Slappo Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 Hi Phatmassers! I recently (9/8/08) started dating a beautiful woman, and things have been going extremely well for us. I was wondering if some of you more experienced (married/engaged/other) phatmassers could help a brother out in trying to lead a holy relationship and grow in knowledge of one another. What are some important topics and things that can be discussed in a fairly new dating relationship. We haven't been dating too long so I don't want to get too much into specifics of family life, but since discernment of marriage is the end goal of our relationship, those topics are important as well (need to be guarding of each others heart though). I'm not looking so much for things like talking about boundaries for our relationship or what as a couple we need to do together (pray in moderation, alone time, group time, fun time, serious time), but topics like: What do you think is worth getting into debt for? family vacation? house mortagage? going to relative/friends funeral/wedding? What is a goal/dream you have for your life? I don't have any other examples really, but hopefully that gives you something to base your responses off of. Basically it is time to start getting to know some of her more deeper wants/desires/views/thoughts, and share mine with her, but I could use some help to have some good topic starters! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rachael Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 [quote name='Slappo' post='1674631' date='Oct 10 2008, 10:03 PM']I don't have any other examples really, but hopefully that gives you something to base your responses off of. Basically it is time to start getting to know some of her more deeper wants/desires/views/thoughts, and share mine with her, but I could use some help to have some good topic starters![/quote] Personally, that stuff always came naturally to me, but maybe I am just really inquisitive...? Forcing this kind of stuff is never too pretty. >_< Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slappo Posted October 11, 2008 Author Share Posted October 11, 2008 [quote name='rachael' post='1674637' date='Oct 10 2008, 06:07 PM']Personally, that stuff always came naturally to me, but maybe I am just really inquisitive...? Forcing this kind of stuff is never too pretty. >_<[/quote] Maybe I'm trying too hard . It's my second serious relationship ever, and my first one in 2 years, so I'm kind of new to the whole scene. I know there's a whole laundry list of things that if they came to my head, I'd love to ask her about and would want to know what she thought, but I probably haven't thought about them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatherineM Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 I will tell you that in dealing with divorce court, and the archdiocesan tribunal, the things that primarily lead to divorce are money, family issues, and infidelity. In my experience infidelity often happened when the marriage was already on the rocks, and was more of a symptom. Your views on money are critical. One question I would always ask people contemplating marriage is how much money would you be willing to spend before discussing it with your spouse. If the the bride says $1000, and the groom says $100, that is an area of serious potential problems in the future. It doesn't matter how much money you make, you have to live within your means. If you can do that, it will eliminate huge areas of conflict. My husband and I have the same material values, and that can be just as important as having the same moral values in making for a long term marriage. Family issues involve anything from former spouses and children to inlaws. Blended families can cause a lot of area for conflict. So can disagreements on the education and discipline of your own future children. Don't assume that you will work it all out once the kids start coming. There's nothing wrong with going to a marriage mediation before you get married. If I wasn't the unflappable type, my in-laws might well have broken us up in the first year of our marriage. My mother in law actually tried to get me deported, and my sister in law got our first wedding canceled by telling our pastor that my husband was beating me. People who know us had a good laugh at that one. One of my husband's best friends just got divorced less than 2 years into the marriage because his teenage daughter couldn't get along with her college age daughters. Kids will do that. I always recommend the [url="http://www.6stonejars.com/"]six stone jars website[/url]. It is run by a very orthodox Catholic to answer just these kinds of questions. They have both pastoral counselors and priests to answer your questions. Their Road to Cana DVD series really helped my husband and I when we were dating and newly married. The most important thing is to talk, talk, and talk, about everything and anything. You may have a perfect view of how marriage is, and your future spouse may also have a perfect view, but if you don't know that those views are different, you're in for a nasty surprise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rachael Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 [quote name='CatherineM' post='1674679' date='Oct 10 2008, 10:23 PM']I always recommend the [url="http://www.6stonejars.com/"]six stone jars website[/url]. It is run by a very orthodox Catholic to answer just these kinds of questions. They have both pastoral counselors and priests to answer your questions. Their Road to Cana DVD series really helped my husband and I when we were dating and newly married. The most important thing is to talk, talk, and talk, about everything and anything. You may have a perfect view of how marriage is, and your future spouse may also have a perfect view, but if you don't know that those views are different, you're in for a nasty surprise.[/quote] interesting website Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missionseeker Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 [quote name='rachael' post='1674692' date='Oct 10 2008, 09:28 PM']interesting website [/quote] indeed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alicemary Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 Why not slow down and just get to know each other? Spend time together, find common interests, go to sporting events/church/walks in the park together. Find out what her goals in life are/what things are important to her. Share your life and what makes you tick. Take your time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paladin D Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 [quote name='alicemary' post='1674809' date='Oct 11 2008, 01:53 AM']Why not slow down and just get to know each other? Spend time together, find common interests, go to sporting events/church/walks in the park together. Find out what her goals in life are/what things are important to her. Share your life and what makes you tick. Take your time![/quote] Word. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slappo Posted October 11, 2008 Author Share Posted October 11, 2008 [quote name='alicemary' post='1674809' date='Oct 10 2008, 09:53 PM']Why not slow down and just get to know each other? Spend time together, find common interests, go to sporting events/church/walks in the park together. Find out what her goals in life are/what things are important to her. Share your life and what makes you tick. Take your time![/quote] Lol... Okay, there's not any problems in the relationship, and we're not moving too fast or anything. The entire purpose of the thread is to get some good idea's as to topics that might lead to what things are important to her/what her goals are in life. We have common interests and I know a lot of em, we spend time together, and we are getting to know each other! It isn't like we're failing at any of those. Just wondering if anyone had topics that might be interesting to think about/talk to her about... such as another thread was talking about whether or not parents should show affection in front of their kids... Basically the question was more something like "What are some fun things you have talked about with your significant other that has helped you learn more about him/her?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
picchick Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 You really get to know the person through time spent with them. Small talk, conversation all that stuff reveals a little bit about who you are with. You really can't have like a list of questions to come up with. See I guess I don't have a problem. I really just ask questions. A lot of them. All the time. I think the guys think they are on interrogation or something. But I just do. "How's life?" "What do you do?" "Do you care if I dance in the street?" "How do you feel about medical talk at the table?" And the classic: "How do you feel about guns?" Just let conversation flow and if you are really interested in the person you just sorta go from there. Make it all natural I guess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rachael Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 So Meg, How do you feel about guns? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jmjtina Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 (edited) I think if the both of you know that the point of dating is to discern marriage, then everything should fall into place. If it's only YOUR mindset, and she has a different idea of expectations, then there might be a problem. I was talking to another friend about marriage about some of our fears a while back. I think that if your willing to talk, this has to be with one of your good friends, if not best friend who understands where you are coming from. One of the biggest problems I have is that some do not have the same mindset as I do. One that is central on my faith. I might as well be talking Chinese. So my question is, are you both of the same mindset? Or do you have to start to build that foundation of understanding one another? I don't know if your dating someone totally new, or someone that was a friend and then it took off, Catholic, Christian, etc. Bottom line, if your both coming from 2 different points of views, in my experience, it takes time to get them to understand where you are coming from. Not impossible, but definitely more time and a different approach. Of course, that's just my experience. If they are a practicing good and faithful Catholic, you could probably hit the ground running! Prayers for you! Edited October 11, 2008 by jmjtina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jmjtina Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 The [url="http://www.6stonejars.com/"]6 stone jars[/url] is a great website! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slappo Posted October 11, 2008 Author Share Posted October 11, 2008 [quote name='jmjtina' post='1675003' date='Oct 11 2008, 08:04 AM']I think if the both of you know that the point of dating is to discern marriage, then everything should fall into place. If it's only YOUR mindset, and she has a different idea of expectations, then there might be a problem. I was talking to another friend about marriage about some of our fears a while back. I think that if your willing to talk, this has to be with one of your good friends, if not best friend who understands where you are coming from. One of the biggest problems I have is that some do not have the same mindset as I do. One that is central on my faith. I might as well be talking Chinese. So my question is, are you both of the same mindset? Or do you have to start to build that foundation of understanding one another? I don't know if your dating someone totally new, or someone that was a friend and then it took off, Catholic, Christian, etc. Bottom line, if your both coming from 2 different points of views, in my experience, it takes time to get them to understand where you are coming from. Not impossible, but definitely more time and a different approach. Of course, that's just my experience. If they are a practicing good and faithful Catholic, you could probably hit the ground running! Prayers for you![/quote] Thanks for the prayers! We're both good faithful Catholics, both attending Franciscan University of Steubenville. I'm a senior and graduating, she's a senior but will graduate a year late, so we're both 21 and at a point in life where strong Catholic dating/courtship definitely has marriage in mind. . We knew each other for about 6 months before starting to date too, and that 6 months was a pretty close friendship (pretty close to best friends before dating). I love the 6 stone jars site btw, that's an awesome resource! Catherine, thanks for the advice on money and finances, I'm realizing very quickly that finances are HUGE in marriage. I love the thoughts on how much money would you spend before telling your spouse, those are things I'd never even think of thinking about Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
let_go_let_God Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 My fiance and I have a very open and inquizative relationship. Our motto is that when ever we are at a lack of questions, "anything and everything" is fair game. Mind you the two of us are very open people and try to live as if we have nothing to hide. Now you may know certian topics to wait to talk about untill she's ready or your ready, but never be afraid to ask. the fear of asking is almost as bad as not asking at all. Sometimes I will even preface my questions with "I'm not the most comfortable asking this, but ... and you don't have to answer." My fiance knows I have an innate and crazy sense of curiosity and he will usually have no problem with anything I ask. I actually prefer when he asks me questions because then, I know he's thinking. Crazy I know. I guess what I mean to be saying is if discernment to marriage is the end goal, you have the rest of your lives ahead of you and there are infinate number of questions to be asked. Why not start now? God bless- LGLG Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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