Am I possessed?

[penitentmary]

I am disgusted by prayer, going to church makes me want to throw up. I feel sick all the time: headaches, dizziness, shaky hands. I have been addicted to masturbation for many many years and have never been able to stop, despite the fact that I've tried every means possible : rosary, mortification, confession, lots and lots of prayers. I constantly have impure thoughts, some of which are very, very inappropriate. I am often tempted to ask the devil to help me get more pleasure, and I try to resist asking him but I sort of can't, there's a voice in my head that asks him for me. I'm often tempted to sell my body (prostitution/pornography). I suffer from an illness that normally should significantly lowermy libido (not a mental illness). It doesn't lower it, AT ALL. I have dreamt that I was possessed, that I was not ''myself'' anymore. That a demon was talking through me. I have also heard noises in my bedroom, like mice walking around my bed eating plastic bags. And sometimes at night I feel like a black blanket is thrown over me, and it gets darker and darker. I'm so scared. I feel nothing for God. I WANT to love him so much, but I can't!

I really don't know what to do anymore.. I have been seeking a spiritual director for years but every priest I meet is too busy.

Edited June 18, 2015 by penitentmary

[Nihil Obstat]

You must find a priest immediately and ask for his advice and guidance. We cannot answer these questions online without truly knowing you. If what you describe is accurate, your priest may consider an exorcism to be an appropriate next step with the authorization of his bishop. That will be a long and difficult road filled with the necessity to pray and fast and receive the sacraments. 

Do whatever you must do to find a priest who can help you. Spiritual direction aside, you need help now for an immediate problem (that being your question of possible demonic influence). I do not think there are any other options. Find a priest.

[CatherineM]

Some of the things you are describing are common for those who have the beginnings of a serious mental illness.  My husband had very similar feelings before he had his first psychotic break from schizophrenia.  I would also highly recommend that you see a doctor, and tell them everything you've told us.

[MarysLittleFlower]

Dear PenitentMary, I second the advice to really speak with a priest. If a priest has no time could you aak him to recommend a priest? Does your diocese have an exorcist priest? No one here would be able to truly answer your question. However, we can pray for you. You are going through such a big trial. Some people get obsessed by the devil which is different from possessed. They can get extremely tempted to very gravely sinful thoughts beyond the usual. They may get externally attacked as well. An exorcist would be able to tell if it could be that, possession or something with a natural cause. If these things only happen regarding what is holy it could be an attack but its not for me to determine.

The only other thing I wanted to say to you is that even if it seems God is absent, He is not. Everything even the most difficult trials are permitted by Him and His response in that evil situation, is the good thing that will triumph and it won't be wasted. But you need to see a priest and not be afraid. The enemy likes to pretend he is winning. But Jesus is God and He is stronger.

Remember that *sin is in the will*. Even if you hear what seems to be the devil screaming impurities and other terrible things in your head - you are not sinning if you don't consent or willfully consider them. If you have done this in the past, confess and go on. This is a cross for you. Don't give up in fighting any temptations and the addiction. Jesus has only love for you.. Stay close to Him and to the Blessed Mother. Think of the Cross because it means that He will never abandon you. Remember also the name of Jesus is powerful. It is very hard to ignore all the noise but try to just turn from it and say His Name and a prayer like "Jesus and Mary i commend my soul to you". Pray to your Guardian Angel to help you find a good priest, I will pray too. God bless you

Edited July 8, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower