prose Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 Okay... I had a similar situation (like I was saying). I actually needed closure so bad with his parents (his parents we mentally abusive- if that makes sense), that I actually phoned them to clear things up. Unfortunately my ex answered (he didn't live there anymore, but it just happens that he was visiting). What a mess. Anyways, long story short, I never got the closure I thought I needed from his family. I was so wonky at the time. Anyways, now I am so glad that the door was closed. It allowed me to heal, separate from them and him. As for him, he repeatedly kept returning into my life, and no matter how hard I tried, he would always win me back. One day, he got a job in another city and just left. Thank goodness. It allowed me to truly heal. Now, when you say "Settle" things, what are you settling exactly? That he hurt you? Trust me, he knows. That you were really angry? He knows that too. That you just need to vent? You've got the phamily for that. If you are meant for marriage, there is a perfect, God-chosen man waiting for you. Don't waste any more time on this one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rachael Posted September 17, 2007 Author Share Posted September 17, 2007 I just want that closure. I want to ask questions of him. To pick his brain. Maybe it's asking too much - probably is. I'm probably crazy for asking for it. I just want closure of some sort. He got it, so why can't I? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lil Red Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prose Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 What do you want to ask? Are they questions that he will actually be able to answer - like "Where did you hide my iPod?" Or are they rhetorical questions that you want to throw out there like "Why did you hurt me like you did?" or "Why did you lie about stuff?" You know if it is the latter that you won't get an honest answer. What is he gonna say "Cuz I was mad." or "I dunno...." The thing is, what is your reasoning. Sometimes it is better to leave bandaids on the cut for a while so that the wound has time to heal. Don't rip it off just to look at the damage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sojourner Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 [quote name='rachael' post='1387085' date='Sep 17 2007, 12:04 PM']I just want that closure. I want to ask questions of him. To pick his brain. Maybe it's asking too much - probably is. I'm probably crazy for asking for it. I just want closure of some sort. He got it, so why can't I?[/quote] It would be nice. But it's probably not possible. Particularly given the history between the two of you. Some people can't be mature enough to talk through the things that happened. Given what's transpired already between you, better to smell of elderberries it up and forget trying to get closure. If you're looking for some sort of rational explanation of his behavior, it probably doesn't exist anyway. So come up with something plausible, tell yourself that's what he was thinking or doing, and do your best to move on. It's not really closure, but I don't think re-opening discussions at this point would be good. Maybe in 20 years over coffee someplace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lil Red Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 [quote name='prose' post='1387104' date='Sep 17 2007, 11:16 AM']What do you want to ask? Are they questions that he will actually be able to answer - like "Where did you hide my iPod?" Or are they rhetorical questions that you want to throw out there like "Why did you hurt me like you did?" or "Why did you lie about stuff?" You know if it is the latter that you won't get an honest answer. What is he gonna say "Cuz I was mad." or "I dunno...." The thing is, what is your reasoning. Sometimes it is better to leave bandaids on the cut for a while so that the wound has time to heal. Don't rip it off just to look at the damage.[/quote] wonderful advice!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rachael Posted September 17, 2007 Author Share Posted September 17, 2007 Of course it's those rhetorical questions. My reasoning is this: I can't fully heal until I get some form of closure, whatever that may be. I don't know how else to do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rachael Posted September 17, 2007 Author Share Posted September 17, 2007 (edited) double post. Edited September 17, 2007 by rachael Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sojourner Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 [quote name='rachael' post='1387109' date='Sep 17 2007, 12:20 PM']Of course it's those rhetorical questions. My reasoning is this: I can't fully heal until I get some form of closure, whatever that may be. I don't know how else to do it.[/quote] Closure is highly overrated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rachael Posted September 17, 2007 Author Share Posted September 17, 2007 [quote name='Terra Firma' post='1387113' date='Sep 17 2007, 01:21 PM']Closure is highly overrated.[/quote] Some of us thrive on it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prose Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 Okay, the thing is, will it REALLY bring you closure? Really? Probably not. It will probably make healing even longer and harder. I know how you feel. You want to yell at him or talk to him, or just to see what he would say to some things. The unfortunate part is that he probably won't give you the reaction you want or need, and now you will be back at square one. Write a letter and then throw it away if you need to vent. Don't waste anymore time or energy on this man. And certainly don't invite that poison into your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prose Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 REAL closure comes with time too, by the way. A few words may make you "feel" better for a bit, but real closure comes with working on yourself. Prayer helps a lot too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sojourner Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 [quote name='rachael' post='1387117' date='Sep 17 2007, 12:22 PM']Some of us thrive on it. [/quote] Yeah I would count myself in those numbers as well. But it takes two to tango. If the person you're trying to get closure with is too immature to handle it, you're not going to get satisfactory answers at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sojourner Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 [quote name='prose' post='1387122' date='Sep 17 2007, 12:26 PM']REAL closure comes with time too, by the way. A few words may make you "feel" better for a bit, but real closure comes with working on yourself. Prayer helps a lot too.[/quote] Yes. This is totally true. It's far better to focus on being right with God than to focus on the wrong stuff the other person did and trying to figure out why they couldn't be what you wanted them to be, or thought they could be. And I think another important question to ask yourself is, what answer could he give that would be good enough? There's no answer (in my book) that justifies someone acting like a total jerk. And for me, no matter how much I try to "understand" it, my reasons for trying to understand are really because I'm still pissed off about the jerkiness, and what I really want is an apology and acknowledgment of the a-hole behavior. But you can't make someone see that they have been a jerk, they have to recognize it and own it for themselves. All you can do is focus on yourself and whether you are doing the right thing and are in the right place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rachael Posted September 17, 2007 Author Share Posted September 17, 2007 (edited) OK, so I guess I'll just have to resist the temptation. UGH. It's gonna be hard! In the mean time, I will put a smile on my face and go buy some chocolate because chocolate is delicious. Edited September 17, 2007 by rachael Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now