Sexual Sins Marriage And Engagement

[Slappo]

If a man (or woman, but I'll use man as the example) is struggling with sexual sins such as pornography and masturbation while he is in a dating relationship. Should this be something that prevents the continued progress of the relationship passed courtship?

That is, ought one struggling with deep embedded sexual sins since childhood withhold engagement and marriage until these sins have been overcome? If yes, please explain, if no, please explain why it would be appropriate to enter into engagement or even marriage with sins of such nature.

Thanks!


I don't know exactly what to think but I'll give a couple of thoughts:
To wait to get engaged or married could have two immediate effects: The person is more motivated to overcome these sins, and the person is more discouraged each time he fails.
To get engaged/married with such sins still being a struggle: Great spiritual and emotional hardship on a new marriage.

[CatherineM]

I think some of it depends on the kind of sin. St. Paul actually tells us in his letter to the Corinthians that, "If any one thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let them marry -- it is no sin." One of the reasons God gave us marriage is for the satisfaction of the flesh, to keep us from sinning.

Now, if these sins are looking at SSA pornography, or child porn, completely different situation.

[MithLuin]

Does the intended know about these struggles? I would think that is the most important thing - to be honest about the situation. If one were to get engaged (or even married) without confessing to the future spouse that this was going on....well, I think that would be a potential for seriously wrecking the marriage when the truth did surface (as it would be bound to, eventually).

So, if it's a case of 'she doesn't know' - overcoming it before the marriage is a necessity!


Assuming the other party knows - putting in place some ways to deal with that is probably necessary. Self control is part of marriage, too, so if the couple thinks sexual temptation will just go away once they are married, that is a naive way of dealing with the problem. If a person ignores/denies that such behaviour is a problem, that would be an indication of future problems, certainly.

That being said, is sin an impediment to marriage? I would think....well, we all know our spouses aren't perfect, and while hopefully they would want to go to confession prior to the wedding, I'm not sure that such a struggle would mean that a marriage [i]can't[/i] take place. There is no rule you can't marry an alcoholic - it's just not advisable to do so if they are not a 'recovering' alcoholic. I would think the same would be true of habits of pornography or masturbation. You would be unwise to ignore such problems, but...that doesn't mean you [i]can't[/i] get married.


The 'since childhood' part of your query suggests that the person has been [i]trying[/i] to overcome this particular sin, but unsuccessfully, because it is so deep-seated. In that case, I would think it likely that even if the person manages to get through the engagement period with few relapses, it will likely continue to be a struggle within the marriage, and both should be prepared to continue helping one another to fight sin. Certainly, talking to a confessor or spiritual director before proposing would be wise.

[fides quarens intellectum]

If the couple is openly communicative about everything/taking it all to prayer, I would imagine they would just know whether or not they needed to wait until they were more comfortable with where he is at with his addiction.

However, there is something to be said about Catherine's point; the grace of the sacrament of matrimony may be what he needs to finally "overcome" the addiction. Or, it could just complicate things/make things harder on her. Yeah, I think it depends on the maturity of the two individuals involved.

[MissyP89]

It's all about openness and transparency between both parties. Does it mean that they can't be married? Absolutely not, in my opinion. If our vices should keep us from marriage, then I will never marry.

Sinfulness is an unfortunate part of our humanity. I think of Ecclesiastes 4 when it says, "Two are better off than one." It continues to stay that two people can help each other to remain strong while just one alone might fall with greater ease.

My other half, despite our many struggles, has been my #1 supporter in chastity. He encourages me to stay strong, and I return that favor in his weak moments. That doesn't mean it's always perfect, or that we'll reach a point where we'll be "free" of it...but we rely on Him, and each other, to get through it.

[Shpout]

I would recommend counceling, from what I have heard through close friends' stories pronography is not an easy thing to get over alone. It is more addictive than crack cocaine and should definitely be worked through asap. I dont know if a relationship should be completely stopped because of it, you could work through it as a couple? not sure really but I would definitely say counceling or spiritual direction.
Check this site out, Dan Spadaro is great and can probably help out even if only through emails and stuff, hope this helps!

[url="http://www.imagodeicounseling.com/index.php?id=2"]http://www.imagodeicounseling.com/index.php?id=2[/url]

[Shpout]

[quote name='Shpout' post='1869743' date='May 17 2009, 08:06 PM']I would recommend counceling, from what I have heard through close friends' stories pronography is not an easy thing to get over alone. It is more addictive than crack cocaine and should definitely be worked through asap. I dont know if a relationship should be completely stopped because of it, you could work through it as a couple? not sure really but I would definitely say counceling or spiritual direction.
Check this site out, Dan Spadaro is great and can probably help out even if only through emails and stuff, hope this helps!

[url="http://www.imagodeicounseling.com/index.php?id=2"]http://www.imagodeicounseling.com/index.php?id=2[/url][/quote]
ooo and from personal experience I would HIGHLY recommend working through childhood hurts/wounds it is very important! i struggled with my childhood past for a long time but after counceling for a while it helped sooo much and I had the opportunity to heal and grow a lot through it!

[Slappo]

FYI: This was put up as an objective hypothetical situation. Please keep that in mind in your posts.

[virginiancatholic]

From what I understand, alot of counselors (and the secular world at large) see no problem with masturbation or even viewing pornography. In which case, it would be really hard to work through such an addiction with "professional" help.


Also, such things having been done during childhood may not point to anyone else hurting the kid, but the action of the kid himself, that that is when such things started and maybe the kid got hooked on it before realizing such a thing was a sin. This complicates the matter alot...


In order to put it behind himself/herself, the person has got to forgive themselves before they are really free...and that kinda goes for any addiction. Seeking out a good spiritual director would help, and as others have already suggested, being open to the intended and sharing the struggle with him/her would be a definite necessity.

[MissScripture]

[quote name='virginiancatholic' post='1871237' date='May 19 2009, 07:12 PM']From what I understand, alot of counselors (and the secular world at large) see no problem with masturbation or even viewing pornography. In which case, it would be really hard to work through such an addiction with "professional" help.[/quote]
This is true, but you can find good, Catholic counselors. It might be harder than just looking someone up in the phone book, but regardless of why one is going to see a counselor, as a Catholic, it would probably be a good idea to look for a practicing Catholic, or at least Christian with similar views, who won't encourage a person down the wrong path. This is applicable for a medical doctor, too, what with abortion and contraception so prevalent.

[agnes88]

I think it very much depends on the situation. Does he have any other addictions? Is he motivated to stop these addictions, and has he tried to change his behavior? Is he offended by the objectification of women, or does he enjoy it? Does his pornography addiction include images of children, animals, other men, or some other persistent perversion? Does he fall to masturbation primarily after spending time alone with his girlfriend, perhaps kissing and holding her?

I do not believe that it's necessary for the man to be free of attachment to sin in order to wed; however, if he has more extensive problems with chastity, it may be prudent for him to deal with those issues before entering into marriage.