Painful Discernment

[tnavarro61]

Dearest phriends,

i got now the courage to tell you what I feel right now.

I feel my life is heading nowhere. I feel my life has no meaning. I feel so frustrated, so sad. I feel so alone in my struggles.

For those who didn't know, I was hoping to be an Intercessor of the Lamb hermit. I made a silent retreat with the sisters on mission last April and the vocation was "confirmed". Unfortunately the community was suppressed last October 2010. I sometimes feel that this loneliness is out of place, since I haven't been to Bellwether, the center of the Intercessors when they were still recognized by the Church, and the silent retreat was part of the "informal" discernment since only a part of the community knows me. I was involved with their lay companions by the way.

I don't think much about the suppression but the fruits are still effective. I have to stop meeting with my spiritual director, because that's what the authorities told us. I cannot approach any former members of the hermit and lay community because I know they are dealing with their pains too. That's why I feel so alone, in fact, really alone here in this point of my life. Thanks be to God for my online buddies. You are helping me a lot. But I need to talk to someone face to face. Also, because the community I was "discerning with" is gone, I have to look for other communities.

What hurts me most is that I do not know where I am going. I feel my life is meaningless. When I was "rejected" by a religious order when I just asked for information, I am wondering now if God wants me to stop discerning religious life for a moment. All of a sudden, discernment has become so difficult, so inaccessible. All of a sudden, discerning isn't exciting anymore; it has become very painful. it cuts deeply through my heart. If I have to stop discerning, what should I do now? Live as if nothing took place? Live a normal Christian life? But how? Discerning religious life is part of my normal life. I am praying hard for my vocation, but this pain won't leave me.

I was trying to contact another community for weeks and they won't reply to my email. When I called them, I was told to wait for the reply since the director is on a trip. This is another disappointment.

I feel so bad and disappointed. I look at the faces of the priests and religious that I meet and I wonder when will I be as happy as them. Still I feel thankful for God gave me a clue of the joy I would be experiencing soon.

I know you guys are very happy here in Phatmass and I am so sorry for the dark tone of this post.

God bless you.

[tnavarro61]

i am asking for your prayers. Thank you and may God bless you!

[tinytherese]

I'll pray for you.


Also, from what you describe about your mood, I wouldn't make any decisions yet as far as whether to continue discerning or not. You appear to need to grieve your loss and to collect yourself before honestly taking a look at your vocation. Finding another spiritual director might help.

[morostheos]

Be assured of my prayers.

I would agree with what TinyTherese said. Maybe you could contact the vocations director in your diocese for help finding a new spiritual director?

Be assured that God has a plan for you and He wants to reveal it to you in His time.

[regina_coeli]

Prayers!!!

[ksterling]

Dear TN:

I am so sorry this has hapened to you and sympathize with the pain you must feel. To have your plans and your life thrown into uncertainty must be profoundly distressing. Don't be a victim and feel sorry for yourself - you weren't rejected - rather, events transpsired that were completely out of your control. Take action - make new plans. I am a firm believer in the old adage "God helps those who help themselves." I totally agree with the advise that you should get a new SD right away before these events eat at you and discourage you from continuing your discernment. Find someone you are comfortable and begin again. If you really have a vocation, you will find your way with a little help. Get on the internet - look at other communities. Ask for some advice from other PMers who are also discerning. As I have come to realize, there is a whole world out there with all kinds of different communities. Surely you can find one that's right for you. You just have to begin. You also, however, have to let go and put this experience behind you rather than dwell on it. Good luck.

Kat

[tnavarro61]

thank you very much for your prayers and suggestions. TinyTherese, thank you very much, now I realize that I have to admit that I am really lonely about what happened. I also think I have to look for other communities aside from the one I'm contacting now, they cannot be reached anyway.

Thank you very much too ksterling for your suggestions too. I'll really make efforts to help myself! I'll just have to begin.

I don't know whom to contact in our archdiocese about spiritual directors. oh..

[ksterling]

How about starting with your parish priest?

[tnavarro61]

i think things are different in USA and here. I don't really belong to a parish and most of us here in our place don't; i go to a Redemptorist church for Sunday mass. And if I have to talk to the parish priests, i have to undergo the scutiny of his secretary. got traumatized with that.

[morostheos]

There are two sisters in the community I'm with that are from the Phillipines - if you'd like I could ask them if they have any suggestions for finding a spiritual director there. Just let me know!

[tnavarro61]

[quote name='morostheos' timestamp='1291904394' post='2191735']
There are two sisters in the community I'm with that are from the Phillipines - if you'd like I could ask them if they have any suggestions for finding a spiritual director there. Just let me know!
[/quote]

thank you morostheos! i would appreciate that!

[vee]

First of all Im praying for you. Secondly while you try to find an Earthly spiritual director be more and more open to the Holy Spirit teaching you as well as the saints. Every time Ive been in dire need of direction Ive begged God for help and it has come from both people on Earth and the saints. You also dont necessarily have to have a priest as an official spiritual director although it would be nice but you could have a seminarian, a nun/sister, or even a lay person. Also keep in mind that God may permit you to have no director for a time because as many saints write, such as St Faustina, John of the Cross, and Teresa of Avila, great harm can be done by a bad/incompetent director. As I said then the Holy Spirit will teach you. Lastly, you must always try to focus straight ahead on Jesus, especially in His passion and neither to the left or right getting so caught up in other things. When you focus directly on Jesus He will be able to help you see the things on the left and right with the proper view.

[Hinter dem Horizont]

I have felt a lot of pain during my discernment as well because I am in a relationship with a girl that I love but the call towards priesthood is a lot stronger than the call to marriage. As well, I have been turned down by a Franciscan order that I truly thought was my calling but it obviously was not. I was thinking about the Trappists for a while but that did not bring me peace. Now, I have found a few orders that I am at peace with. More peace than I have ever felt with other orders.

You will be turned down. It is a matter of life. What we think we might want is not exactly what God wants. The orders that turned you down are not the orders that God wants you to think about. Once you have found the correct path, that is the path that will not fail. I urge you to keep looking and keep praying. You'll be in my prayers!

[elizabeth09]

Prayers for sure.

[Chapel Rat]

lots of prayers.

[OnlySunshine]

I'm sure you remember how I thought I had found my home with the Carmelites DCJ, but I had an anxiety attack while I was working in their apostolate. I felt restless and not at peace with myself. I felt like God was not calling me there. It hurts, tnavarro61. Especially when you thought you had found what God had called you to do, and then something like this happens. I know, for me, it felt like I was tricked at first because I felt so certain after visiting the Motherhouse that I was supposed to apply there. But, I knew, without a doubt, that God was not calling me there after praying for several months. The guilt can fester and make you cynical and I didn't want that to happen at all.

Don't let your experiences with a few communities make you critical of all of them. If God is indeed calling you to religious life, it is going to take a lot of trial and effort on your part to find that community that you feel completely at ease and at home in. Prayers for you, tnavarro61.

[tnavarro61]

thank you very much for your prayers and kindness, my dear phamily.i am reading your posts/suggestions here, and I'll be taking these to prayer later.

The community that I was trying to contact (mentioned in the fourth-to-the-last paragraph) finally replied! They told me that i am not of age (25+ is required; I am 18) but they told me that I could always ask for more information and communicate with them. They sent me a vocation brochure. I am so touched with their email, and they're the opposite of the community I asked for information (not apply) but refused because I live overseas.

But I don't think I should wait until i reach 25. I would like to enter probably in two years. I think I should ask the Franciscans of the Immaculate again for information. I used to ask them for info, but stopped because I thought I found my home.


Do you think I should never mention to vocation directors what I have experienced when I start discerning again? I'll try calling the Franciscans of the Immaculate on Sunday, and I'll be praying a lot for it.

God bless you!

tnavarro61

[tnavarro61]

it's interesting how phatmass became a "diary" for me.

[url="http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/index.php?showtopic=85385&st=20&p=2027495&hl=+franciscans%20+immaculate&fromsearch=1&#entry2027495"]here[/url]

On the second to the last post, it was just weeks before I discovered the Intercessors. Prior to that posts are my dilemma about college course. The last post is an update after a year (2009) I was with the Intercessors that time, but I haven't discerned with the Hermits. I have shifted to another college degree, Legal Management.

oh phatmass thank you very much.

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='tnavarro61' timestamp='1291971603' post='2191925']
thank you very much for your prayers and kindness, my dear phamily.i am reading your posts/suggestions here, and I'll be taking these to prayer later.

The community that I was trying to contact (mentioned in the fourth-to-the-last paragraph) finally replied! They told me that i am not of age (25+ is required; I am 18) but they told me that I could always ask for more information and communicate with them. They sent me a vocation brochure. I am so touched with their email, and they're the opposite of the community I asked for information (not apply) but refused because I live overseas.

But I don't think I should wait until i reach 25. I would like to enter probably in two years. I think I should ask the Franciscans of the Immaculate again for information. I used to ask them for info, but stopped because I thought I found my home.


Do you think I should never mention to vocation directors what I have experienced when I start discerning again? I'll try calling the Franciscans of the Immaculate on Sunday, and I'll be praying a lot for it.

God bless you!

tnavarro61
[/quote]

7 years is too long for some people, but be open to the fact that God may want you to wait that long. Some directors wouldn't recommend it. I'd get a new spiritual director and start building a relationship. He would be able to help you determine when it's time to enter.

Also, while it's not necessary to tell the vocation directors you get in touch with about your experiences with the Intercessors, I shouldn't think it would cause a problem. You were not to blame, and hopefully, they will understand that.

[MissScripture]

[quote name='tnavarro61' timestamp='1291971603' post='2191925']
thank you very much for your prayers and kindness, my dear phamily.i am reading your posts/suggestions here, and I'll be taking these to prayer later.

The community that I was trying to contact (mentioned in the fourth-to-the-last paragraph) finally replied! They told me that i am not of age (25+ is required; I am 18) but they told me that I could always ask for more information and communicate with them. They sent me a vocation brochure. I am so touched with their email, and they're the opposite of the community I asked for information (not apply) but refused because I live overseas.

But I don't think I should wait until i reach 25. I would like to enter probably in two years. I think I should ask the Franciscans of the Immaculate again for information. I used to ask them for info, but stopped because I thought I found my home.


Do you think I should never mention to vocation directors what I have experienced when I start discerning again? I'll try calling the Franciscans of the Immaculate on Sunday, and I'll be praying a lot for it.

God bless you!

tnavarro61
[/quote]
I would think your experience would actually be something of importance to mention, because it's clearly affecting your discernment now, and may continue to do so in the future. As MM said, hopefully they'll be able to understand that you had nothing to do with what happened. But it is something that could color the way you look at orders/your calling in the future, and so it is something that they probably need to know in order to be the best spiritual director for you. If they have an issue with you because of it, they're probably not going to be the best spiritual director for you, anyway.