MStar Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Sorry ahead of time, this will be long. I need to get this off my chest and find some kind of advice, and I value what the Phamily has to say. I need some kind words, they would be so very, very appreciated! So as I've mentioned before, my boyfriend and I have a long distance relationship, and I think I may even marry him some day, that's how much I like him! Well, this guy at school keeps trying to get me to meet one on one with him to talk about things, because he has these interesting topics and he likes to know what I think about them. But I don't feel comfortable meeting one on one with a guy when I'm in a relationship and my boy isn't nearby to make me feel more secure. I trust the guy from school, but something in me just feels like I'm being unfaithful on some level. My boyfriend would also be uncomfortable with it, I think, just as I would be if he met regularly with another girl. He's not being controlling, because I am honestly uncomfortable with the situation as well, although I can't articulate clearly why. Any help there? The guy at school knows I have a boyfriend, but still wants to meet with me, and I have sort of avoided him and have kept busy. He finally implied, in an email, that he is disappointed that he will never get to know the real me because, as he said, I "keep flaking out on him". In the course of our emailed conversation he also told me that several of mine and my boyfriend's friends, who know us both very well to be strong Christians, think that we sleep together, which is not at all true and we have done our best to be a good and upright example of a Christian couple, so for him to say that our friends thought us this way shocked me. I am giving them the benefit of the doubt, because I didn't hear what was said or who said it, and I only have this guy's interpretation of the conversation, but I was still upset. I asked him not to give me the details of the conversation, nor the names of the people who said it, as I can ask them myself what they think. I don't want to be gossiping or leading this guy to gossip about my friends, and I don't want to know the gossip they say about me. I also told him that I was not comfortable meeting with him or any guy one on one and I explained to him why and told him I'd be happy to talk about his interesting topics with our friends (the ones he was accusing of bad thoughts about me), because I consider our friends to be good Christians who would enjoy discussing such things. I tried to be gentle and kind about the whole thing and I hoped he wouldn't take it too hard. His response made me want to cry. He responded so very bitterly, nearly his whole reply was sarcastic. I had to read through the heavy, bitter sarcasm to understand him, and his basic message was that he don't want to talk among those people, they gang up on him and don't respect his opinion and he wanted to protect me from getting ganged up on for my opinion. (I never feel ganged up on, even though we commonly disagree and I'm the only Catholic among them. These people he's talking about are my friends and despite what he says I trust them and enjoy their company). He said that he just wanted to find a time for two people to talk about topics they found interesting and that he was sorry for wanting to know "the real me" (as if talking to me among other people isn't the real me!) and besides, he said, we two are probably the only ones who find those things interesting (this was why I suggested meeting with our friends, because I think our friends do find those things interesting!). He implied that I [i]should [/i]want to know what they said about me behind my back, because as Jesus said the truth will set you free. Said he almost didn't want to even speak to them when he found out what they were saying about him but that "it's far better to know the truth than to live without it"! Then he told me he was sorry my boyfriend was so controlling and couldn't trust me to [i]talk [/i]with someone of the opposite sex one on one (which I was very careful not to say, I was careful to say only "meet regularly"). He was sorry for the pain I go through with having a long distance relationship, that that's not how God meant it to be, that I didn't deserve that agony, and that he knew what it was like to have a "part time relationship"(who's part time here? Not me or my boy!). Said he told one of our friends his sad and painful story and they laughed at him, and then he said that, after all, the Bible does say "a real friend is a rare thing", and apparently that person wasn't a real friend. I'm trying so hard to think charitably about this guy, and the reason I suggested we meet with other people was because I honestly do enjoy his conversations, but do not want to be his best friend, that's my boyfriend's role. Our conversation through the emails has only made me more agitated with every reply he sends me. What do I do? Or say? How can I act kindly towards him when he is offending me more with every reply? I think he honestly tries to be a good Christian, but he is always taking scripture to back himself up in everything. AAERGH!!!! I feel bad for making him so bitter, and for making him feel like he has not friends, but I will not be guilt-tripped into doing something I am uncomfortable with. Please, give me something, anything...thoughts? I'm really sorry it's so long... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MStar Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 Wow, that was even longer than I thought it would be...profuse apologize again, I guess I needed to get if off my chest. Thanks to anyone who actually reads it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cmotherofpirl Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 He is trying to move in thru manipulation and guilt, and I think your friendship should terminate immediately, and communications cease. You have stated your boundaries which he has no intention of respecting. You have offered alternatives that involve other people as buffers and he is not interested. Say hi to him when you see him, but stop all private communication with him asap. Pray for him and move on. Don't discuss him with your friends, as he will try to pull them in to take sides. Smile, change the subject, and MOVE on. Give him no opportunities, keep to public places in the future with your friends. You need to communicate you are not available for a relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatherineM Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Only unhealthy people feel the need to hurt other people. Healthy people rarely do. It sounds like he enjoys causing drama or chaos. Don't let him make you feel bad about your friends. We all think things to ourselves that are better left unsaid. Sometimes we say things in groups to feel a part of the group even if we don't really believe them. There's nothing wrong with basing what we believe on what we actually see or hear. I believe in direct dealing. If he has said anything that has upset you, ask the person involved to their face to clear the air. Explain that you don't want bad words to make you feel bad anymore. This guy sounds like an immature jerk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MStar Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 Thank you for the replies, that was quicker than I expected:) I was thinking of asking him to meet me for breakfast tomorrow so we can talk about all this face to face, and like you said, CatherineM, sort of clear the air. I can't reply to his last email, it makes me too upset and there are too many things I would want to address to make an appropriate reply. But if I ask him to meet with me, does that just totally undermine my initial claim of not wanting to meet one on one? Even if it's to clear things up between the two of us? I really hate to leave things bitter like this, but maybe it would be better to stop talking to him completely? But then suppose he's not sure what he's done and I just make him feel worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cmotherofpirl Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 [quote name='MStar' post='1802343' date='Mar 10 2009, 02:31 AM']Thank you for the replies, that was quicker than I expected:) I was thinking of asking him to meet me for breakfast tomorrow so we can talk about all this face to face, and like you said, CatherineM, sort of clear the air. I can't reply to his last email, it makes me too upset and there are too many things I would want to address to make an appropriate reply. But if I ask him to meet with me, does that just totally undermine my initial claim of not wanting to meet one on one? Even if it's to clear things up between the two of us? I really hate to leave things bitter like this, but maybe it would be better to stop talking to him completely? But then suppose he's not sure what he's done and I just make him feel worse.[/quote] If you meet with him after you said you won't meet with him - it simply indicates to him you can be manipulated and pushed around. Tell him you are sorry the friendship didn't work out -[pass tense] and wish him luck in the future, then don't talk to him again. You are being honest with him, you are not responsible for his emotional health, you both need to move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eagle_eye222001 Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 (edited) [quote name='MStar' post='1802343' date='Mar 10 2009, 01:31 AM']Thank you for the replies, that was quicker than I expected:) I was thinking of asking him to meet me for breakfast tomorrow...[/quote] Bad idea as previously stated, since he his using negative ways to get to you (manipulation and guilt, this would be seen as as a possible victory for him. When someone uses negative methods, you are not obligated to try to dance around it and explain it at a breakfast or anything like that. You set up boundaries and he refuses to respect that. You were clear on "meeting regularly" and instead he has twisted it to "one on one". Negotiations are clearly over. [quote]... so we can talk about all this face to face, and like you said, CatherineM, sort of clear the air. I can't reply to his last email, it makes me too upset and there are too many things I would want to address to make an appropriate reply. But if I ask him to meet with me, does that just totally undermine my initial claim of not wanting to meet one on one? Even if it's to clear things up between the two of us? I really hate to leave things bitter like this, but maybe it would be better to stop talking to him completely? But then suppose he's not sure what he's done and I just make him feel worse.[/quote] Lost situation. The tone of the email was inappropriate. We can list several marks against this guy and you still want to go out to breakfast? I understand the want/need to be nice and try to smooth this situation over, however it seems to me that you would be making the situation worse if you did try that. Take the advice of CatherineM and cmotherofpirl. It sounds correct. ---------------- Listening to: [url="http://www.foxytunes.com/artist/nirvana/track/smells+like+teen+spirit"]Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit[/url] via [url="http://www.foxytunes.com/signatunes/"]FoxyTunes[/url] Edited March 10, 2009 by eagle_eye222001 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MStar Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 Okay, thank you, I think I needed some firm advice. That makes me feel better. I'm not used to conflict, but I can see you both make very good clear points Now that I'm cooled down some, do you think replying to his email a good idea? A definite, "well, that's too bad than, sorry the friendship didn't work out" type of response? So there's at least some closure? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missionseeker Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 [quote name='cmotherofpirl' post='1802330' date='Mar 10 2009, 12:25 AM']He is trying to move in thru manipulation and guilt, and I think your friendship should terminate immediately, and communications cease. You have stated your boundaries which he has no intention of respecting. You have offered alternatives that involve other people as buffers and he is not interested. Say hi to him when you see him, but stop all private communication with him asap. Pray for him and move on. Don't discuss him with your friends, as he will try to pull them in to take sides. Smile, change the subject, and MOVE on. Give him no opportunities, keep to public places in the future with your friends. You need to communicate you are not available for a relationship.[/quote] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eagle_eye222001 Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 [quote name='MStar' post='1802367' date='Mar 10 2009, 01:52 AM']Okay, thank you, I think I needed some firm advice. That makes me feel better. I'm not used to conflict, but I can see you both make very good clear points Now that I'm cooled down some, do you think replying to his email a good idea? A definite, "well, that's too bad than, sorry the friendship didn't work out" type of response? So there's at least some closure?[/quote] Probably be best to cut off all communication within reason. Saying hi in the hall with others around is one thing and okay. I don't think you want to be replying emails or whatnot because that could be perceived as a resumption of negotiations and it appear your willing to see another email from him. Sorry you have to go through this. Be safe and smart. Might want to consider hanging around with other friends or people whenever possible if he has possibility being around. ---------------- Listening to: [url="http://www.foxytunes.com/artist/switchfoot/track/dare+you+to+move"]Switchfoot - Dare You to Move[/url] via [url="http://www.foxytunes.com/signatunes/"]FoxyTunes[/url] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MStar Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 You guys don't really think it is controlling of me or my boyfriend to not want each other to meet one on one with a person of the opposite sex, do you? We do trust each other, that's not the issue, right? Isn't it perfectly fine that we would be uncomfortable with that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatherineM Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 [quote name='MStar' post='1802387' date='Mar 10 2009, 01:16 AM']You guys don't really think it is controlling of me or my boyfriend to not want each other to meet one on one with a person of the opposite sex, do you? We do trust each other, that's not the issue, right? Isn't it perfectly fine that we would be uncomfortable with that?[/quote] I'm old fashioned, but I believe appearances are important. I have one male friend that I am close to, but I don't meet him for lunch by myself. It's not wise to become emotionally intimate with someone who isn't your spouse. I'm not talking about having any kind of affair, I'm talking about discussing feelings or issues with another man when those things are best left to the marriage. Hanging out with the girls is a totally different thing. It's not just about appearances, but also about setting examples for others. I've told my husband that I do not feel comfortable with him going to bed early while his best friend is still here. Besides the fact that it is rude (another topic entirely) it just doesn't look right. My husband says he trusts me so there shouldn't be a problem, but it's not just about trust, it is about boundaries and the proper example we set. It doesn't look respectful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint Therese Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Iawtc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MStar Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 Me too, thanks Cathrine, that's a great explanation! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cmotherofpirl Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 [quote name='MStar' post='1802387' date='Mar 10 2009, 03:16 AM']You guys don't really think it is controlling of me or my boyfriend to not want each other to meet one on one with a person of the opposite sex, do you? We do trust each other, that's not the issue, right? Isn't it perfectly fine that we would be uncomfortable with that?[/quote] As long as you made that decision by mutual agreement, its fine. Its only controlling when one person makes the decision for both, or demands it of the other. I will point out at your age, its extremely hard for a guy to just want to "be friends" with a girl, unless he is in a VERY secure relationship with someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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