Apologies

[Paddington]

Several questions in one.

1. What things demand an apology?

2. Must it be right away? ("come to terms [i]quickly[/i] with your accuser [i]while you are on the way to court [/i]with him.") Can/Should we apologize way later for things that aren't really big?

3. Do we look for the 'right situation' and 'right time?'

4. Apologize even when the other person isn't likely to care? (lots of setting a bad example falls here.)

5. Do we try to "undo" our sins in ways that aren't apologies? ("I sure can be a jerk sometimes." instead of "sorry for calling you a cotton-headed ninny-muggins 45 days ago.")


Thanks for replies. Feel free to go wherever you want with them.

Peace,
Paddington

[CatherineM]

It's better to wait to apologize rather than not be sincere. The apology is just as much for us as the person we are apologizing to, so even if it falls on death ears, do it. My dad taught me to make decisions on your feet. If you make the right one, learn from it. If you make the wrong one, try to make it right first, and if it can't be made right, apologize, atone, and learn from it. I know the AA big book has a whole section on making amends. If you don't know any alcoholics to borrow it from, I'll bet the library has a copy.

I apologize anytime that I hurt someone, their feelings, their property. I apologize even in situations that I didn't have control over or a choice in. If someone is hurt because of my presence or actions, even if I believe what I have done is the absolutely right thing to do, I can have the maturity to realize that others may disagree. Chances are years later that I will realize I was actually wrong in the first place.

[MC IMaGiNaZUN]

An apology is always a risk. We risk doing the right thing, and getting rejected for it. It makes us feel like we did the wrong thing, when in fact we did the wrong thing. So we must pray for the holy Spirit to give us courage to do it.
As for the passage, Our Lord uses a great analogy, but i think it arrives at a very serious spiritual issue here.
The fact is, when you carry a grudge in your heart, you can not let God in.
The beatitude that says, Blessed are the merciful precedes the beatitude Blessed are the pure in heart, because you will never have a pure heart without mercy, among other things. Its just a reality of the path to holiness, many of the Masters in Christian Spirituality through the ages agree with it. The fact is, that going to someone humbly to plee forgiveness does more for us than it will likely do for them.
As for the practice. Sometimes we miss the opportunity, or we cannot find the opportunity. But insofar as it is in our power to do so, we ought to.
We first ought to regard ourselves in humility, and be so brave to do so. It is the coward who retreats to pride, and it is the coward who finds the easy way out to not acknowledge the pain he may have caused someone. It is the coward unwilling to take the risk of mercy.
So when saying your apology, you should not be so quick to jump to making a excuse, by blaming somebody or somethign other than yourself. "I am sorry, i was insensitive to you..." or "I have realized that i have been selfish and disregarded you in some way." The last thing anybody wants to hear when they have been harmed is that they deserved it or anything.
You can tell them that you are willing to give them an explanation for what happened, but it is not a right that you have for their understanding and compassion. You lost that right by wronging someone else. (Conversely, when someone does apologize, you must be merciful, and attentive, and try to understand where they are coming from).
If anything is unclear i hope to be able to clarify it.
thank you
shalom
bro mark

[Paddington]

Is it ever a mortal sin to not apologize?

[MC IMaGiNaZUN]

[quote name='Paddington' post='1466916' date='Feb 21 2008, 07:26 PM']Is it ever a mortal sin to not apologize?[/quote]

I think it can be a mortal sin. Not in all cases though.

This may sound like a slippery slope, but relationships can be ruined over one little thing. I believe that many of the divorces in this country could be resolved with a simple apology. That instead of being humble and opening oneself up to growing, and loving, they would rather hold tightly to their own "entitlement" to be right. I believe it is love that motivates an apology, it is pride that motivates one to not apologize. That pride can become a powerful monster.

SHALOM
Bro Mark

[A Yearning Heart]

maybe it would be a mortal sin if you flat-out refused to apologise when you know full well you had been in the wrong and that you really should say sorry

[Aloysius]

the thing would have to be grave matter as well, of course.

if you knew you should apologize for not saying excuse me when you left the dinner table, but refused to do so, that couldn't be a mortal sin because it's just not grave matter.

[MC IMaGiNaZUN]

If I can add one other thing, I do have a personal stake in all of this.

Two of my friend got married. They used to be best friends, but neither of them went to the other's wedding. They were both at my first profession, but they never talked to eachother there.

They are missing out on some wonderful things in what could be wonderful lives, and they wont talk. If only they would be willing to apologize.

SHALOM
Bro Mark

[Slappo]

I think vocally apologizing to the other person is VERY good for yourself as well as them.

1. It affirms their dignity as a human person. They were wronged and amends needed to be made. You apologizing (even for trivial matters) affirms their human dignity. It lets them know that they are someone who deserves to be loved and respected.

2. It is very humbling for yourself to vocally admit to another person that you were wrong. It is a growth in virtue and charity to step out and admit wrong doings. Even if there was a mutual wronging between two people, step out and apologize for it.


I would say that you need to give yourself time enough to do it in a manner where they can accept and respect the apology. If it is a huge fight... let both yourself and the other person calm down. Wait an hour, or a day (don't wait too long though).

I know I heard something about men that when arguments arise or tension comes about, biologically hormone levels rise for about twenty minutes. Give yourself a half hour break to calm down, say a prayer, and then apologize with full sincerity. The past couple weeks I've really grown a lot in this area through a friend of mine who is very good at apologizing and it has changed my life. Her apologizing to me makes me feel worth something even when I think what she's apologizing for is trivial. It is especially the trivial apologies that touch my heart because I see that she loves me so much that even the things that I forget about 2-3 minutes later she makes amends for.

God love you,
Marcus

[Saint Therese]

For myself, I find that a situation in which a sin of charity has been committed is most likely to require an apology.
When I think I need to apologise, I usually wait until I've calmed down and the other person has calmed, if tempers were flaring. I usually aknowledge what I did was wrong, without trying to make excuses, and ask for their forgivess, as well as telling them that I will try to do better in the future, with their help.
A situation in which an apology would NOT be appropriate would be when the other person(s) are not open to forgiveness and would use your attempt at reconcilliation as way to keep an unpleasant situation going.
Then I think its best that you just divorce yourself from the situation as much as possible, asking God for forgiveness.
Also, if what you did that needs to be apologized for was done publicly, it might be good to either make a public apology or apologize to the people who witnessed it.

Edited March 29, 2008 by Saint Therese