Sympathies

[AugustineA]

Often when something inside us changes we cannot figure out if it is for better or for worse. It takes some time and review of how it affects our relationships. Well, I've been undergoing some change lately. I find it difficult to communicate with people. That's not too extraordinary; I was a quiet kid. It wasn't unusual for my older sister to speak for me.

 

I have been feeling a heavy weight on my heart. That isn't too extraordinary either. Four years ago that weight finally broke my heart when I saw a lady with Alzheimer's being mistreated by a police officer. I was opening the door to my bedroom that night and wept uncontrollably at his cruelty and her confusion. There is a man missing a leg who works in my office. Two weeks ago I saw him struggling down the hallway and was pained. I felt anger and sadness for him. 

 

I understood what it was today. It's sorrow. The Polish Jews used to sing in the ghetto: "Do not burn for sorrow". It hurt. It reminded me of my grandmother's brothers dying alone in Italy. It wasn't martyrdom. It's a cold disorder, an ambivalence, a hardness of heart that rusts and collects in the souls of men and women.

 

I'm not depressed. I know depression, and isolation. I know the threat of despair. I'm working hard, getting by, improving in material areas in my life, helping the lady who took care of me as a child, exercising daily. More importantly, I'm praying everyday, improving in prayer, overcoming sins I used to confess weekly. But I still have a deep feeling of sorrow. I want to find a warm field, fall asleep, and go home where nobody hurts anymore, but there is work to do.

 

I'm posting this to the brothers and sisters in religious life or discerning it. If you will pray for me, please offer it instead for the people dying in Ukraine and Africa, and the homeless and anyone suffering at this moment. I will do the same, and God who felt the weight of the world will do with this wound what he will. And if you feel the same, well.. you are not alone. 

 

[edit: please moderator do not move this, but delete it if you have to. The other brothers and sisters on this forum are good spirited, but will joke and argue and mock.] 

 

Edited May 7, 2014 by AugustineA

[beatitude]

Augustine, I know what you mean, I've experienced what you describe - a sense of being raw-skinned and chafing under cold air. I will pray for you (prayer for you doesn't cancel out prayer for suffering people in the Ukraine, it can only enrich such prayer :) ) and for the world to know Christ's kindness. Have you ever come across St Isaac the Syrian? I think you might benefit from reading his stuff, if you haven't. This passage comes from a homily of his:

 

What is a merciful heart? It is a heart on fire for the whole of creation, for humanity, for the birds, for the animals, for demons, and for all that exists. By the recollection of them the eyes of a merciful person pour forth tears in abundance. By the strong and vehement mercy that grips such a person’s heart, and by such great compassion, the heart is humbled and one cannot bear to hear or to see any injury or slight sorrow in any in creation. For this reason, such a person offers up tearful prayer continually even for irrational beasts, for the enemies of the truth, and for those who harm her or him, that they be protected and receive mercy. And in like manner such a person prays for the family of reptiles because of the great compassion that burns without measure in a heart that is in the likeness of God.

 

 

[SilentJoy]

The Church was born in the impaled heart of a crucified God, and the only way to understand life and love, is to learn to live with a broken heart; allow pain to enter and don't try to stop it, or to get "even," or to shield the heart by building up walls to protect yourself from loving.

[Credo in Deum]

"Sometimes the only way the good Lord can get into some hearts is to break them" --Ven. Fulton J. Sheen

Edited May 7, 2014 by Credo in Deum

[marigold]

I live with this all the time, AugustineA. It's one of the things that keeps me from backsliding into atheism :)

[maximillion]

The ability to be sensitive to the pain of other is what makes us human, and produces the impulse to compassionate.......the cross is the only way of making sense of this in an imperfect world.

[The Bus Station]

Beautifully said, AA.  I recommend praying the stations of the cross ... no better way to understand suffering than to walk the road to Calvary with Him.

[cmaD2006]

[edit: please moderator do not move this, but delete it if you have to. The other brothers and sisters on this forum are good spirited, but will joke and argue and mock.]

Oh gosh no I won't move this ... I think it is quite appropriate here.

I'm going through my own growth period of having a raw soul (from having a layer of stone removed) .... and I think you will find that a number of us here in VS get it (at least partially).

Praying for you.

[brandelynmarie]

Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, make my heart like unto Thine.

Praying for you, AugustineA....& for all who suffer when others suffer. The very word compassion means "to suffer with".....

[maximillion]

Rawness and sensitivity are signs of an open heart. Not comfortable but an indication that you are going in the right direction, IMO, and if you needed one.

[Catherine Therese]

AugustineA - I'm struggling with something very, very similar at the moment. I can't really make a whole lot of sense of it (and am trying to resist the temptation to "systemise" it and make it all "make sense" - because chances are if it makes sense I'm on the wrong track... I'm not sure its SUPPOSED to make sense without eternal perspective).

It is affecting the very depths of my person, and I can't really articulate clearly what is going on, and the few with whom I've tried think me weird and over-sensitive.

THANK YOU.

One of the biggest lies the evil one tries to sell is the old "you are alone" trick. Alienation is NOT of God. Our Lord prayed at the Last Supper that all would be one, as He and the Father are one. Thank you for sharing what you did - you've helped to show me that I am not alone.

Meanwhile, SilentJoy - your comment "The Church was born in the impaled heart of a crucified God, and the only way to understand life and love, is to learn to live with a broken heart" - was that a quote, or was that you? Either way, WOW. I'm grateful you posted that, it will be the source of MUCH meditation, it REALLY spoke to me. You have quite some facility with language!

[SilentJoy]

Meanwhile, SilentJoy - your comment "The Church was born in the impaled heart of a crucified God, and the only way to understand life and love, is to learn to live with a broken heart" - was that a quote, or was that you? Either way, WOW. I'm grateful you posted that, it will be the source of MUCH meditation, it REALLY spoke to me. You have quite some facility with language!

I was quoting myself; I'm happy if it was useful. I think it came up mostly after reading Mother Mary Francis' "Anime Christe." There is a chapter on the heart of Jesus and what it means to allow the sword to strike through even the peritoneum, the heart's last defense.