Why Parents Hate Parenting.

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No, it is not true for everyone. I have three amazing kids and while everyday isn't puppies and sunshine, I have no regrets and still cannot believe how overwhelming my love for them is.

[goldenchild17]

No its not fun for everyone, that's not too hard to see just looking around us everyday. I couldn't imagine why it wouldn't be fun for everyone however.

[Archaeology cat]

As with anything, there are ups and downs, fun days and days where you can't wait for bedtime. But overall, yes, it's loads of fun. I can't imagine not having the opportunity to wrestle my son and make my daughter "fly" on my legs. I think some people think their children should never act like children, or they aren't consistent with things, and so the child rebels against it. I mean, this starts even as babies, with people asking me if my baby is "good" (ie: doesn't cry and sleeps all night). My definition of good is different from theirs, I'd say. I don't mind a baby jabbering or child whispering during Mass. I don't expect my child to sleep through the night. I don't expect my child to be seen but not heard. And I've also had to learn how to curb my temper, as I don't want to upset my children with it, nor do I want them to pick up on it. So I guess what I'm saying is that a person's expectations of what children do/how they behave probably plays a big part in whether they consider life with children to be fun.

[Sojourner]

[quote name='Archaeology cat' date='12 July 2010 - 12:30 AM' timestamp='1278916239' post='2141558']
As with anything, there are ups and downs, fun days and days where you can't wait for bedtime. But overall, yes, it's loads of fun. I can't imagine not having the opportunity to wrestle my son and make my daughter "fly" on my legs. I think some people think their children should never act like children, or they aren't consistent with things, and so the child rebels against it. I mean, this starts even as babies, with people asking me if my baby is "good" (ie: doesn't cry and sleeps all night). My definition of good is different from theirs, I'd say. I don't mind a baby jabbering or child whispering during Mass. I don't expect my child to sleep through the night. I don't expect my child to be seen but not heard. And I've also had to learn how to curb my temper, as I don't want to upset my children with it, nor do I want them to pick up on it. So I guess what I'm saying is that a person's expectations of what children do/how they behave probably plays a big part in whether they consider life with children to be fun.
[/quote]
I would agree with that, and I think people's skewed perspective is heightened by the fact that people have less often spent time around small children. My husband and I both come from decently large families, and we had experience with younger siblings and so came into parenthood with a decent idea of what to expect. If we'd come from smaller families with children closer in age, we wouldn't have had that experience. This is, I think, one of the effects of having a significantly lower birthrate.

[Archaeology cat]

[quote name='Terra Firma' date='12 July 2010 - 08:13 AM' timestamp='1278918791' post='2141562']
I would agree with that, and I think people's skewed perspective is heightened by the fact that people have less often spent time around small children. My husband and I both come from decently large families, and we had experience with younger siblings and so came into parenthood with a decent idea of what to expect. If we'd come from smaller families with children closer in age, we wouldn't have had that experience. This is, I think, one of the effects of having a significantly lower birthrate.
[/quote]
Glad my early morning rambling made at least some sense. I think you're onto something, too. I'm the youngest, but had experience around my nephews and foster brothers. My husband is the second youngest, with the next one being 2 years younger than he is, and had never changed a diaper or had much experience with kids (his first niece wasn't born until he was out of college, and he's never been around them a lot).

I'm sure our personalities play a role, too. We're both fairly relaxed about things, parenting-wise. some days more than others, of course.

[Sojourner]

[quote name='Archaeology cat' date='12 July 2010 - 05:45 AM' timestamp='1278935105' post='2141572']
Glad my early morning rambling made at least some sense. I think you're onto something, too. I'm the youngest, but had experience around my nephews and foster brothers. My husband is the second youngest, with the next one being 2 years younger than he is, and had never changed a diaper or had much experience with kids (his first niece wasn't born until he was out of college, and he's never been around them a lot).

I'm sure our personalities play a role, too. We're both fairly relaxed about things, parenting-wise. some days more than others, of course.
[/quote]
Haha ... I was worried about [i]my[/i] post making sense. It's a little dangerous to post while feeding baby, typing one-handed, with your eyes not quite focusing because you're not really fully awake.

Anyway ... yes, I think that a lower birthrate means people have less experience with children in immediate or extended families, and are therefore more hesitant to have children of their own because they have so little idea of what to expect. We all know it's one thing to read about parenthood and another thing to experience it. My husband is the oldest of 10, and uncle to 18, and even though he didn't marry until middle age he had no hesitations about having children. Crying babies, diapers, tantrums -- all that's completely within his experience. I had far less experience with children in my family, but as a girl I often babysat.

I think the other problem is in the expectation that parenthood should be "fun," and that fun is the ultimate goal. When you have people who've grown up being entertained in so many ways -- movies, video games, tv, etc. -- and have that expectation going forward, parenthood is a big wake-up call. But just because parenthood isn't always "fun" doesn't mean it doesn't bring happiness. Happiness is a choice we make in spite of the circumstances of our lives. We can choose to be happy even in the most dismal of circumstances.

[Archaeology cat]

[quote name='Terra Firma' date='12 July 2010 - 03:47 PM' timestamp='1278946030' post='2141604']
I think the other problem is in the expectation that parenthood should be "fun," and that fun is the ultimate goal. When you have people who've grown up being entertained in so many ways -- movies, video games, tv, etc. -- and have that expectation going forward, parenthood is a big wake-up call. But just because parenthood isn't always "fun" doesn't mean it doesn't bring happiness. Happiness is a choice we make in spite of the circumstances of our lives. We can choose to be happy even in the most dismal of circumstances.
[/quote]
Exactly!

Oh, and I'm well acquainted with the one-handed typing whilst feeding a baby. Or wrangling a toddler.

[Ed Normile]

I do not think parenting is meant to be fun, however I can think of a few F-words that parenting is, its above all Familial, and it is always Fulfilling and if done right it can prove to be Fructifying for your children. All in all I would say parenting is Fabulous despite the forced Frugalities.

ed

Edited July 13, 2010 by Ed Normile

[Sojourner]

[quote name='Ed Normile' date='12 July 2010 - 07:28 PM' timestamp='1278984501' post='2141890']
I do not think parenting is meant to be fun, however I can think of a few F-words that parenting is, its above all Familial, and it is always Fulfilling and if done right it can prove to be Fructifying for your children. All in all I would say parenting is Fabulous despite the forced Frugalities.

ed
[/quote]
I thought "fructifying" was a made up word. But, it isn't.

[Ed Normile]

[quote name='Terra Firma' date='12 July 2010 - 09:22 PM' timestamp='1278987731' post='2141912']
I thought "fructifying" was a made up word. But, it isn't.
[/quote]

Naw, it means to produce fruit, or to produce something in or out of something. Now you can see why I do not write dictionary entries. By the way that baby in your avatar is so cute seeing the picture always is a pleasure.

ed

[Sojourner]

[quote name='Ed Normile' date='13 July 2010 - 10:18 AM' timestamp='1279037904' post='2142064']
Naw, it means to produce fruit, or to produce something in or out of something. Now you can see why I do not write dictionary entries. By the way that baby in your avatar is so cute seeing the picture always is a pleasure.

ed
[/quote]
Thanks.

That's my son; he's now almost 5 months old, and he loves to smile ... which works out well because I love to see him smile!

[MissScripture]

If people are having kids, because they think that will make them happy, then that implies they were probably not all that happy to begin with, and if they don't know how to be happy with where they are and what they have, there's a good chance they won't be happy no matter what. Like Terra said, happiness is a choice. I'm not a parent yet, but I hope to be, and I in no way expect it to be all teddy bears and rainbows. I've babysat enough to know the wonderful feeling when the parents get home and you can pass the kid off to them and run out of the house, free at last. However, I've also seen enough parents who truly love being parents to know that when it's all said and done, it's worth it. And I am very much looking forward to the day when I get to be a mommy!

[Katherine of Aragon]

As a mother of six (who is at the moment doing the one-handed nursing-typing thing)I would certainly say that, though rewarding, parenting is not fun. Why on earth should it be fun? It is hard work! However, I would not change it for anything. There is deep joy in parenthood, even if there is not fun. My sleeping-yet-somehow-still-eating infant in my arms fills me with a love so great it is nearly pain. But fun--nope.

[goldenchild17]

I guess it maybe depends on what people find to be fun in general. Sure it's hard work, as it should be, but some people think hard work is fun. Sure there are aspects of it that aren't fun, but in general I'd imagine it would be. Of course I don't know what I'm talking about as I'm not a parent, and may likely never be, but just going by my experience living with my parents and being the oldest of 10.

[cmotherofpirl]

[quote name='MissScripture' date='13 July 2010 - 10:50 PM' timestamp='1279072239' post='2142311']
If people are having kids, because they think that will make them happy, then that implies they were probably not all that happy to begin with, and if they don't know how to be happy with where they are and what they have, there's a good chance they won't be happy no matter what. Like Terra said, happiness is a choice. I'm not a parent yet, but I hope to be, and I in no way expect it to be all teddy bears and rainbows. I've babysat enough to know the wonderful feeling when the parents get home and you can pass the kid off to them and run out of the house, free at last. However, I've also seen enough parents who truly love being parents to know that when it's all said and done, it's worth it. And I am very much looking forward to the day when I get to be a mommy!
[/quote]
You have so completely hit the nail on the head.
You don't have kids because you need fulfilled by little people, if that is one's attitude aproaching parenthood someone is in for a rude awakening, and both parent and child will suffer until the parent GROWS UP!

[homeschoolmom]

I think parenting is "enjoyable" in the same way breathing or eating are enjoyable. Are there times when it feels so wonderful to be out in the fresh air taking a deep breath of wonderful morning air? Yes. Are there times when I'm walking through a cigarette infested area and it's all I can do to hold my breath until I get to a spot I can breathe in? Of course. Are there times when a lovely meal is placed before me (cooked by someone else) and I enjoy savoring it and afterwards enjoy the satisfied feeling of having had a good, nutritious meal? Yes. Are there times I slap some peanut butter on the last slice of bread (the crust ) and gobble it down because I need something to eat? Yes.

Are there times when I spend an afternoon playing Disney Trivial Pursuit with all of my kids, who are playing nicely and being considerate... helping one another and laughing? Yes! And I love those days. Are there days when I have had it with bickering and have to redirect and get them to do chores that have been given to them? Yes, and I don't like those days.

It's a package deal.

[Sojourner]

One thing I've noticed recently among people we've met since having kids is this idea of perfection in the number and gender of kids. Like, our neighbors have three kids; two are twins, and they felt compelled to make it clear they would have only had two if the twins hadn't happened. And one of my husband's doctor's wife is pregnant with twins. They have a 22 month old boy, and the twins are girls. He said, "Yeah, we will have an extra girl." Neither of us said anything in response to the comment, but we talked about it later. He might have been joking, but it was a really odd thing to say even in that context.

I think many people who are young professionals having kids are used to being able to control most aspects of their lives, and with people getting married later it seems like many people have this "plan" about their kids coming into parenthood. I read about women who have birth plans several pages long ... and that's just one day of a kid's life (or maybe two, if things don't go according to plan ...). There's a sort of security in being able to plan and to achieve "perfection" with your kids, and I think that many things lead us to think we play a bigger role in that than we actually do. Then when a child comes along, and things don't go according to plan, it's frustrating and causes unhappiness. I've only been a mom a short while, and I've already learned just how flexible you need to be. Some people just aren't prepared to deal with that, I think.

[homeschoolmom]

[quote name='Terra Firma' date='15 July 2010 - 11:45 AM' timestamp='1279208733' post='2142980']
One thing I've noticed recently among people we've met since having kids is this idea of perfection in the number and gender of kids. Like, our neighbors have three kids; two are twins, and they felt compelled to make it clear they would have only had two if the twins hadn't happened. And one of my husband's doctor's wife is pregnant with twins. They have a 22 month old boy, and the twins are girls. He said, "Yeah, we will have an extra girl." Neither of us said anything in response to the comment, but we talked about it later. He might have been joking, but it was a really odd thing to say even in that context.

I think many people who are young professionals having kids are used to being able to control most aspects of their lives, and with people getting married later it seems like many people have this "plan" about their kids coming into parenthood. I read about women who have birth plans several pages long ... and that's just one day of a kid's life (or maybe two, if things don't go according to plan ...). There's a sort of security in being able to plan and to achieve "perfection" with your kids, and I think that many things lead us to think we play a bigger role in that than we actually do. Then when a child comes along, and things don't go according to plan, it's frustrating and causes unhappiness. I've only been a mom a short while, and I've already learned just how flexible you need to be. Some people just aren't prepared to deal with that, I think.
[/quote]
Yes. I wonder if people realize how hurtful is it to their child to hear that they were the "extra" (ie unneeded, unwanted) one or that both twins were not quite what the parents had in mind...

And parents who have prefection in mind for their children will be sadly disappointed.

[Archaeology cat]

[quote name='homeschoolmom' date='15 July 2010 - 04:51 PM' timestamp='1279209070' post='2142981']
Yes. I wonder if people realize how hurtful is it to their child to hear that they were the "extra" (ie unneeded, unwanted) one or that both twins were not quite what the parents had in mind...

And parents who have prefection in mind for their children will be sadly disappointed.
[/quote]
I know. I'm very quick to tell people we're not "done" just because we have a boy & a girl now. Though my latest dilemma has been how to react when someone tells me son that he should be good like his sister. Sorry, doesn't fly with me to compare my kids in that way. Especially when my son wasn't being bad, and my daughter is only 3.5 months old and can't really run off or talk or anything like that.

[homeschoolmom]

[quote name='Archaeology cat' date='15 July 2010 - 12:10 PM' timestamp='1279210252' post='2142984']
I know. I'm very quick to tell people we're not "done" just because we have a boy & a girl now. Though my latest dilemma has been how to react when someone tells me son that he should be good like his sister. Sorry, doesn't fly with me to compare my kids in that way. Especially when my son wasn't being bad, and my daughter is only 3.5 months old and can't really run off or talk or anything like that.
[/quote]
Get used to it. People say all kinds of dumb things... It's funny, we would never say to an adult person, "Why can't you be more outgoing (funny, friendly, studious etc) like your husband!?" That would be considered bizarre to compare two adults that way. Yet we do it to children all the time. Do adults think it's inspiring to make such bold comments?