Another Poem Question

[ChristinaTherese]

I said in my last thread that I was going to ask you for input on another poem. Here it is:

 

 

O Mary, Did You Fear?

“Do not be afraid,” Gabriel said.

O Mother, did you tremble then?

What did you think, so long ago,

when the angel of God to you did go?

 

What tremors filled your heart that night,

stunned as you were by Gabriel’s flight?

Oh, were you ever fearful when

God asked if He could rest within?

 

And yet you said, and bowed your head,

“Let it be as my Lord has said.”

You gave Him all you had that night,

sweet Mother, trusting in His light.

 

Sometimes I hope you were afraid,

dear Lady, my Lord’s humble maid.

If you had fear but thought Him true,

then maybe I can follow too.

 

You hold Him near, O Mother blest,

the Word made flesh sucks from your breast.

O Mother dear, pray for me too,

that I may hold Him close with you.

 

Pray, Lady sweet, that I might love,

Him who who for me came from above.

Pray, Mother mine, that He might come,

and give me always to your Son.

 

Again, this is going to be a Christmas present. My main questions with this one are: (1) Are there any major problems with it? (2) What do you think of the first stanza? Do you have any suggestions to make it better? (3) What about the last line? I wanted to make it "and make me His, and His alone" but "son" rhymes a little bit better than "alone".... But it's still a bad rhyme. Any thoughts?

 

Thank you all for any input you can give.

[emmaberry101]

:lol: "smells of elderberries"

 

:P

 

Really, though, I love this poem-it is your best of those I have seen!

 

The first stanza is my favorite! The only line I would even think to give you a suggestion on would be the last one, maybe substitute "when the angel of God came to you here below" or "when God's angel came to you here below" to get the proper rhythm, or keep the original, as it really has the most consistent rhythm. Also, the first line of the third stanza has a rhyme in it, so that could maybe be remedied by saying, "And yet you spoke, and bowed your head." But then the metre does not match with the next line, so you might need to add "just" to â€œLet it be as my Lord has said.” (Maybe between be and as.)

 

Oh! And the very last line, as you requested. Hm.. "Son" and "come" do seem to rhyme alright, but if you preferred another word in the place of "Son," you could substitute something in the end of the second to last line, such as "that he come forth"and then you could end with "and make me His, forevermore." Sorry, there are so many other combinations you could make there, but my brain has stopped working. :doh:

 

Love the poem! :love:

[Nihil Obstat]

The first two lines seemed a little awkward to me. Specifically the first one, but since they're kind of paired and such.

On the other hand, I have not had a lot of sleep lately, so there is a high probability that I am reading it incorrectly.

[Kevin]

I cannot possibly give you any feedback on this poem, even though I am a poet. Well, maybe just a little

 

Okay, one thing is, this poem is trying to be a metrical poem, but it is mostly free-verse. I could tell you how to fix it, but you might not want it fixed. Or at least, I don't want to come off as condescending.

 

There are a lot of other things, like "did go" is just...it's not something I would do. The meaning of that line is, do you remember being in the presence of the angel Gabriel, it has nothing to do with his going, its just reaching for a rhyme. And it isn't really a rhyme either, since its the same syllable.

 

I don't know if I should go on, because it's your poem, I'm sure who ever you give it too would love it as it is.

 

I can say one thing without reservation though - don't center align the text, left align it. It really looks much better that way.

Edited December 19, 2012 by Kevin