I Need Some Advice, Please Help!

[HisChildForever]

[quote name='MStar' post='1802313' date='Mar 10 2009, 01:15 AM']But I don't feel comfortable meeting one on one with a guy when I'm in a relationship[/quote]

Red flag.

[quote]The guy at school knows I have a boyfriend, but still wants to meet with me, and I have sort of avoided him and have kept busy. He finally implied, in an email, that he is disappointed that he will never get to know the real me because, as he said, I "keep flaking out on him".[/quote]

Red flag.

[quote]In the course of our emailed conversation he also told me that several of mine and my boyfriend's friends, who know us both very well to be strong Christians, think that we sleep together,[/quote]

Red flag (could be lying too by the way)

[quote]He responded so very bitterly, nearly his whole reply was sarcastic. I had to read through the heavy, bitter sarcasm to understand him,[/quote]

Red flag (as if you would WANT to converse with a person like THAT, this guy has great technique...how rude!)

[quote]He said that he just wanted to find a time for two people to talk about topics they found interesting and that he was sorry for wanting to know "the real me"[/quote]

Red flag (he wants to know you on an intimate level)

[quote]He implied that I [i]should [/i]want to know what they said about me behind my back, because as Jesus said the truth will set you free. Said he almost didn't want to even speak to them when he found out what they were saying about him but that "it's far better to know the truth than to live without it"![/quote]

Red flag (now he's trying to be the hero of the story)

[quote]Then he told me he was sorry my boyfriend was so controlling and couldn't trust me to [i]talk [/i]with someone of the opposite sex one on one (which I was very careful not to say, I was careful to say only "meet regularly"). He was sorry for the pain I go through with having a long distance relationship, that that's not how God meant it to be, that I didn't deserve that agony, and that he knew what it was like to have a "part time relationship"(who's part time here? Not me or my boy!).[/quote]

Argh, RED FLAG x 1000.



Drop him like a hot potato.

[HisChildForever]

[quote name='cmotherofpirl' post='1802489' date='Mar 10 2009, 11:09 AM']I will point out at your age, its extremely hard for a guy to just want to "be friends" with a girl, unless he is in a VERY secure relationship with someone else.[/quote]

THIS.

[Azriel]

What they said. With age comes a degree of trust and responsibility that you don't have in youth. I've been married 15 years. My husband has no problem with me having lunch with the male friends I've made at work through the years. My husband is also 40 years old, and we have developed the sort of trust that comes through years.

Its not a bad thing to spend time with the opposite sex, but the boundaries are different between young and older. It may seem to be a double standard but its true.

[alicemary]

I may not think it is 'controling' so much as insecurity in your relationship that you are not free to have friendships with people of the opposite sex. To be so limiiting means you are missing out on a large group of the population that may contribute to your development. Being friends does not mean you want him to be a boyfriend. What is the fear, that your boyfriend will loose you?
As to this particular guy, if he makes you uncomfortable avoid him. You dont have to respond to his emails/phone calls. He was gossiping trying to get a rise from you, any attention, even bad attention is better then none, and it seems you fell right into his trap.
Never limit your opportunities to meet new people, regardless of their sex. If your relationship with your boyfriend is that fragile, then that is the real problem, not this guy.

[rkwright]

Well I agree with everything people are saying.

I would just like to add that your b\f is certainly very lucky to have a girl like you!

[cmotherofpirl]

[quote name='alicemary' post='1802571' date='Mar 10 2009, 01:41 PM']I may not think it is 'controling' so much as insecurity in your relationship that you are not free to have friendships with people of the opposite sex. To be so limiiting means you are missing out on a large group of the population that may contribute to your development. Being friends does not mean you want him to be a boyfriend. What is the fear, that your boyfriend will loose you?
As to this particular guy, if he makes you uncomfortable avoid him. You dont have to respond to his emails/phone calls. He was gossiping trying to get a rise from you, any attention, even bad attention is better then none, and it seems you fell right into his trap.
Never limit your opportunities to meet new people, regardless of their sex. If your relationship with your boyfriend is that fragile, then that is the real problem, not this guy.[/quote]
Not to disagree, but I would say they have a committed relationship that they want to protect and cherish. There is a big difference between meeting new people/ being friendly/ open to having a private lunch with the opposite sex.

[MStar]

Yes, HCF, your post made me smile, because I totally agree with everything you pointed out.

[quote]I will point out at your age, its extremely hard for a guy to just want to "be friends" with a girl, unless he is in a VERY secure relationship with someone else.[/quote]

Yes, this occurred to me, and this guy is single, yet another reason I was uncomfortable meeting with him.

[quote]I may not think it is 'controling' so much as insecurity in your relationship that you are not free to have friendships with people of the opposite sex. To be so limiiting means you are missing out on a large group of the population that may contribute to your development. Being friends does not mean you want him to be a boyfriend. What is the fear, that your boyfriend will loose you?
As to this particular guy, if he makes you uncomfortable avoid him. You dont have to respond to his emails/phone calls. He was gossiping trying to get a rise from you, any attention, even bad attention is better then none, and it seems you fell right into his trap.
Never limit your opportunities to meet new people, regardless of their sex. If your relationship with your boyfriend is that fragile, then that is the real problem, not this guy.[/quote]

It's not that I'm not free to have friends of the opposite sex (I actually have many good friends who are guys), it's that I'm not comfortable meeting alone with them, it just doesn't seem right.

[quote]Well I agree with everything people are saying.

I would just like to add that your b\f is certainly very lucky to have a girl like you![/quote]

Aww thanks! I really appreciate that. He's told me that before, too, makes me smile every time.

[quote]Not to disagree, but I would say they have a committed relationship that they want to protect and cherish. There is a big difference between meeting new people/ being friendly/ open to having a private lunch with the opposite sex.[/quote]

Protects and cherish, an excellent way of saying it. This is especially true since he is so far away.

Thank you all for your responses and insights, I feel much better being able to discuss it

[HisChildForever]

[quote name='MStar' post='1802704' date='Mar 10 2009, 01:52 PM']Yes, HCF, your post made me smile, because I totally agree with everything you pointed out.[/quote]

Good!!! This guy definitely doesn't respect you, your boyfriend, OR your relationship. You have to wonder how many other girls he's done this to. Furthermore, I want to know what HE is like in a relationship, since relationships apparently mean very little to him.

[CatherineM]

These are the warning signs of a potential domestic abuser. I think you will recognize this guy in many of them. [url="http://www.turningpointservices.org/Domestic%20Violence%20-%20Warning%20Signs.htm"]LINK[/url]

Many of the signs women are taught to Interpret as caring, attentive, and romantic are actually early warning signs for future abuse. Some examples Include:

INTRUSION: Constantly asks you where you are going, who you are with, etc.

ISOLATION: Insists that you spend all or most of your time together, cutting you off from friends and family.

POSSESSION AND JEALOUSY: Accuses you of flirting/having sexual relationships with others; monitors your clothing/make-up.

NEED FOR CONTROL: Displays extreme anger when things do not go his way; attempts to make all of your decisions.

UNKNOWN PASTS / NO RESPECT FOR WOMEN: Secretive about past relationships; refers to women with negative remarks, etc.

[cmotherofpirl]

[quote name='CatherineM' post='1802730' date='Mar 10 2009, 03:32 PM']These are the warning signs of a potential domestic abuser. I think you will recognize this guy in many of them. [url="http://www.turningpointservices.org/Domestic%20Violence%20-%20Warning%20Signs.htm"]LINK[/url]

Many of the signs women are taught to Interpret as caring, attentive, and romantic are actually early warning signs for future abuse. Some examples Include:

INTRUSION: Constantly asks you where you are going, who you are with, etc.

ISOLATION: Insists that you spend all or most of your time together, cutting you off from friends and family.

POSSESSION AND JEALOUSY: Accuses you of flirting/having sexual relationships with others; monitors your clothing/make-up.

NEED FOR CONTROL: Displays extreme anger when things do not go his way; attempts to make all of your decisions.

UNKNOWN PASTS / NO RESPECT FOR WOMEN: Secretive about past relationships; refers to women with negative remarks, etc.[/quote]
I'm glad you said it Catherine, I was kind of dancing around it. Thank you.