Teenage Brother Refuses to Sleep in His Bed

[tinytherese]

My brother is 13 and will turn 14 in December. I don't think that he's slept in his bed consistently since he was 8. He decided to sleep with mom in her's. My dad would sleep on the couch or in my brother's bed. (He's an extremely light sleeper who rarely slept in bed with mom even before this happened because of how sensitive he is to noise.) 

At 13, my brother decided to either sleep on the couch or with me in my bed. I'm 26 and live with my parents. The only job that I've been able to get is part-time and I still haven't figured out what to go back to school for. 

Now, my brother will try to sleep on the couch and then get into my bed within the hour. We keep asking him why he won't sleep in his own bed by himself. He says that his mattress isn't comfortable. We've asked if we got him a better one if he'd use it. He said no and refuses to tell us why. 

My parents don't do anything about his sleeping habits apart from complain about him, so I'm the one who's stuck with this problem.

I've researched why he is doing this and all I can find is that it's a coping mechanism for children who have lived through a natural disaster. There hasn't been one where we live, nor at the time frame that he started doing this. 

He's way too old for this to say the least and I don't want to live like this. I have to go to bed earlier than necessary to accomodate him so that he'll have enough sleep so he can wake up before school. He squirms around and I have to keep moving him so that I actually have room to lie down. He can't keep his knees to himself. 

[Lilllabettt]

It's a comfort ritual.

People use them in response to anxiety - whether to deal with serious trauma or cope with every day stress.

 

[veritasluxmea]

I clicked on this thread thinking I'd have nothing to say, just checking it out- but actually I do. When I was around 10-17 I had what I call "sleep anxiety." I couldn't sleep alone. I couldn't sleep when it was quiet. I couldn't sleep if there was even the smallest light in the room (I put duct tape around the cracks in the door to keep light from coming in, seriously). I slept on the floor of my parent's room as often as I could. During the day I felt fine, but for a few years whenever it started to get dark, I started to feel what I now realize was anxiety. I felt tense in my stomach, unhappy, and a sense of impending doom. Especially if I was in an unfamiliar environment, like summer camp or a friend's house for a sleepover. I would worry about nighttime. Wherever I was- I absolutely had to sleep in the same bed with someone, and/or have a fan running in the background. Once I summer camp I slept in the same bunk with a counselor. Every night, for years, I ran a fan in the bedroom whenever I slept. I was pretty obedient and easy-going growing up and never experienced any real traumas, but I absolutely put the foot down when it same to my sleeping arrangements. My parents never did anything about it, just let me do whatever made me feel comfortable, and eventually I grew out of it by the time I was a junior/senior in high school. (Now I can sleep anywhere, and alone, with lights or a bit of noise.) I don't know why it happened and I don't know why I grew out of it so easily- one of life's mysteries. 

Two suggestions: 

1) Sleep in same bedroom but separate beds. Start with them pushed next to each other and each night push them an inch away until you're on separate sides of the room, desensitizing him to space between him and another person.

2) White noise in background, like a window fan. Things like rushing water or nature sounds were to arousing, only a back and fourth blade fan worked for me. Dyson fans are to quiet, something a little more noisy. Can probably find a good one in a thrift shop. 

I would do both things at once, and gradually move the bed away from you until he's the other side of the room, and then see if he can handle just him and the fan. I don't know if he'll cooperate with you (just the thought of having to sleep alone might make him feel anxious, and he might pitch a fit. I couldn't handle even the thought of being alone at night) but maybe you can be sneaky about it. 

[Anomaly]

V-lux has a great plan.  He's too old to sleep in same bed, but that is a good transition plan.   I would agree it's an anxiety problem, with no specific reason.  From your posts over the years, I have the impression he lacks a well structured environment relative to his personality and unique needs.  V's plan might be a great accomodation plan. 

[KnightofChrist]

V-lux's plan is good but it may not work. It make take doing something you don't want to do, it may take a little bit of tough love, you may just have to be blunt. You may just have to tell him you love him very much, that he means very much to you, but that he is too old to lay in the same bed with you now and you will not allow it anymore. And if you have to you'll lock or block your bedroom door so he cannot slip in during the night. He's 13 so in many ways he's still a little kid, but in many ways he isn't. Even baby bird's will get nudged out of the nest if they stay too long. That may lead to some drama, but that may be what needs to be done. This is all assuming that he doesn't have some unknown pinned up trauma that's causing this issue. 

Another thing you could do is after he falls asleep you could just get up and go sleep on the bed he should sleep on. If he gets up and lays in his bed and sleeps then you know he's got no real problem laying in his own dang bed. In which case I would just lock the door at night. That may make you feel bad, it would make me feel bad, but you may just have to take a strong stance. Also, I would talk with your father about this let him understand it cannot continue and that he needs to help you resolve it.

 

[TheresaThoma]

I would definitely try v-lux's suggestions first. Very practical and not completely tough love. 

There may also be a medical reason why he is uncomfortable sleeping alone such as an anxiety disorder. It might be worth bringing it up to your parents to talk with his regular doctor about.

So I would try to rule out other things but if all else fails it might just take some tough love. Such as locking or blocking your door so he can't get into your room.

[OnlySunshine]

I used to sleep in my mom's room when I was diagnosed with severe panic attacks, depression, and PTSD at age 16.  I couldn't sleep by myself because I was afraid of the dark.  I became anxious after a friend of mine passed away in a tragic car accident and thought I saw him in the hall at night when I kept my bedroom door open.  My mom used to have to comfort me just so I could sleep even a little bit during the night because I had severe insomnia, as well.

Has he ever been treated for anxiety disorder?

[hotpink]

Seek medical help, not only for help in potential anxiety/depression situations because this can also be the behavior of a child who's been sexually abused.  Since it did have a window when it appeared I'd be inclined to think that, rather than a naturally nervous or anxious child.  At 8 he'd be a little too young to be receiving the kind of hormones that engage during puberty that would cause emotional changes.

You also may want to have him try a wrap-around body pillow or a weighted vest....I know for some anxiety and sensory kids that makes a difference.

[hotpink]

Seek medical help, not only for help in potential anxiety/depression situations because this can also be the behavior of a child who's been sexually abused.  Since it did have a window when it appeared I'd be inclined to think that, rather than a naturally nervous or anxious child.  At 8 he'd be a little too young to be receiving the kind of hormones that engage during puberty that would cause emotional changes.

You also may want to have him try a wrap-around body pillow or a weighted vest....I know for some anxiety and sensory kids that makes a difference.

[tinytherese]

Thank you. I'll see if he can get in to see a doctor. He's very shy and mumbles around adults he doesn't know. Any tips on getting him to open up?

[Basilisa Marie]

Thank you. I'll see if he can get in to see a doctor. He's very shy and mumbles around adults he doesn't know. Any tips on getting him to open up?

Go with him? Having an adult who can "translate" or just be a comforting presence can be helpful. 

[blazeingstar]

Thank you. I'll see if he can get in to see a doctor. He's very shy and mumbles around adults he doesn't know. Any tips on getting him to open up?

Is this around all adults, males or females?  Is there particular adults he's better with?  Do you have brothers?  Was this a trait from early childhood that wasn't addressed or did this also appear around age 8?

See, beginning an anxiety disorder around the age of 10/11 for a female makes medical sense as full onset puberty hits around that age beginning with sore breast buds around age 11-12 showing hormonal increases.  (I'd say around 11/12 for a boy the first signs occur)  So if your brother didn't start showing real tell tale signs of puberty at age 9 some kind of trauma would be the only legitimate answer for this kind of massive behavioral change.

Children, especially boys, encounter trauma by extreme anger, depression or regression.  This seems to be a case of regression.

[tinytherese]

Is this around all adults, males or females?  Is there particular adults he's better with?  Do you have brothers?  Was this a trait from early childhood that wasn't addressed or did this also appear around age 8?

He's always been shy around adults that he doesn't know.  He either doesn't speak to them when they talk to him or he mumbles in a soft voice. He's been like this for as long as I can remember.  My parents keep telling him that he needs to speak clearly and louder when he's ordering food for example. Other than that, he talks clearly and loud enough around family members and family friends. He might be more willing to talk to a doctor if mom went with him.

We have an older brother from my dad's ex-wife who never lived with us who moved from Iowa to Colorado. 

He started not sleeping in his bed by himself at some point when I was away at college years ago. Maybe it's connected to me being away from home and him missing me?

[veritasluxmea]

Considering all the drama hype recently on phatmass over attacking ideas and/or persons, I've been hesitant to say this, but it's possible he was never abused and is fine- he's just sensitive or just is a picky sleeper. It's possible some trauma is at the root of his behavior- but it's also possible nothing is. It doesn't sound like he underwent a behavior change. He just got picky about his sleeping habits. It happens. 

Certainly talking with a medical professional about it is a good idea. I'd be very careful NOT to make this out like he has a problem so you're taking him in, which can unintentionally happen. As an adult, I take care of my mental health like I take care of my physical health. I see professionals for that area if there's something I'd like to discuss or am concerned about, just like with the rest of my body, even if it's just once or twice or as a precautionary. I was never raised with that example and had to overcome the "there's something wrong with you" stigma of "seeing someone". So be cautious- have an attitude with something along the lines of, healthy people see doctors to stay healthy, we do the same for our minds and emotional well-being. Maybe explain it to him like that, and I hope your parents have the same understanding. 

Edited September 5, 2015 by veritasluxmea

[CatherineM]

My adopted son can't sleep in a room by himself.  It's due to past abuse issues.