Solution To Bullying

[dominicansoul]

i think most bullies are insecure. they act out in tough, "cool" ways, because they have to compensate for the fear they actually have of NOT being accepted by their peers...

...bullies like to intimidate others and treat others with disdain because they have been treated with little to no love in their own lifetimes

...when someone does come along and shows up a bully, the bully than cowers behind others and talks smack about that person to whom they could NOT intimidate or gain control over...they can't talk smack to that person to their face, but they run off with their tail between their legs and find others that would go-along with the silliness...


I have encountered bullies all my life, from real life situations growing up in racist central Texas, and real-life situations dealing with bullies in the convent, to even on-line bullies...and the pattern remains the same...they really HATE themselves...

...I have found the Divine Mercy Chaplet quite successful changing people's hearts, hurts and wounds... the bullies change... and deep down inside, you find a soul needing to recognize that there is a God...and He's madly in love with them...

[TeresaBenedicta]

I can't help but think of the scene in "Bells of St Mary" where the sister teaches the little boy how to fight so he can stop another boy from picking on him.

I was the victim of some bullying as a kid. I was also the instigator of some bullying as a kid. The former was only stopped when I stood up for myself. The latter was, as others have hinted at, a product of insecurity.

[Ephrem Augustine]

I have encountered, all throughout my life, that people become passive aggressive bullies, because they could never quite confront things, or people directly.

Personally, I think it would do everyone a lot of good, if we could teach kids how to confront others honestly and non-violently. (It is of course not to say it wouldn't benefit them as much to confront them should their be violence, or to go to the right authorities should the violence include like you know guns and gangs).

The trouble is, we can teach kids how to share, how to have fun, how to be nice, how to play fair, how to apologize... and not really teach them how to act and react in the instance of somebody who does not share, does not give others their happiness, refuses to be nice, or play fair, and does not apologize. Without trying to sound too corny or anything. Somebody doesn't play by the rules, you call him out on it directly. you see him act like a chicken by coming up with excuses or using force to get out of the situation, but the bully doesn't expect to be called out.

The wild west frontier of the internet has, in some ways, become a haven for kids to frolic about like lord of the flies making up the rules as they go along. most parents see little reason to guide their kids in their internet affairs being clueless in it themselves. Of course, even good Catholic adults don't seem to be mature enough as indicated by 10 rules of engagement for catholics on the internet. Kids are just way more sensitive to the verbal abuse then adults are, and as a result suffer more from it.

I say we do an exorcism on the internet.

[CatherineM]

I was a head taller than most of my classmates until highschool. I was I'm sure at times a bully, or at the least intimidating. I still think about and regret many things I did. I wish someone, a teacher or parent, had made me understand better. I also wish that the memories I had of those instances were the ones I lost when I had my head injury. Lost my first kiss instead.

[Mr.Cat]

[quote name='CatherineM' timestamp='1287451808' post='2180582']I was a head taller than most of my classmates until highschool. I was I'm sure at times a bully, or at the least intimidating. I still think about and regret many things I did. I wish someone, a teacher or parent, had made me understand better. I also wish that the memories I had of those instances were the ones I lost when I had my head injury. Lost my first kiss instead[/quote]That makes me horribly upset... Have you tried to seek out any kind of counseling or therapy now to recover that memory or to handle these feelings?

Edited October 19, 2010 by Mr Cat

[CatherineM]

[quote name='Mr Cat' timestamp='1287452307' post='2180583']
That makes me horribly upset... Have you tried to seek out any kind of counseling or therapy now to recover that memory or to handle these feelings?
[/quote]
I have had Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Prolonged Exposure Therapy. PET is one of the few treatments that has been shown to work for people with severe PTSD. It is an extremely difficult therapy that involves recounting and reliving the trauma over and over again. You have to retell it to the psychiatrist for an hour, and then listen to that tape of yourself retelling it for several hours a day. It is usually done inpatient, but some people can be approved to do it outpatient as I did. The drop out rate for the therapy is 50%, and the suicide attempt rate is also higher than most therapies because it is so intense, but if you can tough it out, it has an 80% success rate at the end.

As to the brain injury itself, there's not much you can do. I have both a traumatic brain injury from the fall, and an acquired brain injury from the lack of oxygen to my brain from the strangulation. Most of the physical therapy or occupational therapy for that has been around learning adaptions. I have partial aphasia. That basically means I have trouble understanding oral words spoken to me, and occasionally have trouble coming up with a word I can picture in my head. I'm obviously better at written communication. That part of my brain wasn't hurt. One thing I do is listen to audio books. If I listen to a book that I am very familiar with, having read 10+ times at least, then it seems to help. The biggest help is just limiting stress and getting enough sleep. It can make taking notes in class interesting.

As to things I did as a child that I regret now, that's kind of an occupational hazard for anyone over the age of 40. If you live long enough, there will be lots of things you wished you'd done differently. I can't go back in a time machine. I can seek reconciliation, but even more important, is to try to live every day now, in such a way that you won't have regrets in the future. I try to live a good life, be a good wife, a good Catholic, and I try to give back to society to the best of my ability. Some days are more productive than others.

[Era Might]

[quote name='Socrates' timestamp='1287425057' post='2180417']I don't in anyway condone or encourage bullying, but kids have always had to learn how to put up with bullies growing up. It's a necessary survival skill for boys to grown into men. It's an ugly reality, but life is often ugly.
I think zero-tolerance could breed over-protected weaklings.[/quote]
I agree with this, especially when you say "it's a necessary survival skill for boys to grow into men." Getting teased and picked on is just a part of society. You either know how to deal with it or you don't. And I really do feel bad for kids who don't (and you always knew who they were). They're helpless. I don't think I would say they are necessarily "weaklings." You can be weak and still know how to deal with bullying (i.e., by getting over it). The kids who can't deal are more emotionally incapable, I think.

That being said, I probably have a number of thoughts on the social phenomena of "bullying." Why, at this point in history, have we framed this new "social problem" called "bullying"? Has anyone in history ever framed such a social problem? Obviously there has always been "bullying." But in our society it is not merely something that exists...like everything else, our society likes to turn life into problems, and then turn problems into needs that need to be filled by institutions. I suspect it's no different with bullying. This new "social problem" will give institutions the justification to create more professionals to deal with the "needs" of the bullies. There will be a variety of institutional responses (more administration in schools, etc.). So before even getting into the bullying itself, I would have to question the very existence of this new "social problem." But I don't have time at the moment to think or expand further...maybe others have some thoughts.

Edited October 19, 2010 by Era Might

[MichaelFilo]

The first time I experienced bullying after middle school was in a seminary.

Edited October 19, 2010 by MichaelFilo

[tinytherese]

I believe that the start of this problem was when two people ate forbidden fruit in a place called Eden...




The answer to this problem may be that we need to learn, understand, and teach what real love is, which MIKolbe mentioned is Jesus. We need to live out and teach others how to live out the two greatest commandments, which is obviously not an easy or quick task that any generation will figure out until the world itself ends.

[Winchester]

Let. Kids. Fight.

It's the same solution as for criminals, who thrive when the right for individuals to defend themselves is diminished or removed. As far as school answers to bullying are concerned, it's the same as with cops: They are there to punish after the fact, and they will miss the majority of incidents, whereas victims and witnesses will be present at every incident and if they are not required to defer protection to authorities there will be a greater number of problems solved. Some will never occur, as bullies will be afraid of instant and serious reprisal.

You will never end all bullying, but if you approach the "problem" of children fighting with the idea to discipline (as opposed to eliminate) it by punishing improper fighting and encouraging people to stand up (currently, standing up to bullies means either running to tell teacher or telling the bully in a very firm voice that bullying is bad and mean) to bullies for both themselves and others who need it.

Edited October 19, 2010 by Winchester

[HopefulBride]

There is a difference between being teased and being bullied. I've had both happen to me and let me tell you, standing up for yourself works either by hiting the person back (disclaimer, I don't condone hitting but do believe in self defense) or involving a parent I remember going through it for like 5 months with this kid on my bus and I never said a thing. Finally, on the bus ride home one day, I moved the girl next to her sat down real close to her and flat out told her "try me ONE more time and you'll regret it" Never got it from her again.

Now the kids who teased me, of course I knew it was all in good fun (being called bones or sticks wasn't that horrific to me) being demeaning towards me - that I had a problem with. That phenomenon I think is growing. More and more kids are graduating from simple teasing to flat out bullying and relentless attackas, to make it worse these kids don't care that they are truly hurting another student. (sorry flashbacks for a second )

***typos of course***

Edited October 19, 2010 by HopefulBride

[HopefulBride]

[quote name='MichaelFilo' timestamp='1287501907' post='2180687']
The first time I experienced bullying after middle school was in a seminary.
[/quote]

Michael, you just nullified my theory that seminary boys are the kindest towards each other

[MichaelFilo]

[quote name='HopefulBride' timestamp='1287510255' post='2180735']
Michael, you just nullified my theory that seminary boys are the kindest towards each other
[/quote]


Oh they can be, but that doesn't mean they are the nicest. They will bend over backwards for you, but it doesn't mean you don't get made fun of regularly for your race (if I hear one more terrorist joke..) or how slow I was. But it maybe because it is a bunch of guys.

[Norseman82]

Count me among the "let people defend themselves" crowd.

[quote name='MichaelFilo' timestamp='1287511177' post='2180740']
Oh they can be, but that doesn't mean they are the nicest. They will bend over backwards for you, but it doesn't mean you don't get made fun of regularly for your race (if I hear one more terrorist joke..) or how slow I was. But it maybe because it is a bunch of guys.
[/quote]

Well, seminaries are one of the few all-male bastions left today, and there is a kind of "machismo" that develops (I'm speaking from a HS seminary viewpoint).

[MichaelFilo]

You are so right! And if you didn't have a brother growing up it takes a little getting used to. But yes, you are right. Nothing wrong with it, but the guys who have been there the longest never do it, so maybe there is something wrong. It does come with the all-boy crowd though.

[MissScripture]

[quote name='CatherineM' timestamp='1287415248' post='2180360']
Zero tolerance I guess. There are still some people who believe it is part of growing up. My husband was bullied so badly he had to drop out of highschool. He's got 2 Masters and a Doctorate, but no highschool diploma.
[/quote]
My problem with zero tolerance is that too often the wrong person gets in trouble for it. In high school, one of my friends was something of a misfit. The only reason he actually talked to me and we became friends is that our older brothers were friends, and so he knew that I knew that if I was mean to him, his brother would squish me like a bug. Anyway, the things people did to him were horrible, but so much of it was pyschological that none of the teachers really believed him, and when he would hit his breaking point and react violently, HE would be the one who would get it, rather than any of the other kids. And the other kids would act all innoccent and claim he was making everything up.

[Winchester]

My problem with zero tolerance is that it is lazy and stupid. If a school can't rule on a case by case basis, then the disciplinarians are inept.