cappie Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 This email is doing the rounds in Australia In the light of your recent economic mess and failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves effectively, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: ----------------------- 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). ------------------------ 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English.. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ------------------- 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. ----------------- 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse.. ---------------------- 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ---------------------- 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. -------------------- 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. ------------------- 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. ------------------- 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. --------------------- 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a coagulated milk grater. --------------------- 11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).. --------------------- 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries. -------------------- 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. ----------------- 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). --------------- 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen! PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archaeology cat Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cmotherofpirl Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 God save the queen! I already have elevenses and 4pm tea,and real chips with malt vinegar. I have no problem with this except the line of succession passes to Charles. I much prefer Harry. Charles is like a snobby version of Jimmy Carter and Al Gore combined. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scardella Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 It really comes off as arrogant... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archaeology cat Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 [quote name='cmotherofpirl' post='1687402' date='Oct 27 2008, 07:56 PM']God save the queen! I already have elevenses and 4pm tea,and real chips with malt vinegar. I have no problem with this except the line of succession passes to Charles. I much prefer Harry. Charles is like a snobby version of Jimmy Carter and Al Gore combined.[/quote] I love cucumber sandwiches for tea. And scones with clotted cream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
let_go_let_God Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 The only thing I have an arguement on is that there is no more baseball. Although I can learn to appreciate a wicked googly but I don't want to think of the USA without Baseball. God bless- LGLG Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CoffeeCatholic Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 Obama v. British Parliament I'm not sure there's much difference? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
homeschoolmom Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 [quote name='cmotherofpirl' post='1687402' date='Oct 27 2008, 03:56 PM']God save the queen! I already have elevenses and 4pm tea,and real chips with malt vinegar. I have no problem with this except the line of succession passes to Charles. I much prefer Harry. Charles is like a snobby version of Jimmy Carter and Al Gore combined.[/quote] Well, it would be William before Harry. But yes... point well taken. I remember this email from 2000 when they were busy counting hanging chads in Florida... It almost seemed like a reasonable solution.... almost. (God help us not to have THAT nightmare again!!!!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the lords sheep Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 (edited) [quote name='scardella' post='1687411' date='Oct 27 2008, 10:16 PM']It really comes off as arrogant...[/quote] Clearly you're not familiar with the British stereotype..... Knowing a number of Brits myself, I found it quite amusing Edited October 27, 2008 by the lords sheep Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandomProddy Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 [quote name='scardella' post='1687411' date='Oct 27 2008, 09:16 PM']It really comes off as arrogant...[/quote] Note to self: use better adhesive next time... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatherineM Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 I'm not seeing the downside. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christie_M Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 The downsides for me: No football No baseball Using metric system (i always skipped those questions along with fractions ) But other then that.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
salterrae Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 JM + JT Will the weather have to change to constantly wet, cold, and cloudy? We've had that for a while now... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
she_who_is_not Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 Roundabouts are fun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HisChildForever Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 [quote name='Christie_M' post='1687547' date='Oct 27 2008, 07:51 PM']Using metric system (i always skipped those questions along with fractions )[/quote] ME TOO! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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