72 replies to this topic

[Spem in alium]

I am currently thinking deeply about my vocation and discernment. I have come to the conclusion that if I were called to marriage, I would not want to be intimate (nothing really extending beyond hand-holding) with my future husband (or any guys I date) until after marriage. For several reasons, I want to save intimacy for marriage if that is where I am called.

I expressed my view to a close friend recently, and she argued that such an idea couldn't possibly work, that I was living in a kind of fantasy and that I'd have a hard time finding a guy who'd want to hold back on intimacy.

Do you think what my friend said is right? Is what I desire impossible to achieve?

[EmilyAnn]

It's not impossible at all. What you have decided is what we as Catholics should do in our dating relationships. Your friend has fallen into the sad traps of the world.

[Spem in alium]

It's not impossible at all. What you have decided is what we as Catholics should do in our dating relationships. Your friend has fallen into the sad traps of the world.

Thank you for your rearseurance. It took me a very long time to settle on this. I've been attracted to guys before, but have had next to no experience with romance. While that has had a few negative consequences, in a way it's helped me to form a better idea of what I want from a relationship, should one eventuate. Basically, I just want to give myself and my life to God in the deepest way I can; whether that be as a religious, a married or a single person. I don't see how I can achieve that while being intimate outside of marriage.

My friend is Catholic, and I do feel like her view is shared by many, many people. To me it's unfortunate. There is too much emphasis placed on physical appearance and intimacy and not enough placed on personality and the nature of a person's heart.

[Byzantine]

I am currently thinking deeply about my vocation and discernment. I have come to the conclusion that if I were called to marriage, I would not want to be intimate (nothing really extending beyond hand-holding) with my future husband (or any guys I date) until after marriage. For several reasons, I want to save intimacy for marriage if that is where I am called.

I expressed my view to a close friend recently, and she argued that such an idea couldn't possibly work, that I was living in a kind of fantasy and that I'd have a hard time finding a guy who'd want to hold back on intimacy.

Do you think what my friend said is right? Is what I desire impossible to achieve?

No. Interestingly enough, your post confirms for me that there are girls out there who fit this description. So yay! we have mutual rearseurance.

Edited by Byzantine, 27 June 2012 - 04:40 AM.

[Spem in alium]

No. Interestingly enough, your post confirms for me that there are girls out there who fit this description. So yay! we have mutual rearseurance.

It's great to know there are actually guys out there who want the same thing. Intimacy seems to be a big requirement for most males I know.

[Papist]

Yes. Your friend is correct....but that is unfortunate. And Yes, you can achieve what you describe. I think is great and encourage you to follow it. And when you do meet that man that respects and honors you in this regard, you two will have a bond that no pre-marital intimacy can match. And you marriage with be much better b/c for it.


God bless you!

Edited by Papist, 27 June 2012 - 05:33 AM.

[Hubertus]

Premarital sex is condemned not only by the Church but also in the Bible, so you're doing the right thing. Settling for premarital sex, just because all guys seem to want it, is putting an earthly relationship above the soul's salvation.

It's definitely possible to find guys who have the right thing in mind - you just have to look in the right places, like church groups and your Catholic circle, rather than bars and boozin' parties.

[timwho]

This is a common view among evangelical protestants, indeed many of my friends adhere to such a view so I can firmly say that it is indeed possible to achieve. I'm also biased towards saying that what you're thinking of is right, but don't take that from me xD

[beatitude]

Pray for your friend. She has got a very economic way of looking at relationships. In reality, no one has a right to expect sex from their partner - it's not a currency that you use to buy them with. Thinking this way is certainly not just a male problem.

I had a relationship with a non-Catholic guy, before I realized that marriage definitely isn't for me, and while he didn't like my refusal to have sex, he accepted it and respected it. He was supportive of my faith (and now, two years after we broke up, he's considering becoming Catholic himself!). So it is possible, even with a non-Catholic partner.

[nunsense]

Maybe you need to get a copy of this pamphlet and let your friend read it. It is called What! No Sex? and it is written by a Carmelite nun but it is about no sex before marriage as well as no sex for religious. She goes into the sacrament of marriae quite nicely I think and explains about God's relationship with us in a spousal way through His Church and why intimate relations should only within the sacrament of marriage.

Here is the link to the thread about it.
http://www.phatmass....28-what-no-sex/

An you can request a copy from Wolverhampton Carmel - it is free, but they might ask for postage.

[CatholicCid]

If a guy doesn't think you're worth waiting for, then he isn't worth your time.

[Brother Adam]

Find your spouse on phatmarse. As long as their name doesn't start with the letter "Hasan", you are good to go.

[maximillion]

It is not SO long ago that waiting was entirely the norm......

When I was six or seven years old no one lived together un wed, no one who thought anything of their self respect 'did it', and if they did they were pretty much condemned. Not that I agree with the condemnation, but, if this was standard practice (waiting) within my memory then there is nothing so unusual about it.
And it wasn't just Catholics, it was more or less everyone.

[CatherineM]

One thing that I found is that when sex is off the table, you are forced to actually talk to each other. Mostly about things that actually matter.

[Spem in alium]

Yes. Your friend is correct....but that is unfortunate. And Yes, you can achieve what you describe. I think is great and encourage you to follow it. And when you do meet that man that respects and honors you in this regard, you two will have a bond that no pre-marital intimacy can match. And you marriage with be much better b/c for it.


God bless you!

Thank you. I can see how what she says could be considered true; that guys just don't want to wait for that long. Maybe that's just generalising. I know a few guys who value intimacy and sex as things occurring only within marriage, but they are not the norm.

Premarital sex is condemned not only by the Church but also in the Bible, so you're doing the right thing. Settling for premarital sex, just because all guys seem to want it, is putting an earthly relationship above the soul's salvation.

It's definitely possible to find guys who have the right thing in mind - you just have to look in the right places, like church groups and your Catholic circle, rather than bars and boozin' parties.

Thanks Hubertus. I've been against premarital sex for some time, but only recently decided that I wanted to forgo intimacy. I'm not sure how many people I know would be of the same mind and hold the same limitations for themselves. But church groups and Catholic circles seem to be a good way of finding out

[Spem in alium]

This is a common view among evangelical protestants, indeed many of my friends adhere to such a view so I can firmly say that it is indeed possible to achieve. I'm also biased towards saying that what you're thinking of is right, but don't take that from me xD

Haha, ok. Thanks

Pray for your friend. She has got a very economic way of looking at relationships. In reality, no one has a right to expect sex from their partner - it's not a currency that you use to buy them with. Thinking this way is certainly not just a male problem.

I had a relationship with a non-Catholic guy, before I realized that marriage definitely isn't for me, and while he didn't like my refusal to have sex, he accepted it and respected it. He was supportive of my faith (and now, two years after we broke up, he's considering becoming Catholic himself!). So it is possible, even with a non-Catholic partner.

Thank you. I see your point. Sometimes I do think it will be hard to find someone who would be fine with not kissing. I think there can be so much more to relationships than that, but very few people seem to realise it.

[Spem in alium]

Maybe you need to get a copy of this pamphlet and let your friend read it. It is called What! No Sex? and it is written by a Carmelite nun but it is about no sex before marriage as well as no sex for religious. She goes into the sacrament of marriae quite nicely I think and explains about God's relationship with us in a spousal way through His Church and why intimate relations should only within the sacrament of marriage.

Here is the link to the thread about it.
http://www.phatmass....28-what-no-sex/

An you can request a copy from Wolverhampton Carmel - it is free, but they might ask for postage.

Thanks! It looks like a good read, I'll try and get a copy.

If a guy doesn't think you're worth waiting for, then he isn't worth your time.

Thank you

Find your spouse on phatmarse. As long as their name doesn't start with the letter "Hasan", you are good to go.

...

[HisChildForever]

If you find a man who has these same ideals (and a man who you are very compatible with) then yes it will work.

But in my opinion, it's healthy for a relationship to have a proper amount of intimacy.

[Lil Red]

Perhaps spem should clarify what she means by "intimacy"?

[Spem in alium]

It is not SO long ago that waiting was entirely the norm......

When I was six or seven years old no one lived together un wed, no one who thought anything of their self respect 'did it', and if they did they were pretty much condemned. Not that I agree with the condemnation, but, if this was standard practice (waiting) within my memory then there is nothing so unusual about it.
And it wasn't just Catholics, it was more or less everyone.

I would like to wait until marriage to do those things. A few of my friends have had premarital sex and have acted like it's something so great, something that everyone should be doing. I don't see much logic there. Waiting just seems so much more enriching for a person to be doing.

One thing that I found is that when sex is off the table, you are forced to actually talk to each other. Mostly about things that actually matter.

Exactly! It allows you to know them intellectually and personally rather than just physically. And I think personality and connection matter a whole lot more in the end than sexuality. Beauty and physical attractiveness fades. Comparseion, humour, a caring soul...they last a whole lot longer.