Absorbing Culture In A Relationship;

[Monoxide]

A close friend of mine (bosom buddy so to speak) forwarded me this question:

"[i]I am a Catholic and proud of it, but I will not lie I have fallen into the lake of carnality. Specifically I am in a relationship with a woman to whom I am NOT married, yet we have given one another the ultimate gift as if we were. I want to break myself of this addiction, I have stopped going to communion and attending liturgy itself is becoming more and more difficult. I want to marry this woman when I finish my Master's and she; her Bachelors. Sex has become borderline necessity instead of a fun luxury, and I hate the idea that my relationship might be more strained if I cut it out. So what are my solutions?

Can I continue borrowing from the future until wedlock?

Or should I cut it off and end my sinful relationship (i do not know if i can)?

The real crux of the question: Can I give her alternate means of satiating the inner beast (to use an apt metaphor). Adult toys, for her pleasure?

She is ashamed of them herself and would not ever consider of her own accord, but if I offered them as an alternative?

I would go as far as to say that ending the relationship is out of the question, we both have put too much of ourselves into it than to discard for that reason (*cough* purities *cough*)

So there we go, what do you think? What do your hardcores think? [/i]"

So I told him that he needs to discuss the necessity of sex in his relationship with her. Not sure what else to say, and he sounded slightly desperate on his followup phone call. Hah

What do you think?

[HisChildForever]

First he needs to be properly taught what Catholics believe - although he must know a good deal if he has stopped receiving - because he wants to replace sex with sex toys. That would be a no go. So take the time to explain the Catholic teachings on sex and sexuality. He will be receptive to it, I believe.

He needs to discuss this with his girlfriend immediately (after you outline everything for him). If she has a pure love for him, she will understand and support this decision. Is she Catholic?

[cmotherofpirl]

So why don't they simply go to their priest and set a wedding date? All they need is their pre-cana classes and 2 witnesses.

[Jesus_lol]

what no one has mentioned is: if he needs to be having sex with her or the relationship wont work, then he really should not marry her. if marriage is a goal for him, he is only hurting himself by staying with someone that isnt right.

he should decide on this after he talks to his GF. but if sex is the crucial part of their relationship now, and it wont hold up without it, he should cut and run.

same goes for girls whos boyfriends break up with them because they wont have sex before marriage. if one person want to wait and the other one won't deal with that, they have a problem.

[CatherineM]

I would suggest reading "Holy Sex" by Gregory Popcak. In the first two chapters you will learn the difference between what you are doing and the real intimacy that comes with a sacramental marriage. Waiting for the perfect time to marry, or so that you can have a big, perfect wedding, isn't worth living in sin and making yourself miserable. If you want to spend the rest of your life with this woman, marry her, if not, break it off and reconcile with the church.

[tinytherese]

[quote name='Jesus_lol' post='1768876' date='Feb 1 2009, 07:49 PM']what no one has mentioned is: if he needs to be having sex with her or the relationship wont work, then he really should not marry her. if marriage is a goal for him, he is only hurting himself by staying with someone that isnt right.

he should decide on this after he talks to his GF. but if sex is the crucial part of their relationship now, and it wont hold up without it, he should cut and run.[/quote]

That's what I was thinking too. You can see your relationship for what it really is when you take the sex out of it. If they have a good relationship after taking the sex out of it then they should stay together but if once they do take it out then they drift apart and have serious relationship problems then they should break up. I remember reading in Crystalina Evert's booklet "Pure Womanhood" that purity does not kill the romance but either brings the couple closer together or unmasks to the couple that there never was love to begin with.

I'd recommend that he checks out this site. [url="http://www.chastity.com"]http://www.chastity.com[/url]

Also, that he read Jason Evert's "Pure Manhood" and Christopher West's stuff.
Living out purity is not about supression but the freedom to love.

[missionseeker]

I agree with Jesus_lol.


[url="http://www.chris-padgett.com/biography.html#"]http://www.chris-padgett.com/biography.html#[/url] I also would point you to this website. of Chris Padget. Who at one point was in his situation. and you can listen to some of his talks. And I would suggest listening to his and Linda's story.

[tinytherese]

bump

[RandomProddy]

Go and sin no more.

[Sirklawd]

[quote name='tinytherese' post='1768988' date='Feb 1 2009, 10:18 PM']That's what I was thinking too. You can see your relationship for what it really is when you take the sex out of it. If they have a good relationship after taking the sex out of it then they should stay together but if once they do take it out then they drift apart and have serious relationship problems then they should break up. I remember reading in Crystalina Evert's booklet "Pure Womanhood" that purity does not kill the romance but either brings the couple closer together or unmasks to the couple that there never was love to begin with.

I'd recommend that he checks out this site. [url="http://www.chastity.com"]http://www.chastity.com[/url]

Also, that he read Jason Evert's "Pure Manhood" and Christopher West's stuff.
Living out purity is not about supression but the freedom to love.[/quote]


im quoting this incase you missed it. it is the right answer. this dude should NOT marry if the situation is as dire as he is saying in the letter. him and his girl need to deal with this issue before marriage can be a possibility

marriage doesnt magically make lust "ok".
lust destroys marriage.
its that simple.

if he wants to not hurt this girl, or be hurt, they need to recognize that they have a HUGE problem. its certainly not an uncommon problem, but it is a huge problem.

[Luthien]

[quote name='missionseeker' post='1769020' date='Feb 2 2009, 12:39 AM']I agree with Jesus_lol.


[url="http://www.chris-padgett.com/biography.html#"]http://www.chris-padgett.com/biography.html#[/url] I also would point you to this website. of Chris Padget. Who at one point was in his situation. and you can listen to some of his talks. And I would suggest listening to his and Linda's story. [/quote]

They're a wicked nice couple.

[CrossCuT]

[size=1]Talk talk talk.

He better tell her what he is thinking!
She might not agree!

Then thats an easy answer to the marriage question.
[/size]

[LouisvilleFan]

Since all the kind advice has been given... I'll just get straight to the point since I don't really have time to beat around the bush anyway.

[quote name='Monoxide' post='1768790' date='Feb 1 2009, 06:35 PM']I am a Catholic and proud of it, but I will not lie I have fallen into the lake of carnality. Specifically I am in a relationship with a woman to whom I am NOT married, yet we have given one another the ultimate gift as if we were. I want to break myself of this addiction, I have stopped going to communion and attending liturgy itself is becoming more and more difficult. I want to marry this woman when I finish my Master's and she; her Bachelors.[/quote]

If you also want to divorce her, you're on the right path.

Addiction is nothing to mess around with. I've already seen at least four divorces among friends and relatives under age 30 (two from the same guy, and the other two by good church-going Christians) due to various kinds of addictions. Getting married is not a fix.

[quote name='Monoxide' post='1768790' date='Feb 1 2009, 06:35 PM']Sex has become borderline necessity instead of a fun luxury, and I hate the idea that my relationship might be more strained if I cut it out. So what are my solutions?[/quote]

Ya darn right it's gonna smell of elderberries, but living in sin is [i]always[/i] worse than the alternative. Man up, take charge, and cut it out.

She'll either recognize that you're right or she'll get mad and break up with you. In the second case, you find out real quick that she's not worth the time of day.

[quote name='Monoxide' post='1768790' date='Feb 1 2009, 06:35 PM']Can I continue borrowing from the future until wedlock?[/quote]

Nope, it doesn't work like that. You don't even know that you'll end up married to her. Plenty of couples break up during their engagement. That's why it's not yet a marriage.

[quote name='Monoxide' post='1768790' date='Feb 1 2009, 06:35 PM']Or should I cut it off and end my sinful relationship (i do not know if i can)?[/quote]

You're already damaging the relationship with sex. Cut out the sex and try to salvage the relationship with the help of a good deacon or priest. Maybe it'll work out. If not, learn your lessons, grow up, and move on.

[quote name='Monoxide' post='1768790' date='Feb 1 2009, 06:35 PM']The real crux of the question: Can I give her alternate means of satiating the inner beast (to use an apt metaphor). Adult toys, for her pleasure?[/quote]

WTF, dude? Hell no.

[quote name='Monoxide' post='1768790' date='Feb 1 2009, 06:35 PM']She is ashamed of them herself and would not ever consider of her own accord, but if I offered them as an alternative?[/quote]

Sounds like she's smarter than you are, which is usually the case. You'd better keep your mouth shut, buy her some flowers, and tell her the physical side of your relationship is over until [i]if and when[/i] you're married.

[quote name='Monoxide' post='1768790' date='Feb 1 2009, 06:35 PM']I would go as far as to say that ending the relationship is out of the question, we both have put too much of ourselves into it than to discard for that reason (*cough* purities *cough*)[/quote]

That's a load of horse manure. Granted, you've made marriage vows of the physical kinds, but you're not actually married and therefore you could break up with her right now and that would be it. She could do the same. It's entirely within both your rights. Only marriages are worth saving for the sake of the relationship itself.

[quote name='Monoxide' post='1768790' date='Feb 1 2009, 06:35 PM']So there we go, what do you think? What do your hardcores think?[/quote]

Get a good priest or deacon to help you out, keep you accountable, and help restore your relationship because the last thing you want to do is get married out of desperation. If you think you're miserable now, wait til you make that mistake.

Edited February 3, 2009 by LouisvilleFan

[Lil Red]

[quote name='CrossCuT' post='1770964' date='Feb 3 2009, 08:52 AM'][size=1]Talk talk talk.

He better tell her what he is thinking!
She might not agree!

Then thats an easy answer to the marriage question.
[/size][/quote]
+J.M.J.+
agreed. he needs to talk with her about what he's feeling. if they can't talk about sex because it's too embarrassing, but they can have sex, something is (obviously) wrong in their relationship.

also, encourage him to read [u]Good News about Sex & Marriage[/u] by Christopher West. It explains Catholic teaching in a Q&A phormat.

[allis-challmers]

[quote]Go and sin no more.[/quote]



I think that this is a very simple but a great quote for this situation.

I know that if my wife and I would have fallen into this situation before we got married it would have been verry difficult to stop (luckally we waited) but I have to agree with every one else that even though it will be very hard for the good of there future marrage the couple needs to stop having sex outside of marrage and reevaluate what there relationship is based on sex or each other. a marrage based on sex is bound to fail but one that focases on each other should last.