Disappointment In Discernment

[vee]

On Earth His crown of thorns is the only crown of glory you will get. But the value of that, to save a soul, is priceless.

He wore it to save your soul, He knows your pain.


[img]http://img1.eyefetch.com/p/p3/1094002-d0b7f0a7-82e0-4099-8d5a-1ddd4d6e40c2.jpg[/img]

[Totus Tuus]

[quote name='StClare_OraProNobis' timestamp='1325226247' post='2359868']
Any else here experience a lot of disappointment when the results of your discernment were not what you had hoped for? Any advice for how to move on? In particular in my circumstance I was in the convent for nearly 2 years and then had to leave for health reasons and have been told clearly that I do not have a religious vocation. Makes me wonder for what purpose I am here at all if God does not want the highest level of intimacy possible with me.
[/quote]

I had to leave a particular community as well, and it was a huge disappointment, though I think that word is a huge understatement. It was more like heartbreak. You may be blessed that you were told that you don't have a vocation to RL, though, because I wasn't-- I don't know if my superior was afraid to hurt my feelings (she had a tendency to tiptoe around things) or if she wasn't sure if I did have a calling, because they told me that they thought I should continue to pursue religious life, just not there. I think the second tremendous disappointment for me was having to come to the slow realization that there would never be another community for me. I visited a lot more after that, and had visited a lot before that, and nothing was the same. I do believe that God had the door open for me if I wanted to join religious life again, but I couldn't bring myself to enter at a place I didn't feel completely called to. When I did try to enter a cloistered Dominican order, I was told I had to go to college first, and it was in that process that I came to terms with the fact that I needed to pursue other vocations. I still to this day feel that God never closed that door-- I simply chose to pursue marriage instead. And I know I have his blessing in this vocation as well.

[MarysLittleFlower]

"On Earth His crown of thorns is the only crown of glory you will get. But the value of that, to save a soul, is priceless.

He wore it to save your soul, He knows your pain."


That is so true.

[beatitude]

[quote name='Totus Tuus' timestamp='1325265881' post='2360018']
I had to leave a particular community as well, and it was a huge disappointment, though I think that word is a huge understatement. It was more like heartbreak. You may be blessed that you were told that you don't have a vocation to RL, though, because I wasn't-- I don't know if my superior was afraid to hurt my feelings (she had a tendency to tiptoe around things) or if she wasn't sure if I did have a calling, because they told me that they thought I should continue to pursue religious life, just not there. I think the second tremendous disappointment for me was having to come to the slow realization that there would never be another community for me. I visited a lot more after that, and had visited a lot before that, and nothing was the same. I do believe that God had the door open for me if I wanted to join religious life again, but I couldn't bring myself to enter at a place I didn't feel completely called to. When I did try to enter a cloistered Dominican order, I was told I had to go to college first, and it was in that process that I came to terms with the fact that I needed to pursue other vocations. I still to this day feel that God never closed that door-- I simply chose to pursue marriage instead. And I know I have his blessing in this vocation as well.
[/quote]

TotusTuus, I just want to say that I really admire you for going through that experience with so much love and trust. The result of your trust is beautiful and it tells everyone who reads your posts that God is always out for our happiness, even if we can't imagine being happy in the way He offers.

I never had to leave a community, so that heartbreak is unknown to me, but I did have to endure the lesser pain of realising that I wasn't called to the life I wanted so badly. The reason it took me a little while to accept consecrated single life as my vocation was the fact that it really did feel like second-best (third-best, if I'm honest).

Clare, I think it helps to think of callings as like birds in flight. Just as every bird is surrounded by air, so are we wrapped in the embrace of God. Some birds do fly higher, because they have been given the capabilities for that - an eagle can go above a sparrow. But it wasn't eagles that Jesus talked about when he gave his beautiful description of how God cares for us. "Not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without him knowing." All of us can be close to God, in our own situations. 'Higher' does not mean better. It's just a different viewpoint on the world. What a sparrow sees and what an eagle sees is every bit as lovely, just different.

I can see why this gets confusing, because some Catholics do have a very hierarchical view of vocation that isn't helpful at all. One of my friends (an elderly nun) told me that ever since she put on the habit she has had people approaching her with regard bordering on reverence, when these same people might be quite off-hand and lukewarm with the other people in their lives. I have even caught myself doing it - going out of my way to be extra nice to someone I meet just because she is a sister. This is not how God sees us. You mustn't let other people's glorification of religious life make you feel any less beloved by God.

He has entrusted you with a particular set of gifts, responsibilities, and difficulties (including your mental ill health) that he hasn't given to anybody else. There is a reason for that: you are the only person who can use them as they need to be used. Maybe you are called to be a nun. Maybe you're not. But whatever you end up being, don't lose sight of who you are: someone who is first and foremost the very beloved daughter of God.

[MarysLittleFlower]

Perhaps disappointment is one of the ways that we can more fully die to self, and so be closer to Jesus as a result maybe you can be closer to Him through this disappointment, than even if you had become a nun. And maybe you would become a nun in the future. Have hope Trust in God's goodness, - all He does is with love, to help us become saints.

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='StClare_OraProNobis' timestamp='1325226247' post='2359868']
Any else here experience a lot of disappointment when the results of your discernment were not what you had hoped for? Any advice for how to move on? In particular in my circumstance I was in the convent for nearly 2 years and then had to leave for health reasons and have been told clearly that I do not have a religious vocation. Makes me wonder for what purpose I am here at all if God does not want the highest level of intimacy possible with me.
[/quote]

Clare, having had to deal with this recently, I know what you are going through. For 4 years, I had nothing but the hope of living life as a religious. I sought out the religious community that I felt attracted to, only to be turned away time and time again because of my health issues. I continued to search, though, hoping that my desires weren't in vain. The last community I visited seemed to be the one I was looking for. I still remember how peaceful I felt there. But when I asked for permission to enter, it was not given because the community believed that I did not have a vocation. I am not attracted any other orders. I have looked at all the ones I was even remotely attracted to. Being a religious does not appear to be in the cards for me and I had to make my peace with that (which I have). Believe me, it was difficult. There are still days (like yesterday) where I long to join a convent, but then I remember that God wanted me to discern for a reason. I don't yet know what that reason is, but I have an inkling. One of my most favorite saints is St. Therese. Her parents continue to be excellent role models for me and they, too, were turned away from religious life. I believe that if I had not discerned, I might not be the woman I am today. I also believe that if I get married, I will be better prepared to teach my children about religious life and the priesthood because I discerned myself! I didn't know about religious life growing up because my parents never discerned.

Please don't feel like you are any less of a beloved child of God because you cannot be in religious life. He loves you just the same. Maybe He just wants you to consider other vocations like consecrated single life (including consecrated virginity) or marriage? Pray about it and find a spiritual director to guide you. God doesn't inspire unrealizable desires (like St. Therese said). If you aspire to sanctity, the Holy Spirit will help you get there!

[StClare_OraProNobis]

Thanks all! I am feeling a bit better today about everything than I did last night when I originally posted. It seems like the sadness comes in waves. It really is the sense of being rejected by God that is the hardest when it hits. I know in one sense that God has not really rejected me, but it still feels that way. I appreciate your prayers and wise advice!

Edited December 30, 2011 by StClare_OraProNobis

[Totus Tuus]

[quote name='beatitude' timestamp='1325269567' post='2360038']
I can see why this gets confusing, because some Catholics do have a very hierarchical view of vocation that isn't helpful at all. One of my friends (an elderly nun) told me that ever since she put on the habit she has had people approaching her with regard bordering on reverence, when these same people might be quite off-hand and lukewarm with the other people in their lives. I have even caught myself doing it - going out of my way to be extra nice to someone I meet just because she is a sister. This is not how God sees us. You mustn't let other people's glorification of religious life make you feel any less beloved by God.

[/quote]

This is soooo true. Religious do have a higher calling in the sense that their vocation is nearest to the life we will live in heaven. That does not make individual religious more worthy of respect than anyone else, though. I am all for respecting them, but I totally got that ooey gooey love feeling from SO many people when I was in religious life, especially being an extern in a cloistered community (being one of the few that could physically be fawned over-- thankfully I was formed enough not to let any of it go to my head). It really is not a good message to send people, because I believe that many, many men and women feel inadequate for having chosen marriage or single life as their vocation. A very wise nun once reminded me that any mother can be a holier person than any nun, it just depends on how well the individual in any state of life is following his or her vocation. Personal holiness has nothing to do with the vocation one chooses.



[quote name='MarysLittleFlower' timestamp='1325270397' post='2360045']
Perhaps disappointment is one of the ways that we can more fully die to self, and so be closer to Jesus as a result maybe you can be closer to Him through this disappointment, than even if you had become a nun. And maybe you would become a nun in the future. Have hope Trust in God's goodness, - all He does is with love, to help us become saints.
[/quote]

This is true in the sense that it really knocks you off of your idea that your life is planned out. Disappointments like these prevent us from getting too comfortable. When we get knocked out into the cold, we have to trust God in a whole new way that we never had to trust him in before. In retrospect I have really looked at my disappointment as an amazing gift, because if that had never happened, I would have never been challenged to put my life in his hands AGAIN, starting over, and I would not have had to wake up every morning and say "I know you're going to take care of me." Life would have just one on pretty smoothly without that kick in the pantaloons, and so there's a lot to be grateful for after the initial shock of a disappointment goes away.

Edited December 30, 2011 by Totus Tuus

[marigold]

[quote name='Totus Tuus' timestamp='1325278347' post='2360095']
This is soooo true. Religious do have a higher calling in the sense that their vocation is nearest to the life we will live in heaven. That does not make individual religious more worthy of respect than anyone else, though. I am all for respecting them, but I totally got that ooey gooey love feeling from SO many people when I was in religious life, especially being an extern in a cloistered community (being one of the few that could physically be fawned over-- thankfully I was formed enough not to let any of it go to my head). I[b]t really is not a good message to send people, because I believe that many, many men and women feel inadequate for having chosen marriage or single life as their vocation. A very wise nun once reminded me that any mother can be a holier person than any nun, it just depends on how well the individual in any state of life is following his or her vocation. Personal holiness has nothing to do with the vocation one chooses.[/b]

[/quote]


Thank you for saying this. As my friend likes to joke, 'The person who has raised six kids to adulthood is the true saint.' :-)

[MarysLittleFlower]

[quote name='StClare_OraProNobis' timestamp='1325278271' post='2360094']
Thanks all! I am feeling a bit better today about everything than I did last night when I originally posted. It seems like the sadness comes in waves. It really is the sense of being rejected by God that is the hardest when it hits. I know in one sense that God has not really rejected me, but it still feels that way. I appreciate your prayers and wise advice!
[/quote]

I know, I myself have a fear of this even though I haven't even ever applied to a community! Even though in my mind, I know that it's not at all being rejected by God. And really, it's not even though it feels that way. Even the fact that you want God, means that He wants you to be close to Him, we love because He loved us first. He loves you greatly, He loves each soul as if they were the only one. We can love Him through our intentions and wanting to follow Him, but the best way is by doing His will, even if it's not what we had planned. This quote helped me once I hope it encourages you too

"Nothing can so terrify us, as much as Jesus Christ can reassure us. Let my sins surround me, let my fears of the future accuse me, let the demons lay their snares for me. As long as I beg mercy of Jesus Christ, who is all kindness, who has loved me even until death, I cannot lose confidence; for I see myself so highly prized that a God gave Himself for me.
My Jesus, safe haven for those who seek you out in the storm; my vigilant shepherd, those who do not trust You are deceiving themselves, if only they have the will to amend their lives. That is why You said: Here I am, don't be afraid: I am He who troubles and who consoles. Sometimes I put persons in scenes of desolation that seem like hell; but then I pull them out and console them. I am your advocate; I have made your cause My own. I am your guarantor; I have come to pay your debts. I am your Lord, who redeemed you with My blood, not to abandon you, but to enrich you, having ransomed you at a great price. [b]How shall I flee from those who seek Me, when I went forth to meet those who sought to outrage Me?[/b] I did not turn away My face from those who struck Me; and shall I turn it from those who would adore Me? How can My children doubt that I love them, seeing Me in the hands of My enemies out of love for them? Whom have I ever despised that loved Me? Whom have I ever abandoned that sought my help? I go out in search even of those who do not seek Me."
John of Avila

[Sarah147]

[quote name='StClare_OraProNobis' timestamp='1325226247' post='2359868']
Any else here experience a lot of disappointment when the results of your discernment were not what you had hoped for? Any advice for how to move on? In particular in my circumstance I was in the convent for nearly 2 years and then had to leave for health reasons and have been told clearly that I do not have a religious vocation.

Makes me wonder for what purpose I am here at all if God does not want the highest level of intimacy possible with me.
[/quote]

I was very disappointed when it didn't work out with the SsEW around Sept/Oct 2011. But, now, after more soul-searching and growing and this time looking at two other orders, I've become more open to other vocations, which is a very healthy thing, and as my spiritual director said, will help me find God's will faster.

How did I move on? I went on a retreat somewhere and met some really godly men....it planted a seed and has led to much meditating and praying about marriage, to the point that I can happily picture being married and sacrifising for a family. I can picture working on a holy marriage. Now I am content with RL or marriage. Still some fears about both vocations, but I get worried about a lot of things anyway.

So, if God calls me to RL, praised be God. If to marriage, praised be God.

Your last sentence strikes me. God wants you TOTALLY! He wants you as His beloved SAINT! Even Saint Gemma wasn't a religious but God bestowed many graces on her! No matter your vocation, focus on growing in holiness and intimacy with Him. I know married people that are very spiritual and very close to Jesus. Expect not to meet too many people walking the narrow path. Let nothing stop you from sainthood!

Edited December 30, 2011 by JoyfulLife

[Totus Tuus]

[quote name='marigold' timestamp='1325279602' post='2360104']
Thank you for saying this. As my friend likes to joke, 'The person who has raised six kids to adulthood is the true saint.' :-)
[/quote]

Exactly. And likewise, a nun who did what she was supposed to do as a nun is a true saint. It's just about doing what you're supposed to be doing for your vocation. St. Josemaria would admonish women who tried to live like nuns when they had families. It's more important and holy for a woman to cook dinner for her family than to go to adoration if that means she won't have time to cook dinner.

[Sarah147]

[quote name='Totus Tuus' timestamp='1325291128' post='2360193']
Exactly. And likewise, a nun who did what she was supposed to do as a nun is a true saint. It's just about doing what you're supposed to be doing for your vocation. St. Josemaria would admonish women who tried to live like nuns when they had families. It's more important and holy for a woman to cook dinner for her family than to go to adoration if that means she won't have time to cook dinner.
[/quote]

Wow. I hadn't thought of it like that before, about helping the family being more important that adoration, etc. What's the proper balance according to St. Josemaria?

[AccountDeleted]

[quote name='Totus Tuus' timestamp='1325291128' post='2360193']
Exactly. And likewise, a nun who did what she was supposed to do as a nun is a true saint. It's just about doing what you're supposed to be doing for your vocation. St. Josemaria would admonish women who tried to live like nuns when they had families. It's more important and holy for a woman to cook dinner for her family than to go to adoration if that means she won't have time to cook dinner.
[/quote]

Exactly what St Martha said to Our Lord!!




but I'm only teasing you. It is a good point, but as Jesus pointed out to her, she was worrying about many things, so I would suggest a balance. Better if things could be arranged so the woman could get some Adoration in as well as dinner... and that might mean a little rescheduling or help from others or a take-out meal one night a week, etc....

[Totus Tuus]

[quote name='nunsense' timestamp='1325292877' post='2360224']
Exactly what St Martha said to Our Lord!!




but I'm only teasing you. It is a good point, but as Jesus pointed out to her, she was worrying about many things, so I would suggest a balance. Better if things could be arranged so the woman could get some Adoration in as well as dinner... and that might mean a little rescheduling or help from others or a take-out meal one night a week, etc....
[/quote]

If you think I'm suggesting something other than balance, you misread what I said. My point is precisely that doing things that are outside of our vocation at the moment we are meant to be doing them causes a lack of balance. I never said that she should be at home cooking every single night. Everyone needs prayer time. But moms are certainly not called -under almost any circumstances- to pray as much as nuns. [i]that[/i] was my point.