Particular Friendships In Religious Life

[carmenchristi]

[quote name='IgnatiusofLoyola' timestamp='1309135057' post='2258935']
Off-topic, but Carmen, if you are currently a religious Sister (as it sounds like you are), send a private message to dUSt (the Phatmass owner/administrator) letting him know, and he will give you a super-fantastic, gorgeous "Religious" tag that will show up on your posts, all at no cost to you. I confess I'm not completely sure of the difference between a religious Order and a religious institute, but give the basic details to dUSt, and he'll know if you qualify for the "Religious" tag. Active religious are especially valued in Vocation Station.
[/quote]


Coolness! Thanks for the info... I'll ask!

[FutureSister2009]

I remember when I watched "The Nun" there was one part when they mentioned they can't be "Best buddies" with any particular Sister. They have to have equal love for everyone. I don't know if the same rule applies in all Orders but it makes sense, specifically for Carmel.

[faithcecelia]

[quote name='FutureSister2009' timestamp='1309186029' post='2259069']
I remember when I watched "The Nun" there was one part when they mentioned they can't be "Best buddies" with any particular Sister. They have to have equal love for everyone. I don't know if the same rule applies in all Orders but it makes sense, specifically for Carmel.
[/quote]


Even with equal love, there will be people who you then build friendships with, its natural and healthy. It becomes unhealthy, and potentially dangerous, when these friendships become exclusive with others being shut out, snide whispering etc. Inclusive love for all does not automatically exclude 'particular' friendships. Indeed, some communities have sisters choose a friend to support them especially once they leave the noviciate (a year before solemn profession) and through those first few years without the close support of the NM.

[Sarah147]

Can y'all please explain particular and exclusive friendships and what they entail?

What is the difference between a Religious Institute and Religious Order?

[faithcecelia]

[quote name='JoyfulLife' timestamp='1309192138' post='2259103']
Can y'all please explain particular and exclusive friendships and what they entail?

What is the difference between a Religious Institute and Religious Order?
[/quote]

A particular friendship is where a friendship develops between 2 or more sisters that goes deeper than the friendships they have with the other sisters. This becomes exclusive if the relationship leads to other sisters being left out. For example there were 2 sisters (plus NM) who I was able to share with on a very deep level on Recreation days when we could go for walks in pairs. Occasionally if we were the first 2 at a table in recreation we could exchange brief but personal words. However, we also walked with other sisters, and during recreation we would not seek to sit together without other sisters, and would include them as soon as they joined the table.

I actually experienced it a tiny bit the other way round, bit different but at one recreation the conversation had become too high brow for me and I had no hope of joining in - I was 'excluded', as was our lovely Mary Louisa who was stone deaf and needed slow, clear conversation. As we were too far apart to converse, she looked at me and winked, so telling me she knew we were in the same boat.

[Santa Cruz]

This is a great topic TB. I discerned with an order that did not allow friendships until about 5 years ago. Also in the past, the Community had the "Chapter of Faults" in which Sisters would tell on one another publicly. This not only discouraged friendships but created an environment of suspicion and really, war. Indeed God intended us to be in relationship with one another and so psychologically the Sisters were affected and on various levels they are immature because they did not have friendships. It is something that slowly the Community is recovering from. It will take years. It is not as simple as bringing in new vocations or allowing friendships again. The Sisters have to learn how to be a friend, what a friend is...and naturally the 'weakness' or 'fault' of the professed is being absorbed by the folks in formation.

To my knowledge, this is the only Community that has done this. It is not the norm. Thanks be to God.

Because of my experience discerning with a Community that has suffered as a result of not allowing friendships, I have spent a bit of time praying about it, talking about it with religious and also my Dominican Spiritual Director has taught me some very valuable lessons. As was mentioned earlier, exclusivity is something to be avoided all around in religious life. In addition, Christ should be the center of every relationship, not shared preferences or interests between persons. Friendship should be rooted and grounded in Christ and our desire to grow closer to Christ, to serve Him, to worship Him. In Community it could be easy to build a friendship around something false or even something disobedient. For instance, we may become friends because we both like to talk during times of silence or we both do not like another Sister. That is dangerous. Generally speaking regarding our relationships within the Community, our Sisters are our neighbors and charity is very important and also needed for God's graces to work through us in building up the Body of Christ.

Funny that you quoted Aelred. He was forbidden reading in the Community I was discerning with as was Aquinas, not while I was there but in the recent past. Sad. People need our prayers AND our charity.

Edited June 28, 2011 by Santa Cruz

[praxedes]

This is a good question and I can only give you my opinion based upon experience.

It is natural and human to find attraction (not in an unhealthy manner) to one person over another - perhaps you share common interests, talents, or whatever. Or perhaps you work together, or came from the city. It would be natural to enjoy that person's company, because you might be able to share with that person intimate details of your life that you might not feel so free with others. You might also find times in your life when you need special support, the death of a parent, for instance. Obviously, someone who has gone through this would be able to offer special comfort unlike someone who hasn't been through it.

These friendships only become "dangerous" or perhaps cause the near occasion of sin when they exist to the exclusion of all others. This can cause pain (think of high school and the pain the little cliques caused to the girls who weren't in the "cool" group) and feelings of isolation.

Things have changed a lot since Vat II - I believe there has been more attention on basic human needs. As an example, many of the Sisters I know have sought therapy for various reasons, when pre-Vat II that wouldn't have happened. You should also know that in some communities, "particular friendships" was also a polite way of referring to an unnatural relationship of an intimate nature.

So, in general, friendships are encouraged, and human experience and personal choice is respected, but not if it becomes an issue for others who might feel excluded or left out, or if it shows signs of leading the two down a road not appropriate for vowed women.

[TeresaBenedicta]

Much of what has been said here is how I think of it as well... And really, all of this could and should be said of the Christian life in general. We are called to love all, which in its essence, means being friends with all. Sure, we won't get along with everyone, but as Mother Francis says, we are called to "respect" everyone, which literally means "to look at again" and again and again (re-spectare in the Latin). Christian friendship ought to [i]always[/i] be particular and never exclusive.

On the other hand... it does seem to me that the religious has an even further elevated call when it comes to friendship. I like what Santa Cruz had to say in her post:

[quote]Christ should be the center of every relationship, not shared preferences or interests between persons. Friendship should be rooted and grounded in Christ and our desire to grow closer to Christ, to serve Him, to worship Him. In Community it could be easy to build a friendship around something false or even something disobedient. [/quote]

I think this is the "elevated call" of a religious... to first and foremost allow all cravings for human relationships to be satiated in God alone, and then to love others [i]with that same love of God[/i]. To love God principally and to love others for His sake. That means that Christ must be at the center of every relationship and friendship.

I think all of us can look at our lives and see many, many friendships that are based primarily in shared preferences or interests. I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing. But I do think that [i]that[/i] sort of friendship ought to be discouraged in religious life. We should strive for all of our love and all of our friendships to be rooted in Christ alone- not in the passing things of this world. Does this mean that religious are refused friendships with people who do not yet root everything in Christ? No, of course not... but it means that the religious will still see and love that person with the love of God and for His sake.

I'm not sure I'm putting clearly into words what my thoughts are here... I hope it at least makes some sense.

[Santa Cruz]

[quote name='TeresaBenedicta' timestamp='1309288994' post='2259818']
Much of what has been said here is how I think of it as well... And really, all of this could and should be said of the Christian life in general. We are called to love all, which in its essence, means being friends with all. Sure, we won't get along with everyone, but as Mother Francis says, we are called to "respect" everyone, which literally means "to look at again" and again and again (re-spectare in the Latin). Christian friendship ought to [i]always[/i] be particular and never exclusive.

On the other hand... it does seem to me that the religious has an even further elevated call when it comes to friendship. I like what Santa Cruz had to say in her post:



I think this is the "elevated call" of a religious... to first and foremost allow all cravings for human relationships to be satiated in God alone, and then to love others [i]with that same love of God[/i]. To love God principally and to love others for His sake. That means that Christ must be at the center of every relationship and friendship.

I think all of us can look at our lives and see many, many friendships that are based primarily in shared preferences or interests. I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing. But I do think that [i]that[/i] sort of friendship ought to be discouraged in religious life. We should strive for all of our love and all of our friendships to be rooted in Christ alone- not in the passing things of this world. Does this mean that religious are refused friendships with people who do not yet root everything in Christ? No, of course not... but it means that the religious will still see and love that person with the love of God and for His sake.

I'm not sure I'm putting clearly into words what my thoughts are here... I hope it at least makes some sense.
[/quote]


Makes perfect sense to me. Thank you for sharing!

[BarbTherese]

[quote name='TeresaBenedicta' timestamp='1309288994' post='2259818']
Much of what has been said here is how I think of it as well... And really, all of this could and should be said of the Christian life in general. We are called to love all, which in its essence, means being friends with all. Sure, we won't get along with everyone, but as Mother Francis says, we are called to "respect" everyone, which literally means "to look at again" and again and again (re-spectare in the Latin). Christian friendship ought to [i]always[/i] be particular and never exclusive.

[/quote]

Important point. Religious are those who have chosen the actual state of perfection - that state in life whose sole and prime objective is perfection and holiness and in a state in life that is totally condusive to that objective in every way. Hence for us lay people, we can and do look to our religious for a "sharing of the fruits of contemplation in the parlour" (Thomas Merton). We look to our religious to show us the way to follow Jesus, Who Is "The Way, The Truth and The Life". Very often we cannot apply 'religious life dynamics' strictly to our lay life nor are we called to do so, but the dynamics within religious life are an indicator by 'the professionals' to show us the way in a general sense and The Lord and His Grace does the rest re living out our lay vocation to our own unique holiness and sanctification and all holiness and sanctification finds its oneness and unity in The Lord, it witnesses to Jesus and His Church and builds up His Mystical Body on earth.
I personally thing that the concepts of "particular friendships" that have been shared in this thread and most often from a religious life point of view have much, everything, to offer to those of us who are called to be 'leaven within the world'.

[quote]To love God principally and to love others for His sake. That means that Christ must be at the center of every relationship and friendship.[/quote]

For lay people also.

Edited June 29, 2011 by BarbaraTherese

[Postulant Christina]

On June 28, 2011 at 3:02 PM, praxedes said:

This is a good question and I can only give you my opinion based upon experience.

It is natural and human to find attraction (not in an unhealthy manner) to one person over another - perhaps you share common interests, talents, or whatever. Or perhaps you work together, or came from the city. It would be natural to enjoy that person's company, because you might be able to share with that person intimate details of your life that you might not feel so free with others. You might also find times in your life when you need special support, the death of a parent, for instance. Obviously, someone who has gone through this would be able to offer special comfort unlike someone who hasn't been through it.

These friendships only become "dangerous" or perhaps cause the near occasion of sin when they exist to the exclusion of all others. This can cause pain (think of high school and the pain the little cliques caused to the girls who weren't in the "cool" group) and feelings of isolation.

Things have changed a lot since Vat II - I believe there has been more attention on basic human needs. As an example, many of the Sisters I know have sought therapy for various reasons, when pre-Vat II that wouldn't have happened. You should also know that in some communities, "particular friendships" was also a polite way of referring to an unnatural relationship of an intimate nature.

So, in general, friendships are encouraged, and human experience and personal choice is respected, but not if it becomes an issue for others who might feel excluded or left out, or if it shows signs of leading the two down a road not appropriate for vowed women.

I agree that "best friends" in community as long as they are in a healthy friendship should be encouraged as it's simply human to want to have someone to be able to converse with and do things together, but exclusive friendships that take two sisters away from the rest of the community, such as two sisters missing prayer to go out alone together, or constantly have to do every single thing together and never invite others along should be discouraged and is unhealthy. It's unfortunate that after Vatican II it seems that some religious now just do whatever they want and no one stops them, but no two sisters should always be together to the point that it is extremely noticeable in community and makes others not want to be around them when they are together because they make others feel like "outsiders" which I believe was mentioned in an earlier post. As religious sisters women should place prayer and community first and of course God, not one another, which should not be allowed to continue in a community. It's not okay despite what some religious sisters think or even how some may defend exclusivity because when it comes down to it that's not practicing celibacy in a healthy way.

[Feankie]

It's not okay despite what some religious sisters think or even how some may defend exclusivity because when it comes down to it that's not practicing celibacy in a healthy way.

Ok, I feel I'm a relatively intelligent woman with many long-time nun/sister friends who reside in convents, monasteries, and yes, even apartments!  And they belong to both of the associations.  For the life of me I cannot understand how having friendships inside the cloister/convent and being celibate "in a healthy way" equate.  All have friendships in the cloister/monastery/wherever and live ALL their vows in an entirely genuine and authentic manner.  Help me out here.  

As a postulant in the very beginning states of Formation, and from your other posts on other topics, it bothers me a bit that your points of view seems to be your congregation's way or the highway - a bit strident and prideful.  Am I wrong?  I'm not being disparaging or passive-aggressive here, but in charity it's something I've picked up on as a SD and as a general reader. If you could explain it would be helpful.

Edited March 14, 2017 by Francis Clare

[Sister Marie]

I agree that there shouldn't be a situation where sisters feel uncomfortable in the presence of two others who are so close they are exclusive.  However, my experience in religious life is that there are very few instances where sisters are really exclusive in the way described above.  I can't say that I remember being in the presence of two sister-friends and feeling uncomfortable either.

I'm sure this does happen sometimes (although I think probably quite rarely) but I would disagree that "after Vatican II sisters just do whatever they want and no one stops them."  That hasn't been my experience.  It also hasn't been my experience that anyone ever defends exclusivity (even if they are wrong and are being exclusive - it is far more likely that they don't realize how they are making others feel.).  We often do not see ourselves the way others see us.  There is so much that makes up decisions - reality, thoughts, motivations, how we were raised, relationships we had before religious life, our education, our spirituality, our prayer life, etc.  It is impossible to know why anyone decides to do anything but I do not think most religious decide to do things just because it is what they want to do.  Maybe I'm naive but I think most religious are genuinely trying to live their vocations and live well. 

Back in the day, before I was in religious life, some communities didn't allow their sisters to walk in twos at recreation because of this rule.  It was ridiculous.  Human beings need personal connection and we don't become better religious by denying something God put within us.  We are adult women, not children, and hopefully, communities recognize that enough to allow individuals to make decisions for themselves but to dialogue with them when those decisions affect others or the living of religious life.  It isn't about what we are allowed to do/not do but how we choose to live in light of our vows and our commitment to common life. 

[Nunsuch]

There are two very interesting chapters on friendship in religious life--one based on the official precepts and one based on lived reality--on the sesquicentennial history of the Monroe, Michigan, IHM Sisters. The book is called "Building Sisterhood," and it is published (1997) by Syracuse University Press. One chapter is by Sr. Joan Glisky, and the other by Sr. Nancy Sylvester.  I highly recommend it. There is also a third chapter, on the building of the "new" (1930s) IHM Motherhouse, by Sr. Amata Miller, which has a lot on the friendship between the then-Mother General and the then-Treasurer of the congregation.

[Sister Leticia]

Christina - a word from someone who has been in religious life long enough to have learnt some valuable lessons, but not so long that I can't remember what it was like to be an idealistic young candidate. I too noticed your comment about religious doing what they like. I wonder whether you are repeating something you have heard others say (about someone else, of course, never about themselves!), or whether you really believe this, and have experienced this. At any rate, if you persevere, I hope that in the process you will grow in compassion and understanding, and learn to believe the best of older religious whose life with God, commitment, motivations and struggles you don't really know anything about.