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Self-image, Relationships, Etc.


Anastasia13

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Hi

Ok so I met this man through a friend at a convention this summer, 12 years old than me, handsome, funny, intelligent, has a masters and teaches computers, trained in singing, can play instruments, wrote a Christian book and has a Christian website, prays even when he eats out, writes things like screen plays to help pay bills, and is an aspiring actor who loves Jesus even though he's been through a rough time the last year or year and a half. In short, the kind of guy I crush hard and fast on and makes me heart beat faster whenever I think of him. We met when I was dressed a little different from usual, but I do want a little more clothing like that and he thought I was cute. He lives a just over an hour away and we used to chat a bit online. We've met in person again at a birthday party and for sushi with a friend of mine who I was visiting who lives close to him. Now we don't chat as much.

The week before last I was up late and he IMed to see if I was there and that was it, which I'm not used to people doing, so I was like "Oh hello and good night, that's polite." He said I was confusing, and I asked on myspace if I was in general confusing and he said I was confusing on AIM, "Sometimes it is hard to talk to you because you seem ready to be mad at me." I guess maybe I try to not be as nice because I think he is nice enough I can get away with a little or more so because then I can have my thinking much less of me compared to him* validated if he stops talking to me, and I want him to like me for me and not for the perfect person I've typically pretended to be in times past with acquaintences.

Anyways, I miss chatting with him. Even if I have ruined any romantic chances with him, which it would probably be too soon for anyways, he is a good person and I think I would still like to continue being friends with. I don't know how.

[size=1]*This is one of several reasons why I want to learn a bit about how to play guitar and then take up the violin again.[/size]

Edited by Light and Truth
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ok, i'll try to help out. If I understand correctly this guy seems like an awesome christian that much seems certain, but it seems like he's starting to not be into you because of a few chats on aim?? That seems dumb, especially if you've actually hung out in person before the aim stuff. Once you hang out in person you should have a general idea about a person and not write them off because of a few mispoken lines of chat...anyone with 2 minutes of instant messaging experience knows that theres a high level of possibile misinterpretation and they should account for that...it seems fishy to me. You clearly didnt do anything wrong.

another thing that bothers me is the age difference. Now I don't know how old you are, but age difference can matter. If different people are at different points in their life, ie: college, highschool, just out of college... they have different needs and different levels of maturity. For instance im a few years out of colege, and I can already tell that there are girls who are in college now, just a few years younger than me, who are at a totally different place in their life at the moment than me and it wouldnt work.

ALSO, one more piece of advice if you dont mind is to be careful about crushing. Sometimes our crush-based-expectations fog us up, and make us want to skip the crucial get-to-know-you stage of friendship. And by getting to know a person I mean who they are and how they treat people and what kind of friend they are, not a bullit-point list like a resume (though that is important too). It's the old axim: friends-first. You cant build a mansion without laying the foundation of friendship.

(ya, all that, could someone tell ME that, so maybe I could follow my own advice.. lol..)

anyway, i hope that helps a little

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I agree, it is more then likely an age difference. I have no idea how old you are, but say you are 17, well he would be 29, far too old for you at this point. Accept him as an acquaintance and move on. If a guy is interested, trust me he will pursue. It might be nothing you said or did, but possibly he realizes that the differences in the ages does matter.
Lots of fishes in that sea, look for someone around your age

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We did spend more than two minutes chatting, at least a few hours.

[quote name='Sirklawd' post='1662629' date='Sep 24 2008, 08:30 AM']another thing that bothers me is the age difference. Now I don't know how old you are, but age difference can matter. If different people are at different points in their life, ie: college, highschool, just out of college... they have different needs and different levels of maturity. For instance im a few years out of colege, and I can already tell that there are girls who are in college now, just a few years younger than me, who are at a totally different place in their life at the moment than me and it wouldnt work.[/quote]
Well that's kind of disappointing on another topic. I'll have more in common with guys 4 years younger than my than I will with many guys my own age when I finish college. I'm about to be 25, and I'll graduate at 26. If I don't want to date a guy several years younger than me, do I just not date for a couple years?

Edited by Light and Truth
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ya, you seem young. 12 years is a lot when you're young. from what you've said it doesn't seem like a big deal because nothing really happened. there is nothing going on, and so nothing to worry much about. it sounds like the feelings are just a puppy crush. if God wants this guy to be for you, he would have, or will do, more things to make it happen.

if you are thinking about it more than you should, then i would see that as a red flag. honestly, you sound like a teenager in high school, in which case this man would be dangerous. just let it go, worry about following God better, and let God control your love life. let God be the love of your life first, and the rest will come!

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[quote name='johnnydigit' post='1670084' date='Oct 4 2008, 05:57 AM']ya, you seem young. 12 years is a lot when you're young. from what you've said it doesn't seem like a big deal because nothing really happened. there is nothing going on, and so nothing to worry much about. it sounds like the feelings are just a puppy crush. if God wants this guy to be for you, he would have, or will do, more things to make it happen.

if you are thinking about it more than you should, then i would see that as a red flag. honestly, you sound like a teenager in high school, in which case this man would be dangerous. just let it go, worry about following God better, and let God control your love life. let God be the love of your life first, and the rest will come![/quote]

Fail.

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missionseeker

[quote name='Light and Truth' post='1665374' date='Sep 27 2008, 09:37 PM']We did spend more than two minutes chatting, at least a few hours.


Well that's kind of disappointing on another topic. I'll have more in common with guys 4 years younger than my than I will with many guys my own age when I finish college. I'm about to be 25, and I'll graduate at 26. If I don't want to date a guy several years younger than me, do I just not date for a couple years?[/quote]

My uncle is 11 years older than his wife.

I don't know what to tell you, but lots of prayers and hugs. And age difference... well, there are limits. But you know yours.

I do know.. I had a friend, and we had a mostly online communication relationship (it's a long story) Anyway... it was a BAD idea. If you can avoid the internet as a main means of communication, I would.

[quote name='Paddington' post='1670119' date='Oct 4 2008, 07:15 AM']Fail.[/quote]

thank you.


Honestly, people, stop being so condescending. She SAID what her age was. "You sound thus and such" is downright insulting.

Edited by missionseeker
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Considering I look younger than I am and have guys several years younger than me asking me if I would be into them, I'm almost not surprised I sound young. (One thing that I wish was not the case.)

What I'm not sure people here get is that I am primarily asking about [b]platonic[/b] relationship status. I assume I will forget about inviting him to a big dinner out with friends for my birthday. Do I JUST forget any chance of being friends? Do we only talk if we happen to be in person around mutual friends?

On the romantic level, my [i]general[/i] question replying to an earlier post is about maturity and school has not been answered, but I can come back that in another thread and another post.

Edited by Light and Truth
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You are attracted to certain traits in this gentleman that you would consider for husband material. I think that is wonderful. You look for a Godly man. A sucessfull man and one who sounds to be a bit adventurous. I think you are doing what all girls do your age. I think knowing what you want in a husband helps you to find the lasting relationship that we all seek or have sought. There is no problem inviting,hanging around and talking to someone you find admirable. As long as you realize that you yourself in these next ten years or so of your life ,there will be monumental changes in the way you act, think ,feel and most of all, find attractive in a man.

I am not the same person that I was ten years ago. Going from your mid 20's to your mid 30's is very big. You go from uncertain to established,....hopefully :unsure: The most important thing that I cued in on is when you said that you want people to like you for who you really are. Something about clothes??? Really, I think more importantly,this is really about what you are seeking!!! Who are you really? .....and what do you want out of life? You do not have to be anything but who God made. The right person will see that and fall in love. Well that is my $.02 good Luck! JC

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[quote name='missionseeker' post='1670311' date='Oct 4 2008, 01:34 PM']Honestly, people, stop being so condescending. She SAID what her age was. "You sound thus and such" is downright insulting.[/quote]

didn't mean to sound insulting, but i did want to point out the naivety of the story thus far. she doesn't sound to have much experience/maturity with relationships (not a bad thing). getting involved with an older guy in this scenario just sounds bad.

let's look at some cues:

"12 years old than me..has a masters" -if she's 25, he's 37. that's a bit older in this culture. he's a professional with a masters, so he sounds established. for this type of man, it would be more fitting to see him with someone who is near his age, or someone young but more mature for her age.

"I crush hard and fast on and makes me heart beat faster whenever I think of him." -crushing. butterflies? nothing wrong with that, but it does sound like something from a high school movie.

"we used to chat a bit online... Now we don't chat as much." -mkay.

"The week before last I was up late and he IMed.. I asked on myspace.. Anyways, I miss chatting with him." -cool i guess. beware the mask of the internet can provide, even if you've met. just like "knowing" someone on the phone. it's not the same in person.



please don't get me wrong, these are actually wonderful things and she is perfect the way God intended her. i would prefer it for my own daughter if i had one. she sounds precious and innocent compared to whats out there. in this culture we are forced to grow up way too fast. i would prefer she meet someone who was more similar to her in age.

given the limited information, he could possibly be "the one" or he couldn't, we don't know. however, wisdom raises the red flag to take caution. consult a priest, solid Catholic couples, or people involved in the marriage preparation programs at church.

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[quote name='johnnydigit' post='1671334' date='Oct 5 2008, 11:32 PM']given the limited information, he could possibly be "the one" or he couldn't, we don't know. however, wisdom raises the red flag to take caution. consult a priest, solid Catholic couples, or people involved in the marriage preparation programs at church.[/quote]
Gees! Do platonic relationships not exist between men and women here? Yes, I don't have much experience in romantic relationships. Honestly, I don't find most guys that attractive either, plus there is the fact that most guys I know are three years younger than me. I don't need to be analyzed to death. I never meant to ask is he the one or how do I get him back as a lover! I'm tired of the romantic implications. Sorry I ever meantioned that. Sheesh. Next time I'll ask on another website where people actually get what I am asking about. Can't you just say you don't believe in platonic mixed gender friendships? I'm sorry if I am rude here, but I am a bit annoyed because I feel like this part isn't coming across.

I get that he might not be, nay, probably is not the one, and even if he was, it would have to wait a year or two, cause I need to finish my degree before I will be free for a serious relationship because I'm in school and want to change some things about myself first to be more the kind of person I want to be with. I was just kind of hoping he and I could still chat sometimes and we have a couple mutual friends, so it's possible we could both be invited to an event with a friend unless one of us avoided the other.

Edited by Light and Truth
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[quote name='Light and Truth' post='1671344' date='Oct 6 2008, 12:07 AM']Gees! Do platonic relationships not exist between men and women here? Yes, I don't have much experience in romantic relationships. Honestly, I don't find most guys that attractive either, plus there is the fact that most guys I know are three years younger than me. I don't need to be analyzed to death. I never meant to ask is he the one or how do I get him back as a lover! I'm tired of the romantic implications. Sorry I ever meantioned that. Sheesh. Next time I'll ask on another website where people actually get what I am asking about. Can't you just say you don't believe in platonic mixed gender friendships? I'm sorry if I am rude here, but I am a bit annoyed because I feel like this part isn't coming across.

I get that he might not be, nay, probably is not the one, and even if he was, it would have to wait a year or two, cause I need to finish my degree before I will be free for a serious relationship because I'm in school and want to change some things about myself first to be more the kind of person I want to be with. I was just kind of hoping he and I could still chat sometimes and we have a couple mutual friends, so it's possible we could both be invited to an event with a friend unless one of us avoided the other.[/quote]

i understand your frustration, but be honest with what it is that you really want versus what would be wisest for you now. take it to prayer. consult a spiritual director. read up on Theology of the Body. Jason Evert. [url="http://www.chastity.com/chastity/index.php?id=7&cat=Dating"]http://www.chastity.com/chastity/index.php...&cat=Dating[/url]

you can go to as many websites as you want to hear what you want to hear that is pleasing at the moment. here i would rather hear the cold truth, no matter how hard, so that i can do what is wise.

wisdom: learning from the experience of others so that i do not make the same mistakes.

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So johnnydigit, your answer if you don't think it is wise to try to be friends with him because it's like too romantically charged or whatnot in my head or something?

I'm not asking for a diff answer, just one that connects more directly to my question. I'm not that bright sometimes, so you have to connect some dots for me and spell out the simple and sweet version. Do I understand correctly that you don't think a platonic relationship can exist and therefore any relationship with the guy is a bad idea? Is that what you are saying?

Edited by Light and Truth
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AIM chats can be misleading. Say you're sorry for any confusion and try chatting again if its what you want, platonic or otherwise.

I'd say don't worry about the age; you're 25 not 17.

As a personal insight... I would say that if you're stressing this much over this guy, maybe its more than just platonic? Which isn't a bad thing at all. Either way, you're not actually dating him right now, so it really doesn't matter.

I'd say I was sorry, and try again.

You'd be amazed at what a genuine 'I'm sorry, I was a bit rude' can do (if you truly are).

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