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[angry] With God


GodChild

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Noel's angel

It's difficult for any of us here to begin to understand your situation, but I would urge you to really listen to what people are saying. Many of the Saints went through periods when they couldn't 'feel' God's presence. In fact, God often seems distant to many people. But these periods of doubt and fear are really periods of growth. God is strengthening your spirit. He allows times of sorrow and pain, not to punish you or because He wants you to feel bad, but because He knows it will make you a better, stronger, more integrated person.
God allowed evil into the world, not because He wanted us to be in pain but because He knew good would come from it. He knew that Christ would die in the most horrific manner and then rise again in three days so that we would no longer be slaves to death. Remember that even though Christ died, He rose from the dead.
In these times of sorrow, we too must die in a sense-we must die to the world's empty promises. To grow, we must suffer. Just because something makes you feel all warm and cosy and happy, doesn't mean it's where you will find true joy. You must never give up on God because He will never give up on you.

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Kirisutodo333

[quote name='GodChild' post='1313308' date='Jul 5 2007, 06:32 AM']I feel guilt now ... absolutely racked with guilt as if too ashamed to step outside cause God can see me and I can't hide under a roof
I don't know, maybe I am possessed like ppl say ... I feel so much anger at so much injustice ... I feel sick and tired of His love and mercy and want His rage to fall to the earth and kill everyone - I want less mercy and more justice. It makes me sick .... and I reach bursting point and I spew it everywhere ... not in any particular direction, just anywhere and at anything that gets in the way, and God gets in the way cause His everywhere
I feel like maybe i should go to confession but then I feel too guilty too and to ashamed ... and angry, cause going to confession is to admit I'm wrong but I know I'm not wrong .... this injustice and the evil ppl do is not OK. Its not ... and I do not accept that all we have to do is turn our cheek and sit silent cause such evil is a 'holy' cross - its not and I KNOW im right[/quote]

You're not the only one that has ever felt this way. People have been feeling this way for ages. A great example is the Psalms. Do me a favor and read them or re-read them if you've read them already. There you will find the pain that you feel, but also you will find hope and love. You feel as God has abandoned you but he hasn't. Don't worry, the just will get their rewards and the unjust will be judged. But you have to be patient. It's patience and hope that fill us with the will to live. Read the psalms and you'll see that you are not the only one, but one of a legion of the righteous.

God bless you. Paz en Cristo

Kiris

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farglefeezlebut

It will take a while for you to come to see God as a loving God. BUt that's what He is. Maybe you have no sense of God's presence becaus ethe God you believe in is not God. But God is alwyas there. He is closer to you than the veins in your neck. He loves you. You only exist because of His love. That may seem impossible, when your existance is so painful, but, to put it in the bluntest possible way, sh*t happens because it makes roses grow.

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[indent]Take a rest. Walk for a while. And think, why do you hate almost everybody? Is it not because of love too? You love yourself. If you really love yourself - do it and show it to others for being good. Please listen to all of them.[/indent]

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here me out now ok. i dont understand the darkness ur in right now. I don't kno what's been eating at ur head and heart for all this time. You are the only person who knows what its like. 5 months ago my dad died. I am 19 years old only and have had so much to deal with lately its rediculous. I know I am in darkness. Im experiencing this grief, loneliness, anger, and torture that this world brings with it. It smells of elderberries. Sometimes i just wish i wud be dead so I cud be with him again cuz he was my best friend, my life practically, and I can't picture a life without him. But you kno what its a friggin gift. People who go through such hiorrible afflictions know how dark life can get. No one else understands what its like to be sitting at home on a computer searching for answers to the deepest troubles. To occasionaly find a glimmer of hope when going throughout the day. You didnt control what happend to you. But it was dealt to you. This carp that we go through sheds us to the core of our own existence. It makes you wonder what this whole life we have is about; it brings us to the most important question. Is this situation we are in an effect of Gods personal handling of our own being? Did God have you go throught that sick abuse for a reason? I ask myself everyday, every hour almost, if God has a meaning behind this suffering, anxiety, borderline-depression, that has come from the loss of Dad. But this is the reality of our life. We can't understand the workings of the Creator. We can't answer the question why me? Bu we do know several things. And these truths hopefully will be the reasons for u to continue on this painfull journey, this carrying of the cross. Padre Pio said once how it does'nt matter if ur path consists of desert or green fields as long s it reaches to Heaven. We have to look outisde our selves and see that there is a place one goes after this life and that the more carp you are dealt with in life is just another chance to prove to the friggn universe how amazing u are. People who have never gone through what youve gone through, myself included, can see what an awesome person you are and how headstrong u r to battle that. Its respect. Its character. Its real. Another thing that I have found comforting is that quote in the Gospels where Jesus says ask and you will receive. Well I find my life to be very serious with all this carp im goin thru and Im puttin my hope/faith in God that He is more serious about it than me. So Im gona take Him up on His Word. Solanus Casey once said, "Do not pray for easy lives; pray to be stronger people.  Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers; pray for powers equal to your tasks." God will be completely straightfoward in what we ask of Him, I know it, just trust it and focus on Him more than yourself and all will be well. Keep on keepin on my friend.

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holyspirit1985

[quote name='GodChild' post='1339326' date='Jul 23 2007, 10:57 PM']- part of the reason why I'm angry with Him is that he doesn't say anything - he is just silent, as if he's not there

question: Why doesn't he speak to me? I have gone to Church every Sunday, confession, the Eucharist, prayed and done one devotion ... then another ... then another ... tried Mary (she's npot there), tried the saints (their not there either) ... even tried St Jude, the patron of impossible cases ... and nothing. Not a word. ???[/quote]


I know how that one feels!! It's very frustrating, I know. He is there, though. Mother Theresa, John of the Cross: saints who went through long periods without really hearing God. I believe Blessed Theresa of Calcutta went through like 50 years or something of darkness. It kind of puts things into perspective for me when I go through a few months of darkness. Just keep talking to God, and know that we are called to praise Him in the dark. Job said the Lord gives and takes away, but I will still say "blessed be Your name."

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holyspirit1985

[quote name='GodChild' post='1339516' date='Jul 24 2007, 06:47 AM']Yet the fact remains that no matter what I think or tell myself, or what words I hear ... inside I no longer believe Him ... It feels like its gone, like it snapped ... but it doesn't matter cause I know I'll be alright without the 'Christ' - I have found something else, that is making me happy and I want to spend my time on a god who loves me .... not one who would rather die than just be with me.

My experinence and knowledge of Christ is just not the 'loving' God you guys speak of .... maybe we are talking about different Gods? Maybe the one i know is completely different to yours .... you speak of love, trust and friendship - but all I have to speak of is betrayal, abandonment and condemnation - the Christ I know is a very judgemental one .... hey it doesn't matter, your probably tired of it and I too am getting tired of it :yawn:

I want to LIVE ... and not feel guilty and ashamed of wanting to Live.[/quote]

Just reading what you've posted in this thread, I have to wonder, was that me? I really feel what you are going through. I don't really know what to write, so I guess I'm really not that helpful. Other than to know that you're not alone, and there is hope for a life free of guilt and shame.

"Our trust should be without limits since our Lord God gives His grace to whomever He gives the burden." ~Venerable Mother Luisita, O.C.D.

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infinitelord1

Imagine one thing that you believe is a good thing and that you want really badly. Now imagine that you do not feel like you are capable of having it, but at the same time it is the only thing that you believe that will make you truelly happy. Imagine that you feel the complete opposite of what you really want to feel that which will make you truelly happy. Now imagine that everybody persecutes you for the way that you truelly feel even though you do not want to feel this way, and you want to feel completely opposite of what you truelly feel.

I am in the US Army. I have recieved a lot of harassment involving the "don't ask don't tell" policy. This policy also includes "don't harass". I have been alienated from my comrades. Some of my comrades have reached out but eventually they were driven away, not by me, but by other people who suspected that I was a homosexual. I have been called fag, qwerty, gay, etc. Everytime somebody calls me this it destroys me emotionally. I start thinking about suicide a lot, and I still do. Because of the "don't ask don't tell" policy...certain people can not talk about how they feel. Not even to a chaplain. So that makes things very difficult for somebody who is struggling with their sexual identity. Throughout my life, the only thought that really made me happy was the thought of falling in love with girl, and getting married and possibly having some children one day. Everyday I question if I am even capable of having these things because I do not feel this way. I would like to add that I have reason for wanting these things. When I was a little boy, I remember, having these feelings of attraction for good looking women. I even had a sexual attraction for a girl when I was around 10 years old. It felt really natural to me. And I knew at that point that was who I wanted to be. Now I do not feel these feelings for girls. I actually feel for the same sex now. I will say it doesnt feel as beautiful or natural. But that is what I feel. Nobody really knows what to tell me. In fact, a lot of people dont want anything to do with me because of it. I have been harassed, people did not want to teach me my job, people would set me up to look like i was a piece of carp, people would not put me through training so I could do other necessary jobs. They are really setting me up for failure. The truth is they do not want me here. And if I just leave, I would have a rough time trying to survive. I have always found it hard to get jobs.

Now imagine yourself in my shoes. It becomes a survival game. Many people hate me and persecute me every day. They go out of their way to try to get rid of me. Imagine how hard it is to have happy thoughts about God when you are suffering so greatly. I have still yet to see a miracle. I have prayed for god to take this away from me. I do not know if he has done anything at all. It really does not seem like he has done anything. Maybe some people have done a little, but not god (it seems like). I know how hard it is to have faith when you are in a position of powerlessness and pain. It seems like none of your prayers are being heard. I know what it is like. I really can not give you any advice about God. Maybe he will save you from your pain one day. I have suffered for 6 years now, and still have yet to be saved from mine. I can only hope that it will happen, and that I realize that it was of God so I can praise him for it. But at the same time I can not expect anything and that alone is very difficult for me. Talk about your problems with people that you trust and that will show you love. I think that is what you need right now. Yes go to confession, but also talk with your loved ones about your problems. Knowing that they care for you opens you up more and allows god to work his magic (hopefully). Its worth a shot thats all I can say.

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[quote]Yes go to confession, but also talk with your loved ones about your problems.[/quote]

I DON'T have any ... this is a point many ppl cannot relate to - to have NO family, NO friends and noone to open your mouth to

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:bigpray: :bigpray:............... :biglol:
You are in my thoughts and prayers. God bless You. Edited by Jennirom
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cathoholic_anonymous

Dear GodChild,

I do not know how that feels personally, but I have shared that pain through the experience of one of my friends. She was abused by her mother as a child and now she no longer has any contact with her. Her dad is in prison for rape. He attempted to molest her when she was fifteen, and she does not want to see him again.

When she was seventeen she gave birth to a little girl and moved in with her boyfriend. They lived together for over three years. At some point during those years, she became a Christian. In spite of her various disabilities and illnesses, she was happy. She thought she was going to have a real family at last.

Then her partner was arrested for crimes I can't write about here. He faces prison. The little girl faces adoption. My friend is allowed to spend two hours each week with the child. Supervised. She lives in a care home now. She is the only person there under the age of fifty, and the only woman. Most of her friends are from the Internet and she's never actually met them personally. I go to see her sometimes, but as she lives four hundred miles away and I can't drive, it isn't easy for me to be the kind of friend I'd like to be. I would like to be able to cook for her when she's too unwell to cook for herself, take her to the park and to the seaside when she's feeling well enough to walk, sit with her when she's having trouble sleeping, and generally provide real, tangible, hands-on support. When I graduate next summer I am going to apply to be her carer and hopefully have her out of the nursing home. But she's in so much pain (emotional and physical) that she can't see until the end of next week, never mind next year, and there are days when she just wants to die.

She expected to receive help and support from the medical and social services. They failed her. Badly. They took her daughter away, the one thing she had left to love, and put her in a care home where she doesn't fit in. For the moment, she's on her own.

She struggles to pray, for similar reasons to yours, so she has created a subtle 'prayer area' in one corner of her room. She keeps a lovely icon of the Annunciation there, which gives her great reassurance. Sometimes, when we read the Christmas story, it sounds as if God came into the world with great fanfare and triumph and light - glorious choirs of angels singing and stars blazing and all the rest of it. But if we think about it closely, we can see it wasn't like that. Only a small knot of mountainside shepherds witnessed the choirs of Heaven. The Magi of the East had to pin all their hopes on a distant sign billions of miles away, that might turn out to be nothing more than another ball of gas burning in the cosmos. As for the rest of the world, there was very little knowledge that the Messiah had come at last. For thirty years...near-perfect silence.

Even direct, divine revelation is not enough to remove pain and uncertainty. As the Gospels tell us, Mary was troubled by the angel's message; the beauty of the annunciation was that she said [i]yes[/i] to an unknown, uncertain future. She signed that blank cheque. Her action cost her, but what is truly remarkable here is not her strength and endurance, but her trust.

I have a beautiful little prayer-book called 'Mother of Mercy' that was compiled by four young Lithuanian girls imprisoned in a communist labour camp in Siberia. Life was very hard for them in that camp and spiritual comfort was thin on the ground. This prayer is their meditation on the Fourth Station of the Cross, the meeting between Christ and His Mother:

Two glowing torchlights -
the sun and the moon -
the most beloved Son
and the most noble Mother
meet on the street of salvation
Two hearts taste all bitterness
of suffering and sorrow
Two hearts - most sensitive
to our own troubles and misery.

Sorrowful Mother, aid me
to understand the meaning
of present hardships.
Help us all
to return soon
to our beloved land
and to find the way
to everlasting happiness.

This prayer is one of my favourites:

Blessed Trinity, have mercy!
O Heavenly Father,
You have created us
for perfect happiness.
In all humility I pray,
lead me to it, as You please,
down steep cliffs
and through bitter cold.
Everywhere I will follow You;
only show me the way.
O Lord Jesus,
You have sacrificed everything
for our salvation.
You have drained to the dregs
life's bitter chalice.
You have chosen for me
the same road of suffering,
the lot of destitution
and homesickness.
Strengthen me for these.
Holy Spirit,
enlighten me in the hour,
of darkness and temptation,
that I may neither go astray,
nor live in deadly error.

In much of the book the children (for that was all they were) are trying to make sense of their own suffering. But it is also luminous with hope. If you like, I will send you a copy of the booklet in the post.

Be brave. I am praying for you. *Hugs*

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infinitelord1

[quote name='GodChild' post='1347064' date='Aug 2 2007, 06:39 AM']I DON'T have any ... this is a point many ppl cannot relate to - to have NO family, NO friends and noone to open your mouth to[/quote]


ok i understand. I, personally, have parents, but not ones that i can rely on. They both have always taken it very hard on me. Later in life i found that their criticism was really more destructive than anything. They have done nothing but beat me down throughout my life. They didnt care about anything but their own lives.

Anyways, I am currently in a similar situation like you. I dont have any friends nor family that I can rely on to talk to. I understand how difficult it is. Things seem to be an endless cycle of pain and depression. Especially if you are in a position like me where nobody knows how to help you. If I were you I would expand my resources. You can talk to priests if you want, but dont leave that as your only option. There are counselors out there who may take your situation into consideration and talk to you for free. I believe that you need somebody that loves you more than anything right now. What is your family situation (if you dont mind me asking)? You said you have nobody...is that really true?

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