31 replies to this topic

[Fire*Starter]

I'm a regular phatmasser but I needed some anonimity to deal with this.

Last month June 10, a good friend of mine killed herself.
she was almost 24...I'm 26
Quick answers
-no, she wasnt particularly depressed
-no, I'm not going to "do it" too
-no, she didnt leave a note
-no, I cant know what she was thinking but I do know alot
-why? because years ago we went through something together so we talked
-then why? She missed her dad. He died in an "accident" when she was almost 13. She saw him as security. His absense (before and after his death) lead to her being abused and feeling insanely guilty over a situation out of her hands.

We were close as two cross country friends could be when one is dirt poor and the other is an adventure seeking vagabon.

I have alot of wishes. I wish I could of seen her. I wished i could of talked to her more about the bb gun that "accidentally" fired through her thigh two years ago. I wish i could of gotten her to visit me. I wish God fixed her life.

I'm just sad and i need comfort.

[homeschoolmom]

I'm so sorry.

[Fire*Starter]

Thanks hsm.

A month later im still struggling terribly. I cry almost every day when some small thing reminds me of her...and im not a crying type.

Im stuck in the new-job no insurance conundrum...priest was no help and a counceller who did me a favor and talked to me told me i was normal. Sadness would pass. But it hasnt.

Somehow...its so much worse that she killed herself...than any other death. Even my uncle's 4 month battle with pancreactic cancer (ok one day, dying the next) or my other uncle's brother dying in a car wreck.

[Ed Normile]

Remember, Jesus promised us " Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted "

You live avross the country from her family, I assume her mother is still alive. Why not set down and write all the good things about your friend, include the good times you had together, the adventures and misadventures you had together and the ways you will miss her and the reasons she will never be truly gone from your life and get a stamp and send it to her mother. It would be uplifting to you keeping her memory alive and probably very welcomed by her mother.

ed

[Fire*Starter]

Her mom (and her sister) and I are FB friends. I gave her my phone #...and weve talked.

Yet i always end up feeling worse because her mom tells me stuff...what I did for my friend...that i never realized. Like I taught her how to sew...and she made almost all her clothes from then on. I never knew it because my friend never mentioned it. But she had told her mom.

Feeling insignfigant in my friends life was ok by me. But the more I learn the more I feel rotter.

[cmotherofpirl]

Chronological time means nothing to the heart, so one month is not a long time to grieve for someone very important to you. Be gentle with yourself. God understands your pain. You can never know what went through your friend as she made this decision, entrust her to the loving mercy to God.

[BarbaraTherese]

Suicide can be terribly hard on those who remain - terribly hard indeed and moreso than any other kind of departure from this life. And do know that the Loving Mercy of The Lord is far more than we could ever imagine. It is infinite, and without beginning nor end. He both understands with Love and Compassion your friend's reasons and state of mind at the time - and your own lingering grief and pain.
Kept in prayer.

[Tab'le Du'Bah-Rye]

the cataechism of the holy roman catholic church uses the main example of fear of hardship as the reason for suicide. Your country supposedly is in economic collapse. Money is not GOD. Never loose hope be perfect like the father is perfect because he is always hope ing for each and everyone of us, despair is our enemy.

[Fire*Starter]

Chronological time means nothing to the heart, so one month is not a long time to grieve for someone very important to you. Be gentle with yourself. God understands your pain. You can never know what went through your friend as she made this decision, entrust her to the loving mercy to God.

I'm trying. I've started a new, much desired job. Yet I find it hard to manage being social. No, I dont know what she went through but having shared some deep times including her telling me why she would years ago. And me adding my own bit in. Yeah. Pathetic.

I feel like I grew up and she didnt.

[Fire*Starter]

Suicide can be terribly hard on those who remain - terribly hard indeed and moreso than any other kind of departure from this life. And do know that the Loving Mercy of The Lord is far more than we could ever imagine. It is infinite, and without beginning nor end. He both understands with Love and Compassion your friend's reasons and state of mind at the time - and your own lingering grief and pain.
Kept in prayer.

thanks. I would just like to enjoy the nice things in my life and I feel I just cant.

[Fire*Starter]

the cataechism of the holy roman catholic church uses the main example of fear of hardship as the reason for suicide. Your country supposedly is in economic collapse. Money is not GOD. Never loose hope be perfect like the father is perfect because he is always hope ing for each and everyone of us, despair is our enemy.

while she was the vagabon she was a trust fund baby she was always pretty smart about her money because she knew it came from her dad and wanted him to be proud of what she spent it on.

I'm the poor one who's spent the last 4 years in a full-time salary job forced to work 50-60 hrs living under the poverty line if you minus out my student loans. My new job helps considerably. Normal 40 hr week and better pay. Needless to say cross country airline tickets were (and still are) out of my grasp.

Americas "economic colapse" is a misnomer. While a few good people have lost jobs its mostly in Americas heads. There are so many jobs Americans just dont want to do (like lower paid ones) and that they cant do (like engeneering). Hiring is a nightmare. Little 18yo fresh out of hs expect $10 an hour. College students scoff at $15, even for a first job! In my new job 500 people applied....but only 25 were remotly qualified....and all thats needed is good customer skills and a bachelors!!!!

[BarbaraTherese]

thanks. I would just like to enjoy the nice things in my life and I feel I just cant.

Probably your grieving is preventing you enjoing the good things your your life and a completely normal component of grief very often. Prayer that your grief will soon be resolved and the good in your life come into the fore. While the memory of your friend will always return from time to time.

[Papist]

Very sad. I would not beat my brain thinking why. But pray for her soul and trust in God's mercy. I suggest you go talk to a priest. God bless you.

[BarbaraTherese]

Grave fear of hardship is one reason only mentioned by the CCC as a potential reason for suicide and one of the reasons only for potential diminished responsibility. There is no mortal sin possible if responsibility is diminished.
2282 ......................."................Grave psychological disturbances, anguish, or grave fear of hardship, suffering, or torture can diminish the responsibility of the one committing suicide."

[cmotherofpirl]

I'm trying. I've started a new, much desired job. Yet I find it hard to manage being social. No, I dont know what she went through but having shared some deep times including her telling me why she would years ago. And me adding my own bit in. Yeah. Pathetic.

I feel like I grew up and she didnt.

Not pathetic. Normal. You last line is the most important. We have enough guilt for things we do wrong, take this one of your list.

[Annie12]

Fr. Mitch Pacwa wrote a book and in the book he describes how his best friend was gunned down by drug dealers. I'm not sure if I can say much to help you because You are facing a much bigger trial than I have ever had to deal with. But, Fr. Mitch was saying how he was trying to find out why his friend died but he lived. He came to the conclusion after a few years of trying to figure it out, that it is a mystery that he will only find out when he dies. It must be so hard for you to go through something like this and my condolences go out to you and your friend's family. I'll pray for you and your friend's soul. Trust that God is in charge and that he knows what he is doing. We as humans are to small and weak to know what God is up to. If you get really sad, reach out to God. Don't worry; God is with you! God bless!

[BG45]

Prayers...I can't imagine what it's like, but you have them for what they're worth.

[AnneLine]

Fire*Starter, I've not been on Phatmass too much last week or two because my MIL is ill and I have been away from a computer much of the time. I do try to read the posts as often as I can, and I saw this and I have been praying for you and for your friend.

You've probably seen that I've done a lot of grief counseling, and I will agree with what has been said to you. One of the hardest kinds of death to deal with is a suicide, because it's normal to think wow, I could have done something... I wish I could have helped.... Why? But those thoughts aren't really helpful. I like what someone said that Fr. Mitch noted--it's a mystery we won't understand. It sounds like you tried to be there for her to the extent she let you a few years back.... and you don't have enough pieces to know why not this time. She knew you loved her.... and you still love her or you wouldn't be hurting so much now. That love is powerful before the throne of God.

As the others have noted, I doubt she was totally responsible for her actions, and I know your prayers for her will be valuable. If it hurts too much for you to pray for her right now, ask others to pray for her .... I certainly will keep praying for all of you.

It's really common for people who are grieving to hurt MORE a few months after somoene has died... and while it will get better, it will take some time. It's ok to be angry and sad, and frustrated and confused and all the other emotions you discussed. But being normal doesn't make it hurt less.... it just means that feeling those feelings is the common lot of survivors, and it truly is nasty to have to do through it. But if you work through it, it does get better. You'll always miss her and wish it hadn't happened, but the acute burning will lessen in time.... but it will take a while.

You might want to see if there is any sort of a support group for people who have experienced a sudden death or a suicide near you. If you don't want a 'talk' group, sometimes there are art groups, or other kinds of workshops that can help you work through your pain.

Holding you & your friend in my heart....

[Mark of the Cross]

And seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain, and when he was set down, his disciples came unto him. [2] And opening his mouth, he taught them, saying: [3] Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

May your friend find the Kingdom of heaven.

Your desire to be anonymous is your free choice, but your love and compassion for your friend is a credit to you and what marks who you are..

[Archaeology cat]

Wll the raw feeling pass? Eventually. Will the sadness pass? I don't know that it ever completely passes. My dad's cousin, whom I loved dearly, committed suicide when I was young, and it still hurts at times. A childhood friend died unexpectedly a couple of years ago, and I am sad whenever I think of her. I am sure that would be amplified had she committed suicide, as a suicide just leaves a rawer wound, I think. You are normal in how you feel. May God be with you, and I pray for the repose of her soul.