Wondering Whether To Have My Marriage Annulled

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

I am not Catholic--I was raised Anglican (Episcopalian). However, I married a Catholic in a Catholic ceremony.

My ex-husband and I divorced 15 years ago, but strangely, I still feel married in many ways. Even though I am not Catholic, I wonder if this is because our marriage was never annulled.

I've never applied for an annulment, because, at least for my part, I had a real marriage. I considered marriage my vocation, and fully intended to stay married until death. There were no children. (I discovered after a hysterectomy that I would not have been able to get pregnant or carry a child to term.)

13 years into the marriage, my ex-husband confessed to me that he wanted to lead a gay lifestyle. (This came as a total surprise to me--I had NO idea.) There are a lot of faults in a husband that I could learn to live with, but this was not one of them. If my ex-husband led a gay lifestyle, that would expose me to disease, and, by definition, our marriage would not be monogamous. Since my ex-husband's decision was presented to me as a fait accompli, I felt I had no choice but to get a civil divorce.

Although my ex-husband is still an active Catholic (as far as I know), he has never asked for an annulment. I know he has not remarried (at least, not married a woman).

However, even though I'm not the Catholic partner, I still feel married, and wonder if part of this may be due to the fact that the promises we made before God have never been annulled.

I wouldn't even know how to go about getting an annulment, and don't know how difficult it would be. Would it be expensive? It would seem, on face value, that the circumstances of our divorce would make an annulment easier to obtain. But, is that the case?

Plus, an annulment bothers me, because, at least for me, it was a "real" marriage.

BTW--My ex-husband told me at the time of our divorce, that he would fully support it, if I wanted an annulment. At the time, I didn't think it would matter, since I'm not Catholic.

Thank-you in advance for any ideas.

Elizabeth

FYI--I picked St Ignatius of Loyola as my screen name because I was born on his feast day, and my wedding was performed by a Jesuit friend/former professor of my ex-husband's. I really know very little about the Jesuits.

[CatherineM]

I'm so sorry for what you have gone through. I used to work in the marriage tribunal, and the reason that you still feel married is because when you took your vows, you meant them. You were willing to give yourself completely to your husband. However, if he knew or suspected that he had a same sex attraction, and did not share that with you so that you could make a truly informed decision, then he was not willing to give himself completely to you. When that happens, a truly sacramental marriage has not taken place. If he is willing to attest that he hid this from you, an annulment would probably be granted.

The annulment process can be started by contacting any Catholic church. Just remember, just as some pastor are better at giving sermons, and others are better at dealing with finances, some priests are better at dealing with marriage issues than others. If you don't feel comfortable with the first priest, try a different parish. You can also start the process by contacting your diocesan tribunal office. There are papers to fill out, documents to be sent for, and depending on the local caseload, it can take as little as 6 months to 18 months or longer. The fees can range from $500-$1000 depending on lots of things. If you can't afford that, there are often financial resources in place to help with that.

Non-Catholics often obtain annulments. My mother isn't Catholic, but her first husband married a Catholic, and he wanted to obtain an annulment so that he could re-married in the church. This is something you may need as a form of closure to continue on with the rest of your life. It's not your failure because you did everything right and entered into your marriage with the best of intention. If you need any further help, please feel free to PM me. I'd be happy to help.

[Theologian in Training]

Depending on how you answer this question is how you will know if you need an annulment: were you given a dispensation to get married in the Catholic Church? If so, then you need to apply for a formal annulment, yet, given the circumstances, it does seem as though it would be granted, since he knowingly was hiding something that would prevent him from fully fulfilling the marriage vows. If you were not given a dispensation, then you merely need to apply for a decree of nullity. The difference is one is recognized as valid the other is not.

God bless

Fr. Brian