Becoming more assertive

[beatitude]

In real life (less so online!) I have a problem with assertiveness. I'm much better than I was when I was younger, but it's still difficult for me to voice criticism of people when necessary or to stand up for myself if I'm being taken advantage of in some way. Part of this is just my personality - I tend to be quite shy and awkward. But another part is that I'm not always sure where to draw the line between being patient and being a doormat.

Here is a recent example. A classmate asked if she could stay the night at my house on the day before she was due to go hiking on a nearby trail. I like this classmate and was happy that she wanted to visit, so I agreed. She cancelled the visit on the night before she was due to come as bad weather was predicted on the trail, but asked to reschedule for another week. We rescheduled. She cancelled on the day of the visit because she was nervous about her ability to find her way to my house alone, but insisted that we should rearrange a third time (and she really was insistent). I offered to meet her at a central location and show her the way to my house, which she seemed grateful for. But this time she didn't even bother to cancel. I texted her on the night before the visit to confirm exactly where we would meet, and got a reply the following morning that consisted of, "I only just saw this. A friend is arriving from France today, sorry!"

At this something in me snapped. This was the third time my schedule had been disrupted by her at short or zero notice, and I'd been about to set off on a three-hour round trip for her sake. I was pretty upset. I understood that she had never really wanted to visit me, she had just wanted a convenient place to stay before her hike, and she would always change her plans at the last minute if something better turned up. I sent her a short message that read, "It's OK, but my schedule is very busy from now on, so we'll have to forget about this visit. Have fun with your friend." Since then I haven't heard from her at all. I'm still pretty hurt, as I like her. It's doubly hard as a PhD is a very intense and solitary experience. I don't have much time for socialising, and it's not great for my mood if I set my one free afternoon of the week aside for a visit that never happens.

I want to prevent myself from getting into similar situations with people in the future. This isn't the worst incident like this (six or seven years ago I had a friend who seemed to think she was entitled to live with me rent-free, gatecrash all my social events, and even go through my mail - I really was a doormat back then!) but I still have a long way to go. Has anyone on PM struggled with a similar thing, particularly with distinguishing between being patient and hospitable as a Christian and being taken advantage of? And if so, how did you deal with it in the end?

Edited April 15, 2015 by beatitude

[marigold]

I just spent the better part of an hour writing out a long response, and I've just seen that my own thinking on this doesn't really add up! So I'm saving it and will wait to see what others say.

I'm in much the same position, but coming from the opposite end! I'm assertive, but I hate conflict, and I've been actively trying to figure out domineering vs. doormat for as long as I've been Christian

[Winchester]

I made friends out of the woodland animals near my home. I now command an army of mice, hawks, owls, stray ferrets, and coyotes. If someone doesn't show up when they're supposed to, the coyotes and hawks find and subdue them. Then the vegetarian animals consume them. It's much worse to be eaten by an herbivore because they're so bad at it.

 

If you do not have the power to speak with animals, this probably isn't the solution for you. A friend of mine down the road built a programmable death ray using an old refrigerator and a spare laptop. If you're good at science that might be a workable solution.

As St. Francis said: "I'm coming, and I'm bringing Hell with me."

[superblue]

Sorry to hear ya went through that beatitude, and you deserve major kudos on the way you handled this person, ya gave her the benefit of the doubt and didn't seek a fight with the last minute bail out.  I could write a novel or two on my experiences from this topic alone.. In the end it just takes practice and knowing when to hold em an fold em. IF that person you spoke of had any common sense what so ever, she would have realized that what she did was inconsiderate and offered a little more of an apology with sincerity included. Trust your gut more often Beatitude on when the right time is to stand up for yourself.  I have had to stand up to a manager a few years back who was getting his jollies on making my life miserable, I did it in a calm and firm manner and he did back off for like week at best. When we lack self confidence or assertiveness even small situations become a real challenge.... I would say in a pinch; a short prayer to anyone of your choosing for strength and courage to be able to speak up when needed would be beneficial ; I def find short prayers through out the day for the simplest of things ( to some people ) but are harder for me help a great deal.

[Basilisa Marie]

Honestly I wouldn't have allowed her to reschedule a third time, and after what she pulled that third time I'd pretty much cut her off. Or at least cut her down to someone who's a friendly acquaintance but not a friend. If someone wants to stay at your place because they want to do something else, then it's their job to get there and figure it out. You're doing the nice thing by giving them a couch to crash on, some food to eat, and a shower. And you certainly don't have to make a three hour round trip to help them find your house - if they're an adult they can put on their big kid pantaloons and figure out how to read a map or use GPS. 

In the future, I'd give them one chance to reschedule, and then if they still flake out consider it cancelled. And I really don't think she just saw the text - that sounds like something I would say if I were trying to get out of a social occasion that I was too cowardly to address head on, lol. 

[Era Might]

Two quotes I like.

"Get all the flakes out of your life. Find out who you can count on, and who you can count out."

and

"Don't make someone a priority who has made you an option."

Being assertive means respecting yourself, and making sure other people live up to the same respect you have for yourself. She may be a nice person, but even nice people need to learn lessons in life, and the only lesson you can teach her is to respect YOU.

If you want to put it in a spiritual context, making sure people respect you is to instruct the ignorant (it's charitable to assume they're just ignorant of their disrespect). If they still continue, wipe the dust from your feet and move on, because they aren't ignorant, they just don't care.

Edited April 15, 2015 by Era Might

[PhuturePriest]

I've had a similar experience. I had a friend in my old town who wanted to hangout all the time, and then after a while she would schedule for us to meet and then cancel for any reason, and then continue to do this every single time with the lamest excuses on the planet. After a while I got sick of this and decided this wasn't excusable behavior from a friend. 

So I killed her. I had her head shrunk, and it hangs on my rear-view mirror as a nice reminder of my old town. It smells strangely like peaches.

[Not A Mallard]

...So I killed her.

​

[superblue]

dang I mallard now I gota pull that episode up from my ST collection ! R.I.P D.K aka Bones aka the Best doc Star Fleet ever had.

[PhuturePriest]

​

​Her shrunken head is dangling from my rear-view mirror. I would be more concerned about that.

[Tab'le De'Bah-Rye]

some people use, some abuse and some love. How it iz in the bizz. And we have to love them all. Perhaps it was just a series of unfortunate events that this class mate had, we always must consider that, even if it seems to be the regular for our life. And yes it is bad to say you will show up in 30 minutes and an hour and a half haven't shown up to your appointment without a call, why? Because if we weren't waiting for the person to show up we could be doing something else but because we are waiting we don't want to start something we can't finish. People just don't care anymore about manners, manners help morals and they don't want morals and half of the ones that do use them when it suits there own advantage and not consistently, perhaps.

[Not A Mallard]

​Her shrunken head is dangling from my rear-view mirror. I would be more concerned about that.

​

[Lilllabettt]

Beatitude, I think you handled it well. When I discover that someone is really not nice to know, I suddenly become very busy. I pretend to be excited to get together as a general idea, but when the particulars come up I am always too busy. Of course, most people realize that we make time for the things we really want to do. So most people who get this treatment from me eventually get the point that I am not interested and leave me be.

Unfortunately, this method does not work as a prophylactic. It requires an unpleasant experience before you can use it. I'm afraid people who are generous and give will always run the risk of meeting people who are selfish and take. 

[franciscanheart]

I'm sorry that happened, beatitude. It is hurtful and can be discouraging to be disregarded in such a manner. I will be praying for you!

Edited April 16, 2015 by franciscanheart

[marigold]

I'm glad I waited and didn't put out my PhD thesis in vagueness  Everyone is giving really good advice here and I'm taking some of it too!