Answering Parents' Concerns

[TeresaBenedicta]

I know we've had a few topics about parents and their reactions to their children entering religious life... I'm hoping we can use this thread to A) compile resources that are helpful for parents and B) have some of those who have been through this all before give advice on particular issues.

The main issue I'm struggling explaining is that of the vow of poverty. My family is struggling with the fact that I won't be making my own money, that I won't be paying for things myself, that, if I am to see them, the burden of expense will likely largely fall on them. It sounds harsh, but both of my parents came from a background where they were poor and they fought their way out of poverty. They fought to succeed. And to give us a good grounding... now to go back to poverty...

For my own part, my family situation is one where I am the only one of faith.

So how does one explain the supernatural virtue of poverty to those without the virtue of faith? I know that it's impossible to fully grasp... but is there any way of helping them come to see that I will be taken care of?

[TeresaBenedicta]

[url="http://www.firstthings.com/article/2009/07/sisters--daughters"]This article[/url] (which happens to be about two sister sisters in my order, one of whom I know very well) is helpful, I think, for some parents.

[TheresaThoma]

TB thank you for posting this article.
[quote]“I’m sorry, Ray. I love you, but I can’t support a course of action I think is wrong for you."[/quote] This part sounds so much like what my mother has told me in the past. Seeing how her mother was able to come around gives me hope.

[marigold]

Sigh, yes that's very similar to what my mother has told me too...

I really relate to your family's concerns about poverty. Same concerns over my way. Celibacy as well - not for having to give up being grandparents/aunts etc. but because for them, being liberal agnostics/atheists, sex is pretty much the height of human experience. In fact my mother said, 'Why couldn't she just have been a lesbian?' Hehe.

Obedience - let's not even go there Come to think of it, all of it has been pretty scandalous for them. It's really hard. I don't have any good advice, only my assurance that you're SO not alone with this

[marigold]

What a beautiful article!

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

I have no idea what to tell you, other than what I heard someone say to a relative of theirs once about entering the religious life. "You've always told me that you wanted me to do what made me happy. This is what makes me happy, so why can't you just accept that?" I do not have much experience with these kinds of issues, so I am no help.
Definitely the whole "cloistered" thing really struck my parents at first, but after a while of them seeing how much I wanted this and how much I really think this is God's plan for me, they accepted it with more ease. This will be hard for both of them, I think their main worry is that I might go into this blindly and I will regret it later and not be able to leave. I have explained to them multiple times about the live-in and how you have 7-9 years before you can take your perpetual vows, but they are my parents so they still worry.
You know what my mom just said to me as I'm typing this? "I'm making you dinner with a lot of chicken in it because you'll be a vegetarian in a few years HA!

[sophia13]

[quote name='TeresaBenedicta' timestamp='1320782049' post='2333301']
[url="http://www.firstthings.com/article/2009/07/sisters--daughters"]This article[/url] (which happens to be about two sister sisters in my order, one of whom I know very well) is helpful, I think, for some parents.
[/quote]

TB, thank you for posting this article! I'm actually in class right now - oops - so I have yet to read the whole thing, but from the first few paragraphs, the article describes [i]exactly[/i] what my mother is wrestling with. I'm definitely looking forward to reading the rest, and might even pass it along to my mom.

[MarysLittleFlower]

It must be hard describing the reasons for celibacy, (and of course poverty, and obedience!) and the cloister - to parents who might not be Catholic or not see simiarly on these issues... I'm dreading having to do this if I'll ever enter a religious order.

What do you DO if your family starts disagreeing? I know arguing would be really bad. Do you just stay silent, or try to explain?

[MarysLittleFlower]

At what point did you all tell your famiy? (for those who told). When do you think is the right time?

[MissScripture]

Would showing your family the clips of the DSMME on Oprah help at all? I mean, obviously there are some things that vary from convent to convent (and differences between active and cloistered orders), but if I remember correctly, they did talk about celibacy and how their sexuality isn't "repressed" but used in a different way, and they talked about the general lifestyle of a Sister.

[LaPetiteSoeur]

My parents are worried mostly about the distance. After living far (very, very far) away from family for over 20 years, they don't like any family member being far away. I'm five hours away at university and my dad has issues.

It helped him when I told him he could visit me, and I could call him and could write to him.

The whole "mendicant" thing is not a bridge I have decided to cross with them yet. Mostly because my father would worry, and he needs no more stress in his life right now!

[TeresaBenedicta]

Luckily, my parents are very supportive. So my difficulty right now isn't in trying to get their support... they love me and want me to be happy and they know this will make me happy. But they don't understand. And that's the tough thing right now. Without the gift of faith they may never understand, but gosh, a bit of illumination would go a long ways with what they are suffering right now.

[she_who_is_not]

I'll pray for you and your parents TB. I remember reading once about a convert who entered an active order and her parents converted at Easter the next year!

[das8949]

TB et al,

As someone who was in RL and has a friend in her former NM I can attest to the responsibilities of "poverty". Whenever Sister M. Barbra (SMB) and we get together over the past 40 years,the financial responsibilities fall squarely at my feet. She is a Sister of Notre Dame and they are active community. We have bought her airplane ticket, will pay for meals, entertainment,gifts etc while she is with us. If there is something she needs such as shoes etc we get those as well.

I think the important thing for parents to understand is that you may not earn a living in a worldly manner but what you earn in intrinsic value is priceless. I also think it is much easier for Catholic parents to understand and especially for thosewho do not have a strong faith background. I am sure they feel as though they have failed their child in some way.

[cmaD2006]

[quote name='TeresaBenedicta' timestamp='1320780809' post='2333294']
...
The main issue I'm struggling explaining is that of the vow of poverty. My family is struggling with the fact that I won't be making my own money, that I won't be paying for things myself, that, if I am to see them, the burden of expense will likely largely fall on them. It sounds harsh, but both of my parents came from a background where they were poor and they fought their way out of poverty. They fought to succeed. And to give us a good grounding... now to go back to poverty...
...
So how does one explain the supernatural virtue of poverty to those without the virtue of faith? I know that it's impossible to fully grasp... but is there any way of helping them come to see that I will be taken care of?
[/quote]

YES I actually have a suggestion (or two) that helped my parents (especially my dad). And a bit of background -- I (like your parents) worked my way out of poverty. My mom and dad were quite poor -- even after I was able to get out of that cycle. So I do believe that my parents probably had the same fears as your parents did, from the poverty aspect. At a minimum, my dad had met sisters in Puerto Rico when he had lived there (probably pre 1960's) where the sisters didn't even have enough to eat. In addition, my parents were baptized Catholic but neither were practicing Catholics.

a) the community that I had applied with way-back-when actually included as part of the process a home visit by the vocation director. My mom dad been supportive of my vocation. My dad -- for some reason was not supportive. Well, I found out during that visit that my dad was really concerned about my welfare -- he wanted to make sure that I would be taken care of. Once he spoke to the sister, who explained how they lived, he was much calmer about the situation. In fact -- he was supportive (saying "I'd rather see her married with Jesus than with a bad man.")

b) when I entered for the first time (a different community than the one above), my dad had already passed away. So -- I arranged with the sisters to have my mom travel with me for a visit before I entered, that way she would know physically where I was and she would at least know some of the sisters that I was living with. It really did help her to know where I would be living. It was a comfort for her, and she was able to see how the sisters lived.

I think these two suggestions might help? You could only do so much to try to explain what poverty is, but a sister may be able to explain it better -- and visiting where the sisters live helps that much more. I think experiencing some time with the sisters will work wonders.

[brandelynmarie]

My parents (a nonpracticingCatholic/former Baptist & a Nazarene) are kinda . When I left the country at age 20, they were like, "Well, have a good time." Which in some ways makes it easier for me, but in other ways makes it more painful.

[InPersonaChriste]

I told my family immediately that I was actively discerning. It was not as a sense of pride or being scared, but I was overcome by this unspeakable joy at having a chance to become something that I felt so deeply the first time I ever met a sister. My father is shamelessy proud of his children for discerning their vocations, but he is also incredibly scared for me as I will be going on retreat in an entirely different country, on a plane, and on my own!

My mother was a convert and she really did not understand the vocation of religious life other than the Priesthood. I think God helped me out though when I went to Chile with her. I met the Visitation nuns with my mother in the parlour with a grille and everything. It was absolutely beautiful to see my mother ask questions and talk and laugh normally with the Mother Superioir and another sister. I know that makes my mom sound like some sort of robot, but I needed the reassurance as much as she needed the experience.

Praise be Jesus Christ

Edited November 9, 2011 by InPersonaChriste

[juchu]

As cmariadiaz suggested I also hope that "getting to know the place and the sisters" will help.

I told my parents about 1,5 years ago but it was last Christmas when I was with the community instead of being "home" that they realized that this is real.

Right now we are actually at a wonderful point - they themselves decided to visit the community to "check" it out while on vacation in the same country. It did help that two of my friends (one a friend at my age and someone else who has been something like a father for me for some time) visited and the later one actually talked to my parents that it is not "so bad at all".

They will never [b][i]understand [/i][/b]what it is that makes me do this, but honestly I myself do not [i][b]understand[/b][/i] it either... But I feel, believe, hope that this is what God is asking from me.

Actually, as a suggestion, I hope it will help my parents to see the sisters without me. I think it would be too hard if I was sitting with them in chapel, working, etc. So for now they can just visit and do not constnatly see me there.
I know that for your parents, TB, this is not possible as you have already almost entered.
But maybe it helps someone else.

And may I also ask for prayers... they visit next Wednesday!

[TeresaBenedicta]

[quote name='juchu' timestamp='1320842376' post='2333688']
As cmariadiaz suggested I also hope that "getting to know the place and the sisters" will help.

I told my parents about 1,5 years ago but it was last Christmas when I was with the community instead of being "home" that they realized that this is real.

Right now we are actually at a wonderful point - they themselves decided to visit the community to "check" it out while on vacation in the same country. It did help that two of my friends (one a friend at my age and someone else who has been something like a father for me for some time) visited and the later one actually talked to my parents that it is not "so bad at all".

They will never [b][i]understand [/i][/b]what it is that makes me do this, but honestly I myself do not [i][b]understand[/b][/i] it either... But I feel, believe, hope that this is what God is asking from me.

Actually, as a suggestion, I hope it will help my parents to see the sisters without me. I think it would be too hard if I was sitting with them in chapel, working, etc. So for now they can just visit and do not constnatly see me there.
I know that for your parents, TB, this is not possible as you have already almost entered.
But maybe it helps someone else.

And may I also ask for prayers... they visit next Wednesday!
[/quote]

You know, fortunately enough, my parents [i]have[/i] met the sisters- and without my being there! And I do think that helped a lot as well. (Three sisters came to my graduation a year and a half ago and sat with my family.)

I really think right now there is simply a struggle in understanding the supernatural in all of this. Without strong faith, how [i]can[/i] you understand the virtue of poverty? How can you understand that God is the only possession that my heart seeks to own? And that, although it seems contrary to logic, our love will only grow without these other material 'things'... because without them, what is there? Only love. Love in its purest form.

I suppose experiencing the truth of this will be the only way they can come to understand.

Thanks be to God my parents love me so much and they want me to be happy more than anything else and they know this does make me happy...

Also- prayers for you and your family!

[juchu]

Then it is really good that they have met them already. And also great that they came to your graduation!

[quote name='TeresaBenedicta' timestamp='1320849486' post='2333713']

I suppose experiencing the truth of this will be the only way they can come to understand.

[/quote]

I guess so... I mean, I cannot speak from experience about religious life... but first my parents were quite surprised and sceptical that I studied theology at university. We are not really a religious family. But during the last years at least we go to church together for Christmas and my nephews were baptised and all not so much out of "obligation" but at something "natural" which has not always been in our family, its a little bit a "rediscovery" like "well, our daughter does theology so maybe we will try it out how it feels to be a little bit religious"...

So maybe - sometimes we children - can also be instruments of Gods grace to our parents in response to all the blessings we have also received through them.

So hopefully for our parents our entry into religious life will be a bit "experiencing the truth" of all this... And maybe while we are trying to pray, trying to understand and keep praying for them they will sometime understand.
Its a bit like in 1 Cor 13 (I do not know the exact English translation):[i] For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror, then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.[/i]

Oh and some funny side note: I just talked to my mother on the phone before them leaving tomorrow for vacation. She asked me how things "work", what she could do wrong, etc. I basically tried to tell her not to worry, that the sisters would guide them through it, but eventually explained a bit about how it works in the refectory and then she summed it up to my dad and it was like: "okay, listen .......! You eat what you get, you get it passed and you just pass it on. You pass on everything that one gives to you, be it food or salt or oil. But no the glass with tea you keep! And then there is coffee after lunch. Oh and you can't speak! But you can say Amen to the prayer!"