A Dirty Rotten Scoundrel

[Brother Adam]

I am currently writing a book (Part I is finished) chronicling my story from the slavery of p0rn addiction which started when I was 13 to my freedom and healing years later at becoming Catholic and learning what true love means. This idea to write a story and start creating speeches came from an eye-popping visit to a youth conference where over 90% of the over 700 teens + adults (youth ministers) stood when asked if they were addicted to p0rn.

I figured I could be a really relatable person because my story isn't dramatic - so maybe it can give other teenage boys and men hope who are addicted to p0rn or masturbation, or worse (affairs, sexting, strip clubs, prostitution, who knows). I then have 10 steps that worked for me (most of the "common" advice doesn't work worth squat) that I could relate to help not only kick the addiction (which is just one part), but HEAL, and remain fortified and strong to battle any future temptation (by learning about what true love is). At the end of the book I have asked my wife to write about her experience with a "Dirty Rotten Scoundrel" (the title of the book)

There are two major things I worry about in telling my story - the first is being that open and vulnerable. I sinned, I had a broken relationship with God and I destroyed myself and for a while my ability to love. A lot of people could use that to attack me. The second is that part of my healing was coming totally and completely clean with those who love me, especially my wife. My wife is amazing and just forgave me back when I told her, but I worry that if other men reveal their hidden lives to their loved ones their loved ones could react poorly instead of remaining in solidarity with them, and I could even be the source of broken relationships or wives leaving husbands, visa-versa. That really scares me.

At the same time, the more I pray about this the more I think I am suppose to do this. The more I believe God wants to use me to help others. I have already in the past several years spoken to so many Catholic men, and though the sins vary - everything from masturbation to statutory rape, the brokenness is the same.

Should I write this book? Should I tell this story?

[MissScripture]

I sent you a PM.

[Brother Adam]

Your not the only one.

That's okay though, everyone is welcome to send me emails asking for help, or telling me about your story, or offering words of encouragement, I truly enjoy them and I am happy to do what I can. I guess I should not be surprised that a post like this gets that kind of private response God bless all of you.

[Innocent]

[quote name='Brother Adam' date='03 July 2010 - 02:25 AM' timestamp='1278100513' post='2137018']
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There are two major things I worry about in telling my story - the first is being that open and vulnerable. I sinned, I had a broken relationship with God and I destroyed myself and for a while my ability to love. A lot of people could use that to attack me. The second is that part of my healing was coming totally and completely clean with those who love me, especially my wife. My wife is amazing and just forgave me back when I told her, but I worry that if other men reveal their hidden lives to their loved ones their loved ones could react poorly instead of remaining in solidarity with them, and I could even be the source of broken relationships or wives leaving husbands, visa-versa. That really scares me.
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Should I write this book? Should I tell this story?
[/quote]

I think you should tell this story.

As to the things that make you worry:

1. You could write under a pen-name. There is a precedent for this: Roy K, the founder of SA, wrote [url="http://www.amazon.com/Lust-Virus-Ron-J/dp/0961483121"][i]Lust Virus[/i][/url] under the pen-name Ron J (but everyone knows that now, and so it's no great secret at present, but you needn't let anyone know your identity, if it might damage you professionally.)

2. You could write exactly what you said here in your book, i.e., while your wife was forgiving and helped you in your struggle, it's not sure that this will be the case for everyone, and so care should be taken when deciding what to do, preferably with the help of a spiritual director. Leave it up to the reader to decide what to do. You've done what you can to help others by telling your story as an example. What each reader does with your example is his responsibility.

[Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam]

[quote name='Brother Adam' date='02 July 2010 - 04:55 PM' timestamp='1278100513' post='2137018']
There are two major things I worry about in telling my story - the first is being that open and vulnerable. I sinned, I had a broken relationship with God and I destroyed myself and for a while my ability to love. A lot of people could use that to attack me. The second is that part of my healing was coming totally and completely clean with those who love me, especially my wife. My wife is amazing and just forgave me back when I told her, but I worry that if other men reveal their hidden lives to their loved ones their loved ones could react poorly instead of remaining in solidarity with them, and I could even be the source of broken relationships or wives leaving husbands, visa-versa. That really scares me.
[/quote]

Perhaps it would be helpful to remind the audience that reads the book of some sacramental theology concerning the Sacrament of Reconciliation (I assume the book will be directed towards Catholics). The priest not only stands in the person of Christ in the sacrament but also in the place of the Church and in the place of humanity (our community) which we have also sinned against. In admitting and owning up to our sins in confession we own up to them not only before God but before the Church and humanity. This may be a helpful point to remember. Also, seeking the help of a spiritual advisor could be encouraged as well when one is thinking about talking to a spouse or another loved one.

Edited July 3, 2010 by Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam

[Brother Adam]

Keep those PM's coming.

I have cleared out my inbox to make room for more.

I am convinced now that I need to write this book and I need to tell my story.

Those of you reading this who are dealing with sexual addiction, men and women, there is hope. I have spoken to some of you who have dealt with this for decades and some of you who are just now starting to walk that dark road. Where ever you are, there is hope. Even if you have tried to fight this addiction before and have lost, do not despair - you are going to find freedom. God's grace is sufficient for you, [i]even you[/i], no matter how awful of a person you think you are. St. Paul slaughtered Christians, and he became the great apostle to the Gentiles, and you think God doesn't have big plans for your life?

I know the addiction is terrible, and I know it seems impossible to break out of - guess what, been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and still found freedom. One feeling I cannot shake is that God is ticked. He is righteously angry at this plague in society and he knows exactly how Satan has hoodwinked you. You are going to find shelter in that righteous anger, because he wants you to be free. You are going to find freedom in His grace, because He loves you. You are worth more to God, even in your brokenness, even in your sin, than you can possibly imagine.

The prodigal son looked at the Father and said "you are dead to me" and the Father threw a party when his son returned home. How much more is God going to do for you? Maybe your problem runs deeper than p0rn. Maybe you have been having premarital sex. Maybe you are going to strip clubs or visiting prostitutes. Maybe you are sexting, maybe you have done things that you are deeply ashamed of or you could even go to jail for. I have discovered whatever the sin, it leaves men and women in the same condition - brokenness. Yes, the wages of your sin was death, but your sin is worthless against the Cross. Your sin is not bigger than God's love. God's mercy has DEFEATED sin and death. It's time to find freedom. As much as you hate your sin, God hates it more. But God loves you, and he is going to forgive you, and he is going to free you to live as His child. It's time to show screwtape who is boss - by surrendering yourself to Christ. It's going to be hard, and you aren't going to like giving up your old ways, but the journey to healing is worth it.

To each of you out there reading this who has been affected by sexual sin in any way, God bless you. I am praying for you.

[Geras16]

Awesome.

[Guest KevinSymonds]

Adam, there are two conflicting schools of thought on this matter and I see the conflict reflected in your post.

The conflict: There is a lot of evil in this world. People are affected by it. God delivers people from slavery to sin. Those people wish to help others by telling the marvelous deeds of God and that He wants to free them too.

Great desire but the execution is often horribly awkward. There is a great need for discretion in the world today, lest we contribute in deed to that which we desire to uproot.

I was in a situation wherein I publicly discussed matters pertaining to the internal forum. Two years later I was tacitly threatened to have information used against me, which would have damaged my credibility and forced a lawsuit for character defamation.

The moral of the story: I don't know you and you don't know me. Let your yes mean yes and your no mean no. What you say can and does come back to haunt you.

-KJS

[Brother Adam]

[quote name='KevinSymonds' date='04 July 2010 - 10:06 AM' timestamp='1278248817' post='2137644']
Adam, there are two conflicting schools of thought on this matter and I see the conflict reflected in your post.

The conflict: There is a lot of evil in this world. People are affected by it. God delivers people from slavery to sin. Those people wish to help others by telling the marvelous deeds of God and that He wants to free them too.

Great desire but the execution is often horribly awkward. There is a great need for discretion in the world today, lest we contribute in deed to that which we desire to uproot.

I was in a situation wherein I publicly discussed matters pertaining to the internal forum. Two years later I was tacitly threatened to have information used against me, which would have damaged my credibility and forced a lawsuit for character defamation.

The moral of the story: I don't know you and you don't know me. Let your yes mean yes and your no mean no. What you say can and does come back to haunt you.

-KJS
[/quote]

[img]http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/5194D8K67KL._SL500_AA300_.jpg[/img]

Kevin, don't get me wrong, I appreciate the concern and I understand what you are saying.

There are many prominent examples of people sharing their story and giving a Christian witness to help others. St. Paul is probably the most famous example. That is the basic Christian testimony - I was lost in my sin and I found hope. I think people need to know they are not alone - the first post in this thread is proof enough of how deep the problem is based on the number of PM's I have gotten just from phatmass and how deeply people here appreciate me sharing what I did. I guess I have lost the fear that people are going to find out I am a sinner saved by grace.

I have also contacted some professional Catholic speakers who deal with this issue and they all say I should share my story and they need more people who have found freedom to speak up because of how deeply this problem runs. The Catholic priests I have spoken to say the same thing.

You are right about presentation - There is only so much in the way of 'details' that needs to be shared - it does not and should not be graphic only that the sin was present. Presented correctly - and I am getting a tremendous amount of help to do that - I really believe right now will do a lot of good.

Edited July 4, 2010 by Brother Adam

[Guest KevinSymonds]

As I said, there is a need for much discretion. With all due respect, you must act as you see fit.

I would, however, be remiss in my duty to charity if I didn't recommend some of Bl. Cardinal Newman's materials on Evangelicalism.

-KJS

[Mrs. Bro. Adam]

My two cents, for whatever they're worth:

I DO think that you should continue writing this book. So many young men and women are raised to believe that M and p0rn are acceptable means of entertainment this year and no consequences are EVER revealed to them when they are young? I personally believe that this particular addiction is a BIG factor in why there are SO many divorces. Men (and women) end up ashamed in what they are doing, and instead of reaching out for help, because they are afraid of being shunned or judged instead of helped, they instead keep their struggles to themselves. These secrets end up building a wall between the spouses in their marriage until the marriage falls apart for an "unknown" reason, or one spouse catches the other in the addiction. I FIRMLY believe that this book could help SAVE MANY marriages. How? By showing that there is freedom and life beyond this addiction, and that true love CAN prevail if we allow it to.

Many people think, having never gone through this, that they would NOT want to be told and will tell others with this addiction that they should NOT tell their spouse. I think that this is a hindrance to the addicted person's recovery. If they CANNOT tell their spouse, who is supposed to love them thick AND thin, then who CAN they tell? Who would be by their side?

All I can say, without revealing much, is that I did not realize just how much I loved my husband until he told me EVERYTHING. ANd with Jesus's help (yes, I said a prayer AS he was telling me asking Jesus to help me to forgive him)I was able to not only forgive him, but basically put it all in the past.

Those of you who think that this book would end up hurting more people than it will help, I just want to say to you that if I can forgive what I was told, that there is hope for those spouses who need to forgive. As long as they are properly prepared, any one can forgive, after all, isn't that what we've been called to do?

Grace and peace to you all!

[MissScripture]

[quote name='Mrs. Bro. Adam' date='05 July 2010 - 10:17 AM' timestamp='1278339460' post='2137867']
My two cents, for whatever they're worth:

I DO think that you should continue writing this book. So many young men and women are raised to believe that M and p0rn are acceptable means of entertainment this year and no consequences are EVER revealed to them when they are young? I personally believe that this particular addiction is a BIG factor in why there are SO many divorces. Men (and women) end up ashamed in what they are doing, and instead of reaching out for help, because they are afraid of being shunned or judged instead of helped, they instead keep their struggles to themselves. These secrets end up building a wall between the spouses in their marriage until the marriage falls apart for an "unknown" reason, or one spouse catches the other in the addiction. I FIRMLY believe that this book could help SAVE MANY marriages. How? By showing that there is freedom and life beyond this addiction, and that true love CAN prevail if we allow it to.

Many people think, having never gone through this, that they would NOT want to be told and will tell others with this addiction that they should NOT tell their spouse. I think that this is a hindrance to the addicted person's recovery. If they CANNOT tell their spouse, who is supposed to love them thick AND thin, then who CAN they tell? Who would be by their side?

All I can say, without revealing much, is that I did not realize just how much I loved my husband until he told me EVERYTHING. ANd with Jesus's help (yes, I said a prayer AS he was telling me asking Jesus to help me to forgive him)I was able to not only forgive him, but basically put it all in the past.

Those of you who think that this book would end up hurting more people than it will help, I just want to say to you that if I can forgive what I was told, that there is hope for those spouses who need to forgive. As long as they are properly prepared, any one can forgive, after all, isn't that what we've been called to do?

Grace and peace to you all!
[/quote]
The only part you left out of the first paragraph is the part where people are told it's normal and acceptable, and it's weird not to do it, so even if they look for help, they just become more confused by it, because the people who are supposed to help are just telliing them to wallow in their sins. Otherwise, excellent post.

[Guest KevinSymonds]

I do not believe I said the book will hurt more people than it would help. There is a need for discretion was my original advice.

St. Paul was cited earlier as a witness to preaching the Gospel.

I will point out that not even he named the thorn in his flesh given him for the sake of humility.

For your sake and the sake of your husband, I hope he takes seriously my later advice on reading Bl. Newman on Evangelicalism. It can only help the message behind the book, which, I presume, is the purpose for which your husband writes.

-KJS

Edited July 5, 2010 by KevinSymonds

[Brother Adam]

Kevin, God bless you for your concern. I continue to be in close touch with several other leaders in this area, as well as my spiritual director, and other priests and religious I am talking to as I form this book. I have read Newman extensively in my training at Franciscan, so I know what he says on evangelization, but if there is something in particular you want to talk about you are welcome to email me.

Regarding specifically naming the problem, there is a very real reason and need to do so here, as other witnesses have. There is a certain denialism of the problem in society today which is destroying the domestic church and the ability of Christians to love. The line that has to be walked is what kind of detail to give, and the answer is, not much unless you would excite the imagination of listeners. Just like SA operates, there is grace in knowing that you are not alone, and great hope in knowing you can get out of the addiction.

Most of the emails I have gotten so far other than encouragement from others who have experienced this problem and found freedom, in general, say "wow, I thought I was pretty much alone in this battle, and I need to know how you got out of it - it gives me hope - and I want to be free too".

[Guest KevinSymonds]

[quote name='Brother Adam' date='05 July 2010 - 12:18 PM' timestamp='1278346739' post='2137898']
Kevin, God bless you for your concern. I continue to be in close touch with several other leaders in this area, as well as my spiritual director, and other priests and religious I am talking to as I form this book. I have read Newman extensively in my training at Franciscan, so I know what he says on evangelization, but if there is something in particular you want to talk about you are welcome to email me.[/quote]

Evangelical[i]ism[/i], not evangel[i]ization[/i]. What does Newman say on Evangelicalism?

[quote]Regarding specifically naming the problem, there is a very real reason and need to do so here, as other witnesses have. There is a certain denialism of the problem in society today which is destroying the domestic church and the ability of Christians to love. The line that has to be walked is what kind of detail to give, and the answer is, not much unless you would excite the imagination of listeners. Just like SA operates, there is grace in knowing that you are not alone, and great hope in knowing you can get out of the addiction.

Most of the emails I have gotten so far other than encouragement from others who have experienced this problem and found freedom, in general, say "wow, I thought I was pretty much alone in this battle, and I need to know how you got out of it - it gives me hope - and I want to be free too".[/quote]

With all due respect, Adam, you already have your mind made up and have surrounded yourself with people who will not challenge you. You asked the questions, "Should I write this book? Should I tell this story?"

Why did you [i]really[/i] start this thread?

There is no need to answer me here or elsewhere as my question is for self-reflection only.

-KJS