Need Married Guys

[Lil Red]

+J.M.J.+
I need married men's opinions.

my husband is at home, currently not working ( ). he stays at home with the kiddos during the day. when i get home, the house is usually a mess. messes stress me out. i've asked him if he could do a better job picking things up/cleaning up, but he says he likes to do it all when they're asleep (when it still doesn't get done). i don't know how to approach him about this, because nothing seems to work. it seems like he leaves the majority of housework to get done for Wednesdays or Saturdays, when i do it (by myself, multi-tasking with the kiddos). advice?

[add]

[quote name='Lil Red' date='11 November 2009 - 12:03 PM' timestamp='1257955435' post='2000651']
+J.M.J.+
I need married men's opinions.

my husband is at home, currently not working ( ). he stays at home with the kiddos during the day. when i get home, the house is usually a mess. messes stress me out. i've asked him if he could do a better job picking things up/cleaning up, but he says he likes to do it all when they're asleep (when it still doesn't get done). i don't know how to approach him about this, because nothing seems to work. it seems like he leaves the majority of housework to get done for Wednesdays or Saturdays, when i do it (by myself, multi-tasking with the kiddos). advice?
[/quote]

i resemble that remark.

[MIKolbe]

maybe leave him with specific tasks to help with.

I do better with 'clean the upstairs bathroom', rather than 'clean upstairs'. It's almost like marketing...if you break it down in small easy jobs, it may get done with less fuss. That is not to say leave him with a detailed laundry list... keep it short, simple, and do-able. One or Two things a day. Plus, it gives him the feeling he is helping; and if the tasks are small enough, he won't have to worries about the kiddos for an extended length of time.

FWIW, my wife does multi-task with the kiddos better than I ever could. I say that to her, and she thinks I am being lazy...but it is true. Women rock more than they know.....

[CatherineM]

I asked my husband, and he agreed with the breaking it down to parts. Try giving a few specific things at a time. Like on Monday just ask him to put away the clean laundry or load the dishwasher. On Tuesday give him a different task or two. It's like any muscle, it needs to be exercised at first. Most men didn't grow up learning to do housework, and it may just seem too big. When my nephew lost his job and became a Mr. Mom for 9 months for their 4 under school age kids, it was chaos. He was depressed at not being the breadwinner anymore, as most men would be, and had no energy. His wife made sure she opened all the curtains in the morning to let in a lot of light, and put his favorite music on to play. Making sure he eats a decent breakfast with protein and not carbs can help too.

[elizabeth09]

Tell him what chours needs to be, like MIkolbe had said. Tell him, if do not do the chours you told them to do, then you will tell him the next time and add more chours to the list.

[Jaime]

I'm single so I'm half qualified

stop cleaning

[Thy Geekdom Come]

Gosh, that's definitely not fair. Doing chores just comes with the territory and since he's not working, he's the stay-at-home dad. If stay-at-home moms can do it, so can he. I'd want to say to tell him he either gets a job or cleans the house, but it's one or the other and he'd better decide, but that might do more harm than good.

[StColette]

I agree with MIKolbe, sometimes it helps to set a specific task for him to do.

We do most of our cleaning at night after little man has gone to bed. We also clean while he's napping. Do the kids take naps during the day? Your little guy probably naps more than little girl does which might be where your hubby is having the problem.

If your little guy is asleep and little girl is awake, dad might be able to have little girl help. I remember being around 3 yrs old and helping sort the laundry. It was a way to teach me my colors lol Of course I literally sorted by specific colors lol but that didn't bother mom too much and it kept me busy while she cleaned other things or folded laundry that was already clean.

I understand how you feel though, messes stress me out too, especially here lately since baby #2 is only 1 1/2 weeks away.

[Sojourner]

[quote name='StColette' date='11 November 2009 - 11:55 AM' timestamp='1257958529' post='2000671']
I agree with MIKolbe, sometimes it helps to set a specific task for him to do.

We do most of our cleaning at night after little man has gone to bed. We also clean while he's napping. Do the kids take naps during the day? Your little guy probably naps more than little girl does which might be where your hubby is having the problem.

If your little guy is asleep and little girl is awake, dad might be able to have little girl help. I remember being around 3 yrs old and helping sort the laundry. It was a way to teach me my colors lol Of course I literally sorted by specific colors lol but that didn't bother mom too much and it kept me busy while she cleaned other things or folded laundry that was already clean.

I understand how you feel though, messes stress me out too, especially here lately since baby #2 is only 1 1/2 weeks away.
[/quote]
at sorting laundry. I also helped Mom with housework from a young age. We were all expected to do it, and Dad would help out too from time to time.

I know for my husband, he really doesn't get bothered by house mess until it's WAY past the point where it would drive me insane. I agree with everyone who has said that specific tasks are best. When I need help around the house, I usually wait to ask for help until I am at a crisis point and then all I can say is "HELP ME!!!" (this is usually somewhere around 10 minutes before guests are due to arrive, ) It really helps if I step back from the emotional stress and have specific things for him to do. Even having a to-do list that you are working on can help him better see the scope of what needs to happen.

Edited November 11, 2009 by Terra Firma

[Lil Red]

[quote name='MIkolbe' date='11 November 2009 - 10:24 AM' timestamp='1257956685' post='2000658']
maybe leave him with specific tasks to help with.

I do better with 'clean the upstairs bathroom', rather than 'clean upstairs'. It's almost like marketing...if you break it down in small easy jobs, it may get done with less fuss. That is not to say leave him with a detailed laundry list... keep it short, simple, and do-able. One or Two things a day. Plus, it gives him the feeling he is helping; and if the tasks are small enough, he won't have to worries about the kiddos for an extended length of time.

FWIW, my wife does multi-task with the kiddos better than I ever could. I say that to her, and she thinks I am being lazy...but it is true. Women rock more than they know.....
[/quote]
+J.M.J.+
i've asked him to try to keep the living room and kitchen clean all day - that way if unexpected company shows up, the house doesn't look totally messy.

example: he usually does the dishes. but leaves them all (from the whole day) until the next morning. i've told him that it stresses me out to see all these dishes (usually when i'm home, i do dishes after every meal) piled up. also he will leave to go out to his dad's and leave dirty dishes and dirty water in the sink.

what really bothers me is that he plays this stupid game on the computer (evo something) all day - ignoring everything else. if i get on phatmass at home, i usually check it, then go do other stuff. he will stay on the game for hours at a time, ignoring stuff that should get done. then he gets defensive when i try to talk to him about it.

[Era Might]

JERRY: Hey, board of directors. Look at you!

GEORGE: Yeah! Look at me! I was free and clear! I was living the dream! I was stripped to the waist, eating a block of c[i][/i]heese the size of a car battery!

JERRY: Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of c[i][/i]heese with some sort of bachelor paradise.

[Lil Red]

+J.M.J.+
to add:
if i ask him to do something specific, it maybe gets done. i hear "i forgot" a lot - and i know things can get forgotten, but all the time? or i'll ask him to do something and he says "i just did that" - like vacuuming. with two kids and two cats, the floors need vacuumed like every day. he'll say "you/i just did it yesterday. it doesn't need done again."

[Archaeology cat]

[quote name='StColette' date='11 November 2009 - 04:55 PM' timestamp='1257958529' post='2000671']
If your little guy is asleep and little girl is awake, dad might be able to have little girl help. I remember being around 3 yrs old and helping sort the laundry. It was a way to teach me my colors lol Of course I literally sorted by specific colors lol but that didn't bother mom too much and it kept me busy while she cleaned other things or folded laundry that was already clean.
[/quote]
I was going to suggest maybe him having little girl help. Kieran helps me with things (he pushes the vacuum after me). If I need to keep him busy while I'm cleaning the kitchen, I give him the extension part of the vacuum, and he happily pushes it around. Or I'll ask him to pick up his books while I do that, and usually he will b/c he gets excited about the vacuum.

[quote name='Lil Red' date='11 November 2009 - 05:33 PM' timestamp='1257960798' post='2000690']
+J.M.J.+
to add:
if i ask him to do something specific, it maybe gets done. i hear "i forgot" a lot - and i know things can get forgotten, but all the time? or i'll ask him to do something and he says "i just did that" - like vacuuming. with two kids and two cats, the floors need vacuumed like every day. he'll say "you/i just did it yesterday. it doesn't need done again."
[/quote]
With just 1 kid & 2 cats it needs to be done everyday. Or at least that's my experience. One of my cats is long-haired, though, so I'm sure that influences my perspective. My husband has specific chores that are just his (like taking care of the cats), so they get done more regularly that way. I do have to be specific if I want something done, though. Whereas I can multitask and get multiple things done at once, he needs to focus on just one or two things. We just think about things differently.

Edited November 11, 2009 by Archaeology cat

[Chestertonian]

Does he clean the house when he is working? My wife and I are in a similar situation (I'm a substitute teacher, so work is feast or famine), and we also have kids. Although it's no excuse, I personally feel a lot more motivated to clean the house on the days that I work, than on the days that I don't, and perhaps he's the same way. I'm certainly not saying that he's justified in not cleaning up around the house, but just that that extra inertia might play into the equation.

I think another problem that a lot of us have is that we don't know where you want things to go, or how you want things to be washed. When I was a bachelor, cleaning the house and doing the laundry was so much easier because I just put things wherever I thought they should go, and I wasn't very particular about the way I did the laundry. My wife, however, has a place for everything and she's very particular about the way the laundry is to be done. I often find it easier to leave those types of things for her (better than being yelled at for putting things in the wrong place , even on the days I don't work.

[scardella]

It sounds like he's depressed at not having a job. He probably feels very unmotivated and is escaping to the game to where he feels connected/useful/needed/triumphant/etc.

It sounds like he's self-medicating on the game... BTW, is it called Evony?

I know how that can feel, not having a job for months at a time. Sometimes you just feel trapped and want to go anywhere just to be out of the house. Definitely a rough time. I'll send some prayers.

Edited November 11, 2009 by scardella