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28yrolddiscerner

Date a non Catholic

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28yrolddiscerner

Would you date a non-catholic?  There are no local Catholic Bachelors, and a lot of guys on dating sites are creeps!  Is this a sin???

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tinytherese

No, it's not a sin. Catholics are permitted to marry non-Catholics and non-Christians. You have to request a dispensation (written permission slip basically) from your bishop though. You must be married in a Catholic ceremony unless you get yet another dispensation from your bishop to marry in a non-Catholic ceremony. You have to raise your kids Catholic and you can't contracept or sterilize. 

Some people can handle being married to a non-Catholic or a non-Christian, but for others it's too hard for them to handle. It all depends on you as an individual. Experimenting may be necessary.

If you do choose to be with someone of anither faith, please make sure that the two if you respect each other's different beliefs. Don't try to change each other's minds. Don't bad-mouth each other's opinions. If one or neither of you are able to do this, then don't get married. Some may tell you that maybe they'll convert because they know someone who married a Catholic who did. It's possible, but be prepared for if they don't. I'm not saying this to sound pessimistic. I'm saying this so that you're rooted in reality as Seraphic Singles says. Secretly pray fir their conversion and leave it in the hands of The Holy Spirit. He's the one who converts anyway.

I've been told to only discuss religion with someone of a different faith that you're dating, engaged, or married to if it directly affects the relationship or if it's brought up by the other person. That way, you don't come off as pressuring them into your faith.

Sadly, there are some cases where the other person will claim to agree to raise their kids Catholic, but then they try to bully their Catholic spouse into changing their mind. Some even try to persuade their Catholic spouse to leave their faith. I'm not saying that all marriages with someone who isn't Catholic or who isn't a Christian don't work or that such marriages are all unhappy. What I'm saying is that both people need to be honest with themselves and each ither as well as respect each other. (Then again, that can be said about all marriages.)

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Lilllabettt
10 hours ago, 28yrolddiscerner said:

Would you date a non-catholic?  There are no local Catholic Bachelors, and a lot of guys on dating sites are creeps!  Is this a sin???

The answer is ... I didnt. And I wouldn't. I found the concept of dating HECKIN BORING. So I definitely wasnt interested in doing it for fun. But for the purpose of discerning marriage. Would I marry a non Catholic... mmm no. Although i would consider a real believing Jew or Muslim, or even an atheist, before a "cultural" Catholic. 

Having the same religion makes things easier in marriage especially if there are kids. But, even if you do marry a Catholic, people change. The person you're married to in 20 yrs won't be the same person you vowed your life to on your wedding day. Getting married is like jumping off a cliff in some ways.

 

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Anomaly

I’m coming up to 35 years of marriage.  I was a practicing Catholic, as was my family.  I literally have a Papal Blessing as a wedding gift.  

My wife was raised agnostic.   I am her Godfather and confirmation sponsor.   She was baptized and confirmed before we wed. 

Today she is a practicing Catholic.   I am atheist.  We are still in love.  I don’t try to make her an atheist, nor does she try to make me believe.  

If you can foresee possibly staying in a marriage like that, then date a non-Catholic.   If not, don’t. 

Marriage is not a commitment like jumping off a cliff.    You are not in it till you hit something.  

It’s more like a thrill ride.  You want someone who will grab your hand, put their arms around you, and roll past the platform with you for the next round.  

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Lilllabettt
9 hours ago, Anomaly said:

I’m coming up to 35 years of marriage.  I was a practicing Catholic, as was my family.  I literally have a Papal Blessing as a wedding gift.  

My wife was raised agnostic.   I am her Godfather and confirmation sponsor.   She was baptized and confirmed before we wed. 

Today she is a practicing Catholic.   I am atheist.  We are still in love.  I don’t try to make her an atheist, nor does she try to make me believe.  

If you can foresee possibly staying in a marriage like that, then date a non-Catholic.   If not, don’t. 

Marriage is not a commitment like jumping off a cliff.    You are not in it till you hit something.  

It’s more like a thrill ride.  You want someone who will grab your hand, put their arms around you, and roll past the platform with you for the next round.  

Tell the truth. Are your kids Catholic? I mean do they love Jesus and the blessed Virgin and to receive the Holy Eucharist on Sunday? I know 1 isn't but how about the others? This is rhetorical so dont feel like you have to answer. 

The research Ive seen is that the religious practices of the father are determinative where the children are concerned. Vs the mother I mean. So for faithful women who are seeking a father for their children this is a big deal.

I dont have kids but if I did... teaching them to be Catholic and desire holiness, and have a decent shot to become saints is pretty much the yardstick by which I'd measure success. Forget grades, looks, popularity or anything like that.

My devout husband becoming an atheist and my children following his example into religious apathy ... would pretty much be one of the biggest tragedies of my life, and believe me I've had a few of those. I would definitely describe it as "hitting something " big on the way down. In which case you have to hold tight to avoid letting go.

 

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Anomaly

Neither are practicing Catholics.   They preceded me in falling away.   

As a parent, my goal was to help them be self aware, empathetic, and intentionally kind people.   I believed Catholicism was a fundamental requirement to achieve that.   Experiences have revised the Catholicism part, but I’m very happy with the wonderful persons my children are.

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Lilllabettt
33 minutes ago, Anomaly said:

Neither are practicing Catholics.   They preceded me in falling away.   

As a parent, my goal was to help them be self aware, empathetic, and intentionally kind people.   I believed Catholicism was a fundamental requirement to achieve that.   Experiences have revised the Catholicism part, but I’m very happy with the wonderful persons my children are.

Ah well.  Showing kindness and empathy and being a "righteous Gentile" is very much an option for people who dont know/love Jesus but of course that's obvious to you now...

I wonder how your wife feels. No doubt she is proud of her children. But I'm sure if she is really Catholic, it troubles her deeply that her children did not fulfill the baptismal promises she made on their behalf. Im sure she knows as a Catholic wife she has a responsibility before God for the care and destination of her husbands soul, too. I'm sure it has occurred to her to wonder if she failed somehow with regards to you.  (We could say of course she didnt but regardless the thought will occur and cause suffering.) Although you said she doesn't try to make you believe, I'm certain, if she is Catholic, that she has prayed desperately, for that. Theres literally nothing more important to a Catholic woman than the hope that her family will be with her in heaven.  

All of that suffering is a possible future for anyone who gets married because as was your experience, people change. But I think if you marry a non Catholic,  you're buying it up front in some respects. Marriage is a lot of suffering because you take on the other persons success and failures as your own. Its twice the suffering.  And children multiply that again. Its twice the joy, too. Or maybe with joy it's an exponent rather than a multiple. But what defines a person is not who they are in the good times but who they become in the bad. That's where the real work of becoming human is done, when the rubber hits the road.

 

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Lilllabettt
1 hour ago, little2add said:

I married a non-practicing catholic and love it.  

Why.

I mean obviously you love your spouse who happens to be a non practicing catholic. 

But I'm curious.  Do you have kids? Are you praying for your spouses conversion? Are you hoping this characteristic changes about them?

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tinytherese
14 hours ago, Lilllabettt said:

Ah well.  Showing kindness and empathy and being a "righteous Gentile" is very much an option for people who dont know/love Jesus but of course that's obvious to you now...

I wonder how your wife feels. No doubt she is proud of her children. But I'm sure if she is really Catholic, it troubles her deeply that her children did not fulfill the baptismal promises she made on their behalf. Im sure she knows as a Catholic wife she has a responsibility before God for the care and destination of her husbands soul, too. I'm sure it has occurred to her to wonder if she failed somehow with regards to you.  (We could say of course she didnt but regardless the thought will occur and cause suffering.) Although you said she doesn't try to make you believe, I'm certain, if she is Catholic, that she has prayed desperately, for that. Theres literally nothing more important to a Catholic woman than the hope that her family will be with her in heaven.  

All of that suffering is a possible future for anyone who gets married because as was your experience, people change. But I think if you marry a non Catholic,  you're buying it up front in some respects. Marriage is a lot of suffering because you take on the other persons success and failures as your own. Its twice the suffering.  And children multiply that again. Its twice the joy, too. Or maybe with joy it's an exponent rather than a multiple. But what defines a person is not who they are in the good times but who they become in the bad. That's where the real work of becoming human is done, when the rubber hits the road.

 

His situation is probably unusual compared to the experience of other mixed marriages, as in the exception to the norm. There's probably more to the story than he might be comfortable revealing though. 

I understand that it's still something to be concerned about though. The thought of a spouse or our kids possibly not being with us in Heaven is scary. God asks us to do our best with what He has given us as well as pray for His help and for their salvation. If after all that and they're not practicing Catholics in a state of grace, then it won't be our fault. 

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little2add
7 hours ago, Lilllabettt said:

Why.

I mean obviously you love your spouse who happens to be a non practicing catholic. 

But I'm curious.     Do you have kids?  yes and grandkids too!   you praying for your spouses conversion? no, she's as good as a person gets, already.   Are you hoping this characteristic changes about them?  in my prayers.

 

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Lilllabettt
1 hour ago, little2add said:

 

So, were you successful in transmitting the Catholic faith? Did your kids keep the baptismal promises you made to God on their behalf?  Did they marry in the Church and are they raising their kids Catholic?

How did you deal when your kids learned their parent was in an objective state of mortal sin? I remember the day I learned that about my mom,  who was a non practicing Catholic.  It made me want to be like my dad (who wasnt catholic and therefore excused.) It was traumatic.  I was scared my mom might go to hell. How did your kids react?

Idk if you're being hyperbolic about your spouse being as good as anyone could be... but that's definitely not true. We all have room for conversion but a person who is not keeping their baptismal promises to God definitely has room for conversion 

 

 

7 hours ago, tinytherese said:

His situation is probably unusual compared to the experience of other mixed marriages, as in the exception to the norm. There's probably more to the story than he might be comfortable revealing though. 

I understand that it's still something to be concerned about though. The thought of a spouse or our kids possibly not being with us in Heaven is scary. God asks us to do our best with what He has given us as well as pray for His help and for their salvation. If after all that and they're not practicing Catholics in a state of grace, then it won't be our fault. 

I dont agree with you totally that it wouldn't be our fault. When we get married or have children, God places the good of a soul in our care. If we dont give a good example or fail to pray or they lose grace because of our fault, we can be held responsible for that.  It takes trust in God to get married or no one would do it. One of my favorite prayers is this one, which makes repairs for lost graces:

O my God and my all, in Thy goodness and mercy, grant that before I die I may regain all the graces which I have lost through my carelessness and folly. Permit me to attain the degree of merit and perfection to which Thou didst desire to lead me, and which I failed by my unfaithfulness to reach. Mercifully grant also that others regain the graces which they have lost through my fault. This I humbly beg through the merits of the Sacred Heart of Jesus and Immaculate Virgin Mary. AMEN.

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MIKolbe

I married a non-catholic... didn't even get a dispensation for cult..parish said they would handle it and they didn't, and I didn't know any better.

She was received into the Church 3 years ago. :)

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Anomaly

Bottom line, you can think you have deal breakers beforehand, but really what you are required to have is a firm commitment to deal with ANYTHING that comes along.  

Catholic or not, get married with the intent to stay together no matter what.   NOBODY wants to stay together 100% of the time and everyone changes.  It’s sticking up for the other person, letting them carry you sometimes, or hunkering down while in a storm you never expected.  It’s apologizing when you don’t think you’re wrong, and accepting apologies that are unspoken.  

If you think some aspect are definitely “Nope”, then don’t.   I promise there will be many things you will strongly prefer never to have dealt with that you just can’t imagine.   

But if you look for them, there will be experiences that make it all worth while. 

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