Annie12 Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 Please offer me some advice on this matter: As you may know, I am in love with Jesus (and therefore am discerning a religious vocation) but on the other hand I'm missing a wonderful young man I knew last semester who is in another country. From your experience is missing someone of the opposite sex, appropriate while discerning or does it point to a different vocation? I love God no less because of this but this young man has also a place in my heart. And, now I don't know if I should write him as a friend because of my discernment! Basically I need advice on this matter. I know phatmass doesn't have all the answers but maybe you could offer me some advice as a loving friend would offer to someone they care about. Thank you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyAnn Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 This is not necessarily advice, but I wanted to give you my own story. I discerned a religious vocation for about a year. I went on a live-in with a community and was set to make another visit and apply for entrance. I loved the community, I love the life. But as time went on after I left I became increasingly uneasy at the thought of entering. Before my live-in I felt greatly conflicted because of my feelings towards a friend of mine. Realising I was not called to religious life was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But when I offered all my desires to God I realised that I felt more at peace when I thought of not going back to the abbey. And that friend of mine is now my boyfriend. The thing that was important for me was to realise that my love for Christ is not lessened by my love for my boyfriend. In loving others we share in the love we have for Christ and the love that He has for us. I still go to Adoration and gaze at Jesus with the same love and devotion that I had in the abbey. I do not love Christ any less. In a way my relationship with Him is deeper because I know I am doing His will. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie12 Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 (edited) That is so wonderful! I'm just wondering if my case is different. I've been discerning now for 4 years and I am all set to talk with a sister on Tuesday. I feel guilty thinking I'm not called to religious life but I feel happier thinking of having a boyfriend. Gosh! Why does it have to be so difficult! I feel called to religious life. I really do. But, I don't feel like it will bring me happiness. Is this me getting cold feet of is it something more? Edited February 17, 2013 by Annie12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyAnn Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Honestly, those aren't questions I can answer for you. Speaking for myself, I truly believe that God called me to discern the religious life. And when I was struggling I did feel called. But it was difficult to subtract my own desires from what I felt was God's will. I had to offer my desires to God before I could see what was His will - both my desires for marriage and for religious life. Go to Adoration and place your desires in His hands. It takes a while sometimes, but just keep going. He will give you peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pax_et bonum Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I haven't had any experience in this, but you need to realize that liking a boy/having a boyfriend isn't cheating on Jesus even if in the end you are called to religious life. You shouldn't feel guilty thinking you aren't called to religious life. If you have a deep inner joy thinking about being married, that's where you're called, but that's different from feeling giddy over having a boyfriend--I'm not speculating on which one you feel. He's away right now, so you don't have to worry about dating your friend. Take this time to pray and earnestly listen to what God is telling you. God won't necessarily tell you which vocation He's calling you to, but He will always guide you in the right path. If you want to write him as a friend, then do it. I write to my friend who's away doing his novitiate year; it doesn't mean I'm anything more than a friend ;) I've seen this pop up here and there on the internet. Maybe you've seen it too: “Run as fast as you can towards God, and if someone keeps up, introduce yourself.†Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sister Marie Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I agree with all the advice above but I want to add as well that in our generation we often think we can find the answers by looking it up (I think this all the time so forgive me if I'm wrong that others do this as well!) when, in reality, the answers are always found within ourselves and our union with God. I loved EmilyAnn's post because it showed one way that God speaks through this particular situation but I also wanted to add my own. Before I entered the convent I dated a man who I truly could have seen myself spending the rest of my life with. Through discernment, prayer, and a series of other happenings I realized that I really was called to religious life and that realization brought me great joy. Did it take away my feelings for the man I was seeing? No. It certainly purified them though and I can still say that I consider him to be a friend all this time later. It was all part of God's plan for me and I am very grateful for it. The moral of the story is that none of us can tell you what God is saying to you through this. Whatever God is saying to you is a gift to help you grow in love with him in whatever state of life you are called to. EmilyAnn did the right thing by following God's call for her. I did the right thing by following God's call to me. Prayers for your discernment! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlesister Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Sr. Marie's story is just about exactly like mine. I had to enter and find out, or I knew I would question the decision not to for the rest of my life. It was not an easy time, but it turned out the way it was meant to. Christ will see you through. Prayers for your discernment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maximillion Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 You commit yourself to nothing either way by writing letters or having friendships - so long as you don't engage another's affection when you have no intention of being able to return it! I think the advice to place ALL your desire's in His Hand is good and sound. Let Him have it all, and you surely won't go wrong either way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chiara Francesco Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 (edited) What I have read so much and heard so much from very good priests (Fr. Groeschel, Fr. Trigilio, Fr. Baron, good local priests, etc) and Mother Abbesses/Prioresses is to NOT be in a relationship with a boy while you are discerning. Give God your 100% and more attention - whether it leads to entering a community or not to know if you have a vocation but do NOT have a boyfriend. They ALL spoke strongly on this point! You can have plenty of time to date, etc when you find out a religious vocation is not for you. To have a boyfriend at the same time is not fair to him and ESPECIALLY God! Neither one has your complete attention. Plus if you DID have a religious vocation, having a boyfriend good lead you away from it by his ideas, suggestions, influence, etc. "Date" God as long as you need to until you find out if you have a vocation or not. If this boy is a good friend and worthy of you, he will understand and give you all the time, space and absence from him you will need to discover if you are to be a Bride of Christ or not. Also, perhaps if you are not willing or feel right about putting the boy(s) aside for an indeterminate amount of time, maybe you DON'T have a vocation. Just a thought. Perhaps this will help you discern to see how serious you are. Having friends that ARE friends and not boy/girl serious "friends" - as in he is pressing you or something - is fine. But leave the serious boyfriend part aside until you truly know if you are to give your heart and your ALL to God as a nun or sister and you can't know that if you are being pulled in two different directions! Heck, trying to decide between two different ORDERS is hard enough, never mind a religious vocation vs a boyfriend/marriage dilemma! Edited February 18, 2013 by Chiara Francesco Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sister Marie Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 I just wanted to clarify that it seemed to me from Annie's original post that her concern wasn't about dating while discerning but about whether or not it was alright to have feelings for someone while discerning. These are two very different things. There is never anything wrong with accepting our feelings for others and no feelings are bad or inappropriate when discerning a vocation. In fact, looking at our feelings is an essential part of discernment. Being a religious doesn't mean that feelings for the opposite sex cease to exist either. As an apostolic sister I have to work with men all the time and sometimes that means recognizing an attraction to someone and dealing with it appropriately. I can't just stop talking to someone because I might be attracted to them. I wasn't seriously discerning when I began dating the man I spoke about in my post. I was open to God's will in a very vague way but I wasn't really looking around or serious about it-and I wasn't ready to be! It was in God's plan for me that I met and got to know that man and God worked very powerfully through him to speak to me about my vocation. As I said earlier, he is still a good friend of mine. Once I realized where God was calling me the relationship ended. However, had God not wanted me to be a sister, the story would have had a very different ending like EmilyAnn's story. While I completely agree that you shouldn't be dating while discerning to "get it out of your system" (as I've heard some people say) or because you aren't taking discernment seriously, I just wanted to make a distinction between feelings and dating. Its also important to realize that most often discernment is played out in the gray areas of life - not in black and white. While it is good advice to choose to discern and leave dating go until one has committed one way or another, it doesn't always happen like that because we have messy human lives. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FutureCarmeliteClaire Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 I echo the "Have friends!" Grow in your faith, pray, you know, and God will do the rest. Allow God the time to show you what His Will is for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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