Anxiety About Love, Particularly In Regards To Men

[tinytherese]

Lately, it's been hitting me really hard in regards to choosing a husband in the future. I know that it won't be happening for quite some time. I don't feel up to courtship yet. I try to be hopeful, but what I have gone through in my personal life, what with a dad who mistreated me--who even sexually harassed me, I feel more cautious than some. I mean seriously, I don't know how someone like my mom could have married someone like my dad. According to her he was a different man, and she realizes that there were some warning signs about his behavior. I just haven't had experience of a man being genuine and honorable. Somehow, I manage to attract the creepy ones and when I attended a women's college, good golly was that a magnet for skuzzy ones. My feelings are complicated. On the one hand, a part of me desires tender affection from a real man who is the real deal, heck hardly anybody gives me that period, on the other hand, part of me is nervous about getting touched considering what I've been through. I don't want to be overly cautious or to trust no one. Trust would definitely need to be earned in time. I wouldn't want to drive any man away because of that. A woman's heart really needs to be guarded, especially mine. I don't want romantic feelings to cloud my judgment and to assume that "he's the one," for nothing is official until we have received the sacrament of holy matrimony. I don't want to be worrisome though. I know that that wouldn't make my beloved Lord happy. Yet having a severe case of depression where I'm not yet on the right medication that is truely helping me doesn't help.