Sharing One's Problems To Others

[Paladin D]

I want your thoughts on this.

Is sharing one's problems to others (such as family or friends) rather selfish? In one respect it can be, especially if it is something you can change and refuse to do it. However, how about if it's something that you don't have much control over, and feel down about it, no matter what it is (exclude the fact that some people complain more than they need to)? Also in the big scheme of things, there are millions of people that live through horrid conditions, atrocities, violence, pain, etc; why then should those who have it relatively easy, complain?


Here's an example: An avid sports fan is pumped up, extremely excited and happy that he'll be going to the championship game in which his favorite team is competing for the title. He won a contest which granted him 10 free tickets, which also includes a press box for him and his friends for the best possible view and gaming experience. An once in a life time experience, something that does not happen often to most people. Though merely a hour before the game starts, the guy who won the contest gets a call. He's a firefighter, and there's a massive fire in town and are calling every firefighter down to the station. He leaves and goes on to do his duty. By the time they put the fire out, the game has long been over. Though grateful that hundreds of endangered lives were saved due in part to his efforts, he also has missed out on an experience that he may never get another chance to do.

At the sametime... there is a child out in Africa whose parents have recently passed away, and is now going to bed hungry... again, along with her 5 other siblings. They sleep in a small shack with one room, no electricity, no running water, no A/C or heating, not even a bed mattress. The only hope they have is to wake up early the next day to go to a missions outreach for food, hoping they won't run out this time.


Would it be selfish for the man to feel upset and complain how he missed the 'ultimate game', while there is a child in Africa who is literally fighting for her life?

Your thoughts are appreciated.

[-I---Love]

There is no doubt that those in 3rd world countries suffer and experience disappointment that is not on the same scale as ours when compared.

Nevertheless the guy who missed the game, etc. is legitmately dissapointed. Feelings are real. The Psalms remind us of not hiding our down times but reveal the need for us to make them known. We can't get to Easter without Good Friday. I realize this example is a mere disappointment (and perhaps also sadness) in the grand scheme of things, and not a pain or suffering.

I'm now recalling Moltmann and others w/ soteriology, but can't quite remember what seems to apply here....

Bottom line - It seems to me that the man is not being selfish. His complaining is legitmate.
I can complain when I sprain a finger and someone else can complain when they break many bones in a freak accident. It doesn't mean the sprained finger doesn't hurt.

[MissScripture]

Not to mention, denying feelings is not healthy.

[Ash Wednesday]

I think it would depend on to what extent he or anyone else was complaining. The fact that he feels disappointed isn't going to somehow make someone starve, and disappointment would be a perfectly natural reaction in a situation like that. On the other hand if he has the goodness in his heart to be grateful about the lives that he was saving, then he probably also understands that when he became a firefighter, he knew that there would be times of missed events like this.

I was crying today because I was having back problems and I was frustrated. Does this make me selfish because someone else out there probably just had a life-altering accident and can no longer walk? I know it shows my lack of perspective. But on the other hand, I felt better afterwards and was able to refocus and move on instead of bottling things up. I find times like that help me accept things and reorient myself.

So if I feel disappointed or just plain frustrated about something, I'm not going to beat myself up over it. It doesn't mean that you don't acknowledge that things could be worse. I think it becomes a problem when it's not proactive, you basically play the victim, and lose your perspective regarding what it is you are complaining about.

Edited November 29, 2007 by Ash Wednesday

[Paladin D]

What's ironic is, I feel selfish creating this topic. It's odd. I'm aware that everyone has their own problems, so why should I hassle them? I'm not implying I never complain or anything of the sort, but there are times (such as this) I feel very selfish for doing so. The person next to me has their struggles, why should I weigh them down with mine? Why draw attention so people can hear my 'soap opera' so to speak?

I prefer listening to other peoples' problems, offering whatever knowledge, advice, or etc., I can give them. I feel better that way. I usually do not expect people to listen to mine, because I feel selfish when I do (even though I do want to share deep down). It's not a very intricate explanation, but hopefully what I said helped in some way to understand where I'm coming from.

[Paladin D]

[quote name='-I---Love' post='1426465' date='Nov 28 2007, 08:14 PM']Bottom line - It seems to me that the man is not being selfish. His complaining is legitmate.
I can complain when I sprain a finger and someone else can complain when they break many bones in a freak accident. It doesn't mean the sprained finger doesn't hurt.[/quote]

Very true.

At the sametime, a lot of the time I do not want to contribute "to the pot". As in, yes it hurts... but why complain? Afterall, the guy who broke most of his bones has more right to complain than you, therefore your case is mute. Or, there are 9 other people who sprained the same finger, why should you expect anything from complaining if there are already 9 other people complaining on the same exact problem? Similar to when people are feeling down because they haven't met "Mr/Ms Right" (which happens to me, I admit ), [b]millions[/b] complain about this one. Why should I add to the pot?


[quote name='MissScripture' post='1426466' date='Nov 28 2007, 08:25 PM']Not to mention, denying feelings is not healthy.[/quote]

Which I know to be true, but I feel more in control when I'm not letting my emotions get the better of me.




[quote name='Ash Wednesday' post='1426467' date='Nov 28 2007, 08:26 PM']So if I feel disappointed or just plain frustrated about something, I'm not going to beat myself up over it. It doesn't mean that you don't acknowledge that things could be worse. I think it becomes a problem when it's not proactive, you basically play the victim, and lose your perspective regarding what it is you are complaining about.[/quote]

Such as complaining just for the sake of complaining.

[-I---Love]

[quote name='Paladin D' post='1426476' date='Nov 28 2007, 08:38 PM']What's ironic is, I feel selfish creating this topic. It's odd. I'm aware that everyone has their own problems, so why should I hassle them? I'm not implying I never complain or anything of the sort, but there are times (such as this) I feel very selfish for doing so. The person next to me has their struggles, why should I weigh them down with mine? Why draw attention so people can hear my 'soap opera' so to speak?

I prefer listening to other peoples' problems, offering whatever knowledge, advice, or etc., I can give them. I feel better that way. I usually do not expect people to listen to mine, because I feel selfish when I do (even though I do want to share deep down). It's not a very intricate explanation, but hopefully what I said helped in some way to understand where I'm coming from.[/quote]

There is a balance b/t selflessness and taking care of oneself. It may be hard to find sometimes...

Everyone has their problems but we are a community. When one part of the body needs help the others are there to do so. When one part hurts and doesn't seek help then the body is hurt even more. Sharing our struggles w/ each other - when done fruitfully w/ other Christians in a sort of spiritual friendship - is necessary.

In this personal case, I would gather, that not sharing trivial let downs w/ a friend could become even problematic. It would seem more of a problem not to share things than to share them.

[MissScripture]

[quote name='Paladin D' post='1426489' date='Nov 28 2007, 07:55 PM']Which I know to be true, but I feel more in control when I'm not letting my emotions get the better of me.[/quote]
Well, there is a difference between letting your emotions get the best of you and not bottling them up. I mean, it's one thing to throw a hysterical fit because the water heater in your apartment is broken again, and it's quite another to acknowledge that you are irritated by it, comment (in a complaining fashion) on it to a roommate and move on with your life.
In the scenario you gave, if the guy went on griping for months about missing the game and made a huge deal about it to everyone he met, THAT would be selfish. To be disappointed for a while, and comment a couple times on it is entirely different.

[Lena]

Everyone's own personal reality is different, I know my problems are insignificant compared to most others, but that doesn't diminish them in my own little world. Nor does it mean I care any less about other people's problems---but I suppose we're all a little selfish in our own way, but you kind of have to be for self-preservation.

[Adrestia]

[quote name='Paladin D' post='1426476' date='Nov 28 2007, 06:38 PM']What's ironic is, I feel selfish creating this topic. It's odd. I'm aware that everyone has their own problems, so why should I hassle them? I'm not implying I never complain or anything of the sort, but there are times (such as this) I feel very selfish for doing so. The person next to me has their struggles, why should I weigh them down with mine? Why draw attention so people can hear my 'soap opera' so to speak?

I prefer listening to other peoples' problems, offering whatever knowledge, advice, or etc., I can give them. I feel better that way. I usually do not expect people to listen to mine, because I feel selfish when I do (even though I do want to share deep down). It's not a very intricate explanation, but hopefully what I said helped in some way to understand where I'm coming from.[/quote]

two thoughts:

1) If you feel better when people complain to you, isn't it likely that others might feel better when you complain to them? It sounds like you enjoy being able to support your friends. They may also enjoy having a chance to support you in your time in need.

2) A thimble full of water is just as full as a bucket full of water. Your problem may appear to be smaller in magnitude, but it's still your problem and still deserves to be addressed. I believe that "guilt over feeling bad when others have it worse" is a trick that the evil one uses to keep us from dealing with our issues. Dealing with an issue is not selfish... ignoring it or dwelling on it is. Why should you complain about your house being flooded when your neighbor's was washed away? Because a flooded house still smells of elderberries! You can sympathize with your neighbor while still being upset about your own house. As mentioned earlier, denying one's feelings is unhealthy.

[Autumn Dusk]

I came to terms with this struggle when I met one of the lost boys when I was 21. Until that time I hadn't told anyone about the horrors of my past...and he, at 27, hadn't either. His life was what we'd consider poverty but he was happy with his mother, father, and three brothers. He had a simple indigenous life and it was good and rich with culture. When he was nine his villiage was attacked by soliders. He lost his father, and his uncle and him three little brothers began the journey but only he and his uncle survived. He hasn't seen his mom since he was 9. He suffered so much but now as at a coush school a world away.
My story hard is far different...for the lack of a better term think Cinderella plus some other taboo stuff.
I couldn't fathom his life...a horror beyond imagining. Changes bizarre and ugly. However, he was mortified when I told him some of my past. He couldn't understand how parents could hurt their kids. Familyto him were people who loved and protected, not hurt. Hurting someone in your family was thinkable in his world.

I can never say that I suffered anywhere near what my friend did. Yet we shared the pain of my past and it somehow makes life better.

[alicemary]

We are all meant to share each others burdens. There is a big difference between whining and sharing.
As to the fireman missing the ballgame, sorry, most fireman I know would rather fight that fire any day. A real man(or woman for that matter) puts his responsibilities first.
People need people. We need to share and feel a sense of connection.

[prose]

[quote name='Paladin D' post='1426476' date='Nov 28 2007, 06:38 PM']The person next to me has their struggles, why should I weigh them down with mine? Why draw attention so people can hear my 'soap opera' so to speak?

I prefer listening to other peoples' problems, offering whatever knowledge, advice, or etc., I can give them. I feel better that way.[/quote]

The funny thing here is that you don't want to "weigh someone down" with your problems, but then you immediately say that you like when people share their problems with you. Do you think you are the only person in existence who likes supporting people?

Many people, by nature, like supporting others. So, if you are denying them the opportunity to support you, then you are being selfish (how do you like that twist??)

In any case, no, I think it is okay to be disappointed and vent about things that happen. I complain CONSTANTLY about my hubby not helping around the house enough, but there are many women in far worse situations. Does that get my house cleaner?? No. So, I complain. Sometimes that's all you can do.

[missionseeker]

I think sharing problems is a trust thing. Trust is valueable. Very valueable. I've been thinking about it recently, if someone shares their troubles with you, it's kind of like a way to show love. It seems odd, but it's the same when we share with someone else. It's like we are showing that we care enough about that person to let them close. To let them see us at our worst. because we trust that they will still care about us.

i don't know if that makes sense.

[alicemary]

Nicely put Missionseeker. You really got to the heart of the issue