Approval Of Marriage Between Couple Living Together

[PrayerSupporter]

My niece (who is not Catholic) will be marrying a Catholic in July in a Catholic church with Mass. She and her fiance have been living together for several months. I am puzzled by the fact that they are permitted to marry in church and with the Mass when they have obviously been disagreeing with Catholic teaching on premarital relationships. Why does the church approve of such a marriage?

[CatherineM]

[quote name='PrayerSupporter' post='1885569' date='Jun 7 2009, 12:40 PM']My niece (who is not Catholic) will be marrying a Catholic in July in a Catholic church with Mass. She and her fiance have been living together for several months. I am puzzled by the fact that they are permitted to marry in church and with the Mass when they have obviously been disagreeing with Catholic teaching on premarital relationships. Why does the church approve of such a marriage?[/quote]

If the church only married couples who were both virgins, we'd not have many weddings. I realize that is the ideal, and I certainly believe in it, but we have to remember that the church is a hospital for sinners, not a sanctuary of saints alone. When we went through marriage prep, we were the only couple that wasn't co-habitating in the group. It was a group for those over 30, so I guess it was expected they would all be living together.

If it makes you feel any better, most priests when counseling couples who are co-habitating, make them go through a period "apart" before the ceremony. The length of time depends on the couple, and the priest. That is where the counseling for these issues take place, in the pastoral setting.

What would be the alternative otherwise? We could choose to never allow them to marry, so that they continued in a state of sin indefinitely. We could require them to move into different houses for a period of time. That wouldn't keep them from sinning together, it would just allow them to keep it secret. The reason priests marry couples such as your niece, is that it is better to go ahead and fix the situation if the couple meets all the rest of the requirements to marry in the church, to help them get out of their state of sin.

[CatherineM]

The original poster would prefer a response by a priest.

[Theologian in Training]

I agree with the original poster, it does confuse people and it is certainly not the ideal. When I prepare couples, I talk very clearly about it, and even cite that statistically, despite the contrary, living together before marriage is dangerous and leads to a higher rate of divorce.

In fact, when I was a young, idealistic seminarian I was scandalized when a priest said: "it happens and there is nothing we can do about it." I see where he is coming from now, but I still cannot agree with it. The best we can do is try to help them understand that a marriage is a sacrament and that there is more to it than just living together. They are depriving themselves of the graces that come along with the sacrament and trying to "do it on their own."

Also, I have come across a few couples that have abstained until marriage, but continue to live with each other because, financially, they are stuck. I make sure to commend them since they have a deeper understanding than most.

Again, we know it is not the ideal, and the preference is that they not live together, but there is so much we can do with someone who has been strongly influenced, especially by society, to the contrary.

Maybe not the answer you were looking for, but that is from someone who has been doing this for three years now.

God bless

Fr. Brian

[cappie]

The Code of Canon Law gives no special consideration for marriages of cohabiting couples. The general norm states that the pastor and the ecclesial community are to see that the couple has a "fruitful liturgical celebration of marriage clarifying that the spouses signify and share in the mystery of unity and of fruitful love that exists between Christ and the Church" (c. 1063, 3°).

The marriage of a couple who appear to be indifferent in matters of the faith is a complex problem that does not admit an easy solution. On the one hand it is not possible to measure adequately the the level of faith of the individual on the other hand a baptised Catholic is bound to observe the church's teachings. A simple yes or no does not do justice to the dignity of the sacrament or the canonical rights of the individual. Since cohabitation is not in itself a canonical impediment to marriage, the couple may not be refused marriage solely on the basis of cohabitation.

The first aim of presiders will be to rekindle the faith of the Catholic. Welcoming the parties with kindness we must try to help them appreciate the importance of religion in their lives. This will normally take some time and discussion. The readiness of the couple to continue the discussion will be a hopeful sign. However if they refuse point blank to cooperate in preparation, the presider should point out their lack of logic in their request to marry in the Church and the unreasonable demands they put on the presider to assist in a celebration which he regards a sacred and they see in a different light.

Thus in a difficult situation the primary goal of the presider's discussions with couples will not be so much to help the presider to decide whether he will agree to assist or refuse but rather lead the couple to decide whether they should in conscience be asking the presider to officiate at he wedding.

Before refusing to assist at a marriage presiders should present the details and their own recommendations to the local bishop for a decision

Above all, when cohabiting couples approach the church for marriage we should recognize this as a teachable moment. Here is a unique opportunity to help couples understand the Catholic vision of marriage. Here, too, is an opportunity for evangelization. By supporting the couple's plans for the future rather than chastising them for the past, the pastoral minister can draw a couple more deeply into the church community and the practice of their faith. Treated with sensitivity and respect, couples can be helped to understand and live the vocation of Christian marriage.