It's Time To Break My Silence.

[MissyP89]

We as a phamily have been talking a lot about addictions and our own struggles this week, and ironically I’d been planning something of my own long before this even started.

But this is not a testimony. This is just the cry of one woman’s heart to every other woman here, and to the men that live with and love them.

I want to talk about sexual sin.

I want to talk about sexual sin because for far too long, too many of us have thought it best to remain silent.

I’m tired of keeping it in the confessional. I’m tired of refraining for fear of causing scandal. Do you want to know what scandal really is? It’s hiding the truth for fear of who we might offend.

The truth is that women are addicted, too. We are addicted and selfish and prone to use.

But more than that, we are isolated in our addiction.

Have you ever noticed that when we do discuss sexual sin, it’s always from a man’s perspective? That’s because it’s not ladylike to talk about sex – not with each other, and certainly not in mixed company.

We’ve been raised to believe we can’t discuss sexuality with a man, not only because of bad decorum but also because of temptation. We cannot lead our brothers to sin, they tell us.

With confessing my litany of escapades to a priest comes a secret fear: am I tempting him? Is he judging me? Worse yet, is he thinking of the things that I am forced to describe in my shame?

Each of us, in that painful moment with our heads buried in our hands, unable to meet his eyes, know intimately what Mary Magdalene felt upon meeting Jesus.

We cannot confide in our husbands or our significant others. Sometimes, we worry it will give them an excuse to sin, or sin again. Other times, we fear hurting them and appearing unfaithful or unloving because of our addictions that we can no longer control.

Men have always had each other. How often do we hear that 98% of men have fallen into sin? It’s common knowledge that men fight their battles. If one should reach out to another, there’s no shame there.

But women have placed a stigma on one another. We are not only women who are addicted. Instead, we are selfish. We have no self-respect. We have no manners. We’re whores. And no woman wants to be known by that name, even if it’s only implied in the reactions of those she dares to confide in: “Oh. That’s tough. I’ll pray for you.”

We seek help, but often we find no one brave enough to say, “Yes, me too. You are not alone.”

I want that to stop. So I am going to say it.

Women, my sisters, you are not broken beyond repair and you are not alone.
After ten miserable years of my life struggling with masturbation and porn, by God’s grace I am finally (finally, finally, FINALLY) free. I’ve been clean for six months tomorrow. 185 glorious scary, tough, glorious days.

Even typing that feels like a bad omen.

I have used myself and used men like pieces in a chess game. I have sat up at night crying and cursing God for giving me these crosses. I have looked into the eyes of a man who loves me more than I can express and been afraid to touch him for fear of what might happen.

Allow me just a sentence to say I’m sorry, both to the men I’ve wounded and the women I’ve let down in my example.

And allow me the chance to say to every woman here that it is OKAY to stand up and be honest in your weakness. You will be supported and loved in your weakness AND your bravery.

Sin breeds in the dark, kept down by fear and isolation and shame. The first way to beat it is to flush it into the light.

It has been a long and bitter fight, but with confidence in God’s grace and the support of a few precious souls, I have [i]won. [/i]If it was possible for me in all my despair, then it is possible for anyone.

Reach out to each other. Be bold in seeking support and seeking God. And most of all, be not afraid.

AMDG,
Melissa

Edited February 26, 2012 by MissyP89

[Lil Red]

you are amazing! thank you for writing this!

i will also encourage married women out there to stand strong! From my own perspective, it is sometimes hard to be chaste, especially when your spouse does not always share the same values and does not help to encourage you, but sometimes acts as a conduit of temptation.

Remember, there is always His mercy to be found, especially in the Sacrament of Confession.

[PhuturePriest]

[quote name='MissyP89' timestamp='1330288848' post='2393286']
We as a phamily have been talking a lot about addictions and our own struggles this week, and ironically I’d been planning something of my own long before this even started.

But this is not a testimony. This is just the cry of one woman’s heart to every other woman here, and to the men that live with and love them.

I want to talk about sexual sin.

I want to talk about sexual sin because for far too long, too many of us have thought it best to remain silent.

I’m tired of keeping it in the confessional. I’m tired of refraining for fear of causing scandal. Do you want to know what scandal really is? It’s hiding the truth for fear of who we might offend.

The truth is that women are addicted, too. We are addicted and selfish and prone to use.

But more than that, we are isolated in our addiction.

Have you ever noticed that when we do discuss sexual sin, it’s always from a man’s perspective? That’s because it’s not ladylike to talk about sex – not with each other, and certainly not in mixed company.

We’ve been raised to believe we can’t discuss sexuality with a man, not only because of bad decorum but also because of temptation. We cannot lead our brothers to sin, they tell us.

With confessing my litany of escapades to a priest comes a secret fear: am I tempting him? Is he judging me? Worse yet, is he thinking of the things that I am forced to describe in my shame?

Each of us, in that painful moment with our heads buried in our hands, unable to meet his eyes, know intimately what Mary Magdalene felt upon meeting Jesus.

We cannot confide in our husbands or our significant others. Sometimes, we worry it will give them an excuse to sin, or sin again. Other times, we fear hurting them and appearing unfaithful or unloving because of our addictions that we can no longer control.

Men have always had each other. How often do we hear that 98% of men have fallen into sin? It’s common knowledge that men fight their battles. If one should reach out to another, there’s no shame there.

But women have placed a stigma on one another. We are not only women who are addicted. Instead, we are selfish. We have no self-respect. We have no manners. We’re whores. And no woman wants to be known by that name, even if it’s only implied in the reactions of those she dares to confide in: “Oh. That’s tough. I’ll pray for you.”

We seek help, but often we find no one brave enough to say, “Yes, me too. You are not alone.”

I want that to stop. So I am going to say it.

Women, my sisters, you are not broken beyond repair and you are not alone.
After ten miserable years of my life struggling with masturbation and porn, by God’s grace I am finally (finally, finally, FINALLY) free. I’ve been clean for six months tomorrow. 185 glorious scary, tough, glorious days.

Even typing that feels like a bad omen.

I have used myself and used men like pieces in a chess game. I have sat up at night crying and cursing God for giving me these crosses. I have looked into the eyes of a man who loves me more than I can express and been afraid to touch him for fear of what might happen.

Allow me just a sentence to say I’m sorry, both to the men I’ve wounded and the women I’ve let down in my example.

And allow me the chance to say to every woman here that it is OKAY to stand up and be honest in your weakness. You will be supported and loved in your weakness AND your bravery.

Sin breeds in the dark, kept down by fear and isolation and shame. The first way to beat it is to flush it into the light.

It has been a long and bitter fight, but with confidence in God’s grace and the support of a few precious souls, I have [i]won. [/i]If it was possible for me in all my despair, then it is possible for anyone.

Reach out to each other. Be bold in seeking support and seeking God. And most of all, be not afraid.

AMDG,
Melissa
[/quote]

I am overjoyed to hear that you are finally free! I too know this feeling. It's one of the greatest joys in life when you realize that you are nobody's slave except God's. I had an addiction to masturbation that lasted around three and a half years. Though I was never addicted to pornography, I used it just about every time I gave into temptation to masturbate. What finally helped me to break the addiction was when I started praying around February of last year. Because of it, I suddenly realized my call to the Priesthood, and my relationship with God along with my calling finally helped me to utterly crush my addiction in late July of last year, and it has been seven months since that glorious victory. Now, I am happier, and I have great relationships with everyone I know, as I am able to love people more now that I do not hold my selfishness above others. My selfishness has turned into selflessness, and I want nothing more than to sacrifice my sexuality and serve God as either a Diocesan Priest or as a Franciscan Priest with the Franciscan Brothers Minor. I want nothing more than to die to myself, and to give everything up for others. I no longer worry about what I want, but what others want, and this has made me truly happy. I thank you for posting this and I hope that both men and women will be inspired by your long struggle that finally had a happy ending. May God bless you on your journey, and rejoice: you have finally succeeded in choosing God over yourself. It's not easy in the first few months, as you know, but by now, I think we have both realized just how much more fulfilling it is.

Edited February 26, 2012 by FuturePriest387

[CatherineM]

With the images that are thrown at young women, I can't imagine how hard it is to turn away. In a sexuality class where I was the only female, non-seminarian, I had to really fight that women have issues with chastity just as much as men. They didn't believe it, or they just didn't get it.

We are only as sick as our secrets.

[eagle_eye222001]

Amazing as Lil' Red said.

I have a deep profound respect for people who admit their fall and rise. Human nature makes us lean towards labeling certain people as saints on earth even if we do not mean to necessarily. Reminding each other that we all have our crosses and paths yields great comfort in our journey together towards Truth.

That being said, I'm not a saint yet. But I am on the way.

[Selah]

I don't what I can say that has not already been said. <3 you Missy

[beatitude]

Thank you for writing this. Your bravery is beautiful, and there is truth in every last one of your sentences. What you wrote about Mary Magdalene meeting Jesus is brilliant. Of course it must have been like that for her, but how many of us have ever thought about their meeting in that way? The same with the Samaritan woman at the well. I will never understand the way women's desire has been denied and downplayed over the centuries. It makes no sense.

I have never used porn (it never appealed, as it was always strongly connected in my mind with rape and abuse) and I don't masturbate. But I've had purity struggles of my own in the past, involving two ex-boyfriends. I never slept with them but we got far too intimate. Ironically, looking back, I can see that those encounters were driven by loneliness and fear. I knew that I was called to a celibate life, and I was also going through a rough few years - I wanted to run from the whole idea of a single life and find someone to hold me. This was when I started to realise that sexual sin is about something far deeper than the sex. It's about not feeling truly at home in yourself as you are. It's lack of trust, and a willingness to sacrifice personal integrity in order to find temporary comfort.

Now I am joining a secular institute, and God willing, one day I will make vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience. When people talk about nuns, religious sisters, or single laywomen like me, they often mention giving up the chance to have babies as the big sacrifice. They rarely if ever mention the sex. Now, I don't have that maternal instinct. Perhaps I'm still too young to feel it. But it is tough, very tough, to be a young woman who feels desire for someone and to know that this desire can never be gratified through sex. This needs to be out in the open, the fact that women feel desire - an obvious fact, but something that is so often totally ignored. The silence surrounding women's desire creates this idea that it's shameful in and of itself, and once you start believing that your most natural feelings are shameful, the guilt you feel can nudge you into doing anything. Part of living a chaste life means being able to yell cheerfully and truthfully, "I feel and it's OK that I feel!"

[Archaeology cat]

Yes! As Red said, chastity within marriage can also be a challenge. You are right, Missy, that women don't speak of it because of the shame and judgement. Really, that goes beyond sexual sin, as it can apply to many things with which we women struggle. But bringing it into the light les us know we aren't alone, and helps us to fight it.

[sixpence]

Missy thank you for posting this!!!

You are SO right. Many guys have no problem coming out with this stuff, since society makes it seem kind of "normal" for guys. I know I have felt like there is hardly anyone I can talk to about this. I find it is the one thing I have had to really struggle to say in confession, NEVERMIND to anyone else. I feel exactly what you said. If I talked to a guy friend about it I would worry about causing them to sin by thinking about it, and I fear talking to girls about it since NO ONE talks about it, and we feel like NO ONE else must have this problem.
I started developing this habit when I was so young that I didn't even know what it was that I was doing, and by the time I found out what the heck I was doing, I was already addicted. It only got worse from there, until 3 years ago on Ash Wednesday. I don't even remember what the homily was, but something the priest said caused me to do a 180. Since then I have messed up again a couple of times, mainly at times when I already felt like a helpless mess due to other problems in my life. I know for me, chastity is still a struggle, but knowing I am not alone is nice. Thanks again for posting! Prayers!

[i<3LSOP]

Missy, you are amazing.

[BG45]

You still rock sis, as always!

[Adrestia]

Word. It's also really difficult for me to confess sexual sins for fear of tempting the priests. When I lived in ATL I had a community of women that I trusted to talk to about these things, but I can hardly even find people to go to church with out here. The Lord never intended us to feel alone in our struggles. We are supposed to support each other. I'm glad I have a great phamily since my local Catholic community is weak. Thank you all so much!

Edited February 27, 2012 by Adrestia

[loveletslive]

thanks for talking about what seems to be a really "taboo" topic in society and in the church!

Edited February 27, 2012 by loveletslive

[mysisterisalittlesister]

I love you, Missy. I will never stop admiring you

[arfink]

Thanks for sharing this.

Also, as a man, I can wholeheartedly say that young women who do struggle with this need not be afraid of scaring away young Catholic men as a result. Also, don't fear tempting anyone by admitting your sin. Believe it or not, the very fact that you can mention this is a sin you struggle with is going to be a big wakeup call for us guys.

And don't take this as flirting, but at least for myself, knowing there are flawed women like you to "look forward to" is a real motivator.

I won't say a whole lot more than that, since I've already said a bunch on this topic in the past. God Bless.

Edited February 27, 2012 by arfink