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Could I be aromantic and if so, does this mean I should have a celibate life


Anonymous0

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Hi,

For about almost 2 years now (I'm 23), I have felt aromantic, like I don't feel the need or want to be in a relationship. I am worried about this because I think it could mean I am called to live a celibate life. I am totally fine in being single, as I have been like that for the past few years. But I wish I didn't have these feelings. Now I am seeing a guy with whom I have an amazing time whenever we are together but the feeling of not wanting anything with any guy is still there, and I find this very frustrating. Can this be a sign of God that I might have a vocation to celibacy?

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If you are worried, fear not - you aren't called to a life you fear will be forced upon you.

I don't think it is unusual for certain people to be without romantic attractions, perhaps periodically, if not permanently. (Most of us celibates still have attractions - not that we do anything with them.) There can be many reasons that influence not wanting to be in a relationship - perhaps being devoted to a work goal, or education, and being immersed in this. 

You're only 23. Don't worry that you'll be forced into permanent celibacy, or that you must marry. Lots of unmarried people have rich, full lives, but you may still find that you are going to marry late. 

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Thank you for your reply. 

My issue now is that the more time I spend with this guy, the more I want to be with him. However I also want to make people around me (friends, colleagues, family) be happy and love them. But by giving myself entirely to one person I limit myself as my priority would be to make 1 specific person happy. I am very stuck. I want to be with this guy AND be able to fulfil the desire of making the people around me as happy as they can be. Has anyone ever experienced these feelings?

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13 hours ago, Anonymous0 said:

Thank you for your reply. 

My issue now is that the more time I spend with this guy, the more I want to be with him. However I also want to make people around me (friends, colleagues, family) be happy and love them. But by giving myself entirely to one person I limit myself as my priority would be to make 1 specific person happy. I am very stuck. I want to be with this guy AND be able to fulfil the desire of making the people around me as happy as they can be. Has anyone ever experienced these feelings?

I think most of us have, at one time or another.  Nothing wrong with that.  You don't relate to every person in the same way.

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You might be overthinking this?  I can't speak to the vocational aspect, but it's normal to worry about boundaries when in a relationship.  Plenty of people maintain friendships/concern over their other loved one's wellbeing when in a relationship?  I've been with my husband for almost eleven years, and I'm not sure I'd describe it as "giving myself entirely to one person."  

Again, I don't have a vocation (I'm not Catholic), but from reading here and elsewhere about the matter, it sounds like it's more a positive commandment––i.e. I feel a call to religious life––rather than a negative one/process of elimination––I don't feel a call to romance, so ergo I must be religious.  Someone feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

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@DisplayNameBlock is correct. A call to religious life should come from the Lord as an invitation, not be considered as an escape or “well if I don’t have x then I should do religious life”. Also almost every sister I’ve spoken to says that it’s important to have a healthy desire for marriage and love, because religious sisters are called to spiritual motherhood and spousal love with Christ. Now does that mean that you can’t join RL if you’re aro? No, not at all. But that shouldn’t be the main prompter. 
 

As for your wanting to spend time with this guy and your friends, I don’t see how entering into a relationship with this guy should be a blocker to you loving your friends! Relationships are exactly what we make them, and you can make sure you have boundaries and are still spending time with friends and loving them well. Loving one person does not “deplete” our love tank. It increases. Now, if you feel strongly called to universal love vs love of one person in marriage, there’s something to look into. But for most vocations, which is marriage, eventually you will be called to prioritize the love of your spouse and children above the time you spend with friends/family etc

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1 hour ago, benedictaaugustine said:

As for your wanting to spend time with this guy and your friends, I don’t see how entering into a relationship with this guy should be a blocker to you loving your friends! Relationships are exactly what we make them, and you can make sure you have boundaries and are still spending time with friends and loving them well. Loving one person does not “deplete” our love tank. It increases

 I fully agree. Teasing tag on: is it really an indirect call to celibacy that you fear? I wonder if you are a bit nervous about falling in love. 

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22 hours ago, Anonymous0 said:

I want to be with this guy AND be able to fulfil the desire of making the people around me as happy as they can be.

I was very struck by this line. Maybe it's the online nature of the post, but this seems like 'people-pleasing,' where one finds self-worth in making the people around them 'happy.' If that's indeed what this desire is, it will not make you or anyone around you happy.  My apologies if I have misread the context here.

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On 1/12/2022 at 9:47 AM, benedictaaugustine said:

Also almost every sister I’ve spoken to says that it’s important to have a healthy desire for marriage and love, because religious sisters are called to spiritual motherhood and spousal love with Christ.

Ah, the fabled "healthy desire for marriage" I have heard so much about. Is there any vocation that doesn't have some spousal element to it? Sometimes I almost get the impression that the Church feels its women need to be married (and so under the headship of either a man or The Man) to keep them out of trouble - and I'm only being a little facetious.

Edited by Lady Grey, Hot
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I keep reading the thread title as "aromatic" rather than "aromantic".  I wonder if maybe I'm coming down with COVID, which affects the sense of smell, I'm told?

Just a joke, folks!

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11 hours ago, Antigonos said:

I keep reading the thread title as "aromatic" rather than "aromantic".  I wonder if maybe I'm coming down with COVID, which affects the sense of smell, I'm told?

Just a joke, folks!

A tasteless joke at that.

;)

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