Question For Dads And Dads-to-be

[HomeTeamFamily]

How do you deal with or prevent feeling resentment towards your wife while she is pregnant?

I find it mentally and physically challenging to go to work and come home and meet my wife laying on the couch watching television because she is not feeling well right now. That means that dinner and house chores fall on me. I dont want to sound like I am whining, but it is a struggle to feel like I am doing a good job because she is feeling bad and is in not the greatest mood to give me positive reinforcement.

I know I need to pray about it, but there has to be someone else who has gone through this and has some practical advice about this situation.

Thanks, God bless

Adam

[Daniel9]

Adam,

I know this can be a very trying time for both of you. When it seemed like I was doing everything from going to the office and being the housekeeper, I would remind myself what my wife was going through and the miracle that was growing inside of her. That would usually put things in perspective. Also, I knew when the baby was born no matter how much I helped, the majority of the hard work would fall on her shoulders from nursing to comforting the baby.

Just try to keep looking at the "big picture" and I think that will help.

Good luck and God bless!

- Daniel9

[Balthazor]

I am a girl and I am single so I can't help you there. But I will tell you that everyone handles pregnancy differently and for some women it is really hard on thier bodies.

When my sister was pregnant I cleaned her house, made dinner for her and her husband, did her gardening. When she came home from work she was soo exhausted. I felt so bad for her because I could see she was miserable. I did not want to be in her shoes for anything!

If you want to fight resentment think of it like this: your wife is sacrificing her body for YOUR child. She is tired now and probably has a lot of wonderful pregnancy side effects like : stretch marks, weight gain, tiredness, swollen ankles, and probably sore breasts..... not to mention all the wierd digestive troubles pregnany women get. I mean babies really can screw up your system.

Now think of those symptoms......and add on that the child inside her is banging around her internal organs and put yourself in her shoes.......

How would you feel?

Now add to this that after the baby she will be tired, sore and have to face trying to lose baby weight, possibly having stretch marks that will never go away and taking care of a newborn.

It is pretty daunting when you think about it.

Check out a few pregnancy websites.... it will give you an idea of what women go through.

ANd then Get excited! Because you are having a baby and it is a wonderful thing

[Archaeology cat]

Even if your wife isn't telling you how much she appreciates it, she appreciates everything you're doing. I was in bed from about 13.00-15.00 on every day for 8 weeks because of the nausea, which meant my husband did all the cooking, in addition to the cleaning and taking care of the cats. I'm sure I didn't thank him enough, or tell him how much I appreciated it, but I did. And I also fell more and more in love with him during that time, seeing how much he was taking care of me and our child. Even though I sometimes got frustrated when he wouldn't let me do certain things (I'm a very stubborn person, and so is our son. My dad says I deserve that )

[quote name='Balthazor' post='1628724' date='Aug 16 2008, 11:05 AM']I am a girl and I am single so I can't help you there. But I will tell you that everyone handles pregnancy differently and for some women it is really hard on thier bodies.

When my sister was pregnant I cleaned her house, made dinner for her and her husband, did her gardening. When she came home from work she was soo exhausted. I felt so bad for her because I could see she was miserable. I did not want to be in her shoes for anything!

If you want to fight resentment think of it like this: your wife is sacrificing her body for YOUR child. She is tired now and probably has a lot of wonderful pregnancy side effects like : stretch marks, weight gain, tiredness, swollen ankles, and probably sore breasts..... not to mention all the wierd digestive troubles pregnany women get. I mean babies really can screw up your system.

Now think of those symptoms......and add on that the child inside her is banging around her internal organs and put yourself in her shoes.......

How would you feel?

Now add to this that after the baby she will be tired, sore and have to face trying to lose baby weight, possibly having stretch marks that will never go away and taking care of a newborn.

It is pretty daunting when you think about it.

Check out a few pregnancy websites.... it will give you an idea of what women go through.

ANd then Get excited! Because you are having a baby and it is a wonderful thing [/quote]
Constant heartburn, nausea for the first trimester, sore ribs from getting kicked, lack of sleep from heartburn and getting kicked all night. But then there's the first time you feel that kick, and then the first time the father feels that kick, the games you play with the baby (Kieran liked to kick off any bowls or plates I put on my bump if I tried to use it as a table). The personality the baby develops even in utero, his/her likes and dislikes (Kieran loved listening to Bart play his flute, and also loved listening to our visiting priest from Nigeria). It's hard, and yet I also loved being pregnant (once I got past the nausea).

[MIKolbe]

Adam-

The very same thing happened to me. My wife was on bedrest during the majoity of her pregnancy.

At the times you mention, i thought of St. Joseph, prayed, and simply offered it up.

I am a bit of a freak as well, so i put all my energy into the 'chore' i was doing. The bathrooms were never as clean, nor was the floor mopped so expediitiously.

Try to think LONG TERM. This is ultimately for baby. and yes, of course for mom.

The way i also looked at it was: she is going to give birth, the least I can do is a few chores in the meantime.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

[Thy Geekdom Come]

It can be a challenge, but that said, in the words of Janet Smith, the purpose of parenthood is to make adults out of the parents. First, realize that pregnant women need to rest. Second, find your priorities. Jennie and I have not had a very clean apartment since she got pregnant. It's not because I let everything go, either...I cover most of the chores, but I also wasn't going to let it stress me out. It's important to be a man and not let chores and responsibilities get you down, but it's also important to know your limits. If you're getting resentful, try spending some time with your wife and ask yourself if it's really necessary that this or that chore gets done right now.

When Jen and I found out she was pregnant, she told me, "call me on if I try to take advantage of the pregnancy." She knew it might be a temptation to just lay around and not do anything. It is true that that could be a problem, but she has done a lot around our apartment to help out and I appreciate it. :-) That said, it's still my job to take care of anything she can't do. Get used to it...chores will only increase once babies come, and your time to do them will decrease. You won't have as much free time, but hopefully you'll learn how to make your free time quality time.

As for getting positive reinforcement...I am a fairly needy person emotionally. I need to hear from Jennie that she loves me and appreciates the things you're doing. Have you discussed this with your wife? Have you told her that you don't mind doing extra chores because, while you'd rather not do them, you know their necessary, but you feel a little overwhelmed and need some encouragement.

That said, don't do something just to get praise, but if you're feeling overwhelmed, take a break. We all need a break.

[homeschoolmom]

Some dude will have to help you with the resentment... I'll help you with the nuts and bolts.

Your home will never be as clean again-- get used to it. Only do what has to get done and never mind the rest. Hopefully your wife will hit a nesting stage and be well enough to act on it.

You will also not be getting nearly as much sleep in the future as you are right now. Both of you should get as much rest as you can.

If you have a crock pot, use it. If you don't. Get one. Stick stuff in it in the morning and you won't have to cook at night. They are mighty handy. You can make enough in a crock pot for dinner one night and leftovers the next day. (They are good for people on a budget, too, as they make tender cheaper cuts of meat.)

If this is the first part of her pregnancy, she should be waking up and perking up soon. If it's later, she might be in for a long time of being tired/ill. Imagine having the flu for 40 weeks.

[prose]

After I had my first baby I had BRUTAL depression. My hubby would go to work, and when he came home, I was in the same place on the couch as when he left, most of the time crying.

Even SEEING what I was going through, he was resentful a bit. He saw me on the couch all day with a baby crying, and me crying, and a messy house, and I am sure he didn't want to come home sometimes.

That being said, I will give you what helped me. I know I wasn't preggers when we went through it, but it is a similar situation.

He would tell me he loved me, clean the kitchen or something, and then go online and complain to people about it so that he had somewhere to vent.

Seems to me that you and him think alike

[StColette]

[quote name='homeschoolmom' post='1630533' date='Aug 18 2008, 12:45 PM']Imagine having the flu for 40 weeks.[/quote]

Could not have said it better myself!

[StColette]

[quote name='Raphael' post='1630460' date='Aug 18 2008, 11:42 AM']It can be a challenge, but that said, in the words of Janet Smith, the purpose of parenthood is to make adults out of the parents. First, realize that pregnant women need to rest. Second, find your priorities. Jennie and I have not had a very clean apartment since she got pregnant. It's not because I let everything go, either...I cover most of the chores, but I also wasn't going to let it stress me out. It's important to be a man and not let chores and responsibilities get you down, but it's also important to know your limits. If you're getting resentful, try spending some time with your wife and ask yourself if it's really necessary that this or that chore gets done right now.

When Jen and I found out she was pregnant, she told me, "call me on if I try to take advantage of the pregnancy." She knew it might be a temptation to just lay around and not do anything. It is true that that could be a problem, but she has done a lot around our apartment to help out and I appreciate it. :-) That said, it's still my job to take care of anything she can't do. Get used to it...chores will only increase once babies come, and your time to do them will decrease. You won't have as much free time, but hopefully you'll learn how to make your free time quality time.

As for getting positive reinforcement...I am a fairly needy person emotionally. I need to hear from Jennie that she loves me and appreciates the things you're doing. Have you discussed this with your wife? Have you told her that you don't mind doing extra chores because, while you'd rather not do them, you know their necessary, but you feel a little overwhelmed and need some encouragement.

That said, don't do something just to get praise, but if you're feeling overwhelmed, take a break. We all need a break.[/quote]

I love you

Adam,

I really hope your wife has it easy after the first trimester. Lucky me, I'm still stuck with horrible morning sickness which has to be controlled with meds. Let your wife know how you are feeling. There are probably times throughout the day where she could do little chores. Laundry is relatively easy. She might get it washed and not folded but hey every little bit helps. But definitely speak with her about this.

I believe its a big temptation to try and take advantage of being pregnant. As Micah stated, I told him right off to not let me get away with laying around and doing nothing when I know it really isn't necessary. She must also come to grips with understanding that she may not be capable of doing a lot of the things that she did before. I felt absolutely lost and scared at the fact that I couldn't physically handle a lot of the things that I could before. It's definitely a shot of humility or at least it was for me. I felt absolutely horrible for having to hand over so much to Micah, especially early on. He actually got onto me for not waking him up at night when I needed something. Instead I would go stumbling around in the dark (very dangerous!) getting what I needed. She may be struggling with these things as well and might be scared to speak to you about them because she might feel like such a burden already. But please, don't let it go too far. Speak with her, she'll understand and probably has some of her own struggles and fears about this time period that she wishes to express to you.

[Brother Adam]

[quote name='VoloHumilisEsse' post='1628583' date='Aug 16 2008, 01:40 AM']How do you deal with or prevent feeling resentment towards your wife while she is pregnant?

I find it mentally and physically challenging to go to work and come home and meet my wife laying on the couch watching television because she is not feeling well right now. That means that dinner and house chores fall on me. I dont want to sound like I am whining, but it is a struggle to feel like I am doing a good job because she is feeling bad and is in not the greatest mood to give me positive reinforcement.

I know I need to pray about it, but there has to be someone else who has gone through this and has some practical advice about this situation.

Thanks, God bless

Adam[/quote]

Adam,

I understand where you are coming from and you got some really excellent advice on this thread. I dealt with those feelings a little bit with our second, but then I realized that my wife was literally working hard 24/7 to make another human being. And this wasn't just brain work, but demanding physical labor on her body - and she had to do it while sick and throwing up. I decided that when I went to work and had to do the same thing then I could be upset. I put myself in her shoes and realized that if I was going through the same thing I'd probably be FAR worse than my wife as I am a man.

Adam

[dUSt]

Just do what I did and stay at the office for like 18 hrs a day surfing the internet. Only go home to sleep. That way you only have to deal with your wife a maximum of about 1/2 hour a day.

[Thy Geekdom Come]

[quote name='Brother Adam' post='1630568' date='Aug 18 2008, 01:37 PM']Adam,

I understand where you are coming from and you got some really excellent advice on this thread. I dealt with those feelings a little bit with our second, but then I realized that my wife was literally working hard 24/7 to make another human being. And this wasn't just brain work, but demanding physical labor on her body - and she had to do it while sick and throwing up. I decided that when I went to work and had to do the same thing then I could be upset. I put myself in her shoes and realized that if I was going through the same thing I'd probably be FAR worse than my wife as I am a man.

Adam[/quote]
I have a really hard time imagining you pregnant, but after putting in the effort, it's pretty funny.

[StColette]

[quote name='Raphael' post='1630612' date='Aug 18 2008, 02:36 PM']I have a really hard time imagining you pregnant, but after putting in the effort, it's pretty funny.[/quote]

ROFL!!! Great mental picture!

[Balthazor]

[quote name='StColette' post='1630618' date='Aug 18 2008, 01:40 PM']ROFL!!! Great mental picture![/quote]


That is pretty funny !