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That's All, Folks! Or So I Thought...


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Marigold, you have been very much in my thoughts and prayers in the last week....and now here you are!

 

Thank you for having the humility to post as you did, and it sounds, once more as if He knew exactly what was afoot in your previous experiences, as you have grown in understanding as a result. He is so wonderful in the ways He brings us to understanding ourselves and His will, turning what at first are painful and difficult experiences into glowing gold as He manifests His Mercy.

 

My continued prayer for you in whatever way He leads.

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Hi everyone! I just popped in to see how everyone is, and thought I'd let you know that I decided to stay at the community and am officially a novice. Unfortunately that means paperwork, so I'm out of

By your prayers, I have a paperwork interview on Christmas Eve, and 1-2 weeks after that, I should be free to go home to the monastery.

Just wanted to say thanks to you guys on VS for being such a great ongoing part of my life. I'm logging out at the end of this weekend, and going back to the monastery during the coming week, and hope

I've mostly stopped being furious and upset with the community :) and have looked very hard at my life and everything that went into entering the convent - some very ugly things inside me! - and seeing just how much in 'My Vocation' was illusion, delusion, fear, wishful thinking, idealism, self-hatred, self-love, control...

...

Recently I went back and read through this thread, and my original entering thread. I was so different, and so high on it, completely sure of myself and of God - it's strange, I can't even remember a lot of things about the decisions and lead-up to entering - that I think I flung myself so headlong into it that I didn't even conceive of danger.

 

I have seen this happen before to others (and to some extent to myself.)  May I ask, did you have a spiritual director from outside the monastery helping you with the decision?   If so, what role did they play in entering, leaving, and afterwards?

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When I think now what a massive thing it is to enter - to really enter, body and soul - I can't believe that anyone is ever brave enough to try. I can't get that innocence back (maybe wouldn't want to), but I've had to go all the way down to the bottom and somehow still want to give my life to God as a nun. So either I am a total lunatic, or I really am supposed to be going through all of this. :)

 

Good to read from you! You are still in my prayers!

 

And in a way, although I am continuing my journey within my community as a novice, I can relate to what you write. The more I am here, the more trials I am facing which make me grow but which are not easy, the more I think "oh my, if I had known all of that before...." Having lived as a volunteer with another community of sisters for a year with definetly not a very "saintly" community life, I had not a lot of "paradise-images" of nuns, not at all.

 

But still, what you write - to really enter, body and soul.... This is a massive step, I realize now after my first steps - and maybe one needs a  bit of this innocence.

 

I will pray for you and for your desire to give your life to God.

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I've had to go all the way down to the bottom and somehow still want to give my life to God as a nun. So either I am a total lunatic, or I really am supposed to be going through all of this. :)

 

Gosh how I understand *that* statement.

 

And I get to say this much ... I have come to realize that even when you *think* you "go all the way to the bottom", you don't!.

 

I came to this awesome-striking realization during the 30 day exercises.  Where I came to realize that I hit the "bottom" that the Lord allowed me to hit -- because He *knew* I couldn't stand to go deeper/lower.

 

Having said that (terrifying yet awe-striking) note, it is still awesome/great when you *do* hit that level that God allows.  Because it leads to great growth.

 

And yep ... to the world you're probably a lunatic, even for having tried religious life, but it all turns out to be part of the fabric that God weaves in your life.

 

Nice to hear from you!

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I have seen this happen before to others (and to some extent to myself.)  May I ask, did you have a spiritual director from outside the monastery helping you with the decision?   If so, what role did they play in entering, leaving, and afterwards?

 

My father-confessor has been one of the most supportive before, during and after. He initially gave the go-ahead to visit the community, and encouraged me when I decided to enter - even taking up a collection from the parish for plane tickets! Obviously he's here and the community is in the U.S., so he never did meet them personally, but to his credit he is still being supportive and has talked through with me a lot of the things that went wrong. Not denying the mistakes I made but also telling me that leaving was the right thing to do because it was so unhealthy. Recently he said, 'Enjoy your life now, and when the time is right, find the right monastery by trial and error.'

 

PS Thank you for the prayers and encouragement, everyone :)

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Not denying the mistakes I made but also telling me that leaving was the right thing to do because it was so unhealthy.

 

thanks for the reply.  I don't at all doubt that your leaving was the right thing ;)  I'm more curious about the entering. 

 

What could be very helpful to others are your thoughts on what mistakes if any you made prior to entering, what you may have done differently, and what you would do differently next time around. 

 

I understand these things might be personal and/or you might need more time to have an objective view of what happened, but if you get to that point feel free to share so that others who come after you could also benefit from your experience.

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Marigold, it's good to hear from you! I for one, really appreciate the fact that you are sharing your thoughts with us during this time in your life. THANK YOU for helping us (read: me!) to understand some things we might not have thought of otherwise.

 

Also, I'm sort of a "Doctor Who" fan and one thing the character says frequently is: "I'm just a mad man with a box." Well, sometimes I think WE are just mad men / women with a box (I mean the tabernacle that holds the Most Blessed Sacrament). We don't understand a darn thing about what to do, what to think, etc. BUT we know that what is (who is) in the "box" is real.

 

If He's real, then He has a real, possible, livable life planned for each of us. Somehow or other, everything will work out as He really wants it to. 

 

Again, thank you! I will keep you in my prayers!

 

 

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thanks for the reply. I don't at all doubt that your leaving was the right thing ;) I'm more curious about the entering.

What could be very helpful to others are your thoughts on what mistakes if any you made prior to entering, what you may have done differently, and what you would do differently next time around.

I understand these things might be personal and/or you might need more time to have an objective view of what happened, but if you get to that point feel free to share so that others who come after you could also benefit from your experience.


I'm thinking about it. :)
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 Whatever went wrong/was wrong with your community, you were there as a result of trying to be faithful and obedient to your sense of calling.  The fact that the time and the place weren't right doesn't necessarily negate that calling and the experience of hitting the bottom is one that comes to  most of us who try to discern God's will but who discover in the process that God is hidden as well as revealed. 

 

Thank you for this, Carmelshrimp.  I'm in a situation somewhat similar to Marigold's, and these words help, as well as other things you have said on this thread. :)

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  • 6 months later...

Hi Marigold. This is so precious, all the experience you share with us. I've never heard anybody describing my own feelings after having left the community so closely.

 

For me it's at the time the question: actively looking for a monastery? or waiting for God's signs?  I've always felt an inner urge towards searching and so I thought, as long as God gives me the impulse I will follow it.

But at the moment I can't see to the ground. Somehow I wish nothing else but lazing around. Deciding is so arduous. Even if I decide to wait or to do "nothing" i. e. wait for God's initiative, I have to decide that... and time is running. My traineeship has 8 months left and then I have to find a decision for the time to follow.

 

Perhaps you might find a few words to the "how to find the right monastery"-question...

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