Era Might Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 The winding road of my life has taken a new turn and I’ve decided to come back to the Church. I’ve considered myself Catholic for a long time, just not in an actual practicing sense. And I haven’t been able to make the leap of faith necessary to do so. But many things recently came together interiorly and I’ve realized that the only thing that makes me happy in life is Christ. I wouldn’t call this a “conversion” experience in the usual sense…I went through one of those as a teenager, and came out of it disillusioned because I had no actual life experience underneath it. I had no idea what life was about, let alone the Gospel, and I see now that I had to wander for many years and face the devil in the desert (as Christ did) before I could really enter into the work God has set before me. There’s nothing specific, now, that is bringing me back to the church, except the Life of Christ itself, which has become for me the meaning of my life. I don’t mean the Life of Christ in a general way, but very specifically…to me, the Life of Christ has become the secret wisdom of life, the only thing that has ever given me genuine and unqualified understanding, peace, joy, etc. The idea of “vocation” has haunted me for a long time, trying to figure out what supposed to be doing in the world, because I’ve not found it in any of the conventional “paths” that life has to offer (college, profession, family, etc.). It recently dawned on me, in a way that I can only interpret as the intervention of God, that in fact my vocation and my conversion are one and the same, that the Gospels, the Life of Christ, is my vocation. I have a lot of intellectual “interests” but none of them interest me on the level of a profession…I don’t want to be an academic, I don’t want to be a businessman, I don’t want to be a “teacher” in the conventional sense…as you can imagine, this has left me few options. I’ve sort of been standing in the space between being and nothingness, with no real road to walk in life…and I feel like suddenly Christ has come down and given me the path, which is himself. I have come to believe that my vocation in life is essentially spiritual…not in the sense of applying my spirituality to some secular profession, but directly focused on the spiritual. I’m not really sure what this will mean practically, I honestly have no idea where I’m going except that I feel like a new path has been opened up to me, Christ himself, and that I have to follow it. I have this idea that my vocation is to be a “missionary”…I have never thought this before, so the fact that this has suddenly dawned on me, along with everything else, makes me think that this may be part of the message that I now need to set on. I plan on discerning this in the method of St. Ignatius…from what I understand of the Ignatius way, what you feel intuitively is an important part of discernment, so I think I should be taking this intuition seriously. I can't say that all my doubts have been solved, but I've decided that the Life of Christ is as true as true gets in this life, and I don't want to spend my life quibbling over details. Writing all this sounds strange to me…I can’t really explain what I’m feeling, except that this is not a “religious conversion” in the sense I had many years ago, but I feel like St. Paul on the road to Damascus, suddenly blinded and sent down a different road. At the same time, I’m very afraid, because I am NOT cut out to be a Catholic…on so many levels. I’m afraid that I will turn back just as I set my hand to the plough, so mainly I’d appreciate prayers to make a good start on this new resolution (I plan on going to confession soon). At the same time I feel like my life has started over, I feel the fear that my life is over…because if I take this step, I am essentially letting go of what I thought life would be for me. I want to live the Life of Christ. I don’t want to be smart, wise, famous, rich…I just want to live the Gospels as plainly as I can. And I also told the Lord that in taking this step, I expect him to give me something to do…something practical in life, a practical way to live this new vocation, because I don’t want to wander in the desert anymore. I really have no idea where this will lead…I couldn’t be a priest, probably could not be a monk, and am not entirely giving up the possibility of marriage in the future, though at this point it is hard for me to imagine marrying with the vocation I feel this new path has opened up to me. So I’m starting this in faith, and plan to read the Gospels and the Lives of the Saints as my way forward. Thanks for your prayers, and any advice on the missionary aspect above, as I’m trying to figure out (practically) what I can do to get started on this new life. I hope to read and write about the Gospel…so I’m hoping a path opens up for me to do that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nihil Obstat Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Congratulations. Let us know how we can help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not The Philosopher Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Welcome back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Socrates Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 At the same time, I’m very afraid, because I am NOT cut out to be a Catholic…on so many levels. Very few of us are. Only by God's grace . . . Congratulations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maximilianus Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Bienvenido a casa. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bardegaulois Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 It's difficult to say much with certainty about your situation, Era Might, except that I was at this very juncture and in this very position about two years ago. Something that always kept coming into my mind at the time were Christ's words to St Peter after the Resurrection. I can tell this for sure, though: you will be led in manners so subtle that you won't even realize it except in retrospect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HopefulHeart Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 Welcome home! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Didacus Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 May God Himself forever hold you in His hands. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ash Wednesday Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 I receive this news with joy, but I especially appreciated your insights. Thank you for this beautiful read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amppax Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 That's wonderful. You will most certainly be in my prayers. I'm not sure what I have to offer necessarily besides prayers, but I'd you have those and whatever else I might be able to offer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seven77 Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 (edited) Thanks for sharing man. Very welcome words. isn't it amazing how God continually searches for us, and speaks to us through all our life experiences. Everything that we experience in life is a stepping stone, preparation to do that next thing the Lord has ordained for us. Everything works for good… Congratulations on receiving this grace. It's like a down payment for the year of mercy. I will most definitely keep you in my prayers. By the way, do you know Bl. Charles Foucauld? I was reminded of him when you mentioned how much you're inspired by the life of Christ. Bl. Charles was too, especially by his hidden life in Nazareth. Edited October 5, 2015 by Seven77 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabriela Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Welcome home, Era Might. I'm very happy to hear this. And I can say this: Given my many conversions, I regularly pray for God to keep me in the Church until I die. I sometimes worry I'll leave, like I left so many other religions. It's not an impending threat, just something that concerns me at times because of my history. Asking God to keep me where I am, for His sake and mine, has therefore become a kind of "practice" for me. You might try this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slappo Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Great to read Era. I pray that God calms your fears and enlightens you regarding your vocation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
homeschoolmom Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peace Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 On 10/2/2015, 6:17:22, Era Might said: The winding road of my life has taken a new turn and I’ve decided to come back to the Church. . . So Era, Inquiring minds want to know. How did you get from this to "I do not believe in a personal God" in a matter of 2 months? It seems to me that Satan must have been working awfully hard to get you to turn back away from the Church. Wormwood is back in action perhaps? But that is just my own speculation, of course. Peace Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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