Healthy formation in religious life

[Guadalupe365]

Hey all,

I have been lurking on this phorum for quite some time and I appreciate the wise answers many folks here give. I'll get right to the point: I'm discerning religious life with an order, currently as an aspirant just staying with the community but have some concerns about their formation process - I have not received any clear answers on what it will be like. Which, I know some of that is normal and to be expected, but the reason I am concerned is that these fellow sisters shared THEIR formation experience back in the day and it is rather strict and frankly would be considered abusive by today's vocational standards (asking forgiveness for dropping forks, public humiliations for postulants who did not finish their food on time)...the only clear answer I've gotten is that I would be spending my formation abroad doing hard manual labor such as farming, butchery, singing, studying, praying and playing. The sisters have expressed to me that this formation process may be still strict as it was back in their day, but they can't confirm the details of that. I appreciate their efforts to tell me what they can, but a part of me is starting to feel suspicious. I also am noticing I don't feel like their prayer style is aligned with what I am looking for in an order. I don't want to be anti-cross and a complainer, but rather am looking for feedback to help me make the best decision :) I have been considering the Sisters of Life as well because their order is fantastically run and I hear nothing but great things about them. What do you think? 

 

[Luigi]

You're still in the aspirant stage. You have no formal commitment to this order, nor they to you. 

It sounds to me like you're reading the signs. It sounds to me like your instincts are trying to tell you something. 

I'm not saying you should abandon this order, but you have plenty of time to look around at other orders. 

Follow your instincts. Contact other orders. Take advantage of any Come & See opportunities, or weekend live-ins, or what have you. 

It's just like looking for a spouse - you don't have to marry the first man you meet/date. To quote The Marvelettes, "There's too many fish in the sea." And there are plenty of other orders out there. Look around. When you do make a choice, you'll have some criteria for comparing and contrasting.

[Guadalupe365]

5 minutes ago, Luigi said:

You're still in the aspirant stage. You have no formal commitment to this order, nor they to you. 

It sounds to me like you're reading the signs. It sounds to me like your instincts are trying to tell you something. 

I'm not saying you should abandon this order, but you have plenty of time to look around at other orders. 

Follow your instincts. Contact other orders. Take advantage of any Come & See opportunities, or weekend live-ins, or what have you. 

It's just like looking for a spouse - you don't have to marry the first man you meet/date. To quote The Marvelettes, "There's too many fish in the sea." And there are plenty of other orders out there. Look around. When you do make a choice, you'll have some criteria for comparing and contrasting.

Thank you, I was just about to email the Sisters of Life, so I will take that as a good next discernment step. Kudos!

[jubilatedeo]

On 3/30/2026 at 12:14 PM, Luigi said:

You're still in the aspirant stage. You have no formal commitment to this order, nor they to you. 

It sounds to me like you're reading the signs. It sounds to me like your instincts are trying to tell you something. 

I'm not saying you should abandon this order, but you have plenty of time to look around at other orders. 

Follow your instincts. Contact other orders. Take advantage of any Come & See opportunities, or weekend live-ins, or what have you. 

It's just like looking for a spouse - you don't have to marry the first man you meet/date. To quote The Marvelettes, "There's too many fish in the sea." And there are plenty of other orders out there. Look around. When you do make a choice, you'll have some criteria for comparing and contrasting.

Do you have a regular spiritual director?

[Luigi]

I don't, but I'm not discerning religious life. 

Is your question for me or for Guadalupe365?

[jubilatedeo]

On 3/31/2026 at 10:32 PM, Luigi said:

I don't, but I'm not discerning religious life. 

Is your question for me or for Guadalupe365?

Yes I’m so sorry Luigi!! 

On 3/30/2026 at 12:20 PM, Guadalupe365 said:

Thank you, I was just about to email the Sisters of Life, so I will take that as a good next discernment step. Kudos!

Do you have a regular spiritual director?

[Luigi]

[Lea]

On 3/30/2026 at 6:34 PM, Guadalupe365 said:

Hey all,

I have been lurking on this phorum for quite some time and I appreciate the wise answers many folks here give. I'll get right to the point: I'm discerning religious life with an order, currently as an aspirant just staying with the community but have some concerns about their formation process - I have not received any clear answers on what it will be like. Which, I know some of that is normal and to be expected, but the reason I am concerned is that these fellow sisters shared THEIR formation experience back in the day and it is rather strict and frankly would be considered abusive by today's vocational standards (asking forgiveness for dropping forks, public humiliations for postulants who did not finish their food on time)...the only clear answer I've gotten is that I would be spending my formation abroad doing hard manual labor such as farming, butchery, singing, studying, praying and playing. The sisters have expressed to me that this formation process may be still strict as it was back in their day, but they can't confirm the details of that. I appreciate their efforts to tell me what they can, but a part of me is starting to feel suspicious. I also am noticing I don't feel like their prayer style is aligned with what I am looking for in an order. I don't want to be anti-cross and a complainer, but rather am looking for feedback to help me make the best decision :) I have been considering the Sisters of Life as well because their order is fantastically run and I hear nothing but great things about them. What do you think? 

 

Hey Guadalupe,

you are asking yourself very important questions. I'm currently a second-year novice with an apostolic community myself, and just a few days ago I came back from an internoviciate (a meeting for novices from a bunch of different communities alongside their formators covering topics like the vows). There I witnessed a variety of different forms, and with much regret I have to say, levels of quality and professionalism in the formation processes of the communities.

For some (e.g. the Jesuit in Birmingham or the Franciscans in Dublin) this includes quite a bit of physical labour. During my postulancy, I did my fair share of gardening as well. But nonetheless, prayer, recreation and studies (both classes and self-study) take up significant room. Maybe you could inquire to the formation director and ask some questions about the balance of activities. 
Also it seems reasonable to rule out potential red flags for spiritual abuse (for example wether you're allowed to choose your spiritual director and confessor outside the community, will be able to stay in touch with your family and friends back home, how they deal with personal needs like hygiene products etc)
Maybe a look into the constitutions (and formation handbook or something like this, if available) could be helpful as well. 
CIC 646 and the following norms also set a certain tone. 

When I entered I signed a contract covering the contents of formation. I also got some contacts to turn to if something seemed "off" or abusive. Lateron I realized a revision of this paper would be good. As of now it doesn't state anything protective compared to general workers rights, and on the internoviciate I encountered novices who struggle really badly. For example, in a given benedictine community the novice master decides if a novice is "ill enough" (even with a doctor's note) to stay in bed, receive some treatment or just recover or still has to get up for prayer, meals and manual work. That seems very inappropriate to me. 

All the best and I'll be praying for you!