Strong Attraction

[OnlySunshine]

I think it's been about 2 months since I decided to stop discerning religious life. I wasn't getting any signs or internal peace about it and it was causing me emotional torment, so I needed to stop. Since I've ended it, I felt peace in the beginning, and it has continued so I believe I made the right decision. With every religious order I would look into, I would get emotional and anxious and sometimes, I felt like I was going crazy. But all that has ended now. I feel balanced and steady and it's been a long time since that has happened. My medication is working and my illness is getting better. I think it helps that I'm not under stress anymore from my job. The only stress I am feeling right now is the need to find a new and better job.

However, there is something inside of me that is pulling me towards marriage. I actually remember feeling as though marriage was my true vocation while discerning, but brushed it aside thinking I was just being tempted. I am not attached to anyone and I have never dated seriously. I have never had a boyfriend, either. But I have a crush on someone in my young adult group. The only thing is, I think he is attached because I saw him at Church recently with a young woman and they were quite close. I must say that I felt a little envious, but I quickly prayed about it because I don't want to feel that way. I consider him a good friend and he has given me great advice in the past about discerning and I'm always thinking about him. I respect him very much. I found out about a year ago that he decided he was not called to religious life after entering a community (the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate) for their pre-postulancy/aspirant program. He discerned he was called to marriage.

I see all these beautiful Catholic couples in my young adult group, several of whom are expecting their first born children, and my heart aches to possess the same someday. I look to the Holy Family as a guide and I want to imitate their life and raise children who will serve the Church, whether it be religious life or marriage. I think it is so beautiful to encourage religious vocations in children. I didn't grow up with anyone encouraging me to pursue religious life. I had to discern it on my own very late. I believe that is so necessary to show children their options so they don't grow up thinking that they can only get married or stay single.

The part that is kind of confusing is that I was thinking of religious life very strongly only a year or so ago and now I am on a different path (the original path I was on before I discerned). I am no where near getting married or engaged since I am not dating nor do I have any prospects at this point. I am just curious, though, about those who originally discerned religious life and then felt their calling was to married life. How did you handle it? How long did you wait in between the different periods of discernment? Also, how did you find your fiancee or spouse? Thanks in advance!

Edited September 14, 2010 by MaterMisericordiae

[Maggyie]

The same thing happened to me. I discerned religious life for a number of years, but I eventually came to understand that it was my desire, not God's. I loved the habit, the life of prayer, etc but if you aren't called, it just won't work, no matter how hard you try. I was totally in love with one particular convent. When I visited them, I spent the night lying in bed, crying my heart out for no apparent reason. It wasn't meant to be.

I never considered single life, as I am really not meant to be alone and I have always known that. So having ruled out religious life, my discernment was pretty much over and I knew I was called to marriage. That is if, God blessed me with a spouse.

For about a year after I ended my discernment I just kind of lived my life. I was not focused on finding a spouse right away, as I was graduating from college and had to find a job, move house etc. I tried to focus on these practical matters, and on maintaining a very steady and calm relationship with Jesus. I have to admit, toward the end of this period I did not handle things well. Mr. Perfect did not do anything dramatic like throwing himself on the hood of my car at the grocery store. I wondered how everybody else seemed to have somebody. I honestly wondered if I was going to be alone, after all, and I began to fret. I remember sitting in Church and complaining to my sister that I was NEVER going to find anybody!

A week later at Christmas, my sister gifted me a subscription to Ave Maria Singles. I got a few hits but there aren't many people on that site and I am not a fan of long distance relationships. And I gifted myself a subscription to Catholic Match, since it had more people.

A couple weeks after being on Catholic Match, I went on my first date with my current boyfriend, who I am hoping to marry in Summer 2011. We aren't formally engaged yet, though, as he is very conservative and wants to have a ring ready, ask my father for my hand etc. I am very much in love and feel so lucky to have found such an amazing man of God. Honestly I continue to have some anxiety because I still can't believe my blessings and worry that somehow it is too good to be true, he will be smacked by a Mack truck or keel over from a congenital heart defect or something. But I know our relationship is in God's hands and that the key is trust.

[CatherineM]

I have been told by more than one priest that the best spouses are those who have discerned religious life at some point because that means they chose marriage as a vocation rather than just falling into it. I never thought that I would ever marry, but then one day it just happened, I fell in love. That does make discernment easier.

[Cherie]

[quote name='MaterMisericordiae' timestamp='1284426901' post='2172828']
The part that is kind of confusing is that I was thinking of religious life very strongly only a year or so ago and now I am on a different path (the original path I was on before I discerned). I am no where near getting married or engaged since I am not dating nor do I have any prospects at this point. I am just curious, though, about those who originally discerned religious life and then felt their calling was to married life. How did you handle it? How long did you wait in between the different periods of discernment? Also, how did you find your fiancee or spouse? Thanks in advance!
[/quote]

Sorry I might start rambling a bit, but let me tell you a little about how it worked for me. I know many people will give different advice about waiting, etc. but I think the most important thing is to pray, pray, pray and be open to the movement of the grace of God, because He can work things you'd never [i]dreamed[/i] of! Let me tell you how it worked for me:

After I left religious life, I was feeling rather discouraged. I felt completely at peace about leaving -- it was a gift from God -- but shortly after I came home I got discouraged seeing all my friends with steady, well-paying jobs, in steady relationships or engaged, some married, and some even having children. I really felt like God was calling me to be married, but I felt like such a "late bloomer" and I'd never be able to find a spouse.

I can imagine some people would see what I'm about to say and be like, "Whoa, she's crazy" but to me, it's something that I truly believe was inspired by the Holy Spirit; something God Himself put on my heart, and proof that He provides for us, and that we can ask Him for [i]anything.[/i] I've always been a big proponent of that -- God tells us to ask! (Matthew 7:7!) -- and though I know many people feel "bad" asking for things that "don't matter" (in their opinion), my spirituality has always been that we should ask Him about [i]anything[/i] that troubles us, or [i]anything[/i] we feel like asking. He is our Father, we should be able to talk to our fathers about [i]anything,[/i] and how much moreso that is true with God our Father!!!

Anyway, all that is a precursor to this: when I was thinking about leaving the convent, I was very apprehensive. I felt like God was calling me to marriage, but I thought there was no way I'd be able to enter the "dating scene" this late in the game (I know, that's kind of crazy, but it made me very anxious thinking about it) -- I mean, I'm not the type of person who would "date" anyway, I believe courtship is a much better approach. But my apprehension about that was part of why I stayed in the convent so long!!! I kept thinking, "Well, if it's going to be so difficult, maybe you should just stay in the convent then..." Not the best way of thinking! So I took it to prayer -- I prayed especially through the intercession of St. Raphael (and I HIGHLY recommend that for you! Once I left, there is a prayer I used to pray everyday, along with the Litany of St. Raphael, that I put at the end of this post and I recommend that for you!) and I can't tell you how important his intercession was for me. Without his intercession I don't think I would have had the courage to leave. And this is the prayer I prayed that people might think is a little crazy: when I left, I literally prayed to God, "Lord, You know how anxious I am about this. You know how difficult it will be for me. I feel as though you are calling me to be married, but I have no idea how to go about completing Your will. I ask You, if it be Your holy will, please let the first man I date be the one that I marry!"

Only about a month after I left my mom saw that I was getting down about everything, so she and I jokingly looked at some Catholic dating websites together, just for some lighthearted fun. Well, we took a look at Catholic Match, and you couldn't see more about a person until you became a member ... and ... that's when it stopped being a joke! lol - My mom really encouraged me to join and even paid for my membership. Anyway, just three days after I joined --- and the ninth day of my novena to St. Raphael -- my husband and I started contact. And interestingly enough, the patron of Catholic Match is St. Raphael! (No coincidence, in my opinion!) We started chatting, then calling, and then we met. And everything just fell together ... it was truly amazing!

We were engaged in four months, and married exactly a year after we met in person. <--- many people hear that and give us this expression! I guess all that just goes to show you that God can work everything out the way He wants it. I NEVER EVER would have guessed that a little more than a year after I left the convent, I would be married -- and almost [i]exactly[/i] two years after I left, I would be giving birth to our first child! I know a lot of people were like, "Whoa, she is moving [i]waaaaay[/i] too fast for having been in the convent for five years!" And honestly? If I had seen the same thing in someone else, I might have been very tempted to think the same thing. But it was all the movement of God's grace and the Holy Spirit ... my husband was always very much of the idea that you should date someone at least a year before you get engaged, and then once he met me he said that idea went out the window - he knew that I was the one he had been waiting for, the answer to his prayer, and the one God had intended for him from all eternity. Some people might think we only moved so fast because I was desperate to get married and used my prayer I prayed as an excuse. Honestly, I had forgotten about my prayer that the first man I date be the one I marry until we became engaged ... but when I was with him, I just knew ... [i]he was the one.[/i] I had no doubt in my mind! In the end, I didn't care about what other people thought, because I knew we were following God's will. There are just so many little "coincidences" and answers to prayer that we both received in our relationship - we really knew this was what God wanted, and we followed it. Needless to say, our relationship was very much God-centered, and we did everything we could to make it that way -- we prayed the rosary every day together, and over the phone when he went to work during the week. We went to daily Mass, and weekly confession. We knew we had something special, and we really wanted to return all the glory to God as best we could. I would recommend that for any relationship you might enter!

I realize our story is a little different than how most people go about things. But I'm telling you, MaterMisericordiae, God [i]will[/i] guide you. Pray, pray, pray. Pray through the intercession of St. Raphael -- he has been my best friend and guide through all of this. Be open to His Will. And don't ever, ever, ever be afraid to ask for [i]anything!!![/i] Oftentimes God puts those desires on our hearts for a reason - He WANTS us to ask Him! "Ask and you shall receive ... seek and you shall find ... knock and the door shall be opened to you" !!! I was nowhere near getting engaged or even dating when I started out, and I simply prayed, trusted, tried not to worry (although of course that's always easier said than done!) and God took care of [b]everything. [/b]Be confident that He will do the same for you, because I know that He will! And as always, be assured of my prayers as you discern and follow His Will!

Pray this prayer every day:

[b]Prayer to St. Raphael, Angel of Happy Meetings[/b]
[size="2"]O Raphael, lead us towards those we are waiting for, those who are
waiting for us! Raphael, Angel of Happy Meetings, lead us by the hand
towards those we are looking for! May all our movements, all their
movements, be guided by your Light and transfigured by your joy.

Angel guide of Tobias, lay the request we now address to you at the feet
of Him on whose unveiled Face you are privileged to gaze. Lonely and
tired, crushed by the separations and sorrows of earth, we feel the need
of calling to you and of pleading for the protection of your wings, so
that we may not be as strangers in the Province of Joy, all ignorant of
the concerns of our country.

Remember the weak, you who are strong--you whose home lies beyond the
region of thunder, in a land that is always peaceful, always serene, and
bright with the resplendent glory of God.
Amen.

Sorry this post is so long, but here's the Litany of St. Raphael, too:

[/size][center][size="3"][i][b]Litany in Honor of St. Raphael[/b][/i][/size][/center]
[center][size="2"]Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy.
Lord, have mercy.
Christ, hear us.
Christ, graciously hear us.[/size][/center]
[center][size="2"]God the father of heaven, have mercy on us.
God the Son, Redeemer of the world, have mercy on us.
God the Holy Spirit, have mercy on us.
Holy Trinity, one God, have mercy on us.
Jesus, King of Angels, have mercy on us. [/size][/center]
[center][size="2"]Mary, Queen of the Angels, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, the Archangel, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, whose name means "God has healed", pray for us.
Saint Raphael, preserved with the good Angels in God's kingdom, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, one of the seven spirits that stand before the Most High, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, ministering to God in heaven, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, noble and mighty Messenger of God, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, devoted to the Holy Will of God, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, who offered to God the prayers of the father Tobit, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, traveling-companion of the young Tobiah, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, who guarded your friends from danger, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, who found a worthy wife for Tobiah, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, who delivered Sarah from the evil sririts, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, who healed the father Tobit of his blindness, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, guide and protector on our journey through life, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, strong helper in time of need, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, conqueror of evil, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, guide and counelor of your people. pray for us.
Saint Raphael, protector of pure souls, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, patron Angel of youth, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, Angel of joy, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, Angel of happy meetings, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, Angel of chaste courtship, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, Angel of those seeking a marriagepartner, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, Angel of a happy marriage, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, Angel of home life, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, Guardian of the Christian family, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, protector of travelers, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, patron of health, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, heavenly physician, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, helper of the blind, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, healer of the sick, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, patron of physicians, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, consoler of the afflicted, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, support of the dying, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, herald of blessings, pray for us.
Saint Raphael, defender of the church, pray for us.[/size][/center]
[center][size="2"]Lamb of God, You take away the sins of the world; spare us, O Lord.
Lamb of God, You take away the sins of the world; graciously hear us, O Lord.
Lamb of God, You take away the sins of the world; have mercy on us. [/size][/center]
[center][size="2"]Pray for us, O glorious Saint Raphael the Archangel,
That we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ. [/size][/center]
[center][size="2"] Let us pray:
God, you graciously gave the Archangel Raphael as a companion to Your servant Tobiah on his journey. Grant us, Your servants, that we may ever enjoy his protection and be strenghtened by his help. We ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen. [/size][/center]

Edited September 14, 2010 by CherieMadame

[OnlySunshine]

Thank you, CherieMadame and the rest of you, for your answers. Cherie, those prayers are beautiful and I'm going to link to them so I can say them everyday. I decided to go to the Catholic Match website and browse a little and then I opened a free account. I might pay for the subscription later, but right now, I can't afford it. I was kind of halfway hoping that the guy I have a crush on would be on there but he isn't. I found 3 guys who I am interested in, and I added them to my favorites, but I'm going to take my time. I'm not contacting anyone right now.

[CatherineM]

As someone who found their husband on Ave Maria, I know it does work. I got a discount on the fees. You can ask for a scholarship if you're low income.

[OnlySunshine]

I found a beautiful Catholic prayer to recite daily to help me in my search for my future husband. I thought I'd share it with you all.

[i][b]Prayer for a Good Husband or Wife[/b][/i]

O Jesus, lover of the young, the dearest Friend I have, in all confidence I open my heart to You to beg Your light and assistance in the important task of planning my future. Give me the light of Your grace, that I may decide wisely concerning the person who is to be my partner through life. Dearest Jesus, send me such a one whom in Your divine wisdom You judge best suited to be united with me in marriage. May her/his character reflect some of the traits of Your own Sacred Heart. May s/he be upright, loyal, pure, sincere and noble, so that with united efforts and with pure and unselfish love we both may strive to perfect ourselves in soul and body, as well as the children it may please You to entrust to our care. Bless our friendship before marriage, that sin may have no part in it. May our mutual love bind us so closely, that our future home may ever be most like Your own at Nazareth.

O Mary Immaculate, sweet Mother of the young, to your special care I entrust the decision I am to make as to my future wife/husband. You are my guiding Star! Direct me to the person with whom I can best cooperate in doing God's Holy Will, with whom I can live in peace, love and harmony in this life, and attain to eternal joys in the next.
Amen.

[OnlySunshine]

I'm an unsubscribed member of CatholicMatch.com, but I've noticed that my matches are really low! I only have about 15. Not a whole lot to choose from. One of my matches says that he's looking for someone who is "sexually alluring..." Not something I'd expect to find on a Catholic dating site. I was thinking it would be tame.

But, anyway, did any of you who registered notice that your matches were pretty low until you subscribed? I'm not sure I will subscribe unless you get more because it seems like a waste. About the only thing I can't do is send messages to my matches.

[Maggyie]

Keep in mind that you aren't restricted to just talking to your "matches." My bf was not on my list of matches, I don't think. I did have a 2-3 pages of matches. But I don't think he was on there. I just did a search of my local area between a certain age range, and that's how I found him.

[CatherineM]

When I was trying to figure out how to limit my matches on Ave Maria, I took to heart what it said there that you should be open to the Holy Spirit taking you where you need to go. I didn't even know where Alberta was. I had asked God to send me a husband. When he did, I couldn't say, "um, could you find one in a tad warmer place?"

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='Maggie' timestamp='1284902519' post='2174519']
Keep in mind that you aren't restricted to just talking to your "matches." My bf was not on my list of matches, I don't think. I did have a 2-3 pages of matches. But I don't think he was on there. I just did a search of my local area between a certain age range, and that's how I found him.
[/quote]

That's interesting. I didn't know about it until you told me. I went back and searched, and most of the people that came up were either inactive or didn't believe in all 7 teachings of the Church (which were mostly premarital sex and contraception; papal infallibility seems to be a big one too).


[quote name='CatherineM' timestamp='1284906836' post='2174548']
When I was trying to figure out how to limit my matches on Ave Maria, I took to heart what it said there that you should be open to the Holy Spirit taking you where you need to go. I didn't even know where Alberta was. I had asked God to send me a husband. When he did, I couldn't say, "um, could you find one in a tad warmer place?"
[/quote]

LOL, I'm unable to even consider moving at this time. I have no job, no money, and I am trying to finish my AA degree...

[Lilllabettt]

[quote name='MaterMisericordiae' timestamp='1284943444' post='2174752']
That's interesting. I didn't know about it until you told me. I went back and searched, and most of the people that came up were either inactive or didn't believe in all 7 teachings of the Church (which were mostly premarital sex and contraception; papal infallibility seems to be a big one too).
[/quote]

just fyi, after you join you can limit your search results according to how may teachings they accept or how recently they've been active.

Good luck; of my 5 married/engaged friends all of them met their husbands on catholic match.

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='Lilllabettt' timestamp='1284947935' post='2174780']
just fyi, after you join you can limit your search results according to how may teachings they accept or how recently they've been active.

Good luck; of my 5 married/engaged friends all of them met their husbands on catholic match.
[/quote]

Fortunately, I'm able to do that now even though I haven't paid for my membership. I limited my search results to only those who accept all 7 of the 7 doctrines of the faith. It's just amazing in a bad way to see how many men believe it's ok to have premarital sex and still call themselves Catholics. I'm still dumbfounded that several of them don't believe in papal infallibility. One guy I came across doesn't believe in the Immaculate Conception of Mary.

[Lilllabettt]

[quote name='MaterMisericordiae' timestamp='1284951006' post='2174785']
Fortunately, I'm able to do that now even though I haven't paid for my membership. I limited my search results to only those who accept all 7 of the 7 doctrines of the faith. It's just amazing in a bad way to see how many men believe it's ok to have premarital sex and still call themselves Catholics. I'm still dumbfounded that several of them don't believe in papal infallibility. One guy I came across doesn't believe in the Immaculate Conception of Mary.
[/quote]


Isn't that weird? The premarital sex/contraception thing I would almost expect. "Real" heretics are kind of a strange animal.

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='Lilllabettt' timestamp='1284951193' post='2174787']
Isn't that weird? The premarital sex/contraception thing I would almost expect. "Real" heretics are kind of a strange animal.
[/quote]

It really is sad. It's also interesting that one of my matches wrote a long "about me" section that voiced his concerns over the women who don't adhere to the doctrines of the faith. He said that those who don't follow the 7 doctrines are heretics. So, I guess there are two sides to the coin.