. I have 4 years of College to discern but right now I am terrified of slipping up. I don't want to hurt anyone and mostly God. I have already promised him that I would follow him in religious life and If he really IS calling me there and I don't I would feel guilty for the rest of my life. I feel like this has become a huge burden in my life. I wish I wasn't so obsessed with finding my vocation. I wish it could just happen.

I totally went through this same thing, Annie!

My advice would be,

1) Don't live in the future. Live in the present and trust God to provide for your future. Being a "lily of the field" doesn't just apply to food and clothing - I think it applies to all worries about the future.

and

2) When it comes time to make a decision, the question isn't "which makes me less fearful?" but "which makes me MOST joyful?" Because all life paths have suffering in them. It's not like if you follow God's will nothing bad will happen to you. Pain and sadness will still happen - even if it's not unexpected things but universal things like the deaths of loved ones, and yourself getting old and breaking bones and dying eventually. So it's not about which vocation doesn't scare you - it's about which vocation makes you most joyful! You might as well have some joy along the journey as well, right!

Also I truly believe that if you throw yourself into God's arms he'll never abandon you or neglect to lead you where he wants you to go. You just might not see it until afterward.

Prayers!

Edited by Theresita Nerita, 30 April 2012 - 12:32 PM.

[Annie12]

DO I have wrong motivations if I think single life sounds appealing? Am I running from the vocation of religious life I think I have? and by the way, what happens if someone knowingly chooses their will over God's? Is there a consequence for that?

[ACS67]

I would say Annie that when a person chooses their will over God's will they are at best settling for a life of unhappiness.

Edited by ACS67, 30 April 2012 - 02:43 PM.