Coming to Terms with the Cloister

[Filia Dei]

Through a lot of time thinking and praying about the cloistered life, (and some inspiration and a lot of grace of the Holy Spirit!) I have come to find great beauty in the cloistered vocation. However, I face a great difficulty in communicating the beauty and gift of the cloister with those closest to me who see the possibility that I might enter such a life as a great loss. Obviously, it is an incredible gift that these people love me so deeply that they don't want to lose me or any part of our relationship, and I very much respect this struggle - it took me a long time to be open to this life, too. It pains me to see the grief that such a call might cause my family. Does anyone have thoughts on how I could better explain to them why a contemplative soul would choose the cloister walls, the grille, limited contact with family, this profound separation from the world and from loved ones?

I have heard some nuns explain it as a protection of their own stillness or the heart of prayer, because the cloister contains the indwelling of the Trinity and we must protect it like a ribcage protects the heart. However, this explanation has served only to suggest that my loved ones are a threat to my relationship with God or that they are unwanted, and this is certainly not the case.

I also recognize that this struggle that my discernment causes my family might just be a cross that the Lord would like me to bear. 

 

Advice or no advice, please pray for my family and me in this discernment journey!

[Lou]

What you have written is very beautiful, and I think it's always worth remembering that the one who is given the vocation is at an advantage. If you go to https://poorclares.ie/videos and watch the second video down, 'Sr Colette on ''The Meaning of Life'' there is something to it.

I also think that it's very important to remember that there is mystery involved, and trying to convince them of the merit of the life or the use of it or the sense of it is relatively futile at times. Sometimes it takes a family to visit the cloister, meet nuns who are normal, talkative, kind, fully themselves to accept it by degrees, and then in time to see you contented and happy to come to like the place or the life more. 

Sometimes we make the mistake of recommending books or videos they can watch (I pasted the above video for you, not them really), but ultimately the only thing that might help them is a growth in faith and a seeing and witnessing that this is the life where you will be best/most fully alive/ totally given.

[lorenyKylen]

On 3/5/2026 at 6:36 AM, Filia Dei said:

Through a lot of time thinking and praying about the cloistered life, (and some inspiration and a lot of grace of the Holy Spirit!) I have come to find great beauty in the cloistered vocation. However, I face a great difficulty in communicating the beauty and gift of the cloister with those closest to me who see the possibility that I might enter such a life as a great loss. Obviously, it is an incredible gift that these people love me so deeply that they don't want to lose me or any part of our relationship, and I very much respect this struggle - it took me a long time to be open to this life, too. It pains me to see the grief that such a call might cause my family. Does anyone have thoughts on how I could better explain to them why a contemplative soul would choose the cloister walls, the grille, limited contact with family, this profound separation from the world and from loved ones?

I have heard some nuns explain it as a protection of their own stillness or the heart of prayer, because the cloister contains the indwelling of the Trinity and we must protect it like a ribcage protects the heart. However, this explanation has served only to suggest that my loved ones are a threat to my relationship with God or that they are unwanted, and this is certainly not the case.

I also recognize that this struggle that my discernment causes my family might just bruce bet https://brucebet-de.de/ be a cross that the Lord would like me to bear. 

 

Advice or no advice, please pray for my family and me in this discernment journey!

Es ist verständlich, dass deine Familie die Trennung schwer sieht. Du könntest erklären, dass das Leben im Kloster keine Ablehnung von ihnen bedeutet, sondern ein Dienst an Gott und der Welt durch Gebet und Hingabe ist. Die Mauern schützen die Stille, damit das Herz für Gott offen bleibt – ähnlich wie ein Schutzraum für Liebe und Licht. Betone, dass du sie im Gebet begleitest und ihre Liebe weiterhin wertschätzt, auch wenn der äußere Kontakt begrenzt ist.

[JHFamily]

When I think of how many good Catholic parents lament their children's vocations, it is no stretch to understand that trying to understand the cloister is impossible without the given grace. It is so out of the ordinary, so radical, the line from The Song of Bernadette is so applicable, "For those who believe, no explanation is necessary; for those who do not believe, no explanation is possible."

However, it is an act of charity to want them to understand and to try to explain it! 

1. The Antechamber of Heaven. Cloisters have long been referred to as Antechambers of Heaven. They stand somewhere between heaven and Earth. Here, they devote their entire lives to preparing themselves for the Eternal Gates to be open to them. Those who live in the world hardly ever prepare themselves in this way, therefore, this sacred space cannot be open to them. It is a special, sacred space reserved for those who are in final preparations for their entry into Heaven.

2. On the flip side, your parents will always know who you're with, what you're wearing, and what you're doing! Sometimes, humor can explain more than all sorts of analogies and arguments.

3. I probably wouldn't use this one for your parents, but it may help you to understand the enclosure's importance. They are places where a religious is able to live only for God and must be detached even from their family. Let's admit it: once the doors are open, the world begins to seep in, even by well-intentioned family members that do not understand what it means to live religious life because they have never lived it!  Close contact can reignite those disordered attachments to those we love. We must love each other only for the sake of God! The enclosure protects that. At the same time, it is well noted that rightly ordered love between family members is important to our emotional and spiritual lives, hence they would never be cut off completely.

 

[4Shore]

You can't explain it to your loved ones.  You can try but none of us can make someone feel the way we want them to. Entering is up to you.  How they feel about it is not. If your loved ones are religious it may help over time.  Don't try to convince them it's not a loss, because it is, in fact, a loss.

One parent's perspective:

My daughter went in years ago.  I miss my daughter. Her absence is felt every time I want to talk to her, every family milestone or event, every time I write. I write a letter every month but I hate the superficiality of it all.  You can't have a real conversation. The monastery reads the letters.  If you write about how you feel, they coach her through how to 'grey rock' it. She doesn't have much to write back because most of what she does is pray.

I visit as much as they permit, but I hate the restrictive visitation schedule.  You get 10 hrs per year, a letter each month and 30 minutes of phone time on her birthday.  Everyone is incredibly nice, but it becomes clear very quickly that we are not part of their community.  Their focus is not parents/family/friends. The visit is set to work around their daily schedule. You want to visit, you follow the schedule.  Visits are broken into 1 hr 40 min in the morning, and again in the afternoon for 3 days.  Not enough time to really do anything else during the day.  You just spend it waiting.  I can't hug her. I can't take a walk with her. I can't have a meal with her.  With the grid, the bars are so close together I can't get a clear look at her face.  With the limited contact our relationship stops having most of the mutual shared experiences on which relationships are built. 

The cloister is intended to separate you from the world and that includes your family and friends.  Successful nuns make peace with this.  Your people may or may not.

I joined just to respond to this. I lurk here in case anything is posted that even tangentially has anything to do with my daughter and have for years.

[Luigi]

Thank you for your response, 4Shore. It's the most informative and honest parent-of-a-nun perspective I've ever read. 

I have a follow-up question, if you don't mind - several actually because I'm not really sure what I'm trying to ask. Do you feel like you've 'sacrificed' your daughter to the cloister? Is there any satisfaction in that, such as I've heard parents-of-military talk about?

[4Shore]

1 hour ago, Luigi said:

Thank you for your response, 4Shore. It's the most informative and honest parent-of-a-nun perspective I've ever read. 

I have a follow-up question, if you don't mind - several actually because I'm not really sure what I'm trying to ask. Do you feel like you've 'sacrificed' your daughter to the cloister? Is there any satisfaction in that, such as I've heard parents-of-military talk about?

Luigi, Interesting concept.  I don't view it as a sacrifice.  Sacrifice to me implies something intentional for some greater good.  I don't share the sense that the cloister is a greater good and nothing was intentional on my part.  This is just a personal view, and I don't mean it to interfere with anyone's faith or journey, but the cloister to me seems an extreme, a lack of moderation and balance.  It's all prayer and no world.  In my Catholic upbringing I recall Jesus preparing for 40 days in the wilderness, then returning to the world.  That said, my daughter is very happy and at-peace where she is.  If I have any sense of sacrifice at all it's that I try not to make my letters and visits be about me.  I'm sure I'm not always successful in that, but my 'sacrifice' is for my child, not any higher purpose.  I'm certain there are other parents on the forum who will have their own thoughts and insights.

Also, apologies.  I don't want to hijack Filia Dei's thread.  She is having an honest struggle with the tension between what she wants and how it impacts others.  Perhaps the concept of sacrifice will be meaningful to her loved ones.

[JHFamily]

4Shore, my heart breaks for you. It is true that some parents never understand in this life why their daughter may choose the cloister. However, many do come to this understanding by learning the deep happiness that only can be gained from detaching yourself from the things of this world and uniting yourself to our good Lord with all your might. But, the sacrifice is real and it is yours, even though you didn't volunteer for it and even hate it, just as the infants at Bethlehem sacrificed their lives unwillingly at the hands of Herod.  If you accept it patiently, you will be rewarded greatly.

I have to disagree, though, in saying that your daughter has nothing to talk about because all she does is pray!  There is still interesting work that gets done, feast days with their recreations (and musical performances, skits and plays), animals that come and go, interesting tidbits learned about religious themes, etc. I'm pretty sure I know which community your daughter may be with, and I know these things do, in fact, happen.

I know well two mothers with cloistered daughters.  One has never come to terms with her daughter being in the cloister. This mother would write criticizing certain aspects, belly-aching about losing her daughter, etc. And very quickly the daughter quit writing letters with much detail because she knew what the response would be. So, she adjusted her letters to be neutral and non-offensive, and thus, never had much to say. The other mother was quite happy to give her daughters to the cloister, thanks in large part to her own trial in the cloister and intimate knowledge of its joys, and she never considered it a lost. She becomes excited to see her children grow up and become their own persons. Her daughters write very detailed letters, she has gotten to know some of the other families of the nuns, and she recognizes some of the nuns by name.  She feels very much a part of the community. Two mothers, two very similar situations, two entirely different experiences and outcomes. 

You have described yourself as not only disagreeing with your daughter's choice, but being antagonistic towards it. The Mothers would need to help her to cope with that so that she wouldn't have a mental breakdown over it or simply cave to what you want for her. You don't describe yourself as someone who has actually tried to be understanding or accepting in the least. Sometimes, we just need to exert ourselves a bit and look at the positive aspects rather than all the negatives.

I will pray for you and your daughter very much. It must be very painful to have to sacrifice without any understanding whatsoever.

 

Edited March 16 by JHFamily

[JHFamily]

6 hours ago, 4Shore said:

I miss my daughter. Her absence is felt every time I want to talk to her, every family milestone or event, every time I write. 

I tried to tag you in my last post but didn't do it successfully.

[4Shore]

15 minutes ago, JHFamily said:

I tried to tag you in my last post but didn't do it successfully.

It's kind of you to pray.  I have been more honest here about the friction around seeing her than I have been with her. I don't want my issue to be her issue.  I understand why she went in. I get updates from her on the day-to-day happenings.  I still miss her.  It's not the same kind of shared experience you get living your life with your loved ones.

You say you know two mothers.  Perhaps one or both will have some insights for the OP.  My only insight remains that the OP can't choose how others will feel.  

[Lea]

Dear @Filia Dei
as someone who's in her second year of novitiate in an apostolic community, my situation is not quite the same, and my family (surprisingly, because most of them are not practicing catholicism) were not against me entering, but what I see with my fellow sisters is that most parents and families come around eventually. 
One sister said even those crying their eyes out when a daughter/ sister enters usually are able to celebrate with her on her day of final profession. That is the "average" experience. There are also some who never come to terms with it and then mostly also don't want any contact with their daughter/ sister, and like mine, some are supportive right from the beginning. 

So as much as I understand the desire for one's family to understand and support your possible entrance to the cloister, maybe you can hold on to this bit of hope when they have a longer road ahead of them. (As well as you, the sacrifice is very real for both sides!)

All the best and I'll be praying for you!!