Best newly wed advice you received?

[Anastasia13]

What is the best newly wed advice that you received?

[CatherineM]

Commit to the idea that divorce is not an option under any circumstances. 

Continue to date. Set aside a date night once a week if possible  if not, once a month minimum. 

[Nihil Obstat]

The first year of marriage was difficult in ways I did not expect. Well worth it of course, but difficult. I think that is pretty normal.

[Era Might]

"Don't get married."

Edited September 17, 2015 by Era Might

[blazeingstar]

Honestly,  I wish people would of kept their mouths shut and stopped talking about how hard marriage was.

A year in, so many people have said "yay you survived the first year and didn't kill each-other"  Except, my hubby and I haven't had the slightest inclination to do so.  Besides a few squabbles that were resolved in mere minutes  or at most hours we really haven't had any trouble.  We gave ourselves our own marriage prep because our Pre-cana was so terrible.

We don't have kids yet, but we have kids in our lives and so far we agree on things that pertain to them and it's not always the same rule across the board--depends on the kid.    So while that stress will come, we're not afraid of it in the slightest.

We spent way too much time in the first few weeks afraid that we'd somehow turn into different people and were more careful then we'd been during our engagement, but by the time we'd been married 3 months we stopped that and were very clear with our communication of likes and dislikes.

Maybe we just truly married the right person but neither of us can see how things would be difficult unless we 1) willingly hid something from the other or 2) were a bore.

[Era Might]

If you like to read and have time, I highly recommend "Middlemarch" by George Eliot. I was just reading a chapter about two characters who are newlyweds and it reminded me of your thread. Here's a quick passage, and a little background: the husband is a young, genius doctor but poor, and married the ideal feminine woman in the provincial area...he didn't want to get married, wanting to focus on building his profession, but he fell in love...got married...got into debt trying to set up a nice "respectable" household, and now has to tell his wife he's in debt...as he slowly discovers that he married a woman who he thought would be an angelic venerator of his genius, but who is in fact a young woman who's more interested in prestige and the lovely things of life, and his genius is completely lost (or wasted) on her:

Lydgate, relieved from anxiety about her, relapsed into what she inwardly called his moodiness—a name which to her covered his thoughtful preoccupation with other subjects than herself, as well as that uneasy look of the brow and distaste for all ordinary things as if they were mixed with bitter herbs, which really made a sort of weather-glass to his vexation and foreboding. These latter states of mind had one cause amongst others, which he had generously but mistakenly avoided mentioning to Rosamond, lest it should affect her health and spirits. Between him and her indeed there was that total missing of each other's mental track, which is too evidently possible even between persons who are continually thinking of each other. To Lydgate it seemed that he had been spending month after month in sacrificing more than half of his best intent and best power to his tenderness for Rosamond; bearing her little claims and interruptions without impatience, and, above all, bearing without betrayal of bitterness to look through less and less of interfering illusion at the blank unreflecting surface her mind presented to his ardor for the more impersonal ends of his profession and his scientific study, an ardor which he had fancied that the ideal wife must somehow worship as sublime, though not in the least knowing why. But his endurance was mingled with a self-discontent which, if we know how to be candid, we shall confess to make more than half our bitterness under grievances, wife or husband included. It always remains true that if we had been greater, circumstance would have been less strong against us. Lydgate was aware that his concessions to Rosamond were often little more than the lapse of slackening resolution, the creeping paralysis apt to seize an enthusiasm which is out of adjustment to a constant portion of our lives. And on Lydgate's enthusiasm there was constantly pressing not a simple weight of sorrow, but the biting presence of a petty degrading care, such as casts the blight of irony over all higher effort.

It's a great novel, you'll get invaluable psychological insight into men and women and married life, this isn't the only newlywed couple in the novel. One of the important points in these relationships is how people are afraid to admit things to themselves when they're married...you don't want to destroy the illusion. I think that's an important piece of advice...be willing to admit everything to yourself, don't create illusions or idols (or rather, be willing to recognize and demolish them), and lay everything on the table. When you think about it, marriage is kind of absurd...you're (theoretically) choosing someone to spend the rest of your life with...there's a great line in the novel: "Has any one ever pinched into its pilulous smallness the cobweb of pre-matrimonial acquaintanceship?" In other words, what do we really know about this person? We're really making an act of faith into how they are going to act in the future...we have no idea.

To sum that up in one bit of advice, you have to keep growing as an individual, and don't let your spouse prevent you from doing that...if the marriage is going to work, you have to grow together as individuals, and change together.

The text of the novel if you want to read:

https://www.gutenberg.org/files/145/145-h/145-h.htm

[little2add]

NOTE: for men

• don't forget your first anniversary (or the ones after that)
• put the toilet seat down after you pee
• bathe and brush your teeth at least twice a day
• remember to kiss every day when you get up to go to work
• keep fresh cut flowers on the kitchen table all year long
• always be nice to your mother -in-law.

 

 

[Ancilla Domini]

NOTE: for men

• don't forget your first anniversary (or the ones after that)
• put the toilet seat down after you pee
• bathe and brush your teeth at least twice a day
• remember to kiss every day when you get up to go to work
• keep fresh cut flowers on the kitchen table all year long
• always be nice to your mother -in-law.

 

 

Not married, (obviously) but this:

• actually look when she asks you, "Do I look ok?" Don't just say yes without looking up.

Edited September 18, 2015 by Ancilla Domini

[Anomaly]

After 35 years of marriage, as well as friends and family who have been married a long time.    The keys are simple:

commitment, humor, communication, forgiveness.  

Nobody real doesn't have disagreements and issues.  If you think you don't  or won't, you're lieing to yourselves and/or not communicating.  It's about working them out when they occur, and appreciating when things are great.

But my god, a sense of humor IS important. 

 

 

Oh yeah.  And kiss every time you leave and come home.  Even if you're bickering. 

Edited September 18, 2015 by Anomaly

[Winchester]

Go at it like rabbits.

[clk]

Be "deaf" at times, especially if your partner is in a bad mood.

[Makarioi]

I always like this one from Kahlil Gibran on Marriage from The Prophet.  

 

And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

 

[little2add]

Hold hands as often as you can

[AgnesHolyInnocents]

On our wedding day my husband received some marriage advice and it was to remember these two little words, "Yes, Dear."  He was told that a secret to a happy and long marriage was to let your wife be right- don't try to win a fight because no-one wins in a fight, fighting just isn't worth it, so if there is a fight, concede. It caused the room of people to laugh, but I truly think he thought about that advice and took it to heart. My husband was a very good man, and when I was upset, he used to be the bigger person and hug me, tell me he loved me, and would give me a shoulder backrub. All the anger I had within me would just deflate. He refused to engage in any kind of arguing. Talking out matters yes, but arguing, no. He made Saturday our date night, which when the kids came along, meant planning date nights at home. He would rent a dvd, make us sundaes, give me his whole attention in conversation, and just try to think of ways to bring us closer together. He was my best friend, and definitely my better half. He used to bring me home flowers every two weeks when the ones he had given me died, told me I was beautiful every day, and would often look me in the eyes and tell me that when he looked at me, he still saw the same girl he married, x number of years ago. He always remembered my birthday, our anniversary, mother's day, etc. He would tuck away a few dollars each week and keep it set aside in his wallet to save to buy me a gift on those occasions. He would always call me at his lunch hour from work for a few minutes. He helped me with the kids, laundry, dishes. Sometimes he would take the kids out for part of the day so I could just rest. Both of us were committed that no matter what, we would stay married and work it out. He always held my hand, and always kissed me goodbye, saying he loved me whenever he left. The night he died, he was leaving for work and we had a relative there that had us all in a fluster. Moods were low, but how glad I am that even so, we both kissed and hugged one another goodbye and told one another we loved each other (and he did so with the kids too). He took the time to stop and mean it, not just rush through the words in a bad mood. 

I know this advice is one sided, but I would like to share it because it helped me to be a better wife. I could write what I did for him or thought was helpful, but I think advice for wives might be better coming from a husband. 

I guess the best advice I can think of is marriage is a sacrifice. Put your spouse first, and give them your love, time, and attention. Your spouse is your best friend. Tell them you love them often. Find little ways to show it too. Make the commitment that you'll never break up and that over the years you will keep "dating" one another- like holding hands, having a date night- whatever you do before marriage when in love- bring that with you through all the years of your marriage. When one spouse is tired, emotional, or overwhelmed, be the bigger person for them. 

[Quietfire]

AgnesHolyInnocents that was so moving.  Thank you. 

Every couple is different.

My husband and I were school friends when we decided to move forward, so we still love to chat it up.  If you cant sit with your spouse and talk about anything other than the kids, your jobs, the bills and house...then work being able to do that.  There's nothing wrong with talking about those things, but talking about your dreams, your silliness or anything else keeps things fresh and we always learn something about each other even after 20+ years.

Humor.  He makes me laugh...hard.  He is never afraid to embarrass himself if he thinks it will cause a laugh.

Hold hands as often as possible. 

We don't have children so everyday is date night for us.  But it's still good advice.

I remember before we got married, I gave my husband up until the day of the wedding to back out.  I didn't want him to think that he had to marry me just because we had been together for over 5 years.  There would be no grudges, no hysteria.  I wanted to be with him no matter what, even if marriage wasn't an option.  This was in part because he had previously married and it left a bad taste for years.  This was before I converted to Catholicism.  He was Catholic, I was Presbyterian.  I explained that I did not believe in divorce and once married, he would be stuck with me for life.  His stated, "well, my first wife said that".  My response was, "well, I do believe in being a widow."  Obviously, he showed up for the wedding.

The one thing that he remembers from pre canna is this:  Never leave the house or go to bed without a kiss, because it may be the last one you give.

Simple.