Most Difficult Time Of My Life

[tinytherese]

A bunch of people (including family members) just don't understand. Sometimes I feel a lot of anger about what dad has done to me. I wonder if he'll change his narcissistic tendencies, cruelty, abuse, denial, and manipulation. I pray for him everyday. I ask Sts. Paul, Monica, Augustine, Anthony, and Jude to pray for him to be the dad that I've been wishing for my whole life. I am also concerned about his salvation. Mom is really trying to do what is best for the family. Supposedly, my parents will finally make serious plans about legally separating already. Mom claimed that this would be worked out by Thanksgiving. Well, that was three months ago and I'm still waiting. I want to come home to my mom and brother without my dad ever coming in. I've had to stay with my grandparents and there have been times when I have gone over to our house. Sometimes he is upstairs and agrees not to come down to see me or he'll go into another room for my sake. I still don't like that. How can I even bare to look at him? I don't even want to hear his voice. I remember meeting my new psychiatrist and when I told her what was going on she had such an astounded look on her face and asked if I had pressed criminal charges against him.

Truth be told, I actually think that I'm more mad at mom than dad. I know that she wants the family to be reunited one day and that we will be happy. I would certainly be glad if dad changed, but how likely that is I don't know. He may not be repentant until his dying day. There are times when I feel as if even though my mom is really supportive of me that she and other people might be blaming me the victim to a certain extent. She told me earlier that if dad had done more than the sexual harassment which involved inappropriate touching- if he had raped me and or beaten me up that she would be handling things much more differently with him, because "There are some lines you do not cross." It's like what I've gone through isn't serious enough for her to get rid of him.