How Often Did You Date Before You Started Discerning?

[morakind]

This is really just out of curiosity as I've noticed a lot of people saying they've never dated before.

I've had two serious relationships that lasted 2+ years each but during the second relationship I realized that I might have a call to religious life. My first relationship was with a Mormon who tried to convert me once or twice we were doomed to begin with!

What is your experience with dating?

[Spem in alium]

Yep, I'm one of the people who've never dated before I'm quite glad of it.

[TheresaThoma]

I went through a "puppy love" relationship in 8th grade/summer before high school. We went to the 8th grade dance together and one actual "date" but that was it. But that ended simply because we ended up going to different high schools.
I did go to junior and senior prom with the same guy but that was more as friends than anything else. So overall I put myself in the "never dated" category.

[Strictlyinkblot]

I dated a few times and been in love once. But it always seemed like that guys I was interested in weren't interested in me.

[OnlySunshine]

I had a crush on a guy I knew in Jr. High band thru 10th grade. He went off to a different high school, so I only happened to see him once in 10th grade when I went to the fundraiser dinner at my Jr. High (where my sister went at that time). I had asked him out several times but he turned me down as he wasn't interested in dating. He always did it in a gentle manner because he was brought up right -- which was part of the reason that I was attracted to him.

Sadly, the summer in between 10th and 11th grades, he died from complications resulting from a tragic car accident. That experience forever changed how I viewed driving and was the catalyst to my depression and anxiety. It took a long time for me to get over experiencing death on such a personal level, especially when the person is the same age as you.

After that, I never really had a serious crush. I liked this one guy that I worked with at the movie theater when I was 16. I got his phone number and called him in the early hours of the morning since I couldn't sleep. He asked me out the next day -- to the movies. It didn't go well at all. My mom and sister wanted to see a movie, too, so they came and sat with me since the guy hadn't shown up yet. After a while, I believed that he stood me up. I was getting really angry and upset and then saw him come into the dark theater about halfway into the movie. I tried to hide so he couldn't see me since I didn't want anything to do with him at this point. The next day, he tried to make excuses as to why he was really late. I didn't want to hear it because I was embarrassed and needed space. I didn't talk to him after that.

I went on a chaperoned "date" (if you can even call it that) with a guy who was a year younger than me. We had emailed a few times and I found out he was Episcopalian. He invited me to a Pancake Breakfast he was helping out at one Saturday morning. My mom decided to come because I barely knew the guy and hadn't met him in person. She was afraid that he was some 40-year-old pervert. It turned out that he was 16 just like he said, but I was glad she came because the guy hardly paid any attention to me.

Then, the last time I dated, it was when I worked at a retail warehouse at 22 and had a crush on the cart runner guy. He was pretty geeky, but cute nonetheless. I happened to be working the front door one night and he was on a break. The food court was right next to the front door so we talked in between customers. We both divulged that we had secret crushes on each other and he asked me out on a "dutch date" where we would pay for ourselves. We decided to go to Starbucks. I called him the night before to talk to him and ask when we should meet. On the date, we spent a lot of time sitting at the table outside and then walked around the shopping center adjacent. He tried to kiss me and I have never been kissed before and wasn't ready for it. He respected that. It went pretty well. We decided to go on a 2nd date -- a regular one -- at a restaurant and then go to a movie. It didn't work out too well because, unfortunately, he was the kind of guy that thought if he bought you something that you owed him "something." I kept trying to explain to him that I was saving myself for marriage.

He kept trying to pressure me so I told him to take me home. I broke up with him the next day at work. He ended up quitting his job about 2 weeks later because he was so embarrassed. I haven't dated a guy since because I started discerning at 24 in Dec. 2007. I don't like dating much at all because I haven't had good experiences with it and I'm just not attracted to the idea. I see nothing wrong with it, but I don't think I'm called to marriage.

Edited April 29, 2012 by MaterMisericordiae

[cappie]

I had several relationships one very serious where I had to "make up my mind" never regretted it.

[beatitude]

I had one serious relationship, which ended with my boyfriend proposing marriage and me realising with sudden and awful clarity that I couldn't marry anyone. Funnily enough he saw that too. We remain good friends and he is a great support to me in my vocation. He is quite an extraordinary person - he was very upset when we split up, but he never blamed me for not realising sooner. He helped me to grow in my faith, and he says that I did the same for him. He is not Catholic, but he is thinking about converting now.

Before him, I had one other boyfriend. I was nineteen and I was pressured into it. At this stage of my life I didn't know how to say no. By the end of the first week, my boyfriend was talking about our wedding and planning out our lives after university. (The plan revolved round him and his PhD study - it didn't occur to him to consult me on my plans.) He got very obsessive and controlling and started to 'stalk' me online to see what I was doing when I wasn't with him. I had a blog, and I saw from the traffic that he was visiting about twenty times a day, sometimes more. Then I found that he was scouring the Internet to see where I'd commented, which forums I used...I felt very trapped and unhappy, but each time I tried to break up with him he got into a panic and said I was making a dreadful mistake, what if I ruined God's plan for our lives? This only lasted for a few months, but it was horrible while it did. Eventually I found the strength to break up with him and to refuse to listen to his attempts to make me reconsider.

[marigold]

Yikes, MM and beatitude, I'm sorry you had to go through that!

Myself, I've been in two relationships. The first was quite long-term, all the way through secondary / high school; it ended because we were both still figuring out who we were and grew apart - I know that's a cliché but that's how it was. The second was not at all serious. We were mightily attracted to one another but had no chance in heaven of making it work in reality. I'm not really in contact with either but they know what I'm doing.

[ACS67]

Some religious communities actually will ask you if you have dated. I think they see it as "healthy" to have explored the possibility of marriage and a family.

[marigold]

[quote name='ACS67' timestamp='1335719350' post='2424775']
Some religious communities actually will ask you if you have dated. I think they see it as "healthy" to have explored the possibility of marriage and a family.
[/quote]

Yes, I was asked that, although in private and not as part of the application. Mother implied that some women had come because they "couldn't get married", that was her delicate way of putting it.

[EmilyAnn]

I've never dated in high school but in the 11th/12th grades I was completely in love with one of my male friends. We were never together but we had this very strange relationship - my friend described it as never being anything other than platonic but very much non-platonic at the same time. I've never cared about someone as much as I cared about him. I ended up getting my heart broken and that took me a long time to get over. I went to university still loving him so I never dated then either. It was only near the end of my first year that I got over him and I was so unhappy at university that in my second year I convinced myself no-one would ever want me. I had a few typical student 'relationships' and I am not proud of that.

It was only when I met another guy around January last year that I changed. He wasn't Catholic and I sort of flip-flopped in my level of practicing the faith but he made me realise I was worth more than the way I had been treating myself. I realised that someone could genuinely care about me and that changed everything for me. He moved away and we haven't spoken since so nothing really became of that dating-wise but it got me back on track.

I'm still friends with the guy I was in love with. I've never told him how I felt about him but he's a good friend and I'm glad he's still a part of my life.

[morakind]

Thanks for your replies! My most recent boyfriend slowly became an atheist during our relationship while my faith got stronger, it was a valuable experience for me, spiritually and I pray for him to this day.

I've been on a few dates between these relationships with non-christians (mainly atheists) but they always expected a more physical relationship and didn't really understand that I was more interested in remaining chaste! Ah well, don't know what I was doing dating outside the faith to begin with... though I do recall many of the guys in my parish were always either married or wanting to be priests. Not enough Catholic fish in the sea lol

Anyways, I'm glad I got the dating thing out of my system.

[LaboureSociety]

I think this is an overlooked issue that dioceses in particular need to be more aware of and attentive to. I know that the initial question was about dating in general, but we must discuss the purpose of dating to answer this. If the purpose of dating is relationships and the purpose of relationships is marriage let's be aware of all these factors when considering dating and vocation.

What is really, really, important is that you are honest with yourself and the other person. If you have doubts about your vocation, it is not appropriate to be in a serious relationship. If you are not sure of your vocation, it is not appropriate to enter a serious relationship, or continue a serious relationship.

What is most vital to realize, I believe, is that it is a gross abuse to use another person. To engage in a genuine, romantic, relationship -knowingly or not- to discover or test one's vocation even in a small way, is imprudent at best and disasterous at worst. I have heard priests talk about being engaged before they entered seminary -I've even heard them laugh about it. I've known women who have become engaged a month after leaving religious life -some laugh in response. Truly, and I do not mean to be harsh here, but this is scandalous. Neither is funny. We tend to only hear about the situations that 'worked out'. Sadly, I know many situations that have not. Serious relationships involve real hearts, dreams, families, friends, futures, and faith communities. These things are at the core of lives, our sense of self, our realities. They are shared between couples and are too important to use for our own selfish ends.

In essence, human love, human romantic love, is a sacred thing that deserves a sacred respect. If, when, and how we chose to date are important questions fraught with responsibility. Friendships and casual dating can be fun and innocent when done well and in groups. But when we enter an intimate, personal, dating relationship, we must do so full of love and respect for others -this requires an 'undivided' heart!

Edited May 1, 2012 by LaboureSociety

[morakind]

[quote name='LaboureSociety' timestamp='1335905220' post='2425772']
In essence, human love, human romantic love, is a sacred thing that deserves a sacred respect. If, when, and how we chose to date are important questions fraught with responsibility. Friendships and casual dating can be fun and innocent when done well and in groups. But when we enter an intimate, personal, dating relationship, we must do so full of love and respect for others -this requires an 'undivided' heart!
[/quote]

Yes, I took great care to start serious discernment only after my last relationship ended. I think most of the people who responded to my original query described their experiences as being a long time and none of the responders seem to be currently divided between a potential husband/wife and their vocation.

I do agree that after having a serious relationship it's best to have some time to gather yourself before moving on to new endeavors because even a short relationship with an amicable break up can be something that requires months of healing. There's a lot of residual attachment and sometimes hurt associated with an ended relationship, it sounds like it would be very difficult to clearly focus on discerning a vocation if a break-up is fresh on the mind.. I've heard of people needing many, many months to re-gather themselves after a relationship ends.

Though, for the most part it sounds like the responders have been vigilant about giving a wide berth between their last romantic relationship and their current discernment.

Thank you for responding

[Lil'Monster]

I never had a boyfriend.....but I am still open to Marriage..hahahhaha




Actually I am glad that I never dated back in a day cuz I was very immature...etc