Best Time To Talk To Parents?

[TeresaBenedicta]

I'm wondering if any of you all have any advice or can share their own experience about talking with their parents about their vocation. When is the best time to speak with them?

I think my parents (both non-catholic, by the way) have an idea that I am thinking about it. I've tried to make it obvious, trying not to hide it from them completely. I've talked about visits I've made to different convents and staying over with sisters (although it's never been under the context of discernment-- always with something else) and I talk as positively as I can about my experiences. I can't imagine that the thought has yet to go through their head that it's something I'm interested in...

But I'm at the point now where I know that I am called and I know where... I've made an official visit and the only step I have left is to apply.

I can't decide if I should talk to my parents before or after applying. I would like to at least have the abstract out in the open, concretely said. You know, to actually have it said out loud that being a sister is a possibility for me. Then I could gage their reaction to that...

I mean, barring a great intervention by God, my parents aren't going to be supportive. Right now I'm home on Christmas vacation, and I really don't want to ruin our time together. At the same time... I want them to know, at the very very least in the abstract (although, like I said, I think they already do have some idea of this).

How did you guys talk to your parents? What's the best way to go about it? When?

[Indwelling Trinity]

[quote name='TeresaBenedicta' date='27 December 2009 - 06:33 PM' timestamp='1261953227' post='2026627']
I'm wondering if any of you all have any advice or can share their own experience about talking with their parents about their vocation. When is the best time to speak with them?

I think my parents (both non-catholic, by the way) have an idea that I am thinking about it. I've tried to make it obvious, trying not to hide it from them completely. I've talked about visits I've made to different convents and staying over with sisters (although it's never been under the context of discernment-- always with something else) and I talk as positively as I can about my experiences. I can't imagine that the thought has yet to go through their head that it's something I'm interested in...

But I'm at the point now where I know that I am called and I know where... I've made an official visit and the only step I have left is to apply.

I can't decide if I should talk to my parents before or after applying. I would like to at least have the abstract out in the open, concretely said. You know, to actually have it said out loud that being a sister is a possibility for me. Then I could gage their reaction to that...

I mean, barring a great intervention by God, my parents aren't going to be supportive. Right now I'm home on Christmas vacation, and I really don't want to ruin our time together. At the same time... I want them to know, at the very very least in the abstract (although, like I said, I think they already do have some idea of this).

How did you guys talk to your parents? What's the best way to go about it? When?
[/quote]


I was 18 when i told my parents I was entering The Missionaries of Charity. They were both Catholic and knew i wanted to be a nun. However when it came down to the line, they exploded! There was no easy way for me to tell them. I just had to calmly stick to my guns. They tried to get me out and so my superiors sent me to Europe to complete my formation.

What ever happens keep your faith in your decision to serve God. Jesus tells us we must forsake all to follow Him. Now 35 years later... my parents are happy and cannot see me as being anything else, but it took years. The blessings were far better than the sacrifice I made in leaving family and homeland! God will not be outdone in love!

Tenderly,

Indwelling Trinity

[organwerke]

[quote name='Indwelling Trinity' date='28 December 2009 - 12:44 AM' timestamp='1261953859' post='2026634']
I was 18 when i told my parents I was entering The Missionaries of Charity.
Tenderly,

[/quote]

Did you apply the Missionaries of Charity founded by mother Therese of Calcutta?

[Indwelling Trinity]

[quote name='organwerke' date='27 December 2009 - 06:49 PM' timestamp='1261954160' post='2026637']
Did you apply the Missionaries of Charity founded by mother Therese of Calcutta?
[/quote]

Yes I was a professed member before being given permission by Mother to transfer to the Carmelite Order at my request after discerning for many years.

Tenderly,

Indwelling Trinity

[organwerke]

Oh , thank you!
Yes, in fact I've just read the experience you wrote in the thread about "religious habit"!
Wow, I really love the Missionaries of Charity but what I often ask to myself is how a person understand the place where the Lord is calling her, especially I am a little puzzled but I really admire those nuns who have a "voaction in the vocation": I think this is a great mistery that goes over our minds!

[vee]

[quote]How did you guys talk to your parents? What's the best way to go about it? When?[/quote]

I told my Mom shortly after I started discerning for two reasons. One she is a practising Catholic and I needed her prayers, and she has been very understanding. The other reason I told her when I did is I prayed about it and said to the Lord if Mom phones me I will tell her because due to schedules etc Im the one who usually calls her. She then phoned me two times within several days but I chickened out and didnt tell her at that time but had to call her back. Im not sure how or when I will tell my other family members if things progess to that point.

Mother Angelica wrote her Mom a letter and left it for her to read after she had already departed to enter the convent, so while you might not want to wait until your entrance day you might consider a letter as an easier way to tell them.

[Thomist-in-Training]

This is just hard. In making notes for a possible talk which never happened, I thought about this... basically. most parents, even Catholic parents, even parents that you think of as good Catholic parents, aren't happy. Judging from my experience, what I've read here, in the lives of the Saints, from talking to Sisters. So you just have to pick some time and expect the worst. I told my parents quite early on the first time I was thinking about it, before I had anywhere in particular in mind, and they got very angry and I didn't end up thinking seriously about religion again for another year... which was not followed up for another six months or so... but that was a period of my life before I had much Catholic formation or strength of character, also. Basically I was naive and assumed they would be happy.

[i]Tentatively[/i] then I would suggest waiting until after you apply and hear back from the Sisters, so that it is a fait accompli and there is less chance of their convincing you to put off applying, etc., and they realize how serious you are, but I don't know you at all, or your parents, so you should think about your knowledge of your parents--how old you are and where you are in school or work is a factor, are you hoping to go in the middle? right after finishing? or you are living alone and have been working for a while? it's different. Etc. And pray. I would say obviously, but actually I have often had a tendency to separate religious life from prayer!...

This article helped me understand a bit of how one's parents feel. I recommend it: http://catholicexchange.com/2009/02/09/115309/ Like this detail:

[quote]As much as I complained about shopping when my daughter was younger, I miss the fact that I don’t buy her clothes anymore. Her clothes are given to her and while I contribute to the costs of these through our donations, I don’t have the small pleasure of seeing a sweater that I know she would look great in and sending it to her “just because”. It is a silly thing I know, but one I take to prayer regularly.[/quote]

[elizabeth09]

If I was you, I will tell them after you put in the apply, and then tell then why you did that. I may tell my godparents and other family member after I apply. I am willing to do God`s will for me.

[Sr Marianne]

[quote name='TeresaBenedicta' date='27 December 2009 - 11:33 PM' timestamp='1261953227' post='2026627']
I'm wondering if any of you all have any advice or can share their own experience about talking with their parents about their vocation. When is the best time to speak with them?

I think my parents (both non-catholic, by the way) have an idea that I am thinking about it. I've tried to make it obvious, trying not to hide it from them completely. I've talked about visits I've made to different convents and staying over with sisters (although it's never been under the context of discernment-- always with something else) and I talk as positively as I can about my experiences. I can't imagine that the thought has yet to go through their head that it's something I'm interested in...

But I'm at the point now where I know that I am called and I know where... I've made an official visit and the only step I have left is to apply.

I can't decide if I should talk to my parents before or after applying. I would like to at least have the abstract out in the open, concretely said. You know, to actually have it said out loud that being a sister is a possibility for me. Then I could gage their reaction to that...

I mean, barring a great intervention by God, my parents aren't going to be supportive. Right now I'm home on Christmas vacation, and I really don't want to ruin our time together. At the same time... I want them to know, at the very very least in the abstract (although, like I said, I think they already do have some idea of this).

How did you guys talk to your parents? What's the best way to go about it? When?
[/quote]

Your parents must be aware of how important your religious journey is - since you took the step to become a Catholic, and the step to visit convents. Age might be a consideration, but as you have left home I guess you are not too young. My advice is to talk to your parents now. Let them in on your heart - they love you after all! I think it would not be good to just inform them after the decision has been made - like announcing an engagement to a guy they never even knew you were dating.
Letting my parents know of my discernment enabled them to ask questions and to visit the sisters and get to know them before I applied was great for the whole family. I was 16 when my parents and 5 younger siblings visited the sisters - it let them know who the sisters were and what the convent was like. I entered at 19. Talk to them about it. If they are upset ask the convent if they can visit and talk to the sisters.
Sr Marianne

[TeresaBenedicta]

Thanks, everyone, for your advice.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do... My intentions are to apply here shortly and to enter sometime after graduation (this coming May). I'm home on Christmas break now and go back to university in a few weeks.

I really would like to have the general conversation with them sometime before I leave, because that could potentially be the worse of the two (the other being: I'm going to enter and here's the place). And there's little they can do to discourage my vocation once I go back to school, considering it's very far from home. But I don't even know how to have that conversation. I've been praying for the Holy Spirit to guide me, to guide my words, but... I have a feeling it's going to have to be something that I have to intentionally bring up-- it's not going to be something I can slip in smoothly amidst other conversation, though I wish it were.

I love my parents dearly and I know that they love me and just want me to be happy. But things didn't go over very well when I became Catholic three years ago at 18 and had to have that conversation with them. So, needless to say, it terrifies me to have this one.

[melporcristo]

[quote name='Indwelling Trinity' date='27 December 2009 - 03:44 PM' timestamp='1261953859' post='2026634']
I was 18 when i told my parents I was entering The Missionaries of Charity. They were both Catholic and knew i wanted to be a nun. However when it came down to the line, they exploded! There was no easy way for me to tell them. I just had to calmly stick to my guns. They tried to get me out and so my superiors sent me to Europe to complete my formation.

What ever happens keep your faith in your decision to serve God. Jesus tells us we must forsake all to follow Him. Now 35 years later... my parents are happy and cannot see me as being anything else, but it took years. The blessings were far better than the sacrifice I made in leaving family and homeland! God will not be outdone in love!

Tenderly,

Indwelling Trinity
[/quote]

Ok I'm sorry ... but you're in the MC's?!??

[Indwelling Trinity]

[quote name='melporcristo' date='29 December 2009 - 02:12 AM' timestamp='1262067127' post='2027170']
Ok I'm sorry ... but you're in the MC's?!??
[/quote]


I was a professed Missioanery of Charity years ago but became a Carmelite with Mother Teresa's permission. I now live as a Carmelite hermit for the last seven years.

Tenderly,

Indwelling Trinity

[EAnn246]

[quote name='vee8' date='27 December 2009 - 08:37 PM' timestamp='1261964266' post='2026700']
Mother Angelica wrote her Mom a letter and left it for her to read after she had already departed to enter the convent, so while you might not want to wait until your entrance day you might consider a letter as an easier way to tell them.
[/quote]


My aunt told me that when she had decided to enter the convent, she couldn't find a way to tell her mother (my grandmother) so she left a note for her on her pillow one night. (It wasn't the night she left).

That kind of made me think that she knows that I'm discerning, but I haven't told her or my dad or brother. (I don't live with my mother and I have no idea how I'll tell her). I don't know how or when I'll break the news to them.

[elizabeth09]

[quote name='TeresaBenedicta' date='28 December 2009 - 04:19 PM' timestamp='1262038766' post='2026974']
Thanks, everyone, for your advice.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do... My intentions are to apply here shortly and to enter sometime after graduation (this coming May). I'm home on Christmas break now and go back to university in a few weeks.

I really would like to have the general conversation with them sometime before I leave, because that could potentially be the worse of the two (the other being: I'm going to enter and here's the place). And there's little they can do to discourage my vocation once I go back to school, considering it's very far from home. But I don't even know how to have that conversation. I've been praying for the Holy Spirit to guide me, to guide my words, but... I have a feeling it's going to have to be something that I have to intentionally bring up-- it's not going to be something I can slip in smoothly amidst other conversation, though I wish it were.

I love my parents dearly and I know that they love me and just want me to be happy. But things didn't go over very well when I became Catholic three years ago at 18 and had to have that conversation with them. So, needless to say, it terrifies me to have this one.
[/quote]


You welcome.

[FSM Sister]

I'm gathering from your posts that you are in school, so it wouldn't be hard to imagine that if your parents are paying for this, they will be a bit taken back by your news! Of course, I have no idea if this is the case, or if you are on scholarship, or what have you.

I told my parents when I was 16 (senior year) and they tried to talk me into going to college first. They offered to loan me the money (for State college) and said I could live at home for free. They also told me what I could major in. Even at 16, though, I figured out that if I were to take them up on their offer, it would take four years to finish school and probably another four to work and pay them back. Basically, they were stalling... hoping I'd change my mind. I did not, and entered as a candidate at 17.

[TotusTuusMaria]

I regret telling my parents so soon that I was even considering it when no definite plans had been made or I honestly had no idea where God was calling me, simply a belief that I was called to religious life. It has caused them pain that they didn't have to endure during these years when I have been discerning. Like many others said, if I could do it over again I would wait until I was more sure of the community and with firm intentions of applying or had already applied.

For my parents, the thought was (and is) very painful for them.

As for how to tell them... I don't remember actually sitting them down and telling them that I was discerning. I mentioned it in a positive light and was asked, and I answered that I was.

If they didn't know already and I was just telling them I would just mention it to them when we were together somewhere. "Mom - Dad, for some time I have been seriously considering religious life and will be applying (hope to apply). I believe God is calling me, and I would like your blessing."

And it doesn't have to be dramatic...

Many prayers for you. It's tough.

Edited December 31, 2009 by TotusTuusMaria

[Saint Therese]

I don't think there's any hard and fast rules. I think it all depends on the kind of relationships you have with family, where you are in discernment, etc. I would imagine this might be a topic of more concern to the younger discerners.

Edited December 31, 2009 by Saint Therese

[TeresaBenedicta]

[quote name='FSM Sister' date='30 December 2009 - 11:47 PM' timestamp='1262231242' post='2027753']
I'm gathering from your posts that you are in school, so it wouldn't be hard to imagine that if your parents are paying for this, they will be a bit taken back by your news! Of course, I have no idea if this is the case, or if you are on scholarship, or what have you.

I told my parents when I was 16 (senior year) and they tried to talk me into going to college first. They offered to loan me the money (for State college) and said I could live at home for free. They also told me what I could major in. Even at 16, though, I figured out that if I were to take them up on their offer, it would take four years to finish school and probably another four to work and pay them back. Basically, they were stalling... hoping I'd change my mind. I did not, and entered as a candidate at 17.
[/quote]

Yes, I'm a senior in college, quickly approaching graduation this May. And my parents have been helping with school, though there has also been a mixture of student loans and scholarships mixed in there (the joys and expenses of going to a private institution), so money will be an issue. I believe the student loans are in both my name and my mother's name. So, that's possibly a difficulty as well.

I've tried not to "hide" my discernment, especially in the past few months. Granted, I'm away at school most of the year, so it's not as though they physically see it. But I make a point to talk about when I go to convents and to talk positively about my experiences. I try to make some things fairly obvious. Even going so far as to bate my parents into saying something... but I think they know, and are therefore refusing to say something until I come straight out and say it.

[Muus]

The best time to talk to your parents is almost never.

You can better say it immediately because a good time will be hard to find. You can gauge it by the first one to tell your parents (with whom you can best get along) and then later to tell you both. So I did.

I told my parents last summer and they were shocked. Now, six months later, they still not understand and yet they respect my decision, however difficult it is. About nine weeks starts the adventure.

[TeresaBenedicta]

I had a surprisingly positive conversation with my dad last night. I don't remember all of the conversation, mostly because I was attempting to keep myself composed (it was difficult to keep the tears back). But, it was very, very positive.

I asked my dad if he would be proud of me if I did something like become a religious sister. He said that he always knew I had a big heart and that I wanted to help people... He said that if it made me happy, then he would be proud of me. To do what I thought would make me happy.

I asked if mom would be proud of me... and he said, "You know sweetie, your mom and I have seen this coming for a few years now..." He didn't really say a whole lot of what her thoughts on it are, but it seems that they've talked about it before and that my very obvious hints were observed by the two of them.

Now I just need to talk with my mom. I'm sure it will be a little bit more difficult for her. But I am [i]very[/i] encouraged by the conversation I had with my dad.